A Time Out

Hello to all my readers....I haven't written in a few days because I am struggling with the what direction I want the book to go....so I decided I am going to take this week to figure it out...so I won't be posting any entries for a few days....unless I get the brainstorm I am hoping for! Sorry for the inconvenience...I know how loyal you guys are about reading...keep checking back in!

Much Love
CBOLZ

Name that Formula

A new month brought new experiences. The first of which was our 2nd scheduled supervised visitation with the bios. Julian and I showed up at our scheduled time that day. I had been full of hope that the bios would not show up again this time, and that was only because of their history. The truth was I had no idea what was going on with the case or anything that pertained to it because I hadn't heard from Betty Rose in two weeks.

As I drove into the back parking lot to once again meet Ana I noticed she was already waiting for us outside. My heart sank. She was smoking a cigarette and when she saw my car she threw it on the asphalt of the parking lot and stepped on it. I was ready to cry I couldn't believe they were there. As I got out of the car Ana was walking toward us. She was just a few steps away when I heard her say....they were early today! That's good right?

I was shocked at the words she was speaking to me but more shocked at the excitement in her voice. It was as tho she was pleased they showed up...and she wanted me to be pleased. I was taking Julian out of the car seat and I said...well it is not good for me. The shock in her eyes showed me that it wasn't until I said those words that she figured out I wasn't just some new foster mom helping out the county and children in need. I was there only for Julian. She didn't even respond to me instead she just began talking to Julian...in Spanish. She was telling him how cute he was and asking him if he was ready to see mommy and daddy. I was crushed. I was mommy and my husband was daddy, not the people she was taking him to see!

She took him from my arms that day and said...okay see you in an hour! And then she left with my child. I got in the car and put my sunglasses on to hide the tears. I couldn't let myself cry because I had to be back in an hour to pick him up and there was no way this woman was going to see me cry over her words. I let a few tears fall and I then I was off to find something to keep me occupied for an hour. The entire time I was thinking about the visit and how it was going. I wondered what they were doing and how Julian was reacting to them. I couldn't think of anything else.

I was back an hour later to pick Julian up. I drove back into the parking lot at the back of the building and parked my car. I was watching the back door and every face that came out of it. None of them were Julian. Finally, out came Ana carrying Julian. He didn't look happy. As they got closer I noticed his little eyes were full of tears and his clothes had been changed.

As I reached for him I asked her how the visit went. She said, not so well. They didn't feed him because they didn't know what kind of formula he was on. So for the last 25 minutes he has been crying, probably because he is hungry. She then proceeded to tell me how the bios thought his hair was to dry and so for the next visit they were going to bring me the correct shampoo for his hair. Then she explained the new clothes he had on the bio had brought for him. They decided to change him because he had puked on his other outfit. I looked at Ana like she had lost her mind. There was a silence between us as I waited for her tell me more but that was it. She had nothing else to report back to me.

I then took a deep breath and tried to gather my thoughts. I looked her in the eyes and said...all they said was his hair is dry? They didn't ask about his physical therapy or his acid reflux? They didn't want to know if he was sleeping okay or if we were decent people...they only cared about his hair? Then in my most disgusted voice I said...is that it? Are we done? She shook her head yes and I left with little Julian.

As I strapped him in his car seat I quickly gave him a bottle which he took from me like a wild animal, As I got in the car to drive us home I was furious. The more I thought about these biological parents and their excuses, the more upset I got. I had been over the formula issue three times with Betty Rose. Giving her the exact brand and type of formula they needed to bring for Julian. I had also talked to Ana about over the phone so she could relay the information to them in Spanish and still these people don't know what formula he needs? Then instead of calling me to bring them formula they let him starve it out so they could have another 25 minutes with him screaming. Way to go MOMMY AND DADDY! So far in my eyes this was not helping your case.

I didn't care much about the outfit change other than the clothes he had on didn't come back to me. I then just requested that Ana get the clothes back for me. I was concerned about the hair issue they brought up. Not to please the bios but for Julian's sake. I didn't know how to take care of his hair. It was so different from my own. It was wild and out of control but I didn't know if that was normal or not. It did feel dry to me but again I had no idea that was wrong. In all reality I had just hoped this case would wrap up quickly and we could take our boy in for his first hair cut and that would solved the dry hair issue....instead this case wasn't going quickly. I didn't even know where the case was going at all. And then I knew I was going to have to get a lesson on hair care from the people that couldn't even manage to feed him. That wasn't going to go well......

May is Gone....

The first month of having Julian home was a whirlwind of events. I had spent the month learning about who I was as a mother and trying to figure out how to manage this little life and my own life. I was meeting someone new almost everyday from social services and I still hadn't met everyone that was important to the case. My marriage was no longer in the top 5 things of importance to me instead I ranked it more like number 8 or 9....it seemed motherhood made me lose sight of the fact that I was a wife as well. Although I was missing my friends, I hardly kept in contact with them unless they made the effort to come see me at the house with Julian. And yet no matter how tired or scared or stretched I felt I just kept moving on to the next day so I could help Julian.

By the end of May, the month we brought him home, Julian had been to three physical therapy appointments. He was still not rolling over which was Denise's (Julian's physical therapist) biggest concern but he was laying on his tummy for long periods of time. Which was a huge improvement and he was learning to sit up. I had spent many hours teaching him how to get up on his elbows to reach for toys and putting him in the sitting position so he could figure out his balance. He would lay on his back and put his feet in the air and grab at his toes which he wasn't doing in the beginning and he had gotten rid of his original favorite yoga pose, Slug Pose, and had started to reach for everything especially, Pugsley. Everyday I saw improvements in him physically. And everyday I knew it was my work with him that was helping and that is what kept us going. I was quit literally taking baby steps with Julian daily.

He was changing so quickly. His little eyes had gone from so dark and lost, to full of light and sparkle. He was becoming more silly each day. He loved peek a boo as long as he could just lay there and I put the blanket over his face and then take it off and yell...peek a boo! If he had to do anything to help the process, like take the blanket off his head himself he would cry. He loved the dogs and they were very protective of him...I even caught Pugsley a couple of times standing over Julian because he thought I wasn't close enough and he would just stand there and let Julian squeal or even gnaw on his leg. They were buddies.

Julian was also a music fan from the beginning. I first noticed it with the little fish that came with his new toy but then I found when I was trying to get him on a napping schedule that a lullaby helped sooth him...even tho I was the one singing...I am not exactly Aretha Franklin. It was just taking time for us to figure each other out. And I was on a mission to conquer this motherhood thing.

