My Gold Medalist

How many times has someone said, "You can always remember where you were when Kennedy was shot or when the challenger explosion happened." Why do we only remember where we were when bad events took place. Nobody has ever asked me where I was when Nelson Mandela was released from prison or asked me about my first dance with a boy. I pondered this recently because I was that one remembers what one chooses to celebrate and it was then that I thought back to one of my biggest celebrations so far in life.

I will never forget the day. It was cool September morning and Julian and I were up to our usual routine of breakfast and coffee together. Julian was full of spunk that morning. He wore his dark blue pajamas with feet in them and he sat in his highchair with a huge grin. He was eating a banana and he had figured out that he could throw food down to his best friends the pugs. Their snorting and sniffing around for anything he dropped made him giggle and unfortunately caused me to have to sit facing Julian's high chair to watch the shenanigans closely. So while Julian ate and watched my every move in hopes I would turn my head and he could feed his buddies, I drank my coffee and tried to keep from laughing or screaming at 5am. After what seemed like the longest breakfast ever, Julian and I made our way to the living room floor to play.

Our play started out as usual, with the blue fish mat. The blue mat that Julian laid on daily could be used for either tummy time or time on his back. That day we started with Julian laying on his back. There was arch above his head and from it hung little fish that made noise when buttons were pushed. Julian's giggle was loud as he and talked to each little fish and began reaching for them. I was still in a morning fog as this happened. I wasn't present in the moment. In fact I was spending much of the time staring out the back window and not even watching Julian. As I stretched and yawned, Julian cooed and babbled. Soon the babbles turned to whimpering and my attention was then placed back to Julian. He wasn't crying but he was frustrated with his position. I was frustrated with his position as well since he refused to change it for himself. I reached over and pulled his right leg across his body causing him to twist enough to flip over to his tummy. He loved being able to move and with great pride giggled and looked to me for praise. I smiled at him through my sleepy eyes and said," Good Job Bubbie!"

His little head dropped to his hands and he began to talk to them. Each misunderstood word was said as thought he was giving himself the pep talk I couldn't muster up for him. Then within seconds Julian began to army crawl toward a toy just a few feet in front of him. I was immediately taken from an almost zombie like state to adrenaline running through my veins like I was watching a gold medalist at the Olympics about to cross the finish line. With each movement Julian made, he grunted as though it took every ounce of energy he had to move forward. His little arms did all the work as he dragged his legs behind him. My eyes filled with tears as my son overcame his fear of moving. As the tears poured down my face I knew he would forever be changed by knowing his own strength He never looked back to see where I was or what I was doing. Instead he set his sights to a path that only he could take and he had to do it alone.

When Julian reached the toy he set out for he finally looked my way. I smiled through my tears but it was to late Julian saw me crying and so he joined me. Within seconds he was crying large crocodile tears and he had no idea why. I wiped my eyes in hopes to show him I was okay. I picked him up and set him on my lap facing me. I put my hands around his little face and wiped his tears with each thumb and said, "Mommy is so proud of you little man. You did it!"

From that day forward Julian never stopped moving and I never stopped being in awe of every move he made.

Julian Hears My Side

As Julian and I danced our way back to the house I began to wonder what kept Julian from wanting to crawl or move for that matter. His little legs went crazy when he was excited or mad and when he played on the floor with daddy he always seemed to wiggle around. I knew the problem couldn't be that he was still in pain because there was some movement. What I couldn't figure out is why he felt stuck.

