Shouldn't I Be Nesting...

As my husband and I loaded all the clothes, diapers and baby necessities out of the car we couldn't stop talking about how our lives would change in the next week. We couldn't wait to introduce him to everyone in our world. My husband was already a proud father announcing to everyone he was having a boy. I too was on top of the world. I had visions of our future as parents for so long and it was finally all coming together. I couldn't wait to bring Julian home.

After everything was unloaded and put into its proper place in the nursery we began calling our families to tell them. The first on the list was my mom. I think out everyone in our world she was just as excited as we were. When I called her my voice began to shake. It was the first time I was going to say the words out loud to someone. She answered on the first ring...I know she was sitting by the phone waiting for an update. When she picked up the phone she didn't even say hello...she just said...WELL HOW DID IT GO? I giggled and announced to her that she was going to be a grandmother for the first time on Monday! She was thrilled...and she couldn't wait to meet him. I gave her every detail about Julian that I soaked in. I told her about his hurting eyes and crazy hair and then I gave her all the information that physical therapist had given us. It didn't matter to her what I said either...when I told her she was going to be a grandma she knew if we felt this was the right case for us then she would love him just as we did.

When I got off the phone with my mom ...I just kept dialing everyone that I knew would want to know. Rebecca and Tina were at the top of the list and both of squealed in the phone like they had just found out they were bringing him home. As my husband and I each made our phone calls to make the announcement of Julian coming home our excitement grew with every call. There were tons of tears and laughter but the thing we felt the most that day was love and support by our family and friends.

I had to leave that Friday to go see my girlfriend back in my home town. Before I got on the plane I questioned if I was doing the right thing leaving. Shouldn't I be home nesting...preparing for his arrival...doing something motherly? I couldn't think of what I could actually do that was motherly that would make his home coming any better so I got on my plane and headed out of town. I spent the weekend surrounded by friends I hadn't seen in years and some I didn't know I would ever see again. It was an amazing weekend...full of too many beers and not enough sleep! It was just what any knew mother would do...RIGHT? I told everyone I saw that weekend about Julian. I showed them pictures of him that I had taken at his physical therapy evaluation and my on going joke was that he got his beautiful brown eyes from my side of the family.

One night when I was calling home to check in with my husband he told me that I was going to have to pick Julian up on my own because his place of employment wouldn't let him get out of his scheduled shift. I was devastated. After all we had been thru to get to this point I couldn't believe that now to finally bring Julian home I was on my own. We ended up arguing that night because I was so upset. To me there wasn't anything that would have kept me from getting to Julian to pick him up. To my husband he knew he was our only source of income and he had to be at work. I couldn't see his side then....I wanted us to be together when we brought our first child home.

So I did what any girl would do in the situation. I called my mom! She wouldn't have missed the chance to go. And so the plan was I would fly home Monday morning at 6am and she would come pick me up at the airport. We were to meet Julian's current foster mother at the county building for the exchange so we would go directly from the airport to go get him. Both my mother and I had a vision of what Monday morning would bring but neither of us knew the chaos we were about to walk into!

Physical Therapy Evaluation

All of us were taken back into a large room for Julian's evaluations. We all sat on the floor around a small space as the doctor began her testing. The room was very large and there were many things to help with physical therapy in the room. Things like balance beams and swings for older children to small toys with lots of lights and sounds for younger children. The room was decorated for kids. Bright colors and lots of things to play on. It was hard to imagine how many kids had come thru those doors that were like Julian.

As I sat near Julian I thought about what he had gone thru to get here. As I leaned over and grabbed his little hand I asked God why? Why does this happen to children? Before I could start in on God about how he could let children be hurt...and trust me I would have started in on him! I heard the doctors voice and knew I needed soak in every word the doctor said. I watched as she tried to get Julian to move in different directions and even tried to get him to smile or just grab at a toy. He wouldn't do anything she tried to get him to do. He still wasn't making eye contact and there were a few times when other children in the room got loud and he would flinch at the noise. It was heartbreaking to watch him go thru this, he just laid there on his back with no emotions. I wasn't afraid that we couldn't help him or that making the decision to keep was going to be taking on to much for us. But I found myself wondering again...why and how this could happen to this precious child...and I thought about it many times during that evaluation.

At the end of the evaluation we were told that he would need physical therapy once a week. He would be seen by the same physical therapist every time so she could monitor his progress. We agreed to make all the appointments. Every Wednesday at 3 we would meet with the physical therapist. At first the therapy would consist of getting Julian to lift his head while on his tummy and to roll over from tummy to back and then from back to tummy. These were all things he should have started to at least try doing at 2-3 months of age.

When the appointment was over the doctor had left us all there sitting around Julian. As I looked at him on the floor I just wanted to scoop him up and take him home that day but I knew that wasn't possible. Leyla looked at us one last time and said to us....Are you sure you want to do this? As my husband and I made eye contact we both smiled at her and said...Absolutely when can we take him home?

There was paper work that had to be done so we would pick him up after the weekend. I was a little relieved because I was going to see my girlfriend over the weekend and I wanted to share everything with her about Julian. So if we couldn't pick him up until Monday I could still go on my trip! We left that day without him in our car, I thought it was going to be hard to not take him home that day but the truth was we knew we had to get many things before he came home with us....formula, clothes, diapers! All the things we hadn't gotten because we didn't know how old the baby was going to be.

As we jumped in the car I said....we need diapers...AND CLOTHES..and we were both glowing! We were off to shop in the baby isle! I couldn't wait to get everything our son would need to feel right at home on Monday...in four days we were bringing our first child home!

Meeting our Lil' Monkey

The two days seemed like an eternity for us. I was still preparing to leave on my trip to see my girlfriend and my husband was working long hours...I think in hopes of keeping his mind on something other than Julian and the upcoming appointment. When we were together we talked about him constantly. It was hard to think of anything else.

Finally, the day had come to meet him. The appointment was in the morning which was nice because I don't know that we could have waited all day to meet him. We knew we were meeting the receiving home foster mother at the appointment and Leyla was going to be there as well. The appointment was about an hour away from our home so we left with plenty of time so we wouldn't be late.

Out of the entire group of us that was meeting we got to the physical therapist office first! We took two chairs at the back of the waiting area and I remember being disappointed that we had to wait. Within minutes a lady walked in with a baby in carrier and she was followed by another young child. She knew it was us right away. I don't know what gave our identity away... probably the deer in the headlights look we both had...but it didn't matter how she knew....I was just glad she knew. She walked our way with a big smile and introduced herself and her child to us. As soon as she got close enough I had lost eye contact with her and when she introduced her child I didn't even look the child's way...I couldn't... I was to mesmerized by the baby in the carrier.

As soon as I saw him I got tears in my eyes. I looked at my husband and he too couldn't take his eyes of Julian. I felt like we were the only three in the room. I had forgotten we were in the waiting room until I noticed that there were other people watching us...I am sure trying to figure it all out. But for me it was just us three and I didn't care how many people watched.

Julian wouldn't make eye contact with us..in fact I noticed he didn't make a lot of eye contact at all. His little body was covered with a blue winter coat and blankets. As he sat in the carrier on the floor I began to move the blankets so I could get a better look. I looked up and the foster mother said...well go ahead take him out of that thing! I smiled at her and immediately began moving the safety straps. As I picked him up his eyes briefly met mine....and when they did I smiled and said...Hey Little Man! He had no smile back for me, but my heart was still melting. My husband sat along side me and I held Julian so he was facing both of us.

He was so small. It was hard to imagine him with casts on. His little face was so precious and his hair was just as crazy in real life at it was in the pictures. Just like when I looked at the photos of him I was drawn into his dark eyes. They were almost black without any sparkle. No matter how hard we tried he didn't smile for us and the weirdest thing was he never moved he just stayed completely still.

I could tell my husband was getting antsy to hold him so I handed him over. When he took him my heart melted...Father and Son....it was a picture perfect moment. As my husband took him in his arms he said...well hello lil' monkey! And Julian just laid perfectly still. I watched the two of them together. My husbands pale skin against Julian's milk chocolate skin. The two of them so different in looks yet it was obvious they were father and son. I couldn't have been more in love with either of them that day...together we were perfect.

Soon our names were called and we were headed back to a room to get Julian's physical evaluation...just as we were going back Leyla came rushing in. My husband was holding Julian and I was walking behind them. Leyla came up behind me and said... so are you in love? I smiled with tears in my eyes and said...YES....he is ours! She then said...so it doesn't matter what the doctor has to say? I said there isn't anything we wouldn't do for him now...so no it doesn't matter!

Pros vs.Cons

I knew my heart was ready to jump at this chance to help this child but I wasn't sure where my husband stood. Before we gave Leyla and answer we decided we needed to go home and talk about it and get back to Leyla by the end of the day.

