Seeing Me as Human

The entire way home that day Julian cried and screamed. This was a usual occurrence for him after his Friday hour visitation with the bios. I was usually ready to pull my hair out by the time we got home. But the truth was I usually had the rest of the afternoon with him being upset and not willing to eat or sleep. I spent hours with him screaming as I held him and tried to calm him down. Nothing would ever sooth him not even my rendition of Jesus Loves Me! At first I thought this was because the bios were not feeding him or maybe even due to over stimulation and Betty Rose had mentioned to me. But as time went by I came to think that my little man was just going through a traumatic experience every Friday. I don't know if it was the confusion of seeing his biological parents or the dislike of it. It could have been the lack of food and over stimulation or even him just missing his nap time. But it didn't matter why he was so upset or what caused it. All that mattered to me was that it was consistently a problem so I decided it was time to talk to Betty Rose about it when she came for her visit this month. I needed her to know what these visits did to Julian because each time he went his little world was turned upside down.

It came time for Betty Rose to do her usual once a month visitation and as usual she got under my skin with in minutes of her being there. She came in and immediately grabbed Julian up and kissed all over him. Never once getting the Que's from him that he didn't want her holding him or kissing on his face. Finally, when he could take anymore he reached for me to hold him and in her eyes I saw for the first time that she figured out I was his mother now. It was me he turned to when his world wasn't right. It was me he reached to for comfort. And as I saw her eyes change mine did too...I started to gloat and I knew she could see it. More than that I was glad she could.

She started her visit by telling me how this months court hearing had went. She said it was pretty much uneventful. That she had been told by the judge that a full treatment plan had to be presented at the September hearing and the parents needed to have explained to them in full detail so they could prove to the courts they were fit to have their child returned to their home. I was in shock at the fact that it had been 5 months since Julian had been taken from the bios and Betty Rose still didn't have a treatment plan in place for them. Why was this just now coming up for these people. Shouldn't that have been the first thing done after placing Julian in a safe home?

My eyes welled up with tears at the thought of them taking Julian. And before I could say anything she said, "I know this is hard for you to hear but they are his parents. And they should be given every chance they need to get him back." With those words I was no longer sad but instead infuriated at her words.

I said," Betty Rose how many chances to they get. If they were given a written test and they passed with a 70% does that make them fit parents? Or shouldn't you be looking for more like the 85-90% range? Because so far the only thing that has been asked of them is to show up on Fridays for a visit and they miss one out of four visits a month. Now you are telling me they are going to be given a treatment plan with more things they have to "SHOW UP" to and this will give them more chances to get Julian back? Seriously how many of those visits plus their weekly visits can they miss before they have had ENOUGH chances?"

The silence once again filled my home and in the middle of August it felt like winter in my living room from my cold harsh words. I was tired of living everyday as this child's mother and the moment Betty Rose walked into my home I felt like nothing more than his baby sitter. They were not his parents. I was his mommy and my husband was his daddy. Those two people didn't knew anything about Julian. Hell they couldn't even get his formula right so he could be fed while they spent an hour a week with him.

Betty Rose cleared her throat and a different look came over her face. It was one of sympathy. It was the first time I had seen her actually see me as a human with feelings and not just some day camp she "hired" to take care of this child. She said,"I am sorry. You are right there are many things about this case that don't add up. And to be honest I am not sure he will go back. I have two cases like this now where I feel like I will run away with these children before I send them back to the biological families." I shook my head like a dog shakes off after a bath. It was obvious she had thrown me off with her sensitivity. I said,"Are you serious? You don't think they will get him back?" She said,"At this point I don't see that happening."

I was so relieved I felt like a whole new woman. Finally she said it. She said she didn't think it was good for him to go back. It was the first time the woman said anything to me that made sense. I was afraid to ask anymore questions or to even mention how Julian acted after the visits he had on Fridays because I just wanted her to leave our home on a good note. I wanted to just take that moment and soak every second and every word she said in. And so that is what I did. I said good bye to Betty Rose that day with a smile on my face and a song in my heart! Finally the case was turning in the right direction!