Ashley & I Share Our Stories

We drove to Chili's and I stayed quiet most of the trip. I was listening to the two girls talk to one another about how cute Shia Labeouf was from Transformers. Both of them giggled at the thought of watching him in that movie. I smiled as I tried to remember who this guy was and at the same time I was remembering being that age in my own life. They seemed so young and yet one of them was making a decision that I couldn't imagine at my age let alone at her age.

Before I knew it we were parking the car and walking into the restaurant. We sat at the table. The two girls took their spots together on one side of the table and I sat alone on the other side. When we were all sitting and able to see each other face to face the vibe went from jovial and giggly to nervous. Not just for Ashley but for me as well. Looking into each other eyes I felt like the world stopped around us. We were both looking at one another wondering if we would be bound together for life. Finally, the silence was broken and the world joined us again as our mutual friend started the conversation for us. She said to me," I told Ashley you would be a good mom because of how you were with me when I was little." My heart grew with that statement. Once again I was being given a pep talk by a young voice, as if she knew I needed it. Just knowing this young girl thought so highly of me made all the difference in the world.

And so with that one statement Ashley and I started our first conversation. It began with me asking about the baby and how she came to make this decision. She explained she knew she couldn't give her child the life it deserved and her and the baby's father were no longer together so she had decided adoption was the best option. She wanted it to be an open adoption so she could see the baby grow and she was still trying to figure out what "open" meant to her. She didn't know if it meant she got pictures and a couple of visits a year or if she wanted to be in the picture more. I asked her about her family and how they felt about her decision and she smiled with love as she talked about them. Her father especially. She seemed to have a strong support system and really her only concern was her mom. Her mom was struggling with losing this child as part of the family but she hoped that by the time the baby was born she would come to see that this was the best decision.

I listened to her every word. I watched her facial expressions and saw the strength and fear in her eyes. The more she talked the more I fell in love with the idea of being chosen to take her baby.

Then it was my turn. She asked me questions about Julian's case and she wondered how long it would go on. I tried to answer the best I could but she and I both knew I had no idea. She asked about my husband and our marriage. She wondered why we hadn't had children of our own and I gave her all the answers I as honestly as I could. I knew she needed every detail to make this decision. Then as lunch came to an end we both knew we were connect at the heart. We had shared our stories. Two women wanting to find a perfect match for a perfect gift.

As I said good bye to her I knew her worries were the same as mine....what would happen with Julian. She was concerned for her child and I was concerned for mine. As we all piled back into the car I thanked her for sharing her story with me and asked her to keep in touch. She promised she would. As I headed down the road toward her home there was a different feel in the air. The car was quieter and she and I analyzed our last hour together. As the music played and she and I got lost in our own thoughts I couldn't help but wonder....was I suppose to be this baby's adoptive mother?

Face to Face with Ashley

As my heart grew more weary about our case and dealing with social services I found myself looking toward a young girl for a different answer. The same young girl I had just a few weeks ago been contact by through a brief email was now ready to meet me in person. The question wasn't really was she ready but more was I ready. I was so torn between my sweet little Julian and the idea of having a child that didn't come with the social services drama. I tired not to imagine that social services would ever take my son from me but everyday I was reminded that they might. So the idea of being given a second chance at motherhood was very appealing. Of coarse what if the case turned and we were all finally a family. Could I manage both children?

Finally, I had talked myself into at least meeting this amazing young girl, if for no other reason than to just have her leave a thumb print on my world. I loved the fact that she even wanted to meet me. Just considering me to be a candidate for her child's adoptive mother was an amazing gift. I really had no idea how this one meeting would end up changing both of our worlds.

Ashley and I finally set up a meeting for lunch through our mutual friend. I was going to pick up both girls and we were going to head to Chilis for lunch. I found myself very nervous just at the idea of meeting her. I knew just as much as I was looking at her and wondering if her baby would some day be our baby. She too was interviewing me for the most important position she would ever interview anyone for in her life, the adoptive mother of her child. Not only deep down did I want the honor of being the woman she picked, I also just wanted to know her personally. To be so young, only 19, and making a decision so big. I was in awe of her strength before we even met.

The day to meet was finally here. I was going to leave Julian home with my husband and I was going to meet the girls. I picked up the young girl that both Ashley and I knew first. As soon as she got in the car she was giving me a pep talk. One I needed at the time! She was telling me that I was the right person to take Ashley's baby and even if I kept Julian I would be a great mother to both children and she already knew this baby was suppose to be with my husband and I. My heart was full of joy and reassurance by the time we got to Ashley just from a pep talk by yet another 17 year old girl.

As we pulled into a small mini mall to pick up Ashley my heart began to race. I saw her immediately. She was standing at the edge of the curb in front of a movie theater waiting for us. She was on the phone and she smiled as she realized it was us pulling up next to her. I studied every inch of her. Her smile made her entire face light up. She was a tiny little thing except for her swollen tummy that carried her most precious gift to the world. She looked so young to me. I couldn't imagine what must have been going through her mind as she stood there waiting for us.

As she climbed into the back seat of my car I introduced myself. I smiled and told her it was so nice to finally meet her. And from the moment she looked at me and let out her nervous giggle, I knew we would some how be connected for life. All the fear left me and I no longer felt nervous. Instead I was full of excitement at the thought of us sharing a child together. I couldn't wait to get to lunch just so I could get to know her.

Visits Changes

As the month of August came to an end we were given the news that the Judge on Julian's case thought it was time to add more time for the bios to bond with Julian. As I heard the information from Betty Rose over the phone my heart sunk deep within my body. My mind went to dark places. Places full of thoughts like we should just pack up and run with him. We should figure out a way to have them deported. I even went as far as wondering if I could go through with taking them off the planet completely. I was surrounded by evil just at the thought of them spending any more time with my baby. And I felt each black cell of darkness around me holding me so tight I could barely breath.

The more Betty Rose spoke that day the more my heart grew heavy. It seemed that between Betty Rose, the bios and the judge they had my entire week figured out on how to get my son more time with the people that hurt him. Once again it didn't matter what our schedule was or even Julian's routine all that mattered was that his biological parents were able to see him for three more hours in a week when they couldn't even consistently show up for one hour a week.

So they had all planned mine and Julian's schedule to look like this. Monday nights from 5-6pm there would be a visit with bio dad at the county building 45 minutes from our home. Tuesday evenings from 4-5pm bio mom would have a visit at the same building. Wednesdays was our standard physical therapy appointment from 3-4pm and this was at a children's center that was an hour from our home. Thursday would be set up for any other doctors visits that may be needed or social worker home visits. Leaving Fridays for another 2 hour visit from 9-11am at the county building with both bio parents. Lucky for us, as Betty Rose so kindly said to me, we wouldn't have any visits on Saturday or Sunday.

A person would think, that after listening to Betty Rose for three months, I would soon be able to get over the shock that came from the words she spewed into my ears. But each time we spoke she always seemed to amaze me and this time was no different.

I listened to her ramble on about days and where I needed to be for close to twenty minutes. I never said a word to her. To be honest at first I couldn't even find the words to say to her over this so called request she was presenting. Finally, there was a pause and she said,"Are you still there?" I took the phone away from my ear and stared it. I pondered on if I should just hang up and pretend I never heard any of this. Or if only I had one of those blow horns they use at pro-football games and I could put it right up to the receiver! Showing her yes I was still there! But instead I took a deep breath, rolled my eyes, brought the phone back to my ear and said, "Yes Betty Rose I am here."

She said," Oh good I thought I lost you." As calmly as I could I said," Well you did. You do realize that this has me and Julian in the car for 45 minutes there and 45 minutes back home each visit. Not to mention his eating schedule and sleeping schedule will be effected dramatically. And I will also have to be somewhere for social services Monday through Friday. I find this plan to not be well thought out. This is not a job for me Betty Rose this is my life. And not only is this a problem for me, mainly this will be a problem for Julian."

Then there was once again silence between she and I. Finally I said, "Ummmm Betty Rose. Are you still there?" And as snotty as she could be she said,"Well of coarse." I then replied, "Look I am not trying to be difficult here I just think it would be easier to pick one other day that both bios could make an appointment for two hours instead of putting this small child AND myself through this everyday of the week."

And that is when for the first time Betty Rose told me this," well I hope your not being difficult just because you want to adopt him. You can't keep him from visits with his PARENTS just in hopes that we see it as a failure on their part. It will only hurt you in the long run."

With those words I was lost in my head once again. What the hell was this woman talking about? Making things harder for social services because I wanted to adopt him? Are you kidding me right now? Isn't it social services making it harder here. So is this why she never listened to me because she thinks I am making shit up so we can keep this child? Why am I "foster parent" to a child if you don't trust me to be honest? If I say he likes his routine you hear....I just want to make this harder on you! How can this be harder on social services? Obviously their hearts are in invested in any of this!

I bounced out of my own thoughts and soon heard myself cussing and Betty Rose. "Are fucking kidding me here Betty Rose? This plan you just gave me....not discussed with me or even asked me about...has US...not just me but Julian in the car for most of the day. Now you can think this is somehow harder on you all you want. And you can blame me because yes I DO WANT TO ADOPT JULIAN. But the dumbest part of your plan is the bios barely show up once a week. Now don't you think its going to be harder on THEM as well to get there everyday?"