Pulling into the garage of our home always brought a sense of relief for both of us. It was almost as if we both new we didn't have to deal with anyone outside our world for at least another day. As I took Julian out his seat his eyes were heavy and he was ready for a nap. It was a lot of work for him to be in physical therapy not to mention all the dancing that just took place in the car. I walked us in the house and imediatly started working on getting a bottle ready for him before his nap. As I heated up water and mixed in formula I told Julian my side of the story. I was talking to him like he was my partner in crime not like was my 9 month old son. I was explaining to him that he needed to be brave and start to move. I asked him why he didn't want to move? And with each word I spoke he listened with a look of seriousness in his eyes. I told him we didn't want to go to another appointment during the week and then I explained really it was me that didn't want to go. As he sat connected to my hip his arm looped around mine and he continued to stare at me with his huge brown eyes as though he were understanding every word. As soon as the bottle was ready he squealed and grabbed it out of my hand and it was at that point he was no longer listening to my words but instead concentrating on the warmth of formula in his hands and mouth. I couldn't help but smile at his excitment everytime he knew it was time to eat and with one squeal I forgot I was complaining to him.

We began to walk us up the stairs to his room. We sat in our favorite rocking chair. He held his bottle and I took off each one of his little socks and shoes. Soon we were both comfortable and as he lay in my left arm I caressed his little face not saying a word with my right hand. His eyes blinked as he tried to keep them open and soon he took his bottle out of his mouth and babbled a sentence to me. Although his words were only in a language he could understand I did know he was serious and not his usually silly self. Soon he stuck the bottle back in his mouth and put as hand on my face as if to tell me it was going to be okay.

When the bottle was empty I leaned Julian against my shoulder and sang to him. His little arms were on either side of my neck and one hand played with my hair. Soon his body felt heavy and I moved us from the chair and put him in his crib. He laid on his tummy, hugged his favorite blue blanket with Elmo on it, and within seconds he was in a deep sleep. I watched in for a few minutes as his little body took in deep breaths and as I walked out the room I asked God to help me with the next step, to help Julian.

What I didn't know it at the time was he already was. With his little sentence and his hand on my face Julian was letting me know that day that he knew it was time for us all to take the next step.

Our first Dance

The month of September brought a change of season and it was not only outside our window. Something was shifting in Julian. He had beat his way through broken bones, being bounced around in social service and even the nightmare of teething. He reacted poorly to getting immunizations and he struggled through learning how to roll over. During his 9 months of life he had fought more battles than most and so far he won all of them. He was my hero. I admired all the work he had done to survive. I watched him every day in amazement of his strength. I was proud of all he had overcome and I loved that I got to watch it all unfold.

For months Julian refused to roll over or even move at all. Each time his physical therapist taught him a different way to move his body he cried or threw up, sometimes both. It was almost as though fear would over shadow his need to move each time he tried. I would watch him week after week in physical therapy and wonder what he was thinking during the process. Often times he would start off happy and full of laughter but at the end of every session he was an unhappy baby and I was a worried mommy. I imagined his fear regularly. I almost felt it most days. Just the idea of moving his legs made him wince. His bones were broken for two weeks before he was taken to the doctor and what that told this innocent child was moving my legs hurts to much. Now even though the bones had healed the damage all those days of pain caused his psyche hadn't even begun to heal his emotional wounds.
Julian won the first battle by finally rolling over. Both his physical therapist, Denise, and I thought crawling would soon follow because he had figured out that moving gave him some sort of freedom. But it had been a month since he first rolled over and each time we went to physical therapy, Julian still kept refusing to move. During our first physical therapy session in September, Denise asked me if he was moving at home more than he was with her. I told her I hadn't seen much movement from him except that he rolls over in his crib at night and I wasn't even sure that it was intentional. Her face was full of concern about Julian's progress. I wasn't sure where her thoughts were but I knew both of us were worried about where we were in this movement game with Julian. While most children at 9 months are crawling and starting to try to walk Julian still enjoyed his slug pose. He usually still just laid on his back or tummy and never seemed to want much more.
As we both watched him through his session the concern just grew in both of us. By the end of the appointment Julian was once again crying and I was just as frustrated with the process. As I began to gather our things and put Julian's sweater on him Denise, dropped the bomb shell of a life time on me. She said," I think there is something else wrong with him. He should be moving more. We may need to run some more tests and think about occupational therapy as well. He is giving me signs of a drug addicted baby and that wasn't tested a birth. Do you know if mom was a drug user?" My heart sunk as I looked at her. I responded with a simple head shake to say I had no idea. I looked at her and then at Julian. By this time his tears had stopped and he was grinning ear to ear letting all six teeth show. As I glanced back at her she said," I know this seems scary to you but we have to figure out why he isn't moving. I will request his X-rays from the originally injuries to see if I see something there. I don't think its his bones, I think it is all in his head. So maybe the extra occupational therapy could help or if we find out mom was drug addicted we might have a bigger issue." I was in shock over the drug addiction comments and hated the idea of another therapy but I also knew I would do anything if it meant helping Julian. I told her to let me know what she needed and I would do it. I trusted Denise. She seemed to be the only one in this mess that saw me as Julian's mommy and more importantly I also knew she had Julian's best interest at heart.
As I packed us into the car to head home Julian's chatter began. He had already forgot the tears that fell during physical therapy. He had moved on to telling me more stories. As my mind race about if my child had been drug addicted or what more therapy meant for us emotionally and physically, Julian bounced around in his car seat with a cookie in his hand.
Without thinking I reached down and turned up the radio. I think I was trying to drown out my own thoughts. Then without thinking I began to sing along to the radio. As I sang I glance in the rear view mirror only to see Julian bobbing and weaving in his seat as if he was dancing to the music. I giggled and asked him if he was dancing, he gave me a cookie filled smile and giggled and then kicked his feet as if to say this was his favorite song. It was then that I got the idea that music might be what got this little munchkin to move.