I still had some concerns about his case but the longer I was away from social services the better I felt about the case. When I didn't have to meet with anyone from the county or I the weeks I wasn't getting daily phone calls, I wasn't reminded that Julian wasn't ours. Instead I could concentrate on helping Julian become stronger and happier. Because ultimately that was my goal.

Full of Jealousy

Julian had been with us for three weeks when I got the call from my brother that he and his wife were on the way to the hospital because my sister in law was in labor. The baby wasn't due for 6 more weeks so this was very concerning to them. He didn't think we needed to be at the hospital so he said he would call us with details when he knew more.

I remember hanging up the phone and being so envious of my brother. I had spent the last 9 months wrapped up in my own life and it just gave me the opportunity to not spend to much time around him or my sister in law so I didn't have to really see she was pregnant. When I did see them on family occasions I wasn't the happy aunt waiting in anticipation and excitement for my new little niece or nephew. Instead I was quiet and cold because I was full of jealousy. I would go home and feel sorry for myself instead of feeling joy for my brother. It was selfish and I knew it but I didn't stop it.

Most sisters would be worried about their younger brothers becoming fathers because they had seen how their brothers were growing up. They would wonder how a child would make it in the care of the brother that took three times to pass a drivers test. Or the brother that still needs to be reminded every mothers day to get a gift...and then usually just chips in cash for one. Maybe it was the brother that went off to college just to figure out what the best lighting was to grow weed in his dorm room...and now he was going to be a parent? Those would be the kind of worries a most sisters would have. But not me...I didn't even think of my brother as being an actual parent. I didn't think about things he had done in his past that would make me worry about his parenting choices...I only thought of him being able to have a baby and me not being about to conceive.

I wondered why he got this chance to look into his child's eyes and see his own looking back at him. What did he do that I didn't? How come he was getting this blessing? How is it that I am looking at my son and I have fear of not being able to keep him and my brother gets to know from the beginning that his child is his?

My heart was ungrateful for what I had in my own home and instead was full of envy of my brothers situation. I didn't even take the time to worry about the baby coming early or the fear my brother may be feeling as they headed to the hospital...instead I had my own pity party. Guest count... only 1!

My niece arrived 3 days after they admitted my sister in law into the hospital. She was anxious to get into the world and make her mark. I left Julian at home with my husband one evening as I went to meet my niece for the first time. I was giving myself a pep talk the entire way. I needed to be happy about this little girl for brother no matter what thoughts were going thru my head. As I pulled into the hospital parking lot I was saying out loud....you can do this for your brother...you can do this for your brother!

As I walked up to the entrance to the hospital my brother was waiting for me outside. He was glowing. He looked like a proud daddy. And just seeing his face made every selfish thought leave my head. If he looked that happy I needed to see who this little girl was that made my brother glow. He lead me up the elevator and to the room where she was being cared for. I looked around the corner and I knew it was her as soon as I laid my eyes on her. She looked just like my brother. She had strawberry blonde hair and she even squinted her eyes like he did. It was an amazing sight. As I picked her up I started talking talking to her. She was so tiny that I called her my little Pee Wee....and at that moment it didn't matter that I didn't get to experience child birth. At that moment Pee Wee was all that mattered. I was officially an aunt!

First Time To Visitation

I read the first 150 pages of my book that night trying to figure out how to get Julian on a schedule. Every page I read I became more knowledgeable about how I needed to change things to help Julian, like feeding times and nap times. And I also became overwhelmed as to how I was going to make this work with all the things we had to do during the week.

We had more appointments than I had expected and dealing with social services along with trying to figure out how to me a mommy were two things I struggled with figuring out how to juggle. I had to manage a visit from our social worker, Belinda, once a month. Then there was the monthly visit from Betty Rose, Julian's social worker. Julian had weekly supervised visitation with his biological parents at the county building and we had a weekly physical therapy appointment. It was my husband and I that had the responsibility to get Julian to all these appointments and they could not be missed because of us. There was huge pressure on the two of us to not interfere with any appointments social services found necessary. It didn't matter if we had something scheduled or wanted to plan something on those days. If social services had an appointment set up we had to be there.

The irony to this was that nobody else involved in this case had the same expectations. The first supervised visit I took Julian to was very overwhelming. I was trying to get him on a napping schedule and as it turned out the visit was at exactly the same time his nap was suppose to be 10:00am. Our morning began at 7:00am that day which was unusual for Julian. On most days he was an early bird and up at 5:30 or 6.

He had his first bottle and then we played for a little bit with his new toys. He was doing well with reaching above his head to the toys that played music. He especially loved this little fish that played a tune when he grabbed it. I learned quickly to put him on his back for playing after a bottle to help his little tummy keep all the formula down instead of the formula ending up all over me. I had to cut play time short that day so I could get us both dressed and out the door before 9am because it took us 45mins to get to the county building. We were doing well on time but I could tell the closer it came time to leave the crankier the little man got. It was probably because he was getting sleepy or it could have been he was feeding off my nervous energy.

I was a ball of nerves. It was the first visit I had to take him to. It felt so strange to be taking him to the people that had hurt him. The only thing keeping me sane was that they hadn't shown up in the past and I was hoping they wouldn't show up today. I was wishing this case was moving faster. I was wondering things like why hadn't the police made an arrest....or when would social services have what they needed to terminate the biological parents parental rights? As I put myself together I looked in the mirror and saw my face....For the first time in awhile I had make up on it didn't hide the fear in my eyes but it did help make me feel like a woman again. I was in real clothes not my sweats and ratty tee shirt. It was just what I needed to see before I left. I felt powerful and ready to deal with this crazy schedule.

I loaded us in the car and headed to social services. We were told by Betty Rose to go to the back door. They weren't sure if the biological parents would be violent toward me or my husband so using the back door kept our identities safe just in case. When we got to the back door Ana would be there to meet us.

Ana was the one that I met the day I took Julian home. She was the one that gave me her card and talked about visits but never really told me who she was or what her role was. Although, I knew I would remember her based of that brief meeting I was worried about giving Julian to her. To me she was a stranger and any mother would have the same feelings. You don't just hand your kid off to someone and hope for the best. Usually you investigate who they are and learn everything about them before you leave your child in their care. Obviously she was a social services employee which meant she passed all back ground checks, etc. But to me she was a still a stranger and more importantly to Julian she was a stranger. Another person to hold him that he didn't know. Another person to be in his world that didn't see him as a little human but more as a case to be closed. I hated the whole idea of it. But I did as I was told and hoped the system was holding up their end for Julian's sake.