There was a rush on us giving her an answer because the rule was that any child (especially an infant) could only stay in a receiving home for 60 days. At that point the child needed to be moved to a foster to adopt home or a foster home. The purpose of this is to get the child in a secure environment early on so that they can bond and they aren't being shuffled around while social services tries to reunify the family. It was Tuesday and Julian need to be moved by the following Monday into a foster to adopt home (also called a Legal Risk Home). If we decided to pass on this case then Leyla would need to search for another home but they needed to find a home that was willing to keep Julian forever because the case wasn't looking like the parents were going to be able to get him back.

As soon as my husband and I were in the car we began weighing out the pros and cons to the situation. The only CON that we came up with was we hadn't met his social worker. Which meant she could have some sort of insight that Leyla didn't have just because she had been on the case longer and had personally met with the family. But the PROS so out weighed the CONS for us. It had been two months and the parents hadn't been to any court hearings and there had 4 hearings so far. His injuries were severe and they already had one dead child. It just seemed like a no brainer.

We both agreed we needed to meet him. We needed to see his little face and so we called Leyla to see if we could set something up. She was thrilled to hear from us and agreed that meeting him was the next step. He was having his first physical therapy appointment on Thursday and we were invited to attend. The appointment was going to be an evaluation for Julian and they would be able to give us a better picture or what his physical needs would be in the future.

We agreed to go to the appointment. It was two whole days away. I was so excited and I wanted to tell everyone about Julian....but I wasn't sure without meeting him if we would be bringing him home. So the only people I told were family. But in my heart I knew he was ours...my entire being told me I was meant to be his mother. Now all I had to do was wait until Thursday to finally meet my baby.

Becoming a Mama Bear

As I bounced in and out of listening to Leyla and thinking about Julian I couldn't help but wonder what my husband was thinking. I kept looking over at him and he would look back but I couldn't get a read from his eyes as to what he was thinking. I was becoming so protective of Julian just by listening to the facts and I wondered if my husband was doing the same. As I felt myself slowly turning into a Mama Bear ready to protect her cub I knew this was our case and I just hoped that my husband was on the same page.


Leyla was still telling us facts about Julian's injuries and giving us examples of his delays. She was saying that because of Julian's injuries he was in his casts for about 3 weeks which didn't allow him to move because of the weight of the casts on his legs. After the casts were removed he still would not try and sit up or roll over at 5 months old probably due to remembering the pain that would happen when he had the injuries and would try and move. After weeks of receiving home mother trying to get him to move he still was immobile and he still wouldn't put any weight on his legs. Plus he had acid reflux which made him vomit frequently.

All of this information was heart breaking to me. I was in awe of this small child's strength and courage! Here he was fighting to just keep going when his little body was broken while the people around him continued to hurt him. And worse that his own parents ignored his cries of pain...the only way he knew how to ask for their help...their protection! How could they let this happen?

It was at the very end of getting all the facts before Leyla said to us...There is one big thing you guys should know... I flinched...I knew this was our baby and I couldn't bear to hear we couldn't have him or that the biological parents had started to move in the direction of wanting him back...so I said to her...What? What is it? She said...the parents told the police they had another child in Honduras that had died two years ago. Apparently, they told the police that they weren't sure how the baby died. I couldn't believe what I was hearing...they had another infant that died! Who were these monsters?

Julian's mother had taken the 9 month old infant to see a doctor because the baby was fussy and not eating. The doctor said the baby was only dehydrated and so the baby was given fluids and sent home with the mother. The mother said the baby died the next day but didn't know how or why. Julian's father couldn't answer any questions about the child's death because he was in the United States at the time. And that is when I knew....I couldn't let this child go back to these people. One dead infant already....then Julian's injuries! This was our case...this was our SON!

As Leyla finished with all the facts we both sat wide eyed looking at her then at each other. And then Leyla said.....do you want to see a picture? Before I could say anything my husband said...YES! I knew then he felt the same way I did, he knew this was our son. As she pulled out the photo I felt my husbands hand on my thigh as if to say...get ready this is it!

She handed us the photo and my heart stopped. He was beautiful. The pictures where taken when he was in his cast. The first thing I noticed was he had big dark brown eyes. They didn't have a sparkle like most babies instead his eyes seemed full of pain. He wasn't smiling it was more of a Mug Shot look than one of a 5 month old baby. His skin was a beautiful milk chocolate color and he had TONS of wild hair! I was in love....I knew I was meant to be his mother before I even saw his picture and once I saw the picture I knew this was God's gift! I was going to be his new Mama Bear! I would protect him from the world he knew and show him a world of love and joy!

Hearing the Case Round 1

When we got to the county building to meet Leyla I was so nervous I thought I was going to be sick. I couldn't wait to hear about the case but I also wanted it to be the right case for us. I didn't know if I could go in there hear about this child and then because of something we heard decide not to move forward. If we didn't like something about the case or if it just didn't feel like it was the right thing we had the option to say no thank you and be put back onto the waiting list. And that was my biggest fear...to have to wait again. Again I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I didn't even consider what my husband was going through in his head. It was like we had been put in this situation and we had taken every step together but each of us was on our own journey. We made decisions together but when it came to living thru it we did that alone.

As we waited in the Spring Time waiting room for Leyla I tried to decide what she would say that would make us say no. We had already filled out pages and pages of things we were willing to take on and things we weren't. We had agreed that most physical abuse and neglect we could live thru...but we had said no to any sexually abused children. We didn't want any fire starters or violent children. So as I sat in wonderment about what Leyla could say that would detour us from this case the only thing I came up with was that the parents were wanting to get him back. I knew that since we were a legal risk case we were the ones at risk of losing him if the parents complied with the county. But after talking to Leyla on the phone it didn't seem as tho the biological parents were interested in getting him back.

As I repeated every word back to myself that Leyla said to me on the phone that morning I felt my husbands hand grab mine. As I looked his way I caught Leyla's glance. She had a big smile and said...Come on back guys. We were lead down that Rocky Mountain Hallway again and I could feel my husbands hands get tighter around mine....he was nervous too. We entered a room with a table and three chairs. And we all took our seats.

Leyla sat down and opened up Julian's file. She was careful to not show us pictures because she didn't want us to fall in love with a photo so she only give us facts. Julian had been taken by his biological mother to a local Childrens Hospital and she told the doctors she brought him in because he wasn't eating and he was fussy. The hospital did a CT scan on the 3 month old and in doing so found that one of his forearms had been broken for two weeks and the fracture had begun to heal and he had two new fractures one in each leg. He was put into 2 full length casts on his legs and one on his arm and his injuries were ruled non-accidental trauma. He was taken immediatly from the biological parents until social services could figure out what had happened and who was responsible.

My heart was pounding...how did ANYONE break the bones of a 3 month old? Not to mention break a bone and let him stay in pain for two weeks! And besides the obvious fact that he was A THREE MONTH OLD and A HUMAN BEING...how was it possible? Baby bones are almost like rubber bands it would have to take some real force to break these bones...whoever did this must have really wanted to hurt this child. I must have been going pale as Leyla told the story because she asked if I was ok. I shook my head yes but in all reality I was ready to kill these parents and I hadn't even met this child....I had no idea it would be as hard to listen to the facts of this case as it was.

The police department could not get a plausible explanation from the biological parents as to how these injuries occured. They did know the the biological mother had waited until the father went to work before she took the baby to the hospital. She had told the police that he didn't want her to bring the baby in. She also mentioned that she had left Julian with a babysitter while she went to work. It was someone she didn't know very well but had offered to help her out for a few hours a day while she left for work and before the biological father came home from work. In the two months social services had the baby the biological father had also been arrested for domestic violence against the mother. Soon after his release from jail the father was also jumped by some guys and put into the hospital for a week at which time the mother decided to remain by his bedside and ended up moving back home with him.

As the information came pouring in I couldn't believe that in 5 months of life this child had been thru so much. He had been hurt and then his injuries were neglected and he was taken from his parents and put into a complete strangers home. And altho I let my mind wander just for a minute my concerns were only for Julian and I didn't even know him. Within seconds I was taking in more information from Leyla....and what I was about to hear only made me want to help him more!

His Name Is Julian

I scrambled thru the junk drawer looking for something to write on and write with and found nothing....I thought...Are you freaking kidding me right now! I finally found a note book and a pen and when I got back to the phone Leyla was giggling at me because it had taken me so long to get back to her! And then I said....okay is it a boy or girl?

As she started to talk I could barely hear her over my heart pounding. I could feel my face getting flush with every word she spoke...and then I heard her say...this case is about a little boy. He is 5 months old. And with those words I let out a huge breath and said...a little boy? She began to briefly tell me about his case. I wrote every word she said so I could give my husband every detail he needed. It turned out that the little boy was taken from his biological parents at 3 months old because of physical abuse. For the past two months he had been in a receiving home while the county tried to figure out what had happened and what needed to happen for this baby.