And with those words I ended her call. I told her to figure it out my way and she did. There would be two visits a week, one on Friday for two hours and one on Saturday for two hours. But even after winning the battle of not driving everyday. The truth was my heart was still heavy. It didn't matter how many days they got to see him. It was just the idea that the bios would still be seeing him more and that wasn't good for us!

God's Child

After Betty Rose's visit I was full of joy and hope. When my husband came home we laughed together for the first time in months. The three of us sat together as a family at the dinner table. Julian was getting two more teeth and we were experimenting with new foods. That night we found out he loved oranges. He would make this amazing little sound when he liked something. His eyes would light up and he would go, "Mmmmm." Over and over again with each bite. We would always know when we hit the jack pot because that was the winning sound! As my husband and I watched and giggled with Julian that night, we once again began to dream that soon this whole mess would be over and Julian would legally become our baby. We would start our family and everything we had been through would all be worth it because he would finally be ours.

In church that same weekend I sat and listened to yet another sermon that touched my soul. Our Pastor talked about Joseph, Jesus Father. And he spoke of Joseph's strength as a man of flesh to be able to believe that Mary had not been unfaithful to him but indeed was carrying God's son. He talked about how he imaged Joseph must have endured the judgement of the society he lived in and yet he still loved Mary and took Jesus to be his own son. He went on to say how Joseph's Faith in God kept him going forward when all others must have been saying things Joseph didn't want to hear about his own family. And yet he still loved Jesus and was willing to raise him as his own flesh and blood.

As I listened to the story of Joseph as a father to Jesus my heart opened up. Julian was sitting in my lap playing with some toys and I was hearing the sermon about a father and son but as I imagined the faces in the story I only saw mine and Julian's. God had sent me Julian to love as my own. He trusted me with this child. His child. And I was to move past the judgement of the biological parents, social workers and even society and be Julian's mother. I heard God that day louder than any other day about Julian and I promised him I would be the best mother I could to our son! As I spoke to God I told him I wasn't sure of his plan but that I knew I was chosen carefully for Julian. The more I talked the more tears fell.

I was asking God to help me keep Julian. To trust me with his life forever. The thing was I wasn't sure if God was listening. After all we had been through in the last three months and all the prayers I had prayed I was beginning to lose faith. I wanted to tell God I had the faith of Joseph did but I couldn't lie and more than that I didn't want to be Joseph because in the end Joseph lost Jesus. I wanted to be me...the me that got to keep Julian. And so even though I wasn't sure he was listening that day I knew I had to just kept asking!

Seeing Me as Human

The entire way home that day Julian cried and screamed. This was a usual occurrence for him after his Friday hour visitation with the bios. I was usually ready to pull my hair out by the time we got home. But the truth was I usually had the rest of the afternoon with him being upset and not willing to eat or sleep. I spent hours with him screaming as I held him and tried to calm him down. Nothing would ever sooth him not even my rendition of Jesus Loves Me! At first I thought this was because the bios were not feeding him or maybe even due to over stimulation and Betty Rose had mentioned to me. But as time went by I came to think that my little man was just going through a traumatic experience every Friday. I don't know if it was the confusion of seeing his biological parents or the dislike of it. It could have been the lack of food and over stimulation or even him just missing his nap time. But it didn't matter why he was so upset or what caused it. All that mattered to me was that it was consistently a problem so I decided it was time to talk to Betty Rose about it when she came for her visit this month. I needed her to know what these visits did to Julian because each time he went his little world was turned upside down.

It came time for Betty Rose to do her usual once a month visitation and as usual she got under my skin with in minutes of her being there. She came in and immediately grabbed Julian up and kissed all over him. Never once getting the Que's from him that he didn't want her holding him or kissing on his face. Finally, when he could take anymore he reached for me to hold him and in her eyes I saw for the first time that she figured out I was his mother now. It was me he turned to when his world wasn't right. It was me he reached to for comfort. And as I saw her eyes change mine did too...I started to gloat and I knew she could see it. More than that I was glad she could.

She started her visit by telling me how this months court hearing had went. She said it was pretty much uneventful. That she had been told by the judge that a full treatment plan had to be presented at the September hearing and the parents needed to have explained to them in full detail so they could prove to the courts they were fit to have their child returned to their home. I was in shock at the fact that it had been 5 months since Julian had been taken from the bios and Betty Rose still didn't have a treatment plan in place for them. Why was this just now coming up for these people. Shouldn't that have been the first thing done after placing Julian in a safe home?

My eyes welled up with tears at the thought of them taking Julian. And before I could say anything she said, "I know this is hard for you to hear but they are his parents. And they should be given every chance they need to get him back." With those words I was no longer sad but instead infuriated at her words.

I said," Betty Rose how many chances to they get. If they were given a written test and they passed with a 70% does that make them fit parents? Or shouldn't you be looking for more like the 85-90% range? Because so far the only thing that has been asked of them is to show up on Fridays for a visit and they miss one out of four visits a month. Now you are telling me they are going to be given a treatment plan with more things they have to "SHOW UP" to and this will give them more chances to get Julian back? Seriously how many of those visits plus their weekly visits can they miss before they have had ENOUGH chances?"

The silence once again filled my home and in the middle of August it felt like winter in my living room from my cold harsh words. I was tired of living everyday as this child's mother and the moment Betty Rose walked into my home I felt like nothing more than his baby sitter. They were not his parents. I was his mommy and my husband was his daddy. Those two people didn't knew anything about Julian. Hell they couldn't even get his formula right so he could be fed while they spent an hour a week with him.

Betty Rose cleared her throat and a different look came over her face. It was one of sympathy. It was the first time I had seen her actually see me as a human with feelings and not just some day camp she "hired" to take care of this child. She said,"I am sorry. You are right there are many things about this case that don't add up. And to be honest I am not sure he will go back. I have two cases like this now where I feel like I will run away with these children before I send them back to the biological families." I shook my head like a dog shakes off after a bath. It was obvious she had thrown me off with her sensitivity. I said,"Are you serious? You don't think they will get him back?" She said,"At this point I don't see that happening."

I was so relieved I felt like a whole new woman. Finally she said it. She said she didn't think it was good for him to go back. It was the first time the woman said anything to me that made sense. I was afraid to ask anymore questions or to even mention how Julian acted after the visits he had on Fridays because I just wanted her to leave our home on a good note. I wanted to just take that moment and soak every second and every word she said in. And so that is what I did. I said good bye to Betty Rose that day with a smile on my face and a song in my heart! Finally the case was turning in the right direction!

Ugh Sandy!

The beginning of the month of August brought so many changes. Julian and I had yet another social worker enter our lives in August. Her name was Sandy. I found out about her after Julian's Friday supervised visit with the bios. I was introduced to her as she was giving Julian back to me. She handed me Julian and then she introduced herself to me as though I should already know she was in the picture. She called herself a Life Skills worker. I really had no idea what that meant other than it was one more person to deal with. One more person to talk to, one more person that Julian had to be handed to and one more person that saw me as only his foster mother and not his mother.

She had been brought onto the case because the bios had not been showing up to appointments and they were saying that it was due to a language barrier. That even though Betty Rose made sure the bios were being told about all their appointments by a Spanish speaking social worker they still didn't understand when the appointments were or what was expected of them while they were at the appointments. By August they had missed three of their weekly supervised visitations with Julian, that turned out to be one out of four hours a month that they missed. There were several times they weren't showing up in court, even though their attornies were Spanish speaking, and there were therapy sessions and classes they were missing because of the supposive language barrier. Because of all these factors they were being given yet another chance to prove to the system they were fit parents through Sandy. She was brought in by Betty Rose's request to be their Spanish speaking contact and she would also walk them through their appointments weekly so there were no more excuses on missing visits, court dates or any other required appointments.

Upon meeting Sandy I knew she and I were going to struggle as much as Betty Rose and I did. As she handed me Julian that afternoon after the visit I could tell he had been through another rough visit. His eyes were swollen from crying and he looked tired. He was in yet another outfit they had chosen for him and his hair had been braided. I was always fascinated by the fact that they got one hour with this child a week and they were worried about his image rather than connecting with him. But I never questioned it, instead I just wanted to get as far away from them and social services as I could until we had to deal with it the following week.

As Sandy handed him over to me she introduced herself and before I could ask why he had been crying or how the visit went said to me, "You need to help him roll over and stand on his legs. It has been three months now and he still isn't moving. What are you doing to help him at home?" I know a look of disgust came over my face. I was so furious at the fact that I was being blamed for this child not moving. Why wasn't she asking the bios why his legs were broken in the first place. Shouldn't her concern be that he was hurt and here we were FIVE months into the case and nobody still seemed to have a clue about his injuries. I could feel my face turning more red with every frustrating thought that passed through my mind. As I started to talk I knew my voice would shake because I could feel the tears building as well. I was so tired of being the one with all the responsibility and pressure to make Julian move when I wasn't the one that hurt him in the first place. I was the one that came in and saved him from harm and now once again I was the one getting grief over his lack of movement and getting none of the credit for the things that had changed in him for the positive.