I drove to the back entrance and waited for Ana to come out. Julian was in his car seat and he was very tired. He didn't sleep in the car instead he talked to me most of the way. My mind began to wonder as we sat in the parking lot on the look out for Ana. I knew he would need a nap soon and he would need to eat but I also knew that part of this visitation thing was to see if the bio parents came prepared for anything he may need. How could I trust any of these people to watch out for him when they didn't even know him. How would they know his hungry cry vs. his change my butt cry? I mean I hardly knew him and I had been living with him for the last two weeks, 24 hours a day. As I wondered thru my thoughts and fears I was quickly snapped back to reality when Julian began to cry.

He apparently thought he had been in the car seat long enough. So I hopped out of the car took him out of the car seat and glanced at my watch. It was 10:10am....I got so excited. They were ten minutes late. Just as I thought that Ana came walking out. She seemed calmer this time. She gave us a big smile and apologized for being late. I noticed how much her demeanor had changed since our last greeting. She was softer and friendlier. She even commented on how pretty I was. I was glad to see she wasn't the Drill Sargent I met the first visit.

As she got closer my heart raced at the thought that the bios must have been there for the visit after all....and then disappointment filled my whole body. I said...are they here? She said...Nope..and she rolled her eyes. She began to explain that bio mom was suppose to come on her own today because bio dad couldn't off work. But she doesn't drive so she was suppose to take the bus. However, during her last phone call to Ana she was lost because she had taken the wrong bus.

As I listened I had bittersweet feelings. I was so thrilled that they didn't make the visit. I didn't care what the excuse was really. I was just glad they weren't going to be there. But then as I thought more about it I began to worry. If she was really trying to get there then that must mean they want to get Julian back so they will start coming to visits. As Ana was telling me of which bus bio mom was on and where she went wrong I said...so how late can they be before the visit is cancelled. Ana looked down at her watch and said...15 minutes so she has one minute left. 15 minutes I thought...that is crazy. If Julian and I were 15 minutes late we would be going against what social services asked of us. But these bios can be 15 minutes late without any recourse? Shouldn't it be the other way around...leniency for the foster families that are helping these needy parents out...not letting the parents fail by giving them a 15 min go ahead and be late time limit. Shouldn't they be required to be 15 minutes early? In the real world you can't be 15 minutes late for work without consequences. But being 15 minutes late to see your child...well that was perfectly acceptable to social services.

It was the longest minute I ever sat thru. I watched every second tick away on my watch. But finally it passed and as soon as it did Julian and I were back in the car and headed home. Me ready to scream with joy that they missed it and ready to scream at someone about the hypocrisy of the system.....and Julian back in the car seat where he fussed from being tired and hungry because his own biological parents once again failed him.

The Baby Whisperer

After meeting with Denise I knew I had to do everything I could to give Julian as much of a normal life as possible. Every week was full of some kind of social service appointment that I couldn't get us out of but when we were home I worked on routines and normalcy for Julian. I was struggling with getting him on a napping schedule. He wouldn't nap during the day and because of that he would end of screaming and cry most of the day. I remember thinking to myself one day how in the world did his biological parents not know something was wrong with this kid. His screams would pierce my ears and they were just screams from being overly tired....I couldn't imagine the sounds this child would have made with broken bones.

Unfortunately when he cried most of the day...I cried most of the day. I didn't know how to help him. I was ignorant as to what a 5 month old's schedule should be. I knew he was having issues with feeling secure so letting him "cry it out" was not the right answer but some days it was the only way I would remain sane. I would put him in his crib and close the door while he cried and screamed and then I would go downstairs and talk myself thru not losing my cool with this small child. I felt like a terrible parent listening to him cry but when I tried to hold him or rock him the tension between us just got worse. It was a very hard time for both of us.

One day when my husband came Julian had just fallen asleep at 5 pm for a nap...I looked like some sorta character from a horror movie...my eyes were swollen from crying, my hair was insane from rubbing my hands thru it and I was wearing sweat pants and old tee shirt which were covered in barf and tears from both of us. I was at the end of my rope. I didn't even say hello to my husband I just grabbed my purse and said I need to go out. He was nervous. I am not sure what scared my husband more the way I looked or the fact that I wanted to go out looking like that. He wasn't sure about our day but just from looking at me he could tell it was a rough one. As I walked out the door he asked if I was okay and I just sharply replied...NO! And left.

My first stop was the book store. I had to find a book on how to be a better mother. There had to be some sort of education out there to help Julian and I get along better. I was tired he was tired...and I knew we couldn't' keep fighting one another. And so I got in the car and headed to find a book. I got to the book store and I found my way to the Parenting Isle...I was looking for something like Parenting for Dummies or 5 Easy Steps to be the Perfect Mother but I found nothing like that. I was surprised that there were so few books on parenting. There was only one bookshelf and most of the books were on pregnancy.

As I looked at the book shelf I thought to myself the answer has to be here. I threw my purse on the floor and sat cross legged in the middle of the isle. I didn't care who was around me or what they thought...I was on a mission to find answers. I needed to see a schedule for a 5 month old...and I needed to see what it should be like as he got older. I needed to know when he got teeth and when I should feed him baby food....I had a list of what he should be doing physically at 5 months old but I needed to know about expectations for 6 months old. And so I sat there and dug thru every book. I must have looked thru 50 books and then I picked up the book that saved my life....The Baby Whisperer!

The minute I opened the book it showed a babies feeding, napping and playing schedule. I knew that was the one...as I read more I saw it even told me about getting the child to take naps and it gave ideas of how to get them to sleep and sooth themselves....I was so overwhelmed with the knowledge that I began to cry. I dug thru my purse and took out a cloth diaper I used when Julian would throw up...I wiped my tears and then laughed out loud as I thought...how did I get here..I am wiping my eyes with Julian's barf rag as I sit in the middle of book store in my sweats....I knew it was exhaustion that caused the tears but it was also excitement at the idea that Julian would finally TAKE A NAP!

Another Injury Lesson

Denise set Julian's file on the floor. She opened it up and began reading it to us. She explained that that Julian's Left Tibia (his lower left leg) and Right Femur (his right thigh bone) both had bucket handle fractures. She must have been able to tell that neither my husband or I knew what a bucket handle fracture was and so she explained further. She said...bucket handle fractures are most frequently seen in child abuse cases. They usually come from jerking or shaking a child's limbs. I was listening to her words as I was looking down at Julian in my arms and I couldn't believe someone would do this to him. My eyes were tearing up and so I took a deep breath and looked back toward Denise for more information.