Will I become a Lifetime Movie?

With everyday that passed Julian and I grew stronger and stronger as a team. We had beat our way through 6 teeth that brought with them high fevers, a snotty nose and screams that made me think I need to hold an exorcism so he could release the demon that possessed him. We fought our way through physical therapy and visits with the bios. We looked the enemies of nap time schedules and social services in the eye and we came out winners. Yet with each victory a small voice still stirred in the back of mind saying."Betty Rose isn't working hard enough for him. We still don't have anymore pieces to this puzzle than we did the day we got him." And so with that mental tape continually playing in my mind, I continued a relationship with Ashley.

We talked regularly through email. I had grown very found of her and not just her bravery and willingness to give her child up for adoption. I admired how she looked at life, how smart she was for being so young and how she made me laugh. She asked me many questions about how I would raise her child? She was happy we were Christians and she loved hearing our story of resilience through our marriage. She asked about my family of origin and I answered each one of her questions honestly and deep down was hoping I was giving her the right answers. We saw similarities woven into our pasts. The similarities were sometimes so close it was almost as though we shared the same story. We loved to joke around and make each other laugh through our banter about life. I was excited to have a new friend in Ashley and if I was honest I wanted her to be excited for me to take her child.

I wasn't that I didn't love Julian because I don't think I could have loved him more if I had given birth to him. The desire to have Ashley choose me as her baby's mommy came from the deepest parts of me that just wanted to be a mommy to a child. Sure I was Julian's mommy but the question was still there...would I always be? Not knowing the answer to that question drove me to know Ashley and have her know me. The desire grew stronger with each sentence Ashley and I shared. I never once felt like she wasn't honest in what she was saying. Even when I asked the hard questions about family life, past drug usage and even the baby's father. She wanted me to know the truth about who she was and how much loved her child. I also think she wanted me to be able to tell her child her mothers story if she chose me.

Each time we talked I day dreamed at the idea of getting her child at birth. I had visions of that day in the hospital and my husband and I holding the baby for the first time. I thought about birthdays and holidays and Ashley sharing in them and still being in the picture. It wasn't just the baby we would be bringing into our family with that baby came Ashley and that was just as exciting to me. She wanted an open adoption and although I wasn't totally sure what that meant the idea seemed emotionally safer for me than the situation I was in now, and after knowing Ashley's heart I was all for it. The only thing that weighed heavy on our minds was what was going to happen with Julian's case?