With a shaking voice and a red face I said to Sandy,"Well you should know from his file he is in physical therapy once a week and everything the therapist tells me to work I do. The physical therapist thinks he is afraid to move because of all the pain he was in while his legs were broken. Ya know two weeks is a long time to have three broken limbs with no medical attention." And then I went quiet. Although, we were outside in the parking lot full of people and cars it was like you could hear a pin drop from the silence and the tension between she and I. I knew if I didn't take a breath at that moment I would erupt with all the tears and emotions that flooded me when her words hit my ears. I couldn't lose my cool with this women. I was also holding Julian in my arms and I knew he could feel the tension in me raising. He began to try and make eye contact with me as he always did when he felt my heart change from full to broken. I looked down at him and knew he didn't need my emotions that day on top of everything else he must have been through. I tried to take a breath to help both of us out. As I looked down into his eyes I felt a small breeze rush over he and I and I knew it was God wrapping his arms around us at that moment. To give us both just a moment of peace. The air hit my hot face and I cuddled Julian closer to me. I felt his body release the tension.

I looked at Sandy waiting for a response and I got nothing from her. I said, "Look we do everything we can. He is in a walker daily just so he can figure out he can stand on his legs. I have a johnny jump up that he loves to dangle in but he has yet to figure out his little legs can bounce him around and when he isn't eating or sleeping we are working on his movement. It is very important to my husband and I that this kid figure out he can move and NOT for us but for Julian. We are just waiting on Julian now. And we will wait as long as he needs."

With that update Sandy said,"Well his parents just wanted to know why he wasn't moving at all. And I told them I would ask you." My heart broke as she called them his parents. I responded with a disgusted laugh at the thought of the people that hurt him being called his parents and I said,"because his limbs were broken for two weeks and now that they are healed he doesn't trust it won't hurt when he moves. He isn't ready yet. Tell them that." I don't think Sandy expected me to respond in the sarcastic manner in which I had because her face went to shock. At that point I said," It was nice meeting you today have a good weekend." And I walked away.

I put Julian in the car gave him his blanket for the long ride home and we drove off.

A 3am We Would Never Forget

It is sometimes funny how many things that seem so positive can still have a negative to them! This was the case with Julian as he began to roll over. We had waited months for this moment. We had spent hours in physical therapy and hours at home trying to teach him the simple skill of being able to roll over. The truth was we weren't sure if he would ever figure it out. I remember talking to his physical therapist and saying, "He is 8 months old. You would think he would want to move!" Her response to me was he would do it when he was ready. I didn't need to hear he would do it when he was ready. I wanted to know that everything we were putting him through was some how working. The fact that we were coming to a physical therapy appointment weekly and he hadn't had any significant changes since we brought him home was concerning to me as a mother. And if the physical therapist told the truth that day she too would have said she had some concerns as well.

So when he finally did move well I called everyone that day to tell them about Julian rolling over. Most everyone in our world knew what a legendary moment this was for him and for my husband and I. We had all worked so hard to get Julian to this point. But when I look back at it now I am sure that everyone I talked to that day probably thought I was crazy for the amount of excitement that poured out of me over one small movement. I didn't care I wanted to shout it for the world to hear.

Julian only rolled over that one time that day on his own. No matter how hard I tried to get him to show his dad his knew found trick, he wouldn't do it. I was so disappointed because if anyone in the world got how much work went into teaching an 8 month old how to roll over it was my husband. But Julian wasn't into showing off like I was so he would just lay on the floor and giggle with his dad. After many attempts of trying I finally gave up and thought Julian would just show his dad some other time.

That night after we had all gone to bed and the house was quiet. Well except for the pug snores. I was awaken by Julian's scream of death. It was the same scream he had so many times when we brought him home. It was so loud and horrifying that it even woke my husband up. I jumped out of bed and ran to him with my husband behind me. My heart was racing and I was full of fear. When I got to his side he was crying so hard he could barely breath. As I flipped on the light and looked in the crib the fear left my body and I began to giggle. Through my laughter I was trying to get Julian to calm down. I was talking softly and he finally got a hold of his emotions. Julian's screaming had begun because had rolled over again. Only this time he couldn't figure out how to get back the comfy tummy position so he thought he would ask for help with a little bit of a dramatic flare!

The problem was that when I began to giggle he thought it was time to play. So the screaming stopped but then he began to show off for us at 3 am. Soon the three of us laughed until we cried. My husband and I couldn't believe what we were doing at 3am but we also knew for Julian this was a time to remember. Only our little Julian would wake up the house to let everyone know he had rolled over again.

Over the next few nights there were lots of 3am wake up calls with the same blood curdling scream. I found my self night after night in his room teaching him how to roll over on his own. And each night I would think to myself, "How long is this going to go on? Is he going to be 12 I will be in here like it's okay you can do this." It was amazing how quickly I lost the enthusiasm and laughter of that first night of his rolling over. Instead I was wishing for a full nights sleep. So as I complained in my head I would sooth his crying and then I would put his right leg over his body like he was doing a yoga twist and he would do the rest. FINALLY by the tenth night he had it all figured out on his own and we all finally got a full nights sleep.

Julian Shows Me A Burning Bush

I tossed and turned all night about the option of adopting Ashley's baby. Just the idea made me begin to contemplate our lives. If we took this baby we could potentially end up with two small infants within about a year of one another. I wondered if I could handle two infants and more than that I wondered if it was fair to Julian. The truth was Julian never really had 100% of my husband and I at this point because we were constantly dealing with social services. If we brought another infant into the mix that would just add to our already chaotic lives. Julian needed peace in his world. He needed less appointments, less stress in us and more time to figure out we were family. We were his home. Once his case was closed and he was finally ours maybe it should just be the three of us for awhile.

But what if he didn't stay with us. What if the worst happened and they sent him back to the biological parents? Then should we pass up this opportunity to take Ashley's baby? Could this be God's way of giving us another shot at parenthood? I cried at the thought of losing Julian. He was what I really wanted in all this. I shouldn't have even been contemplating another baby....he was my baby...our baby! I became so overwhelmed with the guilt of just thinking about this other child that I stopped myself from going any further. As my husband snored next to me in bed that night I prayed with lots of tears to God.

Dear God,
Please give me some sign of what I am suppose to do here. A burning bush of some kind would really be helpful! I feel like we are all lost in this cycle of hopelessness. I know I can't give my child what I need to when I feel lost. I know I can't protect him when I feel hopeless. Please send me in a direction that you feel is right. And please God, give me the strength to do what you need me to do in this situation. Your losing me here dude, I feel like am beginning to break!
With an Amen to finish up my requests and then with a huge breath I fell asleep almost instantly.

The next morning I was given my morning wake up call by the love of my life. Julian was calling me. He didn't use words or even cry. Instead he began to baby babble. First, very quietly and then as time would go on it would get louder and louder until finally I would roll out of bed, grab my glasses and yawned my way into his room.

Our normal routine was he would get me to come in there and he would still be on his tummy. Even after 3 months of physical therapy he would still be on his tummy almost in the same position I would leave him in the night before. Usually, he would be talking to his giraffe on his blanket when I walked in and then when I would say, "Good morning my little man!" He would squeal and give me the biggest smile in the world. Every morning I woke up he reminded me that even though his wake up time was 5am, it was well worth it just to get that first morning squeal.

But this morning was different. He did give me my usual wake up call. I grabbed my glasses and headed to his room. As I started to say my usual Good Mornings, I heard his squeal and then I stopped myself! My eyes filled up with tears and I began to cry. Julian had FINALLY rolled over! Then before I knew what was happening I began to yell and jump up and down. He was terrified. Here I was jumping up and down and yelling, "YOU DID IT! OH MY GOD YOU DID IT! WHEW WHEW!" He didn't know it was an excited yell. He just knew my voice changed and I was crying...so he started crying too. He was so upset he looked like a turtle that had been put on its back and couldn't roll over again. Apparently, he got on his back but couldn't figure out how to get back to the very comfortable tummy position. He was in my arms within seconds and I was hugging him so tight that I am sure if he could have talked he would have said, "Ummm, Mom CAN'T BREATH!" We both stopped crying that morning with that hug. Him because he was scared and me because he finally rolled over.

I never felt more accomplished in anything I had done in life then I did that day Julian rolled over. After all we had been through in physical therapy and all the crap I had heard from social services. None of it mattered because he was finally trusting us enough to move. At that moment I knew I could never let him go. I also knew that his rolling over was God's burning bush and that things were about to change!

Ashley says Lets Talk

We got home and we were both getting ready for bed and I decided I would check emails before I turned in. I don't really know what prompted me to do this because it was late and I knew Julian would have me up at 5am ready to eat. I was even beginning to talk myself out of it as I sat behind the computer but then I saw an email from Ashley. My heart stopped and I knew immediately who she was.


I was shaking as I dragged the mouse to open the email and my mind raced remembering back to the young girl I use to baby sit so long ago. I remembered how she had told me her friend Ashley may contact me because she was pregnant and wanting to give the baby up for adoption. I couldn't believe her name was actually in mail box waiting for a response from me. The title of the email was: Lets Talk.