His right distal radius (his right forearm close to thumb) was also broken and had been broken for at least two weeks before being brought into the emergency room. She told us that this wrist fracture was very common in teens and older people who had fallen but for a child Julian's age it usually again pointed toward child abuse. At that point I held Julian just a little tighter in my arms and I glanced over at my husband. His cheeks had become red and I could tell he was angry. So I grabbed his hand. When he felt my touch he looked into my eyes and said....who does this to a child? Denise interrupted us and said...unfortunately I see this to often. I looked toward the mat and shook my head. I was going thru so many scenarios in my head about what Julian had to live thru. Was he just laying there and crying to much so they hit him or swung him around by his legs? Was he even crying? Was it his own father that did this or his mother? Could it have been the babysitter? I was snapped out of my own thoughts when I heard Denise speaking again.

She said...well luckily this little guy has you two to care for him and with the system doing their job and you and I doing our jobs hopefully we can change his future. I smiled at the thought of her hope. Together we were changing his future. I loved that she saw us together in the future. She didn't see Julian being reunited with his biological family in the future she saw us in the future. She thought of us as his parents...and from that point on I knew I could trust her.

After we talked about Julian's medical history we jumped right into ways to help he develop physically. We watched and learned from Denise that day on ways to move Julian's little body so he would learn he could do it on his own. An hour had passed quickly and we had come to the end of our session. She said...before you leave I want to give you a list of tools you need to get to help him. I said..tools? I was picturing my grandfathers garage full of screw drivers and hammers...nothing I envisioned would be of help to Julian. She giggled and said....he needs some toys. Get one of those mats that he can lay on the floor with that has toys he can reach for. He needs something that will be helpful both on his tummy and his back. She said...get things with music or that make noise that catch his attention. She said we have a lot of work to do and toys are the answer.

And so with our shopping list of toys we left physical therapy that day and went directly to the toy store. We were willing to do what ever it took to get Julian where he needed to be.

First Day of Physical Therapy

God stepped into my heart that day and I began to see Julian different. As I stood up from the alter and began to walk back to my seat I saw him looking for me as he sat in daddy's lap. He was stretching his neck trying to see above the adults in front of him and as I made eye contact with him he smiled his big smile and reached for me....I melted. It was the first time he reached for me instead of me reaching for him. When I picked him up I gave him a huge hug and as I pulled him back to look into his eyes...he threw up all over me. There I stood in my Sunday's best ready to share my mommy moment with my son and I was covered in puke....but I didn't care...for the first time since we brought him home I didn't care that he threw up on me.

We took Julian to his first physical therapy appointment that same week I had cried with God. I was still feeling overwhelmed as a new mother but my heart was back to feeling like Julian's mother. I was anxious to hear what needed to happen to help Julian with his movements. He was still not trying to move on his own other than to reach for my husband or I and he would also hold a bottle. My bigger concerns were I was given a list of things he should be doing at 5 months old and other than holding a bottle he wasn't doing any of them. At night when I put him to bed he would stay sleeping in the same position, he didn't move around the crib or even roll over he would be in the exact same position I left him in. When we would lay him on his back he would just lay there like a slug without even trying to move. When he was on his tummy he would scream with his face in floor because he didn't even try and lift his own head. So we needed some pointers on how to help him.

When we got to the physical therapist office we were expecting to meet the same woman that did Julian's initial evaluation but instead we were introduced to Denise. She was a young woman with inviting brown eyes and dark brown hair. She was very friendly as she introduced herself to my husband and I. Once the introduction were over she jumped at the chance to meet our cute little Julian. As he laid in the baby carrier she began to talk to him...he gave her no response. She then made funny faces at him and he still just looked at her with his serious dark brown eyes and serious face. He barely made eye contact with her when she was down on the floor with him and if he did accidental make eye contact he then would immediately looked to me for reassurance. She caught on to him quickly and instead ignoring his signals the way Betty Rose did she gave him some space. She escorted us back to the same area we went to for Julian's evaluation just a few weeks prior.

As the three of us walked into the large therapy room I was overwhelmed by the amount of children that were there. The room was full of children and there therapists. There were some children that were laughing and having fun with there therapist and others that were crying or yelling because they didn't like therapy. As I watched the others in the room Denise caught my eye....she smiled her comforting smile and said...we are going to be over there in that corner next to the large mirrors. We made our way over to the corner and I let out a big breath in hopes that the butterflies in my stomach would fly out my mouth.

When we reached the corner of the room Denise said... right here will be just fine..and she pointed to a large blue mat on the floor. It was the kind of mat you would see at a wrestling match and reminded me of a middle school gymnasium. She took her shoes off and sat down thats when I noticed she had Julian's file in her hand. My husband and I took spots on the floor next to her and we began to get Julian out of his carrier for Denise to begin therapy with him. But her first order of business was not to show us how to manipulate his muscles or how to teach him to roll over...instead the first thing she wanted to do was discuss Julian's injuries based on the medical reports she had received and more importantly explaining those injuries to my husband and I.

Feeling Weak and Chaotic

After meeting with Betty Rose I found myself questioning everything. Had we made the right decision taking Julian? Was it to early in the case for us to ask Betty Rose questions and expect answers? Why would she make the statement about reuniting the family if she didn't mean to place fear in our hearts? I was constantly reliving the visit and wondering how I could have changed the outcome so I felt more comfortable about what had been said and done that day.

I was so bothered by her visit I even began to question everything I did as a mother. I was trying to prove to Betty Rose and the system that I was the BETTER parent compared to his biological mother. I was trying to prove to Julian that he didn't have to worry any more because I was there to make his future brighter. I had put an amazing pressure on myself to be this perfect mother. But really my life was not what I pictured it to be when I became a mother. I found myself very depressed about who I was and the situation I was in. I had always pictured myself as a strong woman...but with motherhood I felt weak and chaotic. I couldn't tell if the feelings of chaos came from Julian not being mine officially or if I just wasn't equipped to be a mother. Either way I was quickly feeling out of control.

I would reminisce about the day I found out I was losing my job and I would remember feeling so relieved to be able to stay home when we got our baby. But now that I was home with Julian I missed working. I was no longer a woman with a career instead I now had the title of Julian's mommy and even that title didn't really fit. Every time I heard someone say with excitement that I was a mommy I would smile and agree with them but then I would say to myself, well not really he isn't mine. And those words were never there before meeting Betty Rose.