One night while chatting online with one another, Ashley asked me what would happen if she chose me and we kept Julian. I laughed as I read her words on the computer screen because I began to envision me having two kids under two years of age running around like little gremlins fed after midnight. Wouldn't that be irony at its best....us being a family of two without children, then to quickly become a family of four with two babies in the house. Not to mention the added flavor or neither one of the children looking like us. As I played it in my head it almost seemed like a sitcom in the making. Then the reality set in for me. I remembered just a few days before yelling at Julian in the car. What if the stress sends me over the edge. Could I handle two babies? What if Ashley's baby screamed daily like Julian? I knew I couldn't handle two constantly screaming children. All of the sudden my sitcom had gone to a Lifetime movie ending with me in an orange jump suit. After all my story would be a perfect Lifetime movie. I could visualize the commercial, "After years of trying to be a mother...She snaps from dealing with two screaming infants," and my mug shot is seen with my husband crying in background. I shook off the Lifetime vibes and typed back to Ashley," I don't know what is going to happen with Julian, but I do know I would be blessed to have both babies in my home."

Another No Show

Saturday visits were at a new location because the county building is not open on Saturdays. A contracted company helps the county by offering weekend and late night services for those biological parents that work during the day. The upside to this arrangement for me is that all the social workers that I didn't like to deal with were not there on Saturdays. The downside for me was I was handing my son to yet another complete stranger that would then evaluate a situation they were just coming into 5 months into this case.
Julian and I drove into the parking lot full of darkness and hopelessness. Both of us knew I had failed him and I knew I had let the enemy win this last round. As I parked at the bottom of a hill behind this building I found our new parking spot. This one wasn't labeled "Foster Parent Parking" but it was obvious which entrance was ours. We always went in the back door like a couple of people on the run from the law. I often wondered why it was us sneaking in when we hadn't done anything wrong.
I turned the car off and took a deep breath hoping to breath in a new view on life. Instead I just exhaled but kept every terrible thought I was telling myself running on a continual tape in my head. I looked back at Julian and he was staring out the window. Unbuckling my seat belt I wiped the tears off my face and opened my door. As I opened Julian's door I was glancing around the parking lot for the bios car. I had figured out over the last couple of visits what to look for and the car wasn't there. My heart skipped a beat at the idea that they might not show. I ducked into the car to get Julian out of his seat and our eyes met. As I unbuckled him I smiled and said, "Bubbie I am so sorry. Mommy shouldn't have yelled at you." I grabbed him out of the car and swung him on my hip. I put my free hand on his face and pulled his cheek in for a kiss. As soon as my hand touched his skin he was smiling from ear to ear. His four front teeth showed and he giggled. I knew Julian had forgiven me. I giggled back at him and then checked my watch. We were walking in right on time.