After the night I had with the support group, reading this email just caused more questions. I clicked open the email and my heart raced in excitement. She began the email by telling me about who she was and explaining that she was pregnant and was looking for the right family for her baby. She seemed so grown up in her words and very decisive in her decision to give her unborn child to a home that could provide a life to the baby that she couldn't at her young age. Her courage was one of the first things that struck me in her email. So much so that I sat and read her email wishing I had her strength. I heard her heart in her words and with each word I read I knew I needed to meet her.


I wasn't sure where Julian's case was going and if we needed other options for adoption. His case was still in the beginning stages according to all the social workers in our life. But I had just sat through a class that told me early stages in a case don't matter. There were still so many unanswered questions and so many people still not looking for the answers to help Julian. To help any of us. But more than just wanting to talk to her about us taking her baby, I just wanted to meet her because of her strength. We were both in a place in our lives where we needed someone to hear our hearts and understand the journeys we were on. Even though each of journeys were different, some how they seemed the same.

She ended her email by asking me to go to lunch. She wasn't ready to meet both my husband and I but she did want to meet me first. I was completely open to it and I couldn't wait to meet her.

Should I feel guility?

Driving home after that meeting was a quiet and long car ride. We both had images of people telling their amazing adoptions stories in our heads and we were both wondering now how we got where we were. Finally the silence was broken when I said, "Is it bad that I am wondering what would have happened if we didn't take on Julian's case?" I could feel the tears fill my eyes from the guilt I felt as I said it out loud. It wasn't that I didn't live Julian. Just the opposite in fact. I loved him so much that I wanted nothing more than to give him our last name and make him ours forever. But that didn't stop me from replaying every moment we had lived up to this point and wonder....what if we had said no to this case?

My husband cleared his throat and said, "Don't feel guilty. I was wondering the same thing when we were sitting there." There was a tense tone in his voice and his body language made it obvious he didn't want to talk about it anymore tonight. I gently laid my hand on his leg just to let him know I understood his feelings and we drove the rest of the way home in silence.

Cold Alone Pizza

We each grabbed two pieces of pizza and we headed back to our seats at the front of the room. During our walk back to our chairs I began to look at the other people that were going to be a part of this group. I made eye contact with one woman who had a little boy just a few weeks old in her arms. He had a head full of black hair and he looked right at home with her. I began to consider what her story might be. I wondered what she would share and if she was going through the hell we were. I smiled her way and moved my eyes down the table.

There was a lesbian couple that also sat at that table that I happened to remember them from one of our training classes. I made eye contact with them in hopes to see the same fear I saw in my own eyes everyday. I was looking for some sign that we weren't alone in this and that they understood. As I said, "hello" and waived they smiled back. Their eyes were full of light and joy. I didn't see frustration and fear. I began to wonder how they kept that joy in their eyes and stayed so positive during this constant battle with social services. It couldn't be that we were the only ones that were having a tough time.


We got to our seats and I put my paper plate down in front of me. I picked off one peperoni and ate it just as I heard a familiar voice. It was Leyla standing behind us. A sigh of relief came from deep within me just at hearing her words. She was asking everyone to take their seats so we could begin. I was so excited to see Leyla. I wanted her to ask how I was just so I could tell her about Betty Rose. I wanted to let her know all the terror that was inside me about losing Julian. I wanted her to give me advice and reassure me that everything was going to go our way but I also knew this wasn't the right time to talk to her.

Everyone took their places and as I looked around the room the only familiar faces I saw were Leyla's and the lesbian couple from our training class. I began to get nervous. I didn't want to have to tell our story and I knew some how we would have to share it. As I thought about what we would say and how we would say it, I notice I had pushed my pizza away from me. All the sudden I wasn't as hungry. In fact I almost felt nauseous just thinking about all we had been through so far.

Soon Leyla was standing in front of the room with a huge smile. She introduced herself and then said, " Now lets go around the room so everyone can introduce themselves. Start with your name, how long you have had a legal risk child in your home and where you are at in your case. We will start with you two." I almost jumped at the thought that we had to go first but as I looked toward Leyla I saw she was speaking to the lesbian couple to our right. I took a deep breath in relief and began to listen to their story.

The more outgoing woman spoke for the couple. She said, " I am Samantha and this is my partner Georgia. We have taken little Aidan in because his biological mother has a meth problem. We have had him for 3 months and parental rights are being terminated next week. So we will be able to adopt him soon." Tears filled my eyes as Samantha grabbed Georgia's hand and they both shrugged their shoulder in pure joy to have little Aidan become a part of their family. I was so devastated that we were still in limbo after all this time about Julian and these two were getting to feel what it was like to be at the end. We had worked just as hard as they had to get where we were and now we were still fighting our way through this and they were doing a victory lap.

As I had a mini pity party the rest of the room gave them a round of applause and within minutes the focus had moved on to the lady with the small infant in her arms. She gave us her name and the baby's name and told us he was only a few weeks old. She said that his biological mother was very young and that she had given him up in the hospital. So she and her husband were able to bring him home from the hospital. They were still at the beginning of the case but so far the mother had signed over her rights to the county and she refused to say who the father was. As she kept talking I felt a lump in my throat and I knew my face was turning purple. I kept seeing her husband that was sitting next to her with his arm around her bending over and kissing the top of the babies head. I was wishing that it was me in her shoes. When she was done talking her husband said, " And we already have two elementary school age girls of our own and they love being big sisters already." I was so jealous of their story. Not only do they have biological children but now they get this precious child as well.

I wondered if I was over reacting hearing these stories. I knew I had been on a roller coaster ride and my emotions were constantly being tested through this process. So for me to do a reality check, I looked over at my husband. Hoping he would give me that smile to tell me it was okay and to just take a deep breath but he didn't give me that smile. He wasn't even looking at me or the couples speaking anymore. Instead he was looking down at the table and his knee was shaking up and down. I could feel the frustration radiating off of him and I knew we were both having the same thoughts.

There were 6 couples in that room that day and all of them had stories that matched the first two. Each of them were close to having their children be a part of their families forever. We listened to each couple speak and with each story my mind raced. Why was our case so hard? What would have happened if we didn't take Julian's case? Would we have gotten Aidan or that baby? How come we aren't the ones with a happy ending? What is wrong with this system?

We had heard every one's story and we were the last one's to tell ours. I looked over at my husband and I knew he wouldn't be able to speak so I opened my mouth. With my voices shaking I introduced myself and then my husband. I took a deep breath in hopes that tears in my eyes would stay there and I said," Well I am not sure what to say about our case. We have had Julian for 3 months now. He was given to us because he had two broken legs and a broken arm at 3 months old, and nobody can seem to figure out how a 3 month old gets injuries like this. Including his biological parents. As of today, I don't feel like we are any farther along in the case than we were 3 months ago when we were told the case looked to be in our favor. In fact I worry everyday that he will be taken from us."

The energy in the room had moved from full of joy and applause to pity for my husband and I with a touch of sorrow. It was so quiet I heard the lady at the other end of the table swallow. After a few seconds of silence Leyla stood up and said," That is tough to hear right? And that's why were are here to share the good and the bad." I rolled my eyes at the thought that our story was the bad one to share.

There were speakers there that night to "help" the group understand the system better. But to be honest I have no idea who they were or what they talked about. I spent the entire hour looking around the room and wondering why we weren't of the lucky ones in this room. Even worse why wasn't Julian one of the lucky ones? He deserved justice and safety more than we deserved parenthood. Once again I questioned where God was in this.

As the hour wrapped up I gathered my things and when I looked down I noticed my now cold pizza, missing one peperoni, was still sitting there. Two pieces by themselves on a plate, sitting in the front of the room for all to see. Ironic really. To come to a support group in hopes to find someone that felt like us. Someone that got how alone and scared we were. Instead we sat at the front of that room just like that pizza. More alone than when we came in and with just a little piece of us missing now. We had lost the idea that we weren't alone in just one hour of being there. All this time we had thought there was someone out there that knew how we felt. So much so that they needed to come up with a "Support Group" to help people like us. When what we really had figured out was in fact that we were alone. It was just another class to help with education hours not a Support Group that could feel our hearts.

Support Group I

After the bios didn't show up for the visit I thought for sure everything in the case was going to change. Them not showing up was one thing but them not calling well, that was just against all rules that had been placed before them. I thought Betty Rose would give me a call to explain what had happened to the bios that day. She would call and give me all the excuses they had for not showing up to their one visit a week, but she never did. Instead we went the entire week without a phone call from her or an email. I was completely disappointed in her lack of communication. During her last home visit she finally expressed concern about "reunification" and then they didn't' show up for visit, she had to have some opinion on all of this! I know I had tons of things to say about it.

So without a phone call or an email we just went on with our week as usual. My husband and I started going to a support group meeting that week with people that were in the same position we were. At least that is what we thought we were going to.

These meetings were set up to help Legal Risk families by providing a support system of people that were in the same situation. These meetings also helped with building education hours that we were expected to complete each year by social services to renew our foster care certification. We started going to the class in hopes that someone would share something with us that gave us hope in our case. It didn't matter that it helped us recertify because by the time our yearly certification was up Julian would be ours. But for the time being we needed a support system that understood how hard it was to live like this. We needed people that got the frustrations we had with the system and how hard it was to deal with parenthood on top of dealing with social services.