I missed conversations with Rebecca, Tina and Jackson. Actually I missed being in any adult conversations. My only adult interaction was in the evenings when my husband came home and most times I cried usually using some excuse about needing a shower or how I couldn't get Julian to sleep...but the truth was I was lonely and afraid of my own future. If I wasn't crying when my husband came home...I would fight with him...I resented him for being able to go to work everyday while I had to stay home to be puked on by a child I wasn't sure was really going to be mine.

I was struggling with attaching to Julian because I kept hearing Betty Rose in my head telling me she was trying to Reunite the Family. I was the Queen of putting up walls to keep others out so that I didn't get hurt...and now here I was doing it to a small child because I didn't want my heart to break if he were taken from me. I didn't even consider what my wall was doing to him. And because of Betty Rose's words I no longer thought of myself as Julian's Mommy....instead I thought of myself as a baby sitter. And if I was just a baby sitter I wasn't happy with the arrangement I was in. I knew I had to do something to prove to myself that I was Julian's mommy I just had no idea what to do! And so I turned to God...

I found myself at the alter one Sunday crying....I didn't talk to God that day I just cried with him. I didn't even know what to say or what to ask God for. I just knew something needed to change in my heart and so I cried and with each tear I cried I felt a little less fear and a little more hope for change in my heart....I knew God was there that day and I knew he would figure out how to help.

The Baby Fix

The conversation didn't get any better when I came back downstairs with Julian in my arms. My husband's face told me that she wasn't making a great impression on him either. As I walked toward my husband, to hand him Julian, I was stopped by Betty Rose. She had jumped up from her seated position and she was standing directly in front of me now. She had lost her fake smile and had taken on a different personality....this personality was one that made me extremely uncomfortable...her ultimate goal was to hold Julian and so without asking she just took him as I started to hand him off to his father. Her eyes lit up like a child looking at Christmas Tree for the first time and she began to talk to him in a high pitched voice. She kept saying weird things like...how is my little buddy or did you miss me since we saw each other last???


As she talked I began to fidget...as I was reading Julian's body language she kept talking and forgot my husband and I were even in the room. Julian was telling her he wanted me to hold him because he kept looking my way and squirming away from her. When she would do something extra crazy like begin to kiss him all over his face... he would turn very stiff and look away. I felt violated for him. I couldn't believe she was acting this way. It was so strange. This woman worked for the same institution that spent an entire training class teaching my husband and I all red flags to look for when a child was uncomfortable with a stranger or even with their own family. Yet she wasn't reading one of Julian's signs. It took everything in me to not jump up and take him from her....finally I spoke in order to not have to hear her high pitched voice speak to him any longer...I said...Betty Rose how long have you been a social worker?



She told me her career paths from college and then into social work. Different states she lived in and had worked for and how she ended up where she was. To be honest I couldn't tell you today where she worked or for how long because I really wasn't interested in her as a person. I was more interested in getting her to let go of my child and to stop talking to him like Beaker from the Muppets. Finally, when she was done giving us her verbal resume she stood up handed Julian to my husband and said...so do you guys have anymore questions?? Now that I have seen him and gotten my baby fix I should get going because I have another appointment that I need to get to.

As I glanced at my watched I noticed she had been there for 30 minutes. I was shocked that she was leaving so soon yet at the same time I was ready for her to go. She hadn't answered one question today nor had she asked me anything about Julian's behaviors or how he was doing. It seemed she just need to get her "BABY FIX" and move on. And so in hopes of getting her to leave our home I said...Nope no more questions! And with those words Betty Rose left our home for the first time.

After the visit that day I cried. I was so upset about who she was and how she treated me and my husband....and I was gravely concerned about how she didn't care about Julian's well being. If I had him for a week and she asked me nothing about him how was she relaying information to the judge about his case? As I cried I told my husband I was worried because I didn't get the feeling she was seeing Julian with us long term. I was worried we made the wrong decision and as he held my hand and he said words I knew meant he had the same concerns I did..he said...you know we don't have to do this. We can give him back before we get into this any further. Its our right to not have to do this. And if your heart is telling you this isn't the right case then maybe we should consider this.

I ran the scenario quickly thru my head. Taking him back to social services...them finding him another home...and then I cried harder...the tears fell and I talked...I said..I can't be another adult in his life abandons him. I know we have only had him a week but I know in my heart he is ours and I can't give him back to anyone...not social services, not his biological parents...I just have to fight for him...we just have to fight for him!

And with that my husband agreed and he held me as I cried...but in his heart the concern was real. He was worrying about me and my mental state thru this...he was worrying about protecting Julian from a system we didn't know how to fight....and he too was visualizing an outcome not in our favor because Betty Rose had said she was going to Reunite the Family....and she obviously was not looking out for the best interest of Julian but more just trying to get a baby fix.

Bad First Impression

Betty Rose came to our home a week after we had brought our little Julian home. When I answered the door she was nothing like I thought she would be. The first thing I noticed about her was she didn't have the warm smile and eyes that Leyla and Belinda had. Instead she just gave me a quick grin as I invited her into our home. She was an average size woman with shoulder length blonde hair and light eyes. Her hair was permed and reminded me of how I wore my hair in the late 1980's when I had big bangs. She didn't wear any make up and her clothes were simple. She was in jeans and a peach colored sweater and her socks matched her sweater. I smiled to myself as I remembered fondly a time in my youth where the socks always matched the shirts and I had a tight rolled jean pant leg. I began to wonder what kept someone stuck in an era like the 80's as I watched her look around our home.

She did not seem to care about our home as much as she was looking for Julian who was taking a nap. To be honest she wasn't interested in us much but was merely stuck with us because Julian was sleeping. I invited her to sit down and told her we had been anxious to meet her. She gave me the same fake smile I received at the door and then asked...So where is the baby...I love holding babies so I couldn't wait to get over here to hold him! I was a little taken back by her words for many reasons. The biggest being that this was the first time she had met us and the only concern she had was wanting to hold Julian?? She wasn't concern how he was adjusting to staying with us or how we were doing with the huge adjustment of parenthood...instead she just wanted to hold him because he was a baby?? Already she wasn't making a great first impression with me. And judging from the look on my husbands face he was sharing my concerns.

