A Sleepy Story

The supervised visits for Julian and bios were now suppose to be twice a week, but between social service and the bios finding a day of the week that worked, the decision was taking longer than I anticipated. The irony to all this scheduling was the visits had already changed three times since the judge ordered they see him more often and the bios had yet to actually see him or even insist on a temporary day to see him. The whole group of people involved in this process could not come up with a day that worked for everyone. However, to me the bigger issue was not once had anyone asked us what worked for Julian schedule or for mine. I continued to juggle the phone calls, emails and continued rescheduling all in hopes that at some point it would become to much for the monsters that had hurt this child and they would soon just stop showing up for any schedule visit. However, they finally figured it out.

The first visit in October was a regularly schedule visit. That Friday morning visits had now turned into two hour long visits, instead of just an hour. Betty Rose came up with the new plan and her hope was bio mom would spend an hour by herself with Julian without bio dad present and then the two would switch and bio dad would then spend the second half of the visit with Julian without mom there to help. With this process Betty Rose thought she would be able to watch them individually and see how each acted toward Julian while the other parent wasn't around. I suppose social services was trying to find out who the perpetrator was and most of us knowing the case were leaning toward dad being the abuser.

Dad had a history of violence and was currently being given treatment for spousal abuse. He had also had an altercation early on in Julian's case where he was beat up on street corner and put into the hospital, but according to his story he had no idea why he was the victim of this violent crime. Showing a pattern of violence worried Betty Rose but not enough to stop visitation all together. Probably, if the truth were told about why Betty Rose did these individual supervised visit, it was because she was waiting for dad to show signs of an being abusive. Her idea was maybe he would break the Mr. Nice Guy act if he was alone with him for an hour and unable to cope without the help of bio mom. Betty Rose knew that as important as the visits were for bio mom to be able to bond with Julian, the idea of being able to watch bio dad was even more important if he was the abusive parent she thought he was.

Knowing this information, as a parent working to get your child back, one would think he would have probably registered these visits as high on the importance list. Yet, for bio dad on this day he decided it wasn't important for him to come to his hour of visitation. Bio mom showed up on time that day because a neighbor had picked her up and brought her to the visit. She knew she had to be at the visit but she was upset when telling the social worker that dad couldn't make it that day. When she was asked why dad didn't come she reported he was to tired and needed his sleep.

I personally heard the sleepy story after the visit was over. As a sleepy baby, was handed back to me with tears running down his face Betty Rose gave me the run down of how the visit went. As I stood there listening to her excuses as to why dad didn't show up, I saw she wasn't even frustrated with the process. She seemed to accepting this excuse and my blood began to boil. She must have known I was about to lose it because she said, now before you get upset just know I am putting this in front of the judge. The judge will know they missed this visit. I rolled my eyes at Betty Rose and mumbled whatever under my breath, turned my back to her and put Julian in his seat. I covered him with his Elmo blanket, wiped his eyes and handed him a bottle that he sucked down like he hadn't eaten in days.

As I closed the door to the car and turned around to ask Betty Rose if Julian ate during his visit, I turned to an empty parking lot. Betty Rose must have run the minute my back turned to her because she was already in the building without saying Good Bye.

Is Julian a Drug Baby?

Julian being mobile turned our world into a whole new adventure. He continued to crawl after anything he wanted to get his little chubby hands on. With each move forward he would grunt and pull his body. He had figured out he could move but he just choose to not use his legs, instead he would prove his strength to the world by dragging his little body behind him. Honestly, it was one of the funniest things to listen to and watch. Although, we spent weeks in physical therapy teaching him that it was okay to be on knees, he never quit accepted the fact that it may be easier to crawl this way.

He would giggle in delight as got up on all fours, he never cried or complained and his face always lit up with pride. Soon after he was put in the crawl position to go full steam ahead he would begin to rock. The downfall of this rocking motion always came when he was taunted by his favorite Elmo toy. Denise, his physical therapist, would set his toy just a few feet from him and tell him to go get it. He saw the prize and we saw the determination. He would rock just a little bit, and each time I held my breath in hopes he would continue forward. After just a few rocks back and fourth Julian would dive into a belly flop on the mat and pull his way to Elmo. While Denise was thrilled that he was finally moving she still had major concerns with his progress. He was now almost 11 months old and barely beginning to crawl. So just as quickly as we had a victory in our home, her concerns gave us more to worry about.

