Should I feel guility?

Driving home after that meeting was a quiet and long car ride. We both had images of people telling their amazing adoptions stories in our heads and we were both wondering now how we got where we were. Finally the silence was broken when I said, "Is it bad that I am wondering what would have happened if we didn't take on Julian's case?" I could feel the tears fill my eyes from the guilt I felt as I said it out loud. It wasn't that I didn't live Julian. Just the opposite in fact. I loved him so much that I wanted nothing more than to give him our last name and make him ours forever. But that didn't stop me from replaying every moment we had lived up to this point and wonder....what if we had said no to this case?

My husband cleared his throat and said, "Don't feel guilty. I was wondering the same thing when we were sitting there." There was a tense tone in his voice and his body language made it obvious he didn't want to talk about it anymore tonight. I gently laid my hand on his leg just to let him know I understood his feelings and we drove the rest of the way home in silence.