As I gathered my thoughts I simply said to her... well he is sleeping its nap time right now...so he should be up in a little bit. She seemed to be a bit put off by answer but I wasn't sure what she wanted me to do? I wasn't about to wake up a sleeping baby just so she could hold him. Especially, because I didn't really want her holding him as we were still trying to get him to bond with us but I knew I wasn't going to be able to stop her once he woke up.

As we all took a seat in our living room I started to tell her we had lots of questions about the case and told her we even wrote them down so we wouldn't forget. I was nervous while talking to her...I could feel my face begin to get red and my voice even quivered a bit. She didn't have an intimidating persona that made me nervous...but I knew what kind of power she had with the case and I wanted her on our side. She then said...well you can ask me your questions but I am not sure I will have answers for you or I may have answers and just can't tell you what I know.

Without thinking I snapped at her...why wouldn't you be able to tell us what you know? She said...well because this case has an ongoing criminal investigation and so I might not be able to give you details of the case because of the investigation. I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. Nobody that we had come in contact with either in classes or people that were personally involved with Julian's case had hid information from us. In fact it was quit opposite. We had gone thru his entire case file...piece by piece. We had seen medical records and court reports, we even saw pictures of his biological parents. Now this woman was telling me I might not be able to get ALL the FACTS about MY SON because of an ongoing criminal investigation?

It was then that I thought to myself thank God I didn't meet her first...I would have never taken this case just based on her personality. I hoped I would be able to find some common ground with her so she would see I already thought of myself as Julian's mother and I was going to fight for him just as I would expect her to fight for him. But so far in our first meeting I saw no common ground.

As I asked our questions she talked to us but never gave an answer on any of them. She spoke in circles and usually ended up telling us about another case she had and usually never answering the original questions we had. When I asked about Julian's biological parents she told me they were young and that they were illegal immigrants. She explained that they didn't speak English and she had only seen them interact with Julian once. During that supervised visitation they over stimulated Julian until he ended up crying. She said they needed a lot of work before they got him back.

My heart jumped at her comment...BEFORE THEY GOT HIM BACK??? What was she talking about...they weren't going to get him back were they? I said...is that how you see this case going...them getting him back? She said...its to early to tell. But I want you to know that my job is to REUNITE THE FAMILY....so I have to believe they can be rehabilitated.

With those words Julian's little voice came over the baby monitor...it was like I was saved by the bell. I excused myself to go get him and I left Betty Rose sitting with my husband. As I changed Julian's diaper before taking him down to see Betty Rose I heard her words again and again in my head....my job is to reunite the family! It was then I questioned what we had gotten into...did we do the right thing taking this case without meeting her first??? As my little man looked into my eyes and gave me his big toothless smile I thought...no way would they send him back to those parents....and I picked him up off the changing table and we headed down stairs for more conversation with Betty Rose.

So Many People To Meet

In the beginning the amount of people I met was unsettling. There were so many people involved in our lives in a short period of time. I felt like I was being introduced to a new person daily and that their job was to watch me or my husband with this child. I felt like we had to answer to many supervisors, and it made me uncomfortable because I didn't know who all these people were and what they did. In our training classes they had only talked about the child having a social worker and a guardian ad litem (the child lawyer). They never said that my husband and I would have our own social worker as well and then there was the lady I met the day I brought Julian home. The one that had thrown her card at me but didn't tell me her title or what she would be doing, I really had no idea where she fit in. I was in a state of confusion about how all these people were involved and how the chain of command went in this process but I just kept taking cards and hoped it would all come together soon.

My husband and I had met our social worker, Belinda, right after we were approved by social services to adopt. She was the first one to come to our home for a safety inspection. I liked her immediately. She seemed to have our best interest at heart from the first time we met her. She was very strait forward with everything she knew about the system and what the plans were for us....and had a very calming presence about her. One of the first things she shared with us was her story of adopting one of her children thru a local county. She explained to us that the process could be very long and hard but then she reassured us by saying she couldn't see how any judge would send Julian back to his biological family when he had sustained these injuries and there was still no known cause to explain them. I trusted her immediately. Her eyes were full of truth and her words were not hiding anything. She was a mother and a mother that had been down the road I was going. She spent about an hour just getting to know us as a couple. At the time we hadn't been given Julian's case to look at yet but she was preparing us that day for anything that may come up.

After getting to know us she completed the safety inspection required by the county. She looked in every room of our home to insure we met the requirements. Julian had to have his own room, she had to look at the crib to make sure it was safe, we had to have plastic plugs in the outlets in every room. She looked to make sure all chemicals were locked under sinks with baby locks and in the laundry room we were required to put a cabinet above the washer and dryer to hold any laundry soap and bleach. We had to have a fenced in back yard and a fire route in case of an emergency. These were all things any parent should think of but in all reality most parents don't because they aren't required to pass any test to prove themselves worthy of parenthood. However, we were required to prove ourselves so at the time she could have told us that our house was the wrong color for parenthood and we would have repainted it just to insure we got to bring a baby home.

When Belinda left that day she had been in our home for two hours. She told us the next time she would see us was when agreed to bring a child home and she would come out and check on us but that if we had any questions or concerns we could call her any time and she would help us out.

After meeting Belinda I couldn't wait to meet Julian's social worker. I knew her name was Betty Rose but I still hadn't seen her face. She had been on vacation the week we met Julian and she was still out the first week we brought him home so it wasn't until we had him a full week that we met her. I scheduled her first visit for a day I knew my husband was off of work so he could meet her as well. She had been on the case since Julian was taken from his biological parents which made us anxious to meet her because we wanted any information we could get about the case from her. We had written down lots of questions about the case and Julian's biological parents....we wanted to talk about who they were as people and how previous visits had gone.....we wanted information about court dates and what happens at them....we wanted to know exactly what we were up against and how she saw this case going. Her opinion was the one that mattered most in this case because she was the one talking to the judge about what was happening in Julian's world...and since we were now the biggest part of Julian's world we wanted her to see how much we loved him.

When she arrived at the house that day our opinions about this case were changed forever. And for the first time since we found out about Julian we questioned if we made the right decision by taking him home.

The Shirts Came Off

When my husband got home that first night it finally felt real. It was finally the way I had envisioned it to be. Just the three of us against the world....As I watched my husband give Julian a bottle I saw them trying to get to know one another. My husband was figuring out how to hold him and the bottle and Julian was trying to figure out who the new guy was. It was my husband that got Julian to smile first. We were all sitting on the couch and my husband was talking to him and after a few silly noises the smiling began. Julian knew at that moment he had a partner in crime in his new daddy. As the three of us sat on the couch together my heart felt full. I finally had the family I had been dreaming of for the last three years. Our baby was finally home.