She began to tell me that his biological parents were illegal immigrants from Honduras and only spoke Spanish. At that time I wondered about what he looked like...so I asked her...She said he was a beautiful child but had so far lead a pretty tough little life. She explained that he looked more African American. I was surprised by that because being from Honduras I had a picture of a Latino baby. But I loved that he was different from my husband and I and I was dying to see his little face.

Leyla told me that the biological parents had not been showing up to court for the first two months the baby had been in the system and so far the case was looking like it was going toward the parents rights being terminated. I was so relieved by this news. She said that even tho weekly visits had been set up for them to visit him the biological parents hadn't been to one visit yet.

She then explained that because of the abuse he had some delays in development. He wasn't moving much and may need physical therapy. She said...I would rather you come in and read the file for yourselves so can learn everything about him that we have been able to find out and she wanted us to review his medical file to make sure we were up for the challenges he may face. I asked if his social worker would be there for the file review and she then said that his social worker was out of town on vacation so this decision to move him into our home had been done by her supervisor and the adoption team. So Leyla would be the one to go over the file with us if we decided to come in.

I was overwhelmed with emotion. I told her I needed to talk to my husband and I would call her back if we wanted to come in and read the file. As soon as I hung up the phone I ran upstairs and woke my husband up. I jumped on the bed like a little kid would Christmas morning and said they called...he popped out of bed and said...so tell me everything. I said well...IT IS A BOY! And he said the same thing I did...A Boy? Although we were open to a boy or a girl it was at that moment that I realized we had both envisioned a little girl....but apparently God had another plan. AGAIN!

I told my husband what little information I had been given by Leyla and I asked him if he wanted to go read the file. He said...heck yes! Lets see if we can go today! Within a half an hour of my last phone call to Leyla I was on the phone with her again...asking to come in that day! We had our appointment schedule for that afternoon! Then before I got off the phone with Leyla I said...uhhh Leyla...whats his name? I had been so excited the first phone call I had forgotten to ask....and I could hear her smile over the phone and she said...Julian!

Opening The Nursery Room Door

As soon as I got back into town we got the call...WE HAD BEEN APPROVED with social services. All the worrying was finally over and it was done...we were going to be parents! There were no better words we could have heard. Both of us were home when we got the call and we hugged each other and cried. It had been such a long journey just to get that one phone call. Our hearts were full of joy our heads were full of things we needed to get done. But the first thing I did was call Rebecca and tell her....she was just as excited as we were. She got the word out and soon my mail box was full of emails of Congratulations! Everyone in our world knew how much this meant to us and everyone was ready to support us in our journey.


The first item on our list was we needed to PAINT! Finally, the time had come to get those jungle animals on the wall. The animals we had spent months planning out and dreaming about for the nursery. It was finally time to open the Nursery Room Door!


My husband did an amazing job he spent many hours painting monkeys hanging from a palm tree...there was Bernard the Lion, he was the only animal that got a name...I think because he was my husbands favorite! There were tons of animals...a giraffe, a elephant, an alligator, a turtle, birds, frogs and my favorite was the big sunshine that hung over the wall where we put the crib. I loved the thought that our baby would wake up everyday seeing the sunshine. When the child was probably coming from a home of cloudy days. It was a lot of work for my husband and when it was all done once again found myself in tears. Only this time it was tears of joy...this was really going to happen for us. The room screamed nursery and more than that it showed just how much love we were ready to pour into a child.


Everything was ready for a child to be brought home and give our name. Now all we needed was that phone call telling us about our child. After we had been approved there were 4 Sundays we went to church and prayed to God to give us that call. We asked him to give us the child that was the one he had planned for us all along. When we went up for an alter call others in the church knew what we were praying for and they would follow behind and bow and pray with us. Everyone was hopeful and everyone had faith in Gods plan.


I was getting very anxious and also because I wasn't working I was going a little crazy being couped up in the house. So I planned a trip back to the city I grew up in to visit some childhood friends. It was going to be a quick weekend get away by myself over Cinco De Mayo! I was very excited about seeing my childhood best friend and spending some girl time together. I had visions of walking down memory lane with her over to much beer and lots of mexican food. I couldn't wait to see her.

The Tuesday before I was suppose to leave on my trip we got the call. It was early in the morning and I was having coffee downstairs while my husband slept upstairs. I picked up the phone and it was Leyla....she said to me...okay I have a case I want you to hear about. So grab a pen and paper...I was shaking! There I stood in my pj's and crazy morning hair and I was about to hear about a case....my voice was shaking and I said...I can't believe your calling! Hold on I will get the pen and paper!

The Last Supper

The approval committee for social services only meets once a month so we had three weeks after we met with Violet to wait before we heard about our approval or what I hoped would be our approval. Those three weeks to most would have seemed like a life time but for me it flew by because so much was happening at work.

The first round of lay offs had happened and now I found myself sitting in a room of my peers listening to the President of our division telling us that the entire division was shutting down. His words rang thru the silent conference room and with each word he said the faces around the room began to change. As each of peers digested the information I watched the wild fire begin and most of it started with anger and then tears followed. I think I was the only one in the room that was over joyed at the news. The decision had been made for me I was going to be a stay at home mom. I didn't have to worry about trying to juggle both my career and my family. I didn't have to think about leaving Tina, Rebecca and Jackson in a bind because I wanted to stay home with my child...now I just had to trust God would find a way financially for us to make it.

Over the next few weeks many of my peers were given their severance and were gone. While those of us that served as the "close down team" did the best we could to wrap things up. Jackson and I were on the road a lot that month. I think that month is when our relationship turned into life long friendship. We had to say good bye to many of our co-workers and for him employees....we heard lots of stories of people in fear of their future because they were out of work and we saw many tears. But thru it all we would always find ourselves at the end of the day talking about something that made us laugh because we couldn't take on any more sorrow.

On one or our last trips out we had Tina and Rebecca with us. The four of us spent our days in long meetings and our evenings at dinners talking about our future. Rebecca longed to be back in the social services world. She missed feeling like she was helping someone in the world be better and she wanted to move back to her home town to be closer to her family. Tina wanted to win the lotto and travel the world but with a small child at home she was job searching for another bean counting position and Jackson well he wanted to an entrepreneur by opening his own pub but instead he was going to follow the money and stay with the company by going to another division out of state. And I planned on getting home and finally being a mom.

As we sat at that table eating dinner our last night together I felt very sad. I had come to depend on these people for support and I trusted them with my thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams....we had become a family not just friends. I worried about losing them if we weren't working together all the time. Would we make time to see one another? If Rebecca and Jackson left the state how would we make that work? I loved them and I knew I needed them for the journey I was about to take....and as we sat at that table that night I prayed silently to God....Please let them I love them and God please find a way to keep them in my world.

Seeing it in Black and White

It seemed like forever before Violet put all the information together in a report for us to read. And although she had told me my past didn't matter to her the truth was she only gave her own opinion to social services. It was social services that decided on our fate not Violet. Once Violet got her report together we would schedule a meeting with her and we would be able to review everything she wrote. After we reviewed the report it would be sent to a committee of social workers that got together and decided who was approved to be foster or adoptive parents and who should be weeded out of the system. Needless to say I was very anxious to read the report. I wanted to read the information that was going to social services before they read it. So I knew what was being said about us.

When Violet called to schedule the meeting my heart was racing. She wanted to meet the next day so we scheduled the appointment. She told me we didn't need to be nervous she wasn't writing anything we hadn't told her and that us reading this report was just a formality. Soon our information would be sent on for approval. I thanked her for her time and told her we would see her the next day.

That night as my husband and I sat in our living room we reminisced about all that we had done to get to this point. All the crazy stories we heard. We laughed about some of mistakes we had made and then we started to dream about our baby. We started to try to pick out names...we couldn't believe it was finally to that point the we felt comfortable talking about names. It was hard to pick out a name we wanted because we weren't sure how old the child would be. And if the child was use to being called it birth name how could we change it? Not to mention it wasn't an easy task naming a child. We first tried family names neither of us had female names that had been passed on in our families and when we got to male names everyone on my side was or had the middle name James...and everyone on his side was Knut or Thor....and well that just didn't fit either. It was then we decided that some how this child's birth name needed to stay a part of them. It was a name that was destined for them, something they could always have from their birth parents...so hopefully we liked the name and we wouldn't have to decide on a different one.

With the thoughts of babies names running thru my mind I barely slept that night. I was to busy wondering where we would be in a few months time...or even a few weeks time. I was visualizing getting that phone call from Leyla telling us about our new child and about the case. That night I visualized a little girl she wanted us to come hear about.....I had the whole day dream in full detail down to the little pink hat the baby had on from the hospital. I pictured my husbands face the first time he saw her and how we would give her the life her biological parents couldn't. I fell asleep that night with the joy of motherhood rushing thru my veins.

The next day I woke up a ball of nerves. I had no idea I would be so nervous. In the car ride over I barely spoke a word to my husband because I was to busy contemplating the whole situation in my head. My biggest concern was somebody reading about my past without meeting me. It is so much easier to see who a person really is face to face...you can usually see it in their eyes. But if they just read about us on paper, it wouldn't be the same.