Walking in the door I was already concerned about leaving Julian here. A musty odor filled my nose upon opening the door. There were six school room looking chairs placed around the very tiny room. There were posters on the wall advertising free vaccinations for children and reading classes for adults. There wasn't a receptionist just a big sign on the door that said, "Please wait here." There were toys in the room for all ages but they were broken and filthy. I took a seat and put Julian on my lap. He sat quietly as I glanced around wondering how anyone would even know we were there. Julian was chattering and as I took in the scenery. Next to our chair sat a small bookcase full of children's books. I am sure they had been donated or left behind by children because most of the books had names on them showing whom they belonged to. Above the book case was a small window that gave view to a playground, there wasn't must to see on the playground, only a swing set and slide. The toys were scattered throughout the room as if children had already been there playing. There were not any sounds downstairs except for the humming of the fluorescent lights and Julian's chatter, but upstairs I could hear people moving around.
Soon there was a third person in the room with us. I young female that looked like she was a teenager. She said,"This must be Julian." I said,"Yes it is. Are you the social worker?" She smiled and said,"Yes, I was going to be but the bios haven't shown up yet." My heart began pumping with force and excitement was flowing through my veins. I said well "Betty Rose only gives them 10 minutes before she cancels the visit." She glanced at the big clock on the wall and said, "Okay, well they have three minutes lets see if they show up. I will be back down in a few minutes to give you an update." Already I liked this social worker better than any other and it didn't matter that she looked sixteen years old. She had no idea I loved that they weren't showing up but I am sure the excitment was seen in my eyes. I smiled and thanked her and she walked away.
For the next three minutes I watched the clock. Every second that ticked by felt like an entire day. I was hoping for them to not show up. I wanted them to get in trouble for missing a visit. Especially since they had just seen Julian the day before. There couldn't be any excuse that Betty Rose would find okay for them missing today. I pondered what they could possibly say to her that she would find excusable. Nothing I thought of would be okay with her and to be honest no excuse would have been okay with me either. After the intial excitment passed I became angry and this time not for me but for Julian. How could they miss this time with him? Was yesterday to much for them? What could they possibly be saying to themselves that its okay for them to miss time with this child?
Soon the sixteen year old social worker came back down and said, "Well looks like we are not having a visit today. I have tried calling them and the phone number I have has been disconnected. So you guys can go." I almost didn't have words I was so thrilled. I stood up and said to Julian, "Come on little man lets go home." He smiled at me and said, "Dada!" I laughed and said,"When are you gonna say Mama?" The social worker watched us walk out the door. Julian and I both waived good bye to her and left. Leaving her laughing at our interaction.
The drive home was different for both Julian and I. We were free of the demons that followed us to the visit. Julian sat in his seat and told me his usual stories and I filled in when he went silent with my usual, "Are you telling me stories again?" Or "You don't really believe that do you?" He laughed every time I spoke and then would tell me another leg of his adventure. By the time we got home Julian and I both needed a nap.
Julian and I started a nap time routine, but this time as I fed Julian his bottle before his nap I enjoyed every second of it. I stared into his eyes and him into mine and we were both back to feeling safe and happy. After his bottle I laid Julian in his bed and he was out before his head hit the sheets. I laid my hand on his back and I prayed for him. I asked God to keep him safe adn I asked they he always stay with him. After my Amen, I walked just a few steps to my room laid in our bed and smiled as I thought about my little man sleeping in the next room. The last thought before I drifted off to sleep was, I can't wait until the Judge hears they didn't show up again.