The first night of sleep didn't go so well for little Julian. A new environment yet again to get use to. He and I were up most of the night in the rocking chair. I would rock and he would cry and fidget. It was like he just couldn't find it in his heart to feel safe and settled. The more he cried the more anxious I became. I wanted to be the perfect mother for him because he had been thru so much. But I didn't know how to make him happy or how to let him know it was okay to be with us. And so I just rocked...and he cried...then I cried....and we rocked some more until daylight came!

The first week Julian came home is a bit of a blur for me because there were so many visits from family and friends....and we had tons of appointments to make to keep social services happy....I had social workers coming to our home for inspections and he had to be seen by a doctor within 24 hours of being in our home...he had physical therapy...and those were all appointments during the day...then in the evening it was visits from family and friends that wanted to meet him. For Julian and I it was chaos! By the end of the week I was being to feel like I didn't have time to be a mom instead I was just shuffling him around for appointments and showing him off to the world...but I wasn't really bonding with him.

I was talking to one of the ladies at Church that Sunday who had been a foster parent and she had also adopted children and she was giving me pointers about how to get Julian to bond with us. First she said...Don't let anyone hold him for the first 3 months....well except for Grandma and Grandpa because I know they will never be able to wait that long. But she said...He needs to know you and your husband as Mommy and Daddy and passing him around confuses him. I knew this was going to be a hard rule to keep because women love to hold babies and sometimes they don't even ask if they can hold your baby they just go to pick them up because its instinctual for women to nurture. But if it would help us bond then I would not let anyone hold him. Then she said....when your feeding him his bottles make sure he is feeling your skin against his. She said...Get Naked! I know my jaw dropped when she said this cuz I thought...Uhhh get naked when I feed my kid?? The visual wasn't good for me how was it going to be good for Julian?

She laughed when she saw my expression and then she explained...she said...babies bond most with their mothers when they are breast feeding. Babies know their mothers scent within hours of life because of their mothers breast milk...since you can't breast feed him the idea is when your giving him a bottle you need to mimic breast feeding. It is really important for bonding because it is when he will start to make eye contact with you, which is the first sign of trust. It is also when he will feel safest with you...and she said it will let him know your mommy.

Everything she said made sense and more than anything I wanted him to know I was Mommy and so from that moment on there were only 4 people that were allowed to hold Julian (mommy, daddy, grandma and grandpa) for the first three months. When it came time for my husband or I to feed Julian the shirts came off! This was WAY easier for my husband than for me and it is still not my favorite visual of myself but it worked. Within days Julian's eyes changed he had his sparkle and he was smiling and giggling all the time. He was also making and keeping consistent eye contact with us and the best part of us all bonding...Julian and I started to sleep thru the night!

Julian Tells Me A Story

Getting Julian home that day was so overwhelming. I was exhausted from the flight and all the chaos that came with picking him up. I was full of emotions as any new mother would be. Love for my new child, fear of what kind of mother I would be, lost because I had no idea what I was doing! But more than anything I longed for my husband to be there in that moment. To be a part of the chaos that took place when I picked him up...to be there as I brought him into our home for the first time...this was not the picture perfect home coming I had hoped for.

When we walked thru my front door that day I noticed my dinning room was full of baby clothes and toys. My mom and my now step-father (not the evil step-father) had went shopping for Julian while I was out of town. There were more clothes for him then my mom and I had in both of our closets. There were cute little outfits for church...pjs...shorts...onsies...even a little pair of sandals and tennis shoes. He was set for the next few months in the clothing department! I was very grateful. It was the perfect gift for our little man.

I sat at the table with my baby in my arms and I started to talk to him. It was then that he made eye contact with me for the first time. I was welcoming him home and telling him about how long we waited for him. My mom was standing behind me and Julian's eyes would go from mine to hers and then back to mine when I would talk. There was a moment of silence with all three of us where we all just sat and took the moment in....and then with a huge sigh...Julian began to talk. It was the most amazing little voice I ever heard. His little voice was telling me a story. It sounded like a sad story....he kept looking at his hands when he would talk like a scared child would while tell a story. His words were not recognizable but his tones would change from sad to more sad depending on what he was trying to say...he babbled for at least 5 minutes until he got his whole little story out. It was one of my favorite Julian moments ever! It was like he needed my mom and I to hear him...he needed to tell us what he had been thru and he finally felt safe enough to tell someone.

When he was done with his story my mom and I laughed...it was a moment in time that three of us would always share. And I think it was the first time Julian tried let us in just a little bit because his little eyes seemed different. They didn't seem as dark. He was still hiding in that little body of his but he seemed just a little more free now that we heard him. I gave him a bottle after that and I watched him drink down every ounce. I was trying to remember every inch of him and I couldn't stop looking at him. I was having a hard time keeping my emotions under control...I wanted to tell the world how happy I was to be a mother and cry at the same time about how I ended up with this child. I wanted to hurt the people that had hurt him....and I wanted him to know I was going to take care of him now...and that his little mind didn't need to worry anymore.

Chaos

My mom was there waiting at the passenger pick up area and I jumped in the car and we were off. I was trying to tell her about my trip and everyone I saw and what I did but the truth was neither of us really cared it was just something to keep us occupied for the next half hour drive to get Julian. So I continued to ramble and she continued to act interested it.

As we pulled into the parking lot I said...Oh crap a car seat! She said....Don't worry your husband gave me yours so we would have one! Thank God I thought...so far I was doing FANTASTIC at this motherhood thing! I forgot the number one thing in safety...I didn't even think about the damn car seat!

We pulled into a parking space and before I could get out of the car Julian was being rushed over to me by his foster mother. He was bundled in the same outfit they had taken him to the hospital in two months earlier. It was a little bunny sleeper with a hood....it was made out of think cotton material that reminded me of cotton balls. It felt itchy on my skin when I took him. His little body was so tight in the sleeper that he couldn't move his little legs and it barely zipped up to keep him warm. As she handed me my son she said..sorry I didn't have any other clothes I wanted to give you for him so I just put him in what he was brought to me in. She then handed me a bag of items that were his...a blanket that his parents left for him and some of his formula. I knew he was uncomfortable in that outfit but once again I found myself lost in his little face.

Before I could say anything my mom was standing next to us with tears in her eyes. My mom met him in that parking lot that day. I remember the look in her eyes. I know she had been wondering if she would be able to look at him and see family right away or if it would take some time before it felt real to her....but as I watched her talk to him and introduce herself I saw in her eyes she was Grandma instantly. She fell for him just like my husband and I had.