When we got there we were 15 minutes early to our appointment. We had been to the same building a million times for all the trainings and for our individual interviews so we knew exactly how long the drive was. However, that day we couldn't' wait to get there...we were so early. We were sent into the Spring Time Waiting area and this day it was just the two of us that sat there waiting hand in hand. There were no other families to watch or children to see it was just us...watching the clock tick one minute at a time. Finally, Violet came and got us and took us back into a conference room. She took out the reports and handed us each a copy. As we both began to read about our lives I felt my face turning red...I was so nervous.

As I read the 5 page report there was nothing in it that we hadn't said in the interviews. There were some things I had said that my husband didn't know I had told Violet and there were things I didn't know he had shared. But it was nothing we hadn't told each other at some point in our relationship or that I was ashamed of. However, as I read all those words I was overwhelmed with emotions. I started to tear up toward the end when she was talking about my childhood. I read all these awful things I had shared with her and all I was thinking was there was no way anyone reading this that hadn't met me would give me a child. As I finished the report the tears kept coming....My husband and Violet were surprised at my reaction. It was Violet that asked why I was crying.

I explained to her that it was overwhelming to see my life in black and white. Although I have shared my story many times with people I had never seen in it in on paper. I also told her I was afraid they wouldn't let us be parents after reading it. She grabbed my hand and said....honey these people have seen way worse than what you are sharing with them. Trust that they can make this decision objectively...and then I said it out loud...THIS IS NOT UP TO ME...Is it? And she said...no its out of your hands now!

The Last Interview

My husbands interview went well with Violet. Obviously we all have things that we don't want to share with complete strangers and he had some skeletons as well. However, everything he said couldn't compare to the things I had told her about my life. But he was just as honest and the interview took just as long....and for him it was just as nerve racking as mine was. It is not easy for him to open up but it is especially hard to do with someone he had never met. The experience took both of us out of our comfort zones but it was all going to be worth it.

We still had our interview to complete as a couple but neither of us were as worried about it because we had each other for support. There was a couple of weeks between my husband's interview and couples interview because Violet had another commitment and couldn't get it done for us. The waiting to finish it up was unbearable...we were so close! Neither of could imagine another question we could answer after the 4 hour interview we had both endured already. But we were ready for anything she had to ask!

Along with the interviews I had a lot going on at work. There had been quiet a few people that had been laid off due to a slow real estate market and that meant more work for those of us that got keep our jobs. When I heard about the lay offs my conversation with Jackson about me staying or going after we got the baby all came back. He had known then that some of our team was going to be laid off and that meant more work for me. On one of our trips I talked to him about my job. I asked him if I needed to look for a job and he once again assured me that as long as he was there I had job....so once again I put the decision of staying at work on hold until I saw how all this was going to play out.

Over the next few weeks I was out of town most of the time. I think it made it easier to concentrate on work rather than concentrating on the fact that we had this last interview to do before we found out if we were approved. I did find it so hard to concentrate while I was out of town. I would sit in meetings and be thinking of baby names and wondering if the child was out there at that moment waiting for me like I was waiting for them. I would be on airplanes and hear a baby cry and long for the day that it would be me people hated on the plane because it was my child screaming. Now isn't that funny!

Finally, it came time to do that final interview. I remember sitting in our kitchen having a cup of coffee and my husband came over to me and said hold my hand we need to pray. He did all the talking...he prayed for many things that day but the two big requests were for strength that day to listen and accept whatever we were about to be given and he thanked God for our marriage and just as he was saying Amen...the doorbell rang and it was Violet.

The interview took about 5 more hours. We went over how we would parent...I would more than likely be the day to day disciplinarian he would be the "wait till your father gets home kinda guy"...Altho in reality I couldn't even imagine him disciplining a child. He didn't even like yelling at Pugsley. We told her that time outs and grounding would be how we would punish our children, especially a child coming from social services...if your being taken away from your family for being abused spankings seemed inhuman but we also had to sign a contract saying we would not use physical acts as punishment. We talked about what schools they would attend in our area and how racially versatile they were in case the child we brought home was of a different race. We went into full detail about the infertility process and how we both were devastated over the whole process but were renewed when we found social services. We went over our finances and who managed them, how we decided on big purchases, how much we had in savings and checking. We talked about our families and we had to name who was going to be the most supportive..we knew it would be my mother she couldn't wait to be a grandma...I don't think we missed anything about our lives!

However, my favorite was when we had to give her specific times we had argued and how we handled it. I loved this because this one little section of the interview summed up our whole marriage. I can't remember the fight I used as an example but I was explaining that I have learned to walk away from the fight until I can think rationally because usually the things I am thinking shouldn't come out of my mouth. Then when I have calmed down we usually come back together and talk thru it. Violet was writing away at her note book and she looked at my husband and said...And when your angry what do you do. He sat quiet for a long time...I watched his face and even I couldn't see what he was thinking...and then he said....yeah its usually her that gets angry so I just wait for her to calm down! It made me laugh...it was so true. I could think of maybe three of four times in all our entire relationship that he was mad and even then he waited for me to calm down. Usually I would get mad that he was mad and so I would have to walk away and there he would be waiting to plead his case! And with that one comment the interview was done!

Meet Tina

After the interview I had to head back to work. My mind was racing and going back to work was one of the last things I really wanted to do. On my way back into the office I had talked to my husband on the phone and told him everything. I gave him play by play on what had happened in my meeting with Violet...I am sure I gave him so much information his head was going to explode and of coarse I waited until the last second to say....my past is not going to effect our future! After he listened to me and heard the outcome of the interview he to was relieved to hear that my childhood wasn't going to be a problem for us. It had be weighing heavily on his mind too.

Back at the office I was greeted at the door by one of my dearest friends Tina. She worked in the same department I did. Our cubicles were side by side so even if we didn't want to know what was going on with one another we did know because we sat so close. It didn't take us long to figure out how much we were alike. There were many things that brought us together but one of the biggest is we are both very vocal and we tell you exactly what we were thinking even if you didn't want to hear it. Also, at that time each of us found ourselves crunching numbers but neither of us liked doing it...it was just something we learned to do and we were good at it so we paid the bills with that knowledge...but we both dreamed of something different for our lives!

I do think that even tho we had so much in common my favorite thing about Tina was she believed in what ever it was I wanted to do. She never gave me a Pro's vs. Con's list in anything I said I wanted to do in my life. She only gave me the positives and then would brainstorm with me on how to accomplish my goal. When I wanted to give up on my dream of being a parent because I didn't want to go to another class or I was afraid I couldn't handle a child that had been abused or neglected....she would tell me how great I was going to be and she would keep moving forward. Tina and I were meant to be friends.

So when I saw her as I walked thru the door she smiled and said...well your not crying so it must have went well! It was those kind of comments that made me laugh the hardest...the true ones! I started to laugh and I said....yeah it went a lot better than I expected. As we walked to the elevators I was giving her the play by play I had already given my husband. She listened to me all the way back to our little cubicles and even then I kept talking. Before I knew it Rebecca had also joined the conversation...the three of us were like the three musketeers....we lived life together and we dreamed together! That day I think the three of us spent an hour going back and fourth on what I said vs. what Violet said in the interview. You could feel the excitement in our conversation...we all knew that I was on step closer to being a mother...and all of us couldn't wait to see what the future held for my husband and I!

I am not sure any of us got any work done that day but I do know that I fell in love with those friendships even more that day and it was all because we dreamed about me being a mother together....and the best part was they were glowing at the idea as much as I was!

Being Interrogated...Round 1

It was so hard sitting there being interrogated. It wasn't that I didn't think these questions should be asked or that I wasn't willing to do this interview. It was that I had spent my life trying to make it the best I could even tho all these obstacles had come my way and now I wasn't sure how I was going to be judged on it. I was living a good life for the most part, at the time, even tho I had seen and done things most people couldn't imagine. I was being a productive person in society by keeping a job and paying taxes. I volunteered on Saturdays delivering meal to the sick and needy. I went to church on Sunday to pray for forgiveness and strength to be a better person. I tried to be a good wife, daughter, sister and friend. But deep down I was still that same little girl afraid of the big bad world that had hurt her so many times in the past. And now I had to explain this all to a complete stranger.

I explained to Violet that I spent years being mad at my mother for allowing us to live the way we did. I gave examples of how I had been mistreated by words and physical violence and even more traumatic was watching my mother and brother go thru the same hell. I told her I thought I had to be the parent in the relationship between my mother and I because my mother had drama surrounding her most of my life. I always felt I had to step up to take care of her or my brother when the stepfather tornado of terror would hit. I told her that day that altho I spent many years full of rage toward my mother that I had also found a place of compromise in it all in order to keep the peace in my family because my family really was where my heart was.