We were excited at the thought of meeting others like us. I loved the idea of being able to call up a girlfriend that totally got what I was going through because she had been dealing with the same thing. So I had high hopes for this meeting.

As we drove over to the meeting my husband and I talked about our expectations. What we hoped to get out of this group and how we hoped it would help. The group meetings were arranged by social services, so we went to the same building we had done all of our training to become certified at. We even went back to the same room we sat in during all of those classes. As we walked in the room the aroma of peperoni pizza swept through me. I was so hungry but because of nerves I hadn't eaten yet. My stomach growled as we were stopped at the door so that we each could write our name on a name tag. As my husband wrote his name I glanced in the room and noticed that all the long rectangular tables that had been pushed into a circle so we could all face one another. I got even more nervous.

I am not good at being vulnerable with people. And when it came to Julian, I was very protective. So I wasn't sure what we were going to have to share with strangers or how I would do with opening up to people. I just knew that I craved having someone in my life that truly understood what I was going through. I just wanted anyone to get it. The closest person to understanding my feelings was my husband and even he didn't get the full magnitude of what I went through everyday because he was at work during most of it. He understood my frustrations but he didn't live it the same way I did everyday. I just knew there had to be another mother in this room that understood my heart.

As my husband and I slapped our name tags over our hearts we looked for a place to sit down. We ended up at the front of the room. We were the only two that sat there. Everyone else had managed to fill in the rest of the circle and we sat alone at the front of the room. We laid down our things to mark that our seats were taken and we headed toward the table that had the pizza. I couldn't wait to eat.

Last Friday in July

It was the last supervised visit in July. Fridays were always so hard for Julian and I. Our mommy and baby routine was always thrown off. We had to rush our mornings on Fridays and they were full of making sure he ate something just in case they didn't feed him. The bios were also very particular about his clothes. They sent him home in outfits they purchased and always told the social worker who brought him back to me that they wanted to see him in that outfit the next visit. His hair was always to dry to them so they would send home products they wanted us to try. Each visit was a different problem for these people. And we could do nothing about their requests except do as they asked because to social services this was their child and they got what they wanted. The problem for me was they were always worried about his appearance. It didn't matter to them that he hadn't learned to roll over yet because of his injuries. They never asked me for details on his physical therapy or how his acid reflux was. It wasn't a concern to them that he had night terrors or that he was sick for three days after his vaccinations. Instead they concentrated on his outward appearance. And so this is what we had to concentrate on in order to get out the door.

So on the last Friday of July, Julian and I rushed around the house trying to make it on time to his supervised visit. He was in their clothes as they requested. His hair was full of the products I was told to use. And by the time we both got to the garage door we were both ready for a nap. But that didn't matter to anyone but us. What Julian or I needed didn't matter, what mattered is that we were to the visit on time and that he looked pretty. If I were the bios I wouldn't have cared if his face was dirty as long as the police were working on who hurt my child....assuming I wasn't guilty of hurting him myself. It wouldn't matter to me if the people taking care of him put him in trendy kids clothes as long as he was cool in the summer and warm in the winter. More than that I wouldn't worry about his hair being to dry or sticking strait up in the air if he smiled and his eyes glistened each time I saw him because he was happy to see me. But then again I would never have been in the position the bios were in because I would never had made the dumb decisions they did.

As I put my baby in the car that Friday I prayed for a miracle as I always did when I drove him to these visits. God PLEASE let them screw up enough so they don't get him back. With each plea the butterflies grew in my stomach. The closer we got to the visit the more I felt the lump in my throat. I hated handing Julian over to whoever came out to get him for the visit. It was an hour of our day but to me it was an hour I would never get back. It was also an hour that could change the entire way this case could go.

If it was a good hour Betty Rose would continue to talk about reunification. If they would just stop showing up to these visits we could finally get their rights revoked and move on with our lives. Each hour he spent with the bios made a difference in the case. I just wanted more hours that put the case in our favor vs. theirs.

As always we were right on time. Julian was in the back seat sleeping as I parked the car. As soon as the car stopped he took that as his cue to wake up. I took him out of his car seat and put him in the passengers seat while we waited for someone to come get him. As we sat in the car together we played peek a boo. I would cover his head with his favorite blue blanket, the one that looked like Grovers fur from Sesame Street and it had an embroidered giraffe on it. With his head covered I would say, "Where's Julian?" He would remain very still under the blanket but I could feel his smile fill the air. So I would ask again "Where's Julian?" He would rip the blanket from his head and giggle while I yelled, "There he is!"

It was a game that occupied us for hours some days and each giggle made me want to play over and over just to hear it. As we played games and waited I looked at the clock and my heart began to race. The bios were late for the visit! I was so excited at the thought of them not showing up! I was remembering the last time they didn't show up and I was told that if they were 10 minutes late the visit was cancelled. I waited two more minutes and then I started calling around to figure out if we could go home or not.

I knew if I didn't get a hold of someone like Betty Rose and we just left that somehow it would be my fault that the visit was messed up. I made five phone calls and finally got a hold of one of the girls that usually supervised the visits. I told her we were waiting outside and she said, " Well they haven't shown up yet and they haven't called us to give us an excuse. When I tried to call them I got the message that their phone had been disconnected. So they are either to late or they choose not to show up. Whatever the case you can go home. I will tell Betty Rose they didn't show and that you were here on time." I couldn't believe my ears! FINALLY one point for our team. The bios didn't show! I hung up the phone, put Julian back in his car seat and got out of that parking lot like a bat out of hell. I was flying to get out of there because I didn't want to give them a chance to show up late and still have the visit.

All the way home I thank God for the blessing. I prayed it was the start of a trend. I started to think to myself, maybe since she got pregnant they will just give up on seeing Julian. The phone was disconnected...maybe they left town. Wouldn't that be the best thing for all of us at this point. For them to just up and leave! If they just gave up we could finally be a real family! Just the three of us living the dream my husband and I had hoped for all this time. I knew that with them not showing up things were finally going to change. Betty Rose would finally have to see they didn't deserve to have Julian. They couldn't even show up for an hour that week to see their child. I couldn't wait to hear what she had to say about this visit!

Apology to the Readers

Hey everyone....I know you guys are probably noticing that my writing has slowed down. The truth is my heart breaks every time I write about the days we had Julian. I struggle thru reliving all my feelings that I was going thru then. I also am fighting with knowing the outcome yet writing a story where you as the reader can't tell the outcome. This part has been harder than I thought it would be to share with all of you...but it still is all I think about. So don't give up on me and checking in with the blog!!! Its coming...just a little more slowly now!

Thanks for all the support.
CB

My First Letter to Julian

July 22, 2007

My Dearest Julian,

Today is the first day I am writing to you. You have changed so much in the last three months that you have been with us and I want you to someday look back at this letter and know what you were doing and how I was feeling.

Yesterday was the first day we let anyone else hold you besides us. When you came to us so many strangers had been in your life so we didn't want to add to your confusion by letting just anyone hold you. We have taken our time and the time you needed for bonding. But yesterday we went to a barbecue and everyone was in awe of you. You were full of smiles and giggles. It was my good friend Sara that was the first one to hold you. You watched me the whole time to make sure I was close. You also lost the giggles and smiles if I wasn't holding you but it warmed my heart to know you looked for me. It meant in your eyes I was finally mommy and I was so honored to be with you. You did great and everyone fell in love with you, just as I knew they would. Your so easy to love.

Your second little tooth is coming in. To be honest teething is not our thing. Neither you or I enjoy any part of this. We both cry a lot and some days you cry so much you start to lose your voice. All I can do is hold you and cry with you. We also spend a lot of time praying for it to be quick every time we see a new tooth on the way.

My favorite thing you do right now is laugh so hard you snort. It makes me laugh every time. I lay you on my tummy and hold you like I am hugging you then I start to tickle your sides and you bury your face in my chest and laugh until you snort. Today you had me laughing so hard I got tears in my eyes. I love our time together little one. It feels so precious.

When you first came home everyone bought you clothes. Your already growing out of them. Some of them you haven't even worn. You don't like to wear much so you spend most days in a onsie because you get so hot so easily. If you had your way it would be naked baby all the time.

Your favorite food is squash and sweet potatoes. Your eyes light up and you begin to kick in your high chair every time you smell one of them cooking. And when I start to head your way with them you squeal with delight. I make them for you a lot just to hear the squeal. When you eat, you need your own spoon to hold. You like to bang it on the highchair or to chew on it if I am not feeding you fast enough. We can't ever get started with meals if you don't have your own spoon. Baby food is all you will eat right now, you don't like anything solid in your mouth. I have tried many new foods but each time you begin to make this funny sound similar to a cat with a hair ball. I have tried to show you several ways to swallow solid food but you are still trying to figure it all out. I know we will get there.

More than anything I want you to know how blessed your daddy and I are to have you. I look forward to watching you grow into the amazing person I know you will be. I can't wait until you have our last name. Your a blessing baby boy!

