Finding A Doctor

One of my biggest concerns for Julian was his medical care. He had been seen by so many doctors in the short time he had been on this earth. There was the doctor that delivered him as a premature baby. Then there was the medical team that helped when he was brought in to the hospital with his injuries. And it was a totally different team of doctors that did his follow up visits after his casts came off. When he had been taken into foster care he also started going to a clinic for his regular well baby check up's and for his acid reflux. Each time he went to the clinic he saw a different doctor, the doctor that happened to be working that day. To me this was not the kind of care we hoped to have for Julian.

With a little one that had been through so much we thought he needed a doctor that knew him by name. That saw him and knew his history. Each time I had taken him in for his well baby visits I had to explain his situation to the doctor that came into the room that day. They hadn't even looked over his chart or tried to figure it out before they saw us. It was frustrating not only to explain our situation to a total stranger but to also have to answer all the questions that came along with it because most of the questions just reminded me that Julian legally was not our son. It would be questions like, "wow so you haven't adopted him yet? How is that process going?" like I had some kind of control over adopting him. Or after I would explain the injuries and all that he had been through then their concern would turn to me and my mental health. Which let me honest, I was under a huge umbrella full of holes in a monsoon! My mental health would take longer than this short well baby visit. Talking about my mental health would only be positive if Julian were finally a legal member of our family and I would no longer have to explain our relationship.

I went to two appointments at this clinic he had been going to before I decided this wasn't what I wanted for Julian or myself each time we went to the doctor. I really wanted a doctor that knew us and could watch him grow. I must have called fifty doctors looking for the one that would take Julian's insurance, Medicaid, and an office that only had one pediatrician that could watch him grow. Finally, it was the same pediatrician that took my niece as a preemie patient that took Julian. They only took in a handful of Medicaid patients and after hearing our story she couldn't say no. I was so excited.

Of coarse during our first visit to meet her I cried. I didn't want to cry but I was so overwhelmed with emotions that day. We were there so Julian could get his first round of shots and as any mother knows, shot days are always hard. Not only does it mean they are growing up to quickly, each shot means another month or three months has past. But it also means they will scream from pain and as a mother you can't explain to them why this is happening and you can not do anything about the tears, so you cry with them. I was also so thankful to be in a clean and loving doctors office. As I told her our story and how I felt like a I was working toward a different goal than every other adult in Julian's life, she cried with me. Her eyes were full of tears as I told her our story and she reached out and grabbed my hand to let me know her heart was breaking for us. We both watched Julian's little face as he played with his toys on the floor of the exam room. He wasn't phased by our emotions in fact as he looked up at us he seemed peaceful and even let out a huge squeal to let us know he knew he was being watched.

When I was done she said, "I can't imagine the fear that fills your heart about Julian's future. And I want you to know we will watch over him here just like he were already yours. As far as I am concerned you are his parents and those people out there they gave birth to him already gave up their rights to have him when they allowed him to be hurt and didn't seek medical attention. Now lets get him up on this table and check him out shall we?"

As we both wiped our tears from our eyes, I knew we once again had found a place for our family. It was one small step but for me at this point it was what we needed. I put Julian on the table and she began the exam. As she looked over every inch of his little body she also began educating me on his growth and what to expect. She said it was time to start introducing him to baby food and she thought that might help with his constant vomiting. Sometimes it was just formula that wasn't settling well with babies and introducing baby food might help. I was so excited at the thought of not being covered in puke for the rest of my life!

She also gave him his shots that day. And although he did cry as soon as the shot went in he was easily distracted by his toys and it wasn't until later that day that I would figure out just how rough those two little shots would be for Julian.