I told her of how when I was 18 I left the house and I ran the streets for a year or so after high school with a drug dealing, gang member boyfriend that ended up in prison for murder. I did all this just to prove to my mother and stepfather that I was free of them and that I could do what I wanted. I had been in drug raids and been jumped by girls he was cheating on me with. I lead a hard life and I carried all the rage from my childhood one needed to make it on the street.

I told Violet about my distrust for men because of all the "fathers" that had come thru my world and had abandon or abused me. We talked about my long line of failed relationships and how I had dated the guys I knew wouldn't stay. I told her about how I tested my relationship with my husband a million times by being unkind in the beginning and looking back on it I knew I was just trying to see if he was going to stay NO MATTER WHAT!

I finished off the conversation by telling her that altho I had been thru hell as a kid that I knew it was what gave me my strength and empathy for people as a whole. Once you have seen hell and lived there you start to look at people differently and wonder how many of them have been there as well and just aren't willing to let you in because they are afraid you might run away when you tell them the truth.

As the room went silent from me talking I looked into Violets eyes for the first time during my story telling. Her eyes seemed sad. And that is when the tears started falling from my own eyes. As I looked into her sad eyes I said....I know all this is a lot of damage to a soul but I wanted to be honest. And then I asked her a question I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer to, I said....will this keep us from being a approved to adopt a child?

I studied her face in hopes to see something positive but her eyes were still sad. She said you know what...this story makes me sad because you were so young and the adults in your life failed you. And here you sit trying to be a parent to a child that has adults failing in their life. She said...this story isn't going to keep you from being a parent...this story is going to make you a better parent because your breaking the cycle and you know how the children in the system feel and where these children are coming from. So your story makes me sad yes...but it isn't going to keep you from being approved.

I couldn't believe her words...I was so relieved that I leaned over and hugged her. Then she said...I think you and I are done today...and I can't wait to meet the man that loved you so much he put up with all the crap you just told me! We both laughed and I said...I know you will love him as much as I do!

5 Years Then Marriage

As I followed behind Violet down yet another hallway I hadn't seen I could hear families meeting in different rooms. Some rooms had crying children and some had giggling children. It felt a little like walking thru a pediatricians office. The doors were closed but you could still hear the children behind the door. I began to notice the artwork on the walls as we walked further down the hallway. The theme had changed from Spring Time to now a Rocky Mountains scene. There were large mountains that were caped with snow and tall Pine Trees. Not many animals or life in the picture just mountains. I wondered who thought up these ideas for the walls. It seemed so ironic to me that the waiting area was full of life and almost new beginnings and the walls were the children met with their biological families was a cold and rocky picture.

As we came to our room I took a deep breath and said a quick hello to God to remind him I needed his help. The room was very small and the walls were white. No sign of life at all on those walls. The room was big enough for a regular size sofa and a small organizer where some some toys had found their home. Violet waved her hand toward the sofa and said...have a seat. I settled in to one side of the sofa and she sat at the other. It was so strange. I had envisioned the interview to take place at a table or a desk...but never saw a sofa in the scenario.

As Violet wrestled with her stack of papers and her pen I took of my coat and made myself at home. I crossed one leg under me and dangled my other foot to the floor. Violet began by explaining to me that she did not work with social services. She was with an outside company so anything we had said or done thru social services didn't matter at this point because she wasn't even sure where we were in the process. She was just hear to be gather information and give her opinion on if we were suitable to be parents. She explained that once she finished the interview with me she would also meet with my husband and then meet again with both of us. When all the interviews were done it would take her 5-7 days to put together her findings and then she would let us read what she wrote before sending it to social services.

When she was done explaining how everything was going to happen I felt a little more at ease with the process. I don't know if it was her or just knowing I could read what was being presented about us to social services that put my mind at ease but I felt a few of the butterflies leave. We had come to far for me to be full of fear now and so I said...okay lets get started!

She smiled and began the questions! We started with were I was working and how I liked my job. We even went into the fact that I was considering leaving if and when we got a baby. We talked about my marriage and she asked how we met, how he courted me and how long we had been together before we got married. I told her our story of finding one another and then told her we were together 5 years before we got married. She said... that is a long time why did he wait so long. I said well he didn't....I did! She smiled and said... well it is usually that the woman wants to wait to get married...I let out a deep breath and smiled and that is when I started to get nervous. I felt my face begin to get red and hot and so I just started telling her....See I had seen my mom go thru 3 marriages and none of them were a positive experience for her or I. Growing up I didn't picture myself married or rescued by some prince on a white horse. I just wanted to be safe and independent.

So I wasn't sure about the whole marriage idea. My husband was the only good guy I ever dated as an adult. The rest of them cheated on me, usually with my friends, or there were a few that slept with me and I never heard from them again. I picked the bad boys because I knew they wouldn't stay around...they wouldn't want to get married and settle down. Sure it hurt when they left but there was always another one around the corner. So when I met my husband I never pictured a relationship because he was way to nice for me...I never thought in a million years I would date a guy like him. He on the other hand will tell you he knew he wanted to marry me from the day he met me. He can tell you every conversation we had where we had it.

It took me five years to figure out I deserved a guy like him...and he didn't care that it took that long he just waited until I was ready. He just loved me thru it. As I told her this story of our relationship I knew for her I was barely touching the surface of what she wanted to know. But I saw in her eyes she loved our story....and I was just happy I hadn't cried yet!

Spring Time in the Waiting Area

It was finally time to do our interviews for the home study. I had scheduled mine first and I was to meet the person that was interviewing us at 8 am at the same building we had been taking our classes. When I got to the building I did our usual sign and in but instead of going down the hallway to the left, where all the rooms were that we attended our classes, this time I went to the right.

Almost immediately I was in a room that opened up into a waiting area. I noticed the waiting area was decorated with a fun spring time type theme on the walls. There was a large tree that had big green leaves growing from it and in the tree some small birds had made home. There were bright flowers all over the bottom of walls mixed with long green grass that reminded me of Spring. The furniture in the room was old and worn. There were about 10 adult chairs in the room and in one corner sat a child size table and chairs along with a few toys and puzzles.

The room was lovely but the energy of the people in the room was felt immediately. It was hard not feel the mixed feelings that came from this room....including my own nervousnes. As I walked up to the reception desk the lady didn't even look up or smile she just asked who I was here to see. I told her my name and explained that I was there for my home study and she told me to have a seat. As I looked around the room for a place to sit I couldn't help but soak in what was going on around me. I took my chair against one wall of the room so I wasn't in the way of all that was going on.

On one side of the room sat a foster mother and three children...one of the children was asleep in a baby carrier. She looked so innocent sleeping there even while she was surrounded by the chaos of the room...she slept peacefully covered in her pink blankets while her older sister was crying. The woman, with these three young girls, I recognized as one of the foster mother's that had spoken at one of our classes. She was talking to the oldest sister, who was about 5, that had started to cry because she didn't want to go see her mommy. When the foster mother tried to console her the little girl just kept saying take us back to your house..I don't want to see Mommy! The young girl crying had made the middle child nervous and she jumped up from her puzzle on the floor and began to hide behind the crying sister. As I watched the foster mother in all her wisdom try ease the minds of these small children about a visit with their own mother I could only wonder what caused the fear that made this small child cry. The foster mother told the children that it was going to be fun to see their mommy and she tried to remind them of the last time they came and saw their mommy and how fun it was....but the older girl just cried and said she didn't want to go. The scene was heart breaking...to listen to a small child cry because she didn't want to see her mommy....what had this mother done to break this child's young heart?

The room was full of people...social workers running in and out. Foster parents exchanging children with biological parents for visits. Phones were ringing and children were either squealing in excitment or crying. I don't think I moved except to breath as I sat against that wall and took it all in. Then on the other side of the room sat a couple that got my attention only becaused they seemed to stand still in a room that was constantly moving.

They were alone and had no children with them. They looked so young sitting there. I would have guessed they weren't even 20 years old. The young girl seemed very nervous and the young man slept in the chair next her. It wasn't long before a door opened up and their names were called and she nudged him to wake up and the social worker said to them....Are you ready for your visit? She anxiously shook her head up and down saying yes...while he shrugged his shoulders and said...Lets do this. I was disgusted they were there to see their children...that means they had done something bad enough to have their children taken away...they were kids themselves on top of it. And to me he was a punk! Just as I started to come up with my own story in my head about what they had done and how they got into this situation....when mind you I had absolutely no facts what so ever to their case...I heard my name!

When I looked up, I saw the woman that was going to be doing our interviews. She was an older women maybe in her early 60's. She had a friendly smile and warm eyes. As I got to the door she reached out her hand to grab mine and said....I am Violet it is so good to meet you. I shook her hand and said thanks for doing this for us. As we walked down another hallway I had never seen she glanced back at me and said I can't wait to get to know you better. I took a deep breath giggled and said...I can't wait until this is over! She laughed with me and we headed into the room where I would be for the next four hours.