STOP SCREAMING JULIAN

After a restless nights sleep, Julian and I got up to get ready for the first Saturday visit. Julian's teething is making him very cranky. Anytime this kid feels pain we all feel it. He has begun to run a fever and has a runny noise. He has found that a continual state of whiny gets my attention and so for the three hours he is up before we leave he whimpers. We are both tired and frustrated with life and it shows with each movement we make.
Julian has also been throwing up more than usual. Although I can't be total sure, my guess is because the formula he was fed yesterday by the bios was not soy. As I try and give him his morning bottle he begins to drink but tears are still falling down his face. Holding Julian during feedings is usual my favorite part of the day but today I am full of anxiety and I find myself distracted from our special time. I can tell I need a break from Julian and from social services but I also know I can't have one.
My husband is up and roaming the house trying to get ready for work, he pops his head into Julian room where we sit in the rocking chair. "Hello My Lil Monkey," he says in a high pitched voice to Julian. Julian looks over the bottle and gives a smile behind the nipple still feeding him. My husband walks over to us and kisses my forehead. Without thinking I pull away from him. He says, "Are you okay?" I fake a smile and say, "Yeah I am fine." Both of knew I wasn't fine, I wasn't even okay. He said,"Well I gotta go you two have a good day. Call me after the visit and let me know how it goes." I shook my head at him as if to tell him okay but inside I was screaming. I wanted him to deal with all this today. I couldn't take another day. I needed him to figure out the feelings behind dealing with social services. Maybe he could take the punches for awhile and I could have a break. I was breaking and I could feel the cracks in marriage getting wider, because I was beginning to resent my husband for something that none of us could fix.
Julian finished his bottle with less tears. With a clean diaper and the proper clothing for visitation days, but not for summer, we were in the car for another 45 minute drive. Most of the way Julian cried. I kept telling myself it was just his teeth but the screaming was continual and when Julian screams because he is in pain, there is no mistaking it for another need he might have. I could feel the tension in my body rising. The logical thought process would be for me to understand what is going on and be able to sooth him and hope he falls asleep. The tired, strung out mom in me wanted to slam on the breaks in the middle of the highway and get out and punch something or someone! I felt myself losing control. My hands were tight around the steering wheel and my blood was racing through my veins. And then I found myself in the darkest place a mother could go I was screaming at the child I loved. As I banged my hands on the steering wheel I screamed, "What, What do you want! STOP CRYING JULIAN!" Then out of sheer terror I am sure Julian went silent. When I looked back it him I saw the fear in his big brown eyes. I remembered back to a day that I hoped I would never see that fear in his eyes again. The same fear he showed me the day I took him home. And that is when I was snapped back into reality and once again found myself crying in the car.
I cried all the way to the visit and Julian sat like a stone statue. He had turned off and disconnected from life. I had left the feelings of anxiety and fear about the visit behind and had begun to fill my head with guilt. By the time we got to the visit both of us were lost in a reality neither of us liked and both of us were afraid of what I had become.

Making it to a Safe Haven

Picking up Julian that day was just as hard as dropping him off. As Sandy and Julian headed my way I could feel the anxiety rising in my body. I was hoping it wouldn't be her bringing him back to me. I wasn't even looking at her because my eyes were glued to Julian. I was trying to read his face and body language, looking for some clue on how the bios did with a two hour visit. If only I had some super human mind reading skills right now! The rims of his eyes were red it was hard to tell if it was because it was two hours past nap time and he was tired or he had been crying. As they got closer to me I saw his hair had been braided and his clothes had been changed. It was always amazing to me that they spent their two hours with him doing his hair. If I only had two hours in a day with Julian the last thing I would be worried about was his hair and clothes. I would want to tickle his belly until I heard his amazing belly laugh and see all the progress he had made in his movement. I would want one of his slobbery open mouth kisses on my cheek or for him just to fall asleep in my arms but I wouldn't care what he was wearing or if his hair was combed.
I took a deep breath as if to relax myself as Sandy was just two steps away from me. Her face was serious and I could tell nothing she was about to say to me would please me. As they finally stood in front of me I reached out my hands to take Julian. His eyes lit up as I said, "Hi baby. How did it go?" He smiled his big smile and leaned into me as if he could finally relax. As I kissed his head I could smell the usual scent of mothballs that came with him coming back from a visit. I finally made eye contact with Sandy and braced myself for her comments. She said,"Mom wants to know why his hair is so dry? She suggests you use this product and this comb." I said, "Really? That is all they said?" She handed me a bottle of hair product and a black wide tooth comb. She said,"Yes that's all I am going to relate to you. They can't wait for their visit tomorrow so be on time." I rolled my eyes behind my dark sun glass and spit out, "I am not the one that is ever late. Good bye." This time I spun on my heels with my heart in my arms and walked away.
As I put Julian in the car seat he started to cry. I handed him his favorite blanket but it didn't help. Maybe he could feel my insecurity about the situation, maybe he was tired. He cried for 35 minutes while I drove us home. My mind was in over drive and my thoughts were all over the place, what did that mean, "it was all she was going to relate to me?" Was there more? What did she know...Oh my goodness will this kid just stop screaming! I can't take the screaming! Then just when I thought I was going to lose my mind and snap on this child because of the stress, Julian fell asleep and the car was quiