Julian Shows Me A Burning Bush

I tossed and turned all night about the option of adopting Ashley's baby. Just the idea made me begin to contemplate our lives. If we took this baby we could potentially end up with two small infants within about a year of one another. I wondered if I could handle two infants and more than that I wondered if it was fair to Julian. The truth was Julian never really had 100% of my husband and I at this point because we were constantly dealing with social services. If we brought another infant into the mix that would just add to our already chaotic lives. Julian needed peace in his world. He needed less appointments, less stress in us and more time to figure out we were family. We were his home. Once his case was closed and he was finally ours maybe it should just be the three of us for awhile.

But what if he didn't stay with us. What if the worst happened and they sent him back to the biological parents? Then should we pass up this opportunity to take Ashley's baby? Could this be God's way of giving us another shot at parenthood? I cried at the thought of losing Julian. He was what I really wanted in all this. I shouldn't have even been contemplating another baby....he was my baby...our baby! I became so overwhelmed with the guilt of just thinking about this other child that I stopped myself from going any further. As my husband snored next to me in bed that night I prayed with lots of tears to God.

Dear God,
Please give me some sign of what I am suppose to do here. A burning bush of some kind would really be helpful! I feel like we are all lost in this cycle of hopelessness. I know I can't give my child what I need to when I feel lost. I know I can't protect him when I feel hopeless. Please send me in a direction that you feel is right. And please God, give me the strength to do what you need me to do in this situation. Your losing me here dude, I feel like am beginning to break!
With an Amen to finish up my requests and then with a huge breath I fell asleep almost instantly.

The next morning I was given my morning wake up call by the love of my life. Julian was calling me. He didn't use words or even cry. Instead he began to baby babble. First, very quietly and then as time would go on it would get louder and louder until finally I would roll out of bed, grab my glasses and yawned my way into his room.

Our normal routine was he would get me to come in there and he would still be on his tummy. Even after 3 months of physical therapy he would still be on his tummy almost in the same position I would leave him in the night before. Usually, he would be talking to his giraffe on his blanket when I walked in and then when I would say, "Good morning my little man!" He would squeal and give me the biggest smile in the world. Every morning I woke up he reminded me that even though his wake up time was 5am, it was well worth it just to get that first morning squeal.

But this morning was different. He did give me my usual wake up call. I grabbed my glasses and headed to his room. As I started to say my usual Good Mornings, I heard his squeal and then I stopped myself! My eyes filled up with tears and I began to cry. Julian had FINALLY rolled over! Then before I knew what was happening I began to yell and jump up and down. He was terrified. Here I was jumping up and down and yelling, "YOU DID IT! OH MY GOD YOU DID IT! WHEW WHEW!" He didn't know it was an excited yell. He just knew my voice changed and I was crying...so he started crying too. He was so upset he looked like a turtle that had been put on its back and couldn't roll over again. Apparently, he got on his back but couldn't figure out how to get back to the very comfortable tummy position. He was in my arms within seconds and I was hugging him so tight that I am sure if he could have talked he would have said, "Ummm, Mom CAN'T BREATH!" We both stopped crying that morning with that hug. Him because he was scared and me because he finally rolled over.

I never felt more accomplished in anything I had done in life then I did that day Julian rolled over. After all we had been through in physical therapy and all the crap I had heard from social services. None of it mattered because he was finally trusting us enough to move. At that moment I knew I could never let him go. I also knew that his rolling over was God's burning bush and that things were about to change!