Honesty is the Best Policy

After my husband and I left church that day we talked about all my fears. I was explaining to him that I was afraid my history would ruin this for us. We finally had a real shot at being parents and we had come so far but we had also listened to all these stories of children being taken out of homes due to violence and how violence in homes was usually a cycle. How could I prove I had broken the cycle? I knew I couldn't lie because lying isn't really a strong suit of mine...but I wasn't sure the truth was going to get us where we wanted either.


We decided that being totally honest was the only way to go about this situation. That hiding things from social services could only cause more problems. So when it came time to us having our Homes Study completed I would just tell the truth. I mean it couldn't be that bad...could it?

We kept moving forward in the process. We completed our CPR and First Aide class and we had taken the one LAST class left on our "TO DO LIST"online....we couldn't believe it we were finally done with all the classes! It was such a relief. We were almost done...we were closer than we had ever been to becoming parents. As soon as we took our last class online I called Leyla. I had butterflies as I sat listening to the phone ring on the other end....I couldn't wait to tell her we were done and we needed to schedule our home study. When the line picked up it was her voice mail...as I was listening to her message my heart raced at the thought of us getting this far. I was imagining us running a race and we could see the finish line just up a head...we only had one more step to take before we came in first place...and then I heard the beep........

I left Leyla a message that day saying we were ready for our Home Study. I asked her to get back to me as soon as possible. My husband was sitting at our dining room table when I made the call and as I hung up I looked over at him and he was smiling. He said...we are almost there and I can't wait to be a dad.

Talking Homestudy on Sunday

We were getting so close to the end of all these classes. The closer we got the more excited we were at the idea of being parents. We would talk regularly and wonder if we would have a boy or a girl. What ethnicity would the baby be....how old would the baby be...we day dreamed about it all the time. We talked about it when it was just the two of us and we talked about it when we were out with friends or family. I think it was all we talked as it got closer.

I was out one day shopping and I found myself wandering in the baby isle. Wondering what we need and hoping we had saved enough money to be able to afford everything like diapers, clothes and furniture. It was hard to buy anything ahead of time because we had no idea how old the child would be. I was in my own little world when I came across a baby jungle animal theme on some bedding for a crib. I was in love with the idea. I loved that it was gender neutral and I started to envision it in the nursery. I came home and started bouncing the idea off my husband. Now being the artistic one in our family he had big visions...he was thinking of drawing jungle animals on the wall and making the nursery a piece of art. The more we talked the more excited we got.

Altho we both loved the theme and we both had a vision of our future in that one small room we were soon talking ourselves out of the idea of painting the nursery until we were finally approved by social services. There were still a few HUGE steps that needed to be taken. We had two classes we still had to complete. Luckily one we could do online and the other was CPR and First Aide and we needed a free Saturday to spend to complete the course. The biggest obstacle left for us though was our home study.

The home study to me was the most intimidating thing we had to complete. Just the name of it was unsettling...HOME STUDY! First of all I hate to study and more than that I hate to be studied! The other part was I wasn't completely sure what a Home Study meant. I did know that my husband and I would both be interviewed separately for four hours a piece by an unbiased party and then as a couple for another four hours with the same person. The whole idea was to get to know us as individuals and as a couple. This one person could change our future by taking the information they found and putting it in a report of social services. The whole idea of it was so overwhelming.

One Sunday we talked to my pastors wife about the Home Study. We asked her what we could expect and she tried to ease our fears by telling us the kinds of questions they would ask. She told me that the four hours alone were all about how you were brought up as a child. Things like how your parents praised you or disciplined you. I just smiled at her as if to say...oh my up bringing... yeah that should be an easy conversation...what she didn't know my history. As she talked I was already spinning out of control in my head... I was thinking...Great that is where all this is going to fail! They are going to figure out I was an abused child and then they will thank us for our time and send us on our way! I can't believe we took all those classes for nothing....as I looked at my husband he could tell I was freaking out and he just put his hand on the small of my back as if to say...its okay calm down!

Even tho I had jumped onto the worry train....my pastors wife was still talking about their experience. She proceeded to tell me they would then get us together as a couple and we would talk about things like who manages money in our home....how would we discipline a child....they would want to know how we fought as a couple...how sexual are we as people....they would even ask why we wanted a child....and then I began to try and answer all these questions as I let the questions raced thru my mind.

Some of them were easy answers and to discuss with a total stranger. It was no secret I was the accountant and I managed our money. But then there were other questions I had no idea how we would answer. How would we discipline a child...we hadn't even talked about that. I guess I hadn't even thought about it..I wondered if my husband had? And who wants to tell a total stranger how sexual they are as a couple? And what does that even mean? Do they want a count of how many times we are intimate in a weekly or monthly period? Or are they interested in if there is porn in the house?

As my pastors wife talked I became more nervous. I noticed I had started to shift my weight from one foot to another as she talked. I even started to bite my nails like I did when I was a kid and I was worrying about life. She ended by telling us, we should have no problems with this part to just have faith that God would give us what we needed to make it thru the interview. And then there was Jackson's voice again...THIS IS NOT UP TO YOU! But it was to late I couldn't hear Jackson this time...all I could hear was my own fear...and my biggest fear was this would be the part we would "fail" and we wouldn't get to be parents. I didn't know if I could live thru failing at this too. I didn't want it to be because of my past that we couldn't have a child....but I knew that was a big possibility!

Business Deal vs. Change a Child's Life

After we listened to the accounting portion of class we moved on to listening to the social worker speak. She was an older lady that had worked with social services for a long time. And it showed. Her eyes were tired...and she looked worn down. She talked about a few cases she had on her desk just so we got a feel of what she did and how it all worked. She explained that she alone had 30 cases on her desk. A case could be a sibling group not just one child. Which seemed overwhelming to me. I mean how could she keep ALL the details of the case when she had so many to keep track of. Even worse sometimes with a sibling group they could be placed in different homes because it was hard to find foster family that would take on more then one child at a time. So if there were 3-5 siblings than that was usually 3-5 foster homes she would need to be visiting and keeping track of. She was obviously over worked but the one thing she said that day in talking about her cases was she really loved her work but most of all if she had to believe that people could change or she shouldn't be working in child protective services. She had seen many things in her career but the one thing she always hoped came out of it was that the biological parents would change and be able to keep their children. She thought families should stay together...that children did better with their biological families than adopted families.

I was really taken back by this comment. Not just because my hopes were to adopt but also I had heard some horror stories over the last few months about children and I had even been wrong in my judgement of the biological parents a few times but after all I heard I was still very judgemental about these parents that hurt their children. I didn't believe they could change. I grew up with an abuser that promised change to my mother, brother and I for many years...and he never changed. I believe once an abuser always an abuser. So when she said she had to believe people could change I thought to myself well....I guess it is good she believes that because I wasn't so sure! I guess she was better suited for a career in social services than I was because I struggled with her comment for months.

After she told us about herself a little bit she went on with her portion of the class by talking about health insurance for the child while in our home. This subject is really important for the children in the system because the children usually have not had good health care while in the homes of their biological family. There are a variety of reasons children wouldn't receive health care from their biological family such as financially the family can't afford health care or the family is uneducated that the child may need health care or the family doesn't want the abuse and neglect to be seen by a physician. So I was anxious to hear about this subject. I wanted to know how we took care of these children medically when they needed it most.

While in the system the children are covered under medicaid. There are not a lot of doctors that will not take medicaid clients because of the low reimbursement rates and the amount of paper work that comes along with one patient. However, there are a few that take these clients to ensure they have a way to be taken care of. We were told that the child is covered 100% while in our home by medicaid. Medicaid would cover any Medicaid approved doctors visits, dental needs, vision needs and mental health needs. Our job as parents would be to ensure that the child is seen by a doctor in the first 24 hours of coming into our home and then to get the child to all its appointments that are needed or required by the state.

If the child is adopted medicaid still covers the child medically until the child turns 18 in order to help out the adopted family with any future needs. I think the biggest reason they put this rule in place for adopted children was for any mental health issues dealing with the abuse or neglect the child may endured in the future when figuring out where they have come from. Also, there could be mental health issues that may arise from being adopted especially once a child starts school and begins to see what other families look like.

After learning about insurance there was another time for questions. Another woman in the group raised her hand and began to ask if as foster families we were paid directly for the medical care and then we were given the responsibility or getting the children covered by medicaid or if social services took care of it directly. At first I thought it was an odd question because I was under the impression social services took care of all of it based on the social workers information she had given us. The social worker explained to the lady it was all done thru social services and she didn't need to worry about how to get that taken care of. The lady then asked if she could be paid directly because she thought she could find less expensive coverage for the children. It was then that I figured out she wanted the cash to come to her for the health care. She wasn't interested in lower rates she was interested in more money. The social worker said that wasn't an option but asked the lady to stay after class so they could discuss her question in more detail.

