God's Child

After Betty Rose's visit I was full of joy and hope. When my husband came home we laughed together for the first time in months. The three of us sat together as a family at the dinner table. Julian was getting two more teeth and we were experimenting with new foods. That night we found out he loved oranges. He would make this amazing little sound when he liked something. His eyes would light up and he would go, "Mmmmm." Over and over again with each bite. We would always know when we hit the jack pot because that was the winning sound! As my husband and I watched and giggled with Julian that night, we once again began to dream that soon this whole mess would be over and Julian would legally become our baby. We would start our family and everything we had been through would all be worth it because he would finally be ours.

In church that same weekend I sat and listened to yet another sermon that touched my soul. Our Pastor talked about Joseph, Jesus Father. And he spoke of Joseph's strength as a man of flesh to be able to believe that Mary had not been unfaithful to him but indeed was carrying God's son. He talked about how he imaged Joseph must have endured the judgement of the society he lived in and yet he still loved Mary and took Jesus to be his own son. He went on to say how Joseph's Faith in God kept him going forward when all others must have been saying things Joseph didn't want to hear about his own family. And yet he still loved Jesus and was willing to raise him as his own flesh and blood.

As I listened to the story of Joseph as a father to Jesus my heart opened up. Julian was sitting in my lap playing with some toys and I was hearing the sermon about a father and son but as I imagined the faces in the story I only saw mine and Julian's. God had sent me Julian to love as my own. He trusted me with this child. His child. And I was to move past the judgement of the biological parents, social workers and even society and be Julian's mother. I heard God that day louder than any other day about Julian and I promised him I would be the best mother I could to our son! As I spoke to God I told him I wasn't sure of his plan but that I knew I was chosen carefully for Julian. The more I talked the more tears fell.

I was asking God to help me keep Julian. To trust me with his life forever. The thing was I wasn't sure if God was listening. After all we had been through in the last three months and all the prayers I had prayed I was beginning to lose faith. I wanted to tell God I had the faith of Joseph did but I couldn't lie and more than that I didn't want to be Joseph because in the end Joseph lost Jesus. I wanted to be me...the me that got to keep Julian. And so even though I wasn't sure he was listening that day I knew I had to just kept asking!