Denise asked me during a visit if I thought Julian had been exposed to drugs while his biological mother was pregnant? My heart raced at the idea of Julian having to deal with yet another issue caused by his biological parents. I said," There was nothing in his file about drug usage. Why do you ask? Is this something I should pursue with Betty Rose?" Denise shook her head back and forth as if confusion had taken over her thought process. She said," Well maybe you could ask her about it. His delay in activity could be many things but if they do a hair follicle test on him now we might be able to rule out drugs. It is more of a gut feeling then anything because I could not put any evidence behind my thoughts here." Her words were both devastating and exciting as I heard them.

I couldn't imagine how a mother could do drugs during a pregnancy. After all I would have done anything just to get pregnant. I also hated the idea of Julian having to overcome yet another issue because his bios were so irresponsible. Hadn't he been through enough because of them. But with each negative I thought about Julian and his biological parents, I also thought, what if this is it. What if he was exposed and that proves they shouldn't get him back.

As the thoughts bounced back and forth from good to bad in my brain, I began to wonder what Betty Rose would do with this information. I struggled with if I should even tell her because I knew Denise wouldn't stand up in court and suggest that drugs could be a factor in all of this. After all she had just said she had no facts to back up her accusations. Yet, if I didn't say something what if mom was doing drugs now while pregnant with Julian's little brother or sister, what was she doing to this new child? Would Betty Rose even believe me? She always insisted I was just out to keep Julian and not out to do what was best for him. The idea weighed heavy on my heart for days. Then after the first supervised visit Julian had with the bios in October, I decided what to do.

October 6th

My Dearest Julian-

It is time to write again baby boy. You change so much every day and I want us both to read these letters in the future and feel my heart and how much I love you with each word I write. You have been struggling through your supervised visitation with your biological parents and it breaks my heart every time you see them. The confusion you must feel as I drop you off to the arms of a stranger and then in turn you are passed on to the people that gave you life. Yet you can't understand why your not with them and why your not with me. If only I could help you through this confusion. I cry with you every time I leave you there. I know your strength little man and I know you can get through this time and soon we will be a family. My favorite part of those visit days is picking you up and having that second between us that our eyes meeting. You begin to glow and your whole body seems to find peace in knowing we are back together. I melt every time you reach for me and give me a smile with that mischievous twinkle in your eye.

We spend our days together playing and giggling. Well most days. You have had some screaming episodes where both of us feel as though we have been through war by the end of the day. Although, I would change those days to happier ones if I could, I wouldn't change being with you. I would go through any war with you if it meant just getting to see that smile every now and then.

Your favorite toy was given to you by a friend of mine, it is a lime green alligator. You won't let it leave your site. It is the perfect size for you to carry everywhere and its rubber so you also spend lots of time chewing it. We simple call him Gator and you squeal in delight every time you see him.

Your most amazing achievement recently is that you started crawling. I find myself watching you in awe and can't get over how far your little body and mind have come in just 5 months. You are growing so quickly and I think I spend 85% of my day just watching you because I am afraid of missing any part of anything you do.

One of your favorite past times is to listening as I read you books. You last about three pages and then you want to eat the book but you love for me to point at pictures and tell you the name of things. Often your little finger follows mine as I talk to you.

You started saying Bubba this week. So you are now up to three words. You say Mama and Dada and Bubba. You know you are Bubba or Bubbie and most times you know we are mama and Dada but usually you just like to call out the words and see who will respond to you.

Our dogs Pugsley and Molly are you best buddies. They always make you giggle and you love to touch them. Even in the middle of one of your screaming fits if Pugsley comes to your aide you will stop crying, giggle for a few seconds, and then continue with your fit. You love to feed them from your high chair and they love hearing your laughter.

Right now your are amazing me daily and doing awesome in healing your little mind, body and spirit. I pray for you each time I rock you to sleep so that you may know Jesus is in your life and that you may feel safe because of your knowledge of him. Although, I am still full of fear daily that this system we are in may fail you, I do find peace in knowing you are safe, happy and loved with us today.

I couldn't be happier or more proud to call you mine. I love you baby boy.
Mama