My husband and I just looked at each other in shock...we couldn't believe all we had heard today about the financial aspects of the adventure. My husbands body language said it all....he was sitting with his arms folded over his chest and he just kept shaking his head. As we left that day we were once again a little more jaded about the system and who they let take care of children. We were also disgusted with these adults that looked at this as business deal and not as a way to change a child's life. The truth was we have no idea if those people became foster parents because we never saw them again....we don't know what happened when she was talked to after class because we ran out of there wondering how these people slept at night.

We just left that day and prayed they hadn't been given a child just to increase their household income.

How Much Do We Make?

Rebecca had put a new out look on this process for me. She had talked about the system in a positive way and I needed to hear that because I wasn't sure I could keep hoop jumping. Mostly, I wasn't sure I was a strong enough person to bring a wounded child into my home and help them heal. After listening to Rebecca's stories about good things that had happened in her cases... I felt rejuvenated...more than that I was feeling like I could take on the world again.

The next class we took was on how all the paper work was processed in the county. It was given by someone from the accounting department and a social worker. I think my husband and I went into this class thinking it was going to be a semi boring class because it was about paper work. I mean how could we listen to how paper work flows for three hours?

When we got to class we were shocked at the amount of people that were there. Usually there are about 20 of us. This class was probably double. There were lots of faces we hadn't seen in any of the other classes and some faces that were with us in every class. As we found a spot in the back of the room I said to my husband...why do you think so many people are here? He just shrugged his shoulders like he was wondering the same thing.

As the class got started and I settled in with my notebook and pen. I started to look around the room. I couldn't imagine why all these people were there. And then the first to speak was the accounting person. She began by telling us we would be paid to take these children into our home. That is when it hit me...all these people wanted to know about the money! She gave us the time frames on when we needed to get paper work in vs. when we would have money directly deposited into our bank account. She passed out a sample form and explained what portions needed to be filled in on the form in order to receive payment. She went thru every detail of this process. You could tell she had done this speech a thousand times for people just like us. When she got to end of her speech I had a page of notes. I was more worried about having the paper work just the way they needed it for record keeping because for us it wasn't about getting the paid. The truth is I would have done it for free if it meant we got a child.

However, there were others in the group that were there for income and not there for child. You could tell they were there for the money. As soon as she asked if anyone had questions hands flew up all over the room. When she called on one of the women in the room her first question was...How much do we make? I was in disbelief! How much do you make? This wasn't a job interview! It wasn't a salary we were talking about here. Then she said to the woman in accounting...well I need to know how much money we can expect per kid so we know how many kids we need to take. I know at this point my mouth was wide open like some sorta bad acting job on daytime TV...but I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The amount of money received was suppose to go to taking care of a child not to put in your bank account as income. I really had no idea how much money we were talking about at the time but I did know everything she was saying was completely inappropriate! Is that why her and her husband were here was a source of income?

The sad part about that question was it didn't even phase the accounting gal. She had obviously heard it before because she just simply said that the amount of the subsidy was dependant on the child's needs and then she advised the woman to speak with her social worker about details.

As the accounting woman moved on to other questions that were similar to the first woman's question.... my mind started racing about how some people got into this for the income. After all the stories they had heard in their training classes about children being abused the question most on their minds was, HOW MUCH DO WE MAKE? I was trying to pay attention to other questions as they were asked but the more I heard the more sick to my stomach I got. My mind was once again on how our society had deteriorated as human beings with hearts. I thought the saying wass..it takes a Village to Raise a Child....not how much cash do I get to raise child! I also wondered if social services would still let them take a child into their home? I mean just because you are good at jumping thru hoops doesn't mean you should be able to take a child into your home. Especially if all your seeing is dollar signs. There were probably three couples that day in that room who were only concerned with the cash. That could be at least three children that would be in homes that only wanted them because of the income they brought in. It terrified me that the system could let this happen.

And all this happened before we even heard what the social worker had to say.

Jumping Thru Hoops

As a couple we had to jump thru many hoops in order to qualify to be a parents in the county system. Which when I think about it, I find it so ironic because most parents don't need to be licensed to become parents. They didn't have to take classes to qualify or have their finances looked or even have a back ground check. If that were the case most of these parents in the system wouldn't be allowed to be parents. Most of those parents probably just had to get drunk one night and forget to protect themselves and they got the blessing of having a child. But my husband and I.....well we didn't get that blessing so we just kept asking God to guide us and then we would jump thru another hoop.

There were days I wasn't sure I could do this. I would listen to the stories and I would ask myself ..what are you thinkin'? We sat thru hours of childhood development and abuse horror stories. We listened to legal mumbo jumbo from lawyers and social workers. Every time we left we could come up with a million reasons to walk away. But there was still the one biggest reason to stay....a little baby we could call our own.

I was still traveling with Jackson most weeks but the weeks I was home my husband and I were in some sort of training class. It was overwhelming really. One day when I was on the road Jackson asked me if I planned on working when we got the baby. I really didn't know how to answer him. If I told him...no I plan on staying home I could risk the security of my job....but if I said...I planned on staying at work...I would be lying and he would know I was lying...we had gotten to know each other to well. So I said...I am not sure what we are going to do. I explained the whole thing to him...wanting to be a stay at home mom vs. needing the money at home especially with a baby. And as I was explaining all this to him I noticed his eyes changed. He didn't look worried I was going to leave work to stay at home with a baby..he looked more worried that I planned on staying. I didn't comment on it but I wondered what that look was for. The conversation just ended with Jackson reassuring me that as long as he was there I had a job. But I wondered what he was trying to tell me....

Rebecca had also finally got wind of why I was missing so many Fridays at work and she approached me one day to have lunch with her. She and I had gotten closer but I still hadn't been open with her as to what was going on in my world. At lunch she brought it up for me. She asked me how our classes were going. I explained what classes we had taken and how we were excited to be parents but we questioned if we could handle the situations we had been hearing about. Rebecca listened intently. I must of rambled on for a half an hour about all we heard and how we felt about everything we heard and she just listened. After I was done with my tangent.... she proceeded to tell me positive stories about cases she had been involved in. She lit up when she talked about her favorite kids. She explained why some parents ended up in the system due to mental illness and how some kids would never get out of the system because of the cycle they were born into. She also told me that it broke her heart that most couples wanted to adopt the babies but nobody wanted the older kids because they thought of them as to damaged. It was such an enlightening conversation it was the first time I heard a positive story from social services. The only positive story I knew was my pastor and wife. The rest had sounded to horrible to imagine. When she was done sharing her stories she told me if I ever needed to talk to her about this she was open to being a sounding board.

As we walked back to the office that day after lunch I finally felt like I knew someone that got what my husband and I were going thru. We had been to tons of these classes and we never met another couple that we could use as a support system. But luckily for me God had placed Rebecca in my office and had given her the courage to approach me.

Stories that Needed to be Heard

The next class on our list was about different behaviors children will have because of the abuse or neglect. This was a class that I wish no human would have to go thru. The class revolved around hearing horror story after horror story about children that were put in horrible situations by their own family members. The entire class made me view the world differently....it jaded me even more than I thought it could. To know there were adults out there hurting children in this way made me wonder how our society got so evil. Where had we gone wrong that we needed to hurt children?

The first story was about a child that was brought into a foster home and she would take food and water and hide it in her room. The foster mother figured it out because of the smell that was coming out of the room from the food roting. When the foster mother asked her why she took the food the little girl lied and said she hadn't taken anything that it must have been one of the other kids in the home that left it there. The foster mother let her lie about not taking the food because she knew the child's history but as they started to clean out the food from underneath the bed they found bags and bags of bread, cheese, glasses of water and cookies. The child had been deprived of food and water as a way of discipline. She never knew when she would be able to eat or drink again when she lived with her biological family. When they first brought her into the foster home the child would eat until she literally vomited at the table because she didn't know when or how to stop. She took the food from the foster family even tho she was being fed as much as she wanted or needed because she wasn't sure when they would "stop" feeding her. The foster family had to come up with ways to teach this child that she could eat whenever she felt like she was thirsty or hungry. And they had to build her trust so she knew that the food and water wouldn't go away. They gave her a water bottle that she could carry with her and she could fill it whenever she needed to and they always made sure she had healthy snacks with her name on them in her back pack or in the cupboard. It took them a year and half before she stopped hoarding food. It is hard to imagine a child in this country going hungry but even worse to know the child was hungry not because mommy and daddy didn't have money but because they chose not to feed her.

The same year we were taking these classes the biggest children's sex ring operation in town had been busted up by the police. When they figured out who the ring leader was in this operation they figured out he had a 5 year old daughter. In talking to the little girl she began to tell them the stories of her up bringing and how ever since she was two her daddy would sell her for 5 dollars and she had to be a good little girl and let the men do bad things to her. I couldn't imagine hearing these words from a 5 year old's mouth. As a social worker hearing this how could you keep it together and not just want to kill that father? Social services soon came to figure out that it was one man that had approached the father about selling his little girl and he needed the income so he took the pedophile up on his offer. When the father figured out how much money he could make off giving this child to pedophiles he started his own business of selling her and the progressively got other children in on the operation. The terror this child must have gone thru because her daddy was sick minded. She will never be able to overcome the abuse she will just learn how to live life after what she has been thru.