I love you,
Mommy

Stop Hurting Me Dad

As I was taking the time to calm down, I made eye contact with my husband who happen to be home that day for Betty Rose's monthly visit. It was nice to have him there because then I felt like I didn't have to handle Betty Rose on my own. As he and I looked at one another I saw the fight building in his eyes the way it was in mine. It was like we had this unspoken language when it came to her. As I rolled my eyes he just gave me his, got get her grin, which told me it was time to shut her up. But before I could open my mouth to comment Betty Rose began talking again.

After she had just mentioned how poorly the last visit had gone and how she was concerned about their parenting skills were. She then must have decided that since we were already mad, it was probably the time to drop another bomb on us.

She began by saying, "There is another issue that the bios have asked me to talk to you guys about." I could not imagine what these people possibly thought we needed to discuss through Betty Rose. Just the idea of having a discussion with them made my heart pound and having her involved just caused bigger problems for me. I said, "There is an issue?"

With a nod of her head she began to explain," They think Julian is losing his Spanish words. They would like for you to start speaking Spanish to him so he can understand them at visits. It would be helpful if you could get toys and books in Spanish too. Just think you guys could become bilingual through this experience." I began to laugh out loud. At first I think she thought I was laughing because she made the joke about being bilingual. Really I was laughing at this ridiculous request. It was the kind of laugh that seemed fun at first but by the time I was done laughing she felt like an idiot.

I said, " Are you kidding me? He lost his Spanish words? He is 8 months old and has two words, Dada and Mama, and that is me and my husband. He never had Spanish words to lose Betty Rose. Remember when they broke his legs at 3 months old and lost him, was he fluent in Spanish then and we just missed the miracle of his speech? I can't believe you would ask this of us too. You knew we weren't bilingual when you placed him with us."

Once again you could hear a pin drop in our home due to Betty Rose's presence. As I stared deep into her eyes looking for some response the only thing I noticed was her face becoming very red. Soon she broke eye contact with me and looked over to my husband. He gained his composer much better than I did and he said,"Is that what we need to do? Teach him Spanish so we can keep him?" She said in a nervous voice,"Well it would NOT ensure that you keep him but it will look better for you two if you would try to comply with their request." Then without a second thought my husband responded," Then that is what will do, but not for them Betty Rose, for you. Because you asked."

With that Betty Rose wrapped up her third and what I hopped to be her final visit and left our home. As I closed the door behind her, I turned around to start my bitch session to my husband about her visit, as I got him and Julian in my line of sight I heard my husband teaching Julian how to say," Stop hurting me dad," and "Your not my mom" in Spanish! I laughed until I cried that afternoon. My husband always knew just what to do to make me feel better.

Dad Passes the Polygraph

By mid July I was back to seeing social workers again. I dreaded the week that I had to go through this but I knew it was something I had to do in order to keep Julian in the end. My heart sank at the thought of Betty Rose telling me once again I wasn't his mother. Yet, I still was hopeful that this months visit she would have some new information that would make this visit her last visit. I hoped for a major change in the case or any information that would make my husband and I feel more confident that the case would quickly come to an end. However, the month of July did not give us that relief.

When Betty Rose came to our home she began by telling us that bio dad passed a polygraph test saying he didn't cause the injuries. She also mentioned that mom couldn't take her polygraph test until the baby she was pregnant with was born because a polygraph reads off of heartbeats and it would give a false reading with the babies heart beat as well. When I asked her what that meant for Julian's case she never had an answer. It was always well we need to wait and see what "mom's" results are. I found it so strange that so much of the case revolved around polygraph tests because in criminal court polygraph tests are hardly ever used as evidence. In the 1998 Supreme Court case, United States v. Scheffer, the majority stated that “There is simply no consensus that polygraph evidence is reliable.” If the Supreme Court ruled this way then why the hell were we putting our resources in this? The truth is a polygraph can easily give a false reading if the questions are asked incorrectly or I don't know they are asked in English then translated to Spanish! This is what happened with the bios. The questions were asked in English to a Spanish translator that then asked the bios the questions in Spanish. Or the results can give a false reading if the person taking the polygraph is a professional liar. What ever the reason, usually the courts don't allow polygraph results into evidence.

Needless to say, I was confused and angered by the fact that it was so important for all the adults in this case to take a polygraph test if they weren't admissible in court. And each time one of these adults, that were in Julian's life, took a test and the results came in it seemed almost like useless information to Betty Rose. She never had an opinion on it. The police never made an arrest based on the information. Yet Betty Rose always found it important to tell us what the results were and when I asked what that meant for the case..she would say," Well we just have to wait and see." Wait and see....this was suppose to be a quick case and here we are 3 months into it and nothing has changed. We were sitting there having the same conversation we had the last two months. Where was the break down?

Betty Rose was probably one of the most frustrating people I have ever met. Each time she came to our home I hoped she would show me a different side of her. A side of compassion and gratitude for my husband and I. But instead every time she was there she broke our hearts just a little bit more. Even when she thought she was giving us news we would want to hear. Like supervised visitation wasn't going well. That should be a point for us, the good guys, right? Instead she told this story.

"The last visit didn't go very well. Mom and Dad are still overstimulating Julian in the visit. So much so that he became hysterical from having rattles and toys shaken in face for 30 minutes. He was crying and they kept shaking toys in his face instead of figuring out ways to sooth him. I had to make each of them stand on separate sides of the room and alternate holding him. When he finally calmed down he fell asleep for the rest of the visit." The room went silent after her story. I must have been looking at her like I saw aliens coming out of her head because she then made eye ontact and said "What?" My heart sank as she told this story. Were my husband and I the only two in the case that saw it was a problem for Julian to cry for 30 minutes about over stimulation? And had it occurred to her she also didn't mention they had tried to feed him that visit.

As I tried to gather my thoughts and clean up my language before I spoke to her, I felt my little man in my lap. Was it worth even bringing any of my concerns up to her? Would she listen? I kissed Julian's little head and took a deep breath.

July 4th

It was our first July 4th as a family. Julian had on a cute little onsie that said MY FIRST 4th OF JULY! His eyes were full of life and his hair was wild but my favorite part of the day was he was back to being a little chatter box. I loved hearing Mama and Dada every three seconds. It was one of the many gifts he gave us. And each time he said it he melted my heart. Our little man still wouldn't put weight on his legs but he had gotten to the point where he was trying to move a little and he was finally sitting up again. Two weeks had passed since had gotten his vaccinations and it had taken him that long to move around enough to know he could sit up again, but he still did not trust that there wouldn't be pain in his legs. The truth was none of that even mattered to us that day. The only thing that mattered was it was a holiday which meant no doctors appointments, or social services visits. It was our day to be a family without anything reminding us that he wasn't ours yet.

We all got and the car and headed to my mom's house to BBQ. Julian's favorite pass time in life was being spoiled by Gramma. As soon as we mentioned Gramma's name he was looking around for her with a HUGE toothless grin. Our first 4th of July was turning out just as I had imagined. Julian was in good spirits we were surrounded by our family and the best part was making huge ice cream sundaes at dusk. We even took our first family photo that day. All three of us sat in front of one HUGE sundae and while my husband and I are smiling for the camera, Julian began digging in the ice cream oblivious that any of us are there. All he could think was bring on the ice cream! We were all so happy that day.

It was days like that one that gave me the strength keep going. To continue my constant battle to keep Julian. To fight anyone who told me he had a future without us. To take on a broken system that didn't see us as his parents, although it was obvious when Julian called me Mama and my husband Dada that we were the only ones he knew to love and take care of him. I remember looking around at the BBQ and thinking we were his family now and I was so relieved that day there was no reminder they we weren't. It was moments like the 4th of July that made me feel positive that God was on our side.

Taking a Huge Step Backward

After leaving the doctors office that day Julian became very cranky. He cried all the way home while we were in the car. When we got home he would eat or sleep. And then I noticed he felt very warm. When I took his temp it was 101. The doctor had given me things that could happen after shots and running a fever was on the list of side effects. So I sent my husband to the drug store to get something to bring his fever down while I tried a cool bath to break his fever.

Usually Julian loved bath time. He had tons of bath toys and he always enjoyed splashing around. But on this day his little mind was preoccupied with not feeling well. When I set him in the cool water he screamed. At first I thought the water was to cold but when I looked at the temperature it was just room temp. And so then I just knew the screaming was because he didn't feel good. It was a scream that tore my heart out. Julian only let out this scream when he was at the end of his rope. I couldn't imagine anything worse than listening to him scream like this when his bones were broken, he must have cried like this for two weeks! I am sure if the neighbors heard him crying that day I had him in the bathtub, they probably did think I was doing something awful to him. But I knew that I had to get that fever to break.

With in minutes my husband was in the bathroom with us trying to get Julian to calm down long enough to give him some medicine to help break the fever. And as always my husband was the one that got Julian to take a breath. As we got him out of the bathtub and into his jamies it was obvious the fever had broke. It was a huge relief to us both. Then with a belly full of food Julian went down for the night.