Before she or I could take in the moment we were being rushed to go inside and take care of paper work. And so we were off to sign in one more time and to go wait in the Spring Time Waiting Area for Leyla. The waiting area was pure chaos that day....there tons of people there for visits and social workers were running around like crazy. I had never seen it so unorganized in all the times I had been there. As I held Julian we both took a chair next to two African American women and my mom sat next to us. I was immediately taken back by the woman directly next to me because she was apparently offended that I had Julian in my arms. It would be the first time I was verbally abused over me being white and him being black. She said...who does this white girl think she is with that black baby? I was in awe that this was an issue for these women. Who did I think I was??? It was then that I made eye contact with them. And it was then that they realized I wasn't going to intimidated but some ignorant comments. Obviously they were there to see some loved one that was involved in the system and really had no business judging my situation. Which was what I wanted to yell at them. I wanted to say...I AM HIS MOTHER NOW...his protector....the one that loves him unconditionally and I barely know him....Oh yeah and I am the one that didn't break his arm and both his legs...that was his BLACK parents! But instead I just gave them the Mama Bear Look...and that seemed to be enough.

Within moments I was distracted by their comments because a social worker I hadn't met before came up to me and said...are you the one taking him home? She scared me a little by first impression. She was a small women with a Hispanic accent. She smelled like cigarettes and it was obvious life had taken its toll on her. She had tired eyes...I could only imagine from dealing with this system and all that dealing with this system entails. But she also seemed frazzled she was out of breath like she had been running and she was trying to make it known in her tone that she was in charge when it came to her relationship with me. I said yes that's me...the one taking him home! She then started rambling on about visits with Julian's biological parents and when they took place and how she was going to be the translator for the biological parents from here on out. She wanted my phone number...and she was writing it down so I had to announce in the middle of this chaotic room full of people. Aside from being uncomfortable about yelling my phone number in front of this room full of strangers I wasn't even sure who she was. She hadn't mentioned her name or her position and before she left she told me visits would happen once a week I had to be there EVERY visit and she handed me her card and left.

As I looked at her card I saw that her name was Ana. It was then I thought to myself....I am not sure I am going to like her. Soon after she left, Leyla was in the room. She immediately just began talking to me. She was telling me a lot of the same things Ana had just rambled off to me. It was then that the Foster Mother that had been taking care of Julian said to Leyla...Uh can we go somewhere a little more private! Leyla too seemed unorganized that day...and she said...oh yes of coarse lets go back here! As I stood up to leave with my baby in hand I looked over at the women that had made the comments about earlier and I said...you ladies have a great day! The looks on their faces were priceless....they weren't expecting anything from me much less kindness....and the shock alone was enough for me. But then as they tried to find their words to tell me to have a good day too....that made may day! It was the first time I had set a good example for my child.

We followed Leyla back to one of the conference rooms we had done many of trainings in. By this time my mom had taken Julian in her arms and I was trying to focus on all the details that were being thrown my way. Leyla told me that day that the parents had called in and wanted to see Julian. They had not been coming these past two months to their weekly visitation because they were unaware of when visits were due to the language barrier. So Ana would be serving as an interpreter during supervised visitation. Leyla was giving me the story but she was following it with....I don't want you start worrying about this. She said.... we think they are just using this as excuse and who knows if they will even show. Plus with the severity of Julian's injuries and without knowing how the injuries were caused this case still looks good for you and your husband.

I trusted her. I believed she had seen many cases and I believed her when she said don't worry...just let this play out. She then gave me two pieces of paper to sign saying I had Julian in my custody and I wouldn't let anything happen to him. And before I knew it me, my mom and my son were in the car on our way back home. I knew everything about these stupid visits with the parents that had either hurt him or allowed him to be hurt....but I didn't know Julian's sleeping schedule...if had eaten that day...if he liked music to fall or asleep....or if he had a favorite toy. I left knowing nothing about Julian himself. It was then I saw for the first time....nobody was really worried about Julian in this mess...they were only worried about closing his case!

Unfreaking Believable

The morning had finally arrived and you would have thought I would have been up bright and early but instead we were running late to get me to the airport. So late that I didn't even get a chance to shower...instead I was out of bed and in the car within 15 minutes. I couldn't believe I woke up late. The airport is only a few minutes from my girlfriends home so we were there in time for me to check in and make it to the plane. I hugged her good bye and she wished me luck on my first day of motherhood.

I got thru security at the airport and I took a seat in the waiting area. Just as I sat down I heard....Ladies and Gentlemen this flight has been delayed by one hour! DELAYED I thought...this plane can't be delayed...I am having a baby today! Unfreaking Believable! So what do I always do in crisis mode...I went and found something to eat! I never eat before flights because I am a puker....yep a puker. I get sick on boats, planes, back seats of cars, playing video games, and as my husband would tell you even walking to fast (he is joking of coarse, well maybe)...the point is I get sick. But at that moment my thoughts were to make myself better I wasn't worried about being sick on the plane. And so with a cinnamon roll the size of Texas and coffee in hand I sat back in the waiting area to have a little chat with God.

As I ate that humongous cinnamon roll I said to God what I had already said in my head....I asked why every step to having a child had to be so difficult. I mean I had been thru so much couldn't today have just gone smoothly....didn't I deserve that. First my husband wasn't going to be there then I was late getting up and now a FREAKING DELAY! What did I do God to deserve all this drama? With each word I ate and with each bite I wasn't satisfied. I blamed God for this too!

Finally, the hour had passed and we were starting to board the plane and finally I was on my way home to pick up Julian. The flight was a quick one because I fell asleep. I woke up to the pilot welcoming us home....I threw a piece of gum in my mouth to cover the sleeping on the plane breath, wiped my eyes of all crusties that were there either from my nap or the night before I wasn't sure. I remember thinking to myself is this really how my first day of motherhood is going go? When the plane pulled into the gate I called my mom and told her I would meet her in 10 minutes at the passenger pick up area. She was on her way and it seemed like we would get to the county building just in time, even with my flight being delayed.

As we filed off the plane I practically ran off. I was in such a hurry that I almost forgot my purse neatly sitting under the seat in front of me as instructed my the flight attendants during our safety demonstration. I had to ask four people behind me to get my purse for me and pass it up thru the crowd. As soon as I had it swung over my shoulder I ran off the plane. I couldn't wait any longer....I was ready to go get my son!