There were many stories we heard that day. From babies that were never touched and never learned to bond to children that were made to sit in boiling water for peeing their pants at age 4. All of them just as heart wrenching as you would imagine. At one point I was so nauseated that children were being treated this way I left the room so I could take a break from the details.

The purpose of this training was to have us hear the terrible stories to bring to light what social services deals with daily. And also to see if we could handle what we were hearing as a group. They told you the worst of the worst to see if you could stomach what you heard. These stories weren't Law and Order Episodes they were true life stories of children being tortured. We weren't listening to stories of children in third world countries that didn't have a government that watched out for their needs. We were listening to stories of children in the United States of America.....

The statistics show that 4 children die everyday as a result of child abuse in the United States. An estimated 906,000 children are victim of abuse or neglect every year and children ages 0-3 are more likely to be abused because they can't tell anyone.

Who is watching out for these children was all I could think about? It wasn't their parents...usually one or both of the parents is the abuser. How were we letting this happen? But more importantly what could my husband and I do to help one child not have to live like this?

Drew and Mimi

After our talk in the car on the way home from diversity training we both agreed that we didn't care what the baby looked like. We would see what God and social services brought our way and we would decide based on the child's case and the child's history vs. trying to decide based on sex, race or creed.

We sat down over the next few weeks with a schedule of classes that were being offered and decided which classes we wanted to take. We tried to get an idea of how long it was going to take us to be approved for adoption. We had a long road ahead of us. It looked like about 6 mos of training. But we were ready. We looked at the time line the same way I would imagine most couples would once they find out they have a baby on the way. It gave us time to prepare. We had to figure out if I would stay working or not....our plan was I would stay home but I wasn't sure how we would financially pull that off.....but staying at the job I was in wasn't an option either because of all the travel. Once we had a baby in the house I wouldn't want to be in a different city a few weeks our of the month. But this time frame would help us with figuring all that out. Until then we would continue taking our classes and living life the way we always did. Six months would go by quickly.

It was the fall after the dreaded 4th of July trip to Montana and we decided we were going to have a Halloween Party. Halloween is my husband's favorite holiday and it had become a tradition of sorts for he and I to hold a costume party for our friends and family. To be honest I was traveling so much that year we almost didn't have the party. However, my husband loved having the parties so how could I say no just because I was tired. We decided to go as Drew Carey and Mimi that year. We invited our all friends and we had everyone there from pirates to Princess Leia. Everyone was in costume but I was tired. I had been traveling all week and to be honest I just wasn't in the partying mode. At one point I was trying to get everyone in the garage for a pumpkin carving contest and a barked out like a drill sergeant..."EVERYONE IN THE GARAGE SO YOU CAN CARVE PUMPKINS!" The guests all jumped and ran into the garage like mice running from a hungry cat....I felt terrible as I followed them into the garage for pumpkin carving I grabbed another beer in hopes to lose the drill sergeant voice.

After the guests started to leave I noticed my mom sitting on a chair and she looked like she had seen a ghost. There weren't any ghosts at the party only Superman and a Firefighter so I wasn't sure what was going on. My brother and sister in law stood next to her so I figured what ever was going on my brother was there and he hadn't said anything to me so must not be a huge issue. As Drew and Mimi hugged the last guest we sat with my mom, brother and sister in law. It was late and I was hoping they wouldn't stay long I was ready for bed. We all started talking....now just so you have the full picture here...my mother is dressed like a Groucho Marx look alike and my brother and sister in law came as and OLD married couple...my brother even had a pill bottle full of little blue pills for effect.....and then there was us....Drew and Mimi! All of us gathered in our living room dimmed by orange lights and bats hanging from the celling....As we started talking I new something was up and then they laid it on me. My brother announced that he and his wife were expecting a baby!

There wasn't anything more heart wrenching than hearing those words at that time. I was so angry. My thoughts were exactly like this.... Are you fucking kidding me here? They can have a baby? I don't even like her....I am not sure he even likes her? Why do they get to be parents?....but my mouth opened up and I said,"Congratulations! I am so excited to be aunt!" I know my brother didn't believe me that day. I saw it in his eyes. And to be honest I didn't believe me. Probably no one in that room believed me. I didn't want to ruin the moment for them. It wasn't their fault we couldn't have children....but everyone knew I was heart broken. Soon after they broke the news they all left.

As soon as the door closed my husband asked if I was okay...I just started ranting and pacing...I felt like an emotional volcano ready to erupt and that is exactly what I did. I just kept asking my husband why? And when I wasn't asking why.... I was complaining about my sister in law and everything I found wrong with her...I was yelling about how they told me at my own party...of coarse looking at it now I don't think any other time would have been better...and then I beat myself up...what was wrong with me that I couldn't get pregnant and he was my younger brother I was suppose to have a baby first. I must of went cried and yelled for an hour....before my husband said...come on lets go to bed your tired. We can talk about how I am going to be an Uncle in the morning.

That's when I snapped out of it. I looked at him like a small dog looks at its owner when they don't understand...I tilted my head to one side and stared at him...He called himself an Uncle....he wasn't thinking about this like I was. He saw this situation so differently. He was excited for them...while I just concentrated on my own pity party. I am amazing at throwing Pity Parties. I bring all the best guests from Mr. and Mrs. What If....to Mrs. Why Me!

As I went to bed that night I wondered about if my brother would have a boy or a girl....I pictured me teaching my niece how to wear make up because her mother didn't wear make up so she would need me to help. Or how I would teach my nephew to cook because women love a man that can cook....and then a thought over took my emotions... maybe our kids will come home around the same time? Would they grow up together and be friends? And as I drifted off to sleep with thoughts of my brothers child and my child playing together as he and I did as kids. My heart warmed at the idea of that I was going to be aunt!

You look just like your Daddy!

The Diversity training brought up so many things to think it about. One of the things that was addressed was adopting a child of a different racial back ground. We had never really talked about that as a couple. It is not something that needs to come up when the plan is having biological children. It is pretty obvious what the race of the baby will be....me plus my husband equals equals a Norwegian, German, Irish baby! And with that mix that baby would probably have a temper! However, in attending this diversity class we started thinking about how we would handle a baby that doesn't look like us. Or did we even want a baby that doesn't look like us.

Leyla told many stories about people that wanted children that looked like them and she gave scenarios on people that didn't care what the child's nationality was. She gave scenarios of Caucasian families adopting African American children and how much the Caucasian families learned about the differences in hair care and skin care for African American children. Or families that adopted Latino children and how the adoptive parents learned as much about the child's ethnicity as possible so they could make new family traditions that included the child's heritage. They were very inspiring stories of open minded people. Leyla also said that as adoptive parents you wouldn't be judged from social services based on if you wanted a child to look like you or not. It was a decision that was completely up to the adoptive parents but it was something that most people didn't think about so we all needed to take sometime to think about it before making a decision.

I knew for me there was no question on if I wanted the baby to look like us or not. I didn't care. I wanted to be a mom and it didn't matter if the child was Caucasian, African American, Latino, Asian, you name it...I didn't care...heck if it was an alien from mars I would have been open to it....well maybe...I mean I would have wanted it to look more like Marvin the Martian from Looney Tunes than that slimy alien Sigoruney Weaver battles in those Alien movies...but I may have even taken slimy if that were my only choice because my main objective was to be a mommy and now since my first plan didn't work out it was to be a mommy to a child in need. But I didn't know how my husband would feel, altho I couldn't imagine he would care either.

After, the diversity training was over we were headed back to the house and we started to talk about how our eyes had been opened up to different things we hadn't thought about... like parents giving up their children because they knew they were dying. Or how our hearts broke for the kids that didn't get to participate in the Christmas activities.....and how wrong we thought it was for the system to allow a child to feel like an outsider. And then we talked about interracial adoption.

I mostly listened to my husband talk. He talked about how in siting in that class it hit him that our child wasn't going to look like us even if the skin tones matched. It would be some else's eyes we looked into instead of our own...no matter what our child would not have a piece of each of us. There probably wouldn't be times that someone said, "You look just like your daddy." Or if they did say it we would know the truth...they didn't get those looks from us! My husband talked about how he always pictured us having a little girl with my hair and his eyes. He thought the little girl would be a spit fire like me but would follow her passion like him. The more he talked the more I felt the lump in my throat get bigger. It made me sad to hear his words...not because they were untrue but because I had thought all these things myself. Suddenly this conversation wasn't about adopting anymore but more about him grieving that little girl he dreamed of. As I tried not to cry I started to think to myself....why can I not give him this gift? Why do we have to be here....where are you God? Are you listening??? And with those thoughts the tears once again began to fall.