As my husband and I got ready for bed I went in to check on Julian as I always did and he seemed to be sound asleep. He was still sleeping on his belly and as I walked out of the room I asked my husband, "Do you think that kid will ever roll over?" With us both giggling about our son we crawled into bed and fell asleep as soon as we hit the pillow. Any day as a parent of an 6 month old is exhausting but the days that involved doctors visits and a fever are even harder so falling asleep that night was not a problem for either of us. Within two hours of us sleeping we woke up to Julian's terror scream again. I jumped out of bed thinking only the worst...had he hurt himself....was he stuck in the crib??? When I entered the room Julian was screaming like he was on fire and as I picked him up he was soaking wet. The fever was back. And so with all of us up again we were back to trying to get Julian comfortable so we could all get some sleep.

It took my husband and I hours to get the fever to break...we administered more medication. We stripped his jamies off and were putting cold towels on him to cool him off. Just as I was about to get everyone in the car and head to the closest emergency room the fever broke and Julian fell asleep in my arms as I rocked him.

Once again we were all back to sleep and the house was quiet. Julian didn't move the rest of the night. He managed to keep his temperature down and I thought we had gotten through the worst of it. The next morning my internal alarm woke me up before Julian did. I looked at the clock and it was only 5:30. It had been a hard night for my little man so I just let him sleep. I went down to make coffee and was just pouring myself a cup when I heard him whimpering through the baby monitor. It was an odd cry for him it didn't sound like the usual "come get me outta this crib" cry instead it was more of a "are you kidding me with these shots" cry....but either way it sounded like he was up.

When I got upstairs he was in his crib laying face down like he use to when we first brought him home. He didn't move an inch when I started to talk to him. Instead he just cried. I picked him up and gave him his good morning kiss and he felt a little warm. Not to terrible just warmer than usual. But what was more strange to me was he was barely moving at all. I changed his diaper threw him on my right hip and we started to head downstairs for breakfast. As I wrapped my arm around his little leg like I always did he let out that same scream I had heard the night before.

It was at that moment that I figured out that Julian thought his little legs were broken again because of the pain from the shots. I wiped his tears and kissed his forehead and I started to sing Jesus Loves Me to get him to calm down. By the time we got downstairs his little face was still full of stress but the tears had stopped. I wanted to test my theory about his legs and so before I fed him breakfast I sat him on my lap and tried to get him to put weight on his legs. He wouldn't do it. He was back to acting like a slug. I couldn't blame him really. All he knew was there was pain again in his legs. He wasn't going to move because he didn't want to have to feel the pain.

I called the doctor later that morning and explained how our night had gone with his fever and now how he was dealing with the pain. She explained that some children just reacted that way to vaccinations and asked me to give him three days before we brought him in or if we couldn't keep the fever down then call back. So for three days we fought fever and pain with Julian. Every six to eight hours the medication would run its coarse and the screaming would start. There were cool baths, night sweats and lots of tears from all of us in those three days. We were all so tired and overwhelmed by it all. But by the end of day 3 our little Julian was back. He was smiling and talking. He ate and seemed like the little baby we had grown to love. Everything was the same except Julian still wouldn't move his legs.

Just tell the Truth

After meeting Julian's G.A.L we were on top of the world as a family. We were once again feeling secure about Julian's case and the evidence against the bios. We were working on his physical strength and endurance, and he was blossoming like a rose in spring. Life for those four days between meeting Julian's G.A.L and Betty Rose's monthly home visit was good!

It was amazing what a few days of freedom away from social services could do for our family. When we were free of visits to our our home, physical therapy or supervised visits with the bios. We felt free. We did things like go to the zoo or swing on the swings park. Sometimes just taking long walks and enjoying the sun on our faces made us all feel stress free and full of joy.

And then there were days that Betty Rose came to our home. She seemed to be the thief that stole our joy. That turned our world from feeling freedom to feeling like a slave to fear and doubt. Her second visit wasn't much better than the first. In fact to me it was worse than the first.

She once again rambled on about a baby fix and immediately snatched Julian up from his toys so she could cuddle with him. She kissed his face and talked nonsense to him for the first 15 minutes of the visit. I had decided this time I was going to let her lead the visit instead of me asking all the questions to see if maybe our last visit was just a "bad day" for her. But after listening to her for 15 minutes ramble on to Julian and not ask me one thing about his care I could no longer hold my tongue.

And so with a deep breath I said, "So how is the case going?" As I watched her facial expressions change I could tell she didn't like the idea of me having any information about the case. I couldn't figure that out because to me even if it was bad news for my husband and I the truth was better than not knowing anything at all. I studied her eyes as if looking for a clue to the truth but all I saw in her eyes was disgust. She said," Well your not going to like this but the babysitter took a polygraph test and failed it. So it looks like she might be the one that caused the injuries not mom and dad."

My heart sank and I began to panic. I wasn't sure how polygraphs held up in court but I was sure these people weren't smart enough to pass a polygraph test. So what if the babysitter did do it? Would that change how this case went? They still had the unexplained death of their first child and his wrist was broken for a week before the second injuries to his legs occurred. And what about the fact that they still waited another week before taking him to the hospital. Did any of that matter or was she about to tell me that all that mattered was this polygraph.

With a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes I asked, "So what does that mean?" She said," Well nothing yet. But if the parents aren't guilty he needs to be returned home to them." I hated the way she just threw words out at me and disregarded our feelings. I hated how she never gave us credit for loving him and taking care of him. I knew from our first visit that she couldn't be trusted with my heart but I also knew she held the cards. With those words she just threw out there she made it very clear I wasn't his mother and the truth was she really didn't see me being his mother in the future she just didn't have the guts to throw it out there for me to hear.

She saw the rage in my eyes when I heard her say that he needed to be returned home. What the hell was she talking about? HE WAS HOME! She was sitting with him in his home. My face was getting to the purple stage I could tell by the heat I was feeling. I wanted to tear her apart for even thinking that my child would go back to those people. But as I gathered my thoughts and held in the cuss words I smiled at her and looked into her now fearful eyes and said, "Have you figured out how the first child died?" She quickly said, "Not yet." I said, "Interesting. Have you for sure ruled mom and dad out as suspects? I mean have the police arrested the babysitter?"

I heard her swallow hard like her throat was closing from the truth in which she was about to speak. At that moment I took my son from her and said, "How are the visits going when they have him for just one hour a week? Are they becoming the parents you want them to be so he can GO HOME?"

Her eyes grew softer I think in hopes that I would calm down. It was the first time I saw her look human. She said, "Well the truth is visits aren't going great. They can't seem to figure out the formula thing so they haven't been feeding him. When they have him they are overstimulating him so he cries most of the time. They can't seem to bond with him and I can physically watch him relax when I take him out of the room from being with them. Your right we still don't have all the facts about the first infants death. Mom's story about how the baby died just doesn't seem right but I don't have a death certificate to back up how the baby died. I need to get that from Honduras. And no the police haven't made an arrest. They actually think that even though the babysitter failed the polygraph, dad is the number one suspect that caused the injuries."

I couldn't believe her. After all the crap about reunification and sending him home, she wasn't convinced that was even a possibility. I disliked her even more after she spilled her guts about the case. Sure she was finally honest about the facts but the truth was she knew this the entire time and refused to tell me until I was angry.

I said, "Betty Rose, thank you for the information. It sounds like there is still alot to be figured out on this case. I also think its time for Julian's nap so maybe you can call me later and we will set up next months appointment." I then opened the front door to let her know it was time for her to leave. As she was walking out she once again kissed Julian's face and said good bye to me and I gently closed the door behind her.

Finding A Doctor

One of my biggest concerns for Julian was his medical care. He had been seen by so many doctors in the short time he had been on this earth. There was the doctor that delivered him as a premature baby. Then there was the medical team that helped when he was brought in to the hospital with his injuries. And it was a totally different team of doctors that did his follow up visits after his casts came off. When he had been taken into foster care he also started going to a clinic for his regular well baby check up's and for his acid reflux. Each time he went to the clinic he saw a different doctor, the doctor that happened to be working that day. To me this was not the kind of care we hoped to have for Julian.

With a little one that had been through so much we thought he needed a doctor that knew him by name. That saw him and knew his history. Each time I had taken him in for his well baby visits I had to explain his situation to the doctor that came into the room that day. They hadn't even looked over his chart or tried to figure it out before they saw us. It was frustrating not only to explain our situation to a total stranger but to also have to answer all the questions that came along with it because most of the questions just reminded me that Julian legally was not our son. It would be questions like, "wow so you haven't adopted him yet? How is that process going?" like I had some kind of control over adopting him. Or after I would explain the injuries and all that he had been through then their concern would turn to me and my mental health. Which let me honest, I was under a huge umbrella full of holes in a monsoon! My mental health would take longer than this short well baby visit. Talking about my mental health would only be positive if Julian were finally a legal member of our family and I would no longer have to explain our relationship.

I went to two appointments at this clinic he had been going to before I decided this wasn't what I wanted for Julian or myself each time we went to the doctor. I really wanted a doctor that knew us and could watch him grow. I must have called fifty doctors looking for the one that would take Julian's insurance, Medicaid, and an office that only had one pediatrician that could watch him grow. Finally, it was the same pediatrician that took my niece as a preemie patient that took Julian. They only took in a handful of Medicaid patients and after hearing our story she couldn't say no. I was so excited.

Of coarse during our first visit to meet her I cried. I didn't want to cry but I was so overwhelmed with emotions that day. We were there so Julian could get his first round of shots and as any mother knows, shot days are always hard. Not only does it mean they are growing up to quickly, each shot means another month or three months has past. But it also means they will scream from pain and as a mother you can't explain to them why this is happening and you can not do anything about the tears, so you cry with them. I was also so thankful to be in a clean and loving doctors office. As I told her our story and how I felt like a I was working toward a different goal than every other adult in Julian's life, she cried with me. Her eyes were full of tears as I told her our story and she reached out and grabbed my hand to let me know her heart was breaking for us. We both watched Julian's little face as he played with his toys on the floor of the exam room. He wasn't phased by our emotions in fact as he looked up at us he seemed peaceful and even let out a huge squeal to let us know he knew he was being watched.

When I was done she said, "I can't imagine the fear that fills your heart about Julian's future. And I want you to know we will watch over him here just like he were already yours. As far as I am concerned you are his parents and those people out there they gave birth to him already gave up their rights to have him when they allowed him to be hurt and didn't seek medical attention. Now lets get him up on this table and check him out shall we?"

As we both wiped our tears from our eyes, I knew we once again had found a place for our family. It was one small step but for me at this point it was what we needed. I put Julian on the table and she began the exam. As she looked over every inch of his little body she also began educating me on his growth and what to expect. She said it was time to start introducing him to baby food and she thought that might help with his constant vomiting. Sometimes it was just formula that wasn't settling well with babies and introducing baby food might help. I was so excited at the thought of not being covered in puke for the rest of my life!

She also gave him his shots that day. And although he did cry as soon as the shot went in he was easily distracted by his toys and it wasn't until later that day that I would figure out just how rough those two little shots would be for Julian.

G.A.L Meeting

Julian also had a Guardian Ad Litem or G.A.L. She by definition was an individual appointed to represent the best interests of a child (Julian) or incapacitated person for the purpose of a legal procedure. She was appointed by the courts to represent Julian's best interests and to insure that he had a voice in the legal proceedings. We hadn't met or even talked on the phone the first month we had Julian in our home. I had left messages with her but had never gotten a call back. I thought it was strange she had not made it to our home for a visit when she was the only one besides my husband and I that were suppose to have Julian's best interest at heart.

It wasn't until the middle of June, almost six weeks after we had become a family, that we got a call from her. She wanted to know when we could get together to meet one another and she wanted to check on Julian. We settled on the last week in June because it worked for both her schedule and our crazy schedule. When I was on the phone with her I expected a bunch of questions about Julian and how he was doing but instead she just set up the appointment and then told me she looked forward to meeting us and the conversation was over.

Once again another person had entered our world that didn't really seem to care about Julian's well being. He was just another case that had to be taken care of. I wanted to shout from the mountain tops that JULIAN WAS DOING AMAZING! He was sitting up and he was talking non stop! I wanted them to know that he was a happy baby and he loved to play and listen to music. I needed them to acknowledge him as a person and not just another number on their case load or a baby fix. But instead it was all business to these people.

When the Gardian Ad Litem showed up at our home she was very friendly. I thought she would want to see our home and where Julian lived but instead she came in and sat in the living room as Julian and I played on the floor. The first five minutes of the meeting were FINALLY about Julian. She asked me questions about his health, physical therapy and eating habits. I gave her the highlight show of our last month and half together. I told her he hadn't had any health concerns in the last month. I gave her the cliff notes version of physical therapy and then even showed her some of his best moves.....and when it came to eating well Julian was never a bad eater and his little chubby thighs could tell the story.

As I talked she wrote notes and listened. When I was done I had Julian in my lap and she looked down at him and said, "Hey there Julian. Where is your mommy?" and without a second thought Julian looked up at me and put his hand on my face. It was the first time anyone at social services had called me mommy but that isn't what made the tears form in my eyes. It was Julian's reaction to the question. He knew I was mommy. As I tried to pull myself together I looked to the GAL for approval and she smiled. I knew it then....she thought I was mommy too and it was an amazing feeling!

She said," Your doing a great job with him. He seems so happy and he obviously loves you. The last time I saw him was when he was in his casts and he cried the entire visit." Her encouraging words warmed my heart so far the visit with her wasn't anything like Betty Rose. As I listened to her compliment me about Julian I couldn't help but be full of questions. And so with her bringing up his casts I began to ask questions about the case.

I told her about Betty Rose wanting to reunite the family and I asked her if that was a possibility. She said," There is always a possibility of reuniting the family. And this family would have a lot of work to do before they would ever be reunited. They will be put on a treatment plan and all the criteria must be met before there is any talk about reunification. And I want you to know I will fight to keep Julian out of their home until we figure out without a doubt who caused his injuries."

And with those words I stopped holding my breath. I was finally talking to someone that had the same concerns I did. What actually happened to my baby in those weeks his little bones were broken? Not only how did the injuries happen but who caused them? How can reunification be a consideration at this point when we haven't even caught the bad guys yet? Sure bio mom and dad blame a babysitter but the police didn't think it was the babysitter. So now what? I was just relieved she had the same concerns I did.

As we talked about Julian's safety and how I was concerned about all this talk of reunification when we weren't even sure of how the injuries were caused, the GAL dropped another bomb on me. She said," Julian's bio mom was pregnant again. And now Julian isn't our only concern but this baby they are expecting could also be in danger." I couldn't believe my ears. She is pregnant with baby #3! What was God's plan here? They already had one dead infant. Then Julian's injuries and now another baby? I was sick at the thought of them conceiving another child. She said,"When I talked to mom about the current pregnancy said she got pregnant to help her stop thinking about Julian." I was appalled at the idea of replacing Julian with a new baby. They didn't deserve to get the short time they had with him much less be reunited with him. How could a child be replaced especially my little Julian? And this new baby just added another obstacle to this case.

Within 45 minutes I had been updated by the GAL and she had all the information she needed from me and we were saying our good byes. I thanked her for her for coming out and asked her to keep me in the loop with any of her findings. She agreed and told me to keep up the good work with Julian and she left.

As I fed Julian his bottle that afternoon and rocked him to sleep I began to hope that maybe the bios would replace Julian with this new baby and they would walk away from him. As I sang Julian's favorite song, Jesus Loves Me, I asked God to watch over us and to please keep our family together.

Seeing Photos

Although the month of June brought many blessings with Julian's progress physically and the blessing of our little family unit starting to figure each other out better. It also brought a ton of confusion. At the beginning of the month Belinda came out to see us. She was the social worker that represented my husband and I. She was the only one I trusted that worked for social services because she was always looking out for our feelings and trying to keep us in the loop with any information she had about Julian's case. She wanted us to feel knowledgeable so we always knew what we were up against. She never made any promises about the future but she did give us all the facts of the case that were available to her.

During her second visit Belinda brought us photos of Julian's biological parents. She knew we lived close to them and she wanted us to know what they looked like just in case we were ever approached by them while we were out in public places. She also wanted us to have the photos for Julian so someday we could show him who his birth parents were.

I remember taking the photos from her and almost having an out of body experience. My eyes were glued to the pictures. Even having the proof in my hands that they were really people, and not just a made up story by social services, I still couldn't grasp the concept that they were the ones that gave birth to our child. It was hard to imagine anyone being parents to Julian other than my husband and I.

There were three different poses in the photos. They were taken at one of Julian's weekly visits with them. As I looked at the pictures I first saw his biological fathers face. Julian did look just like him. Their eyes were the same deep brown and as both he and Julian looked into the camera they both had a haunted stare and neither of them smiled. Julian's biological mother looked so young. She was full of smiles and in every picture she didn't take her eyes of Julian. During my analysis I was looking for any clue about how this case would go. Did they seem to love him? How was he reacting to them? Did they really break his arm and two of his legs? And of coarse none of those answers were in those three photos I was given.

Belinda finally interrupted my search for clues and asked if I was okay. I told her it was weird to finally see them but that I was glad she shared the information with us. I asked her if she knew anything about the case. She told me that Betty Rose hadn't given her an update in awhile but she did know that when she went in to take the pictures for us during visitation that day that Julian wasn't a happy baby. She explained that he was very fussy and that the bios didn't seem to know how to calm him down. I thought back to the visit where I was told that they didn't have food for him and I began to tell Belinda the story of that day. My frustration grew the more I talked. I was struggling with the fact that they didn't feed him that day. I was worrying about the fact that he cried the entire visit and nobody knew how to help him. It broke my heart to know that when I dropped him off at these visits he was just being watched like an animal in the zoo but he wasn't really being cared for because they wanted to see if the bios could figure out how to care for him. When I was done with the story I asked her, "What do these parents have to do to get him back? Is that really a possibility?"

She saw the pain in my eyes. She knew that each day we spent with Julian meant one more day that he took a piece of our hearts. And each day we didn't know the outcome of this story just caused more pain. She said, "I know you love him and your doing amazing things for him. I will work on finding out what is happening with this case and you just keep praying for him to take your last name." And so with her words and her pictures I said good bye to her that day and once again had to trust that someone with more power than I was going to do the right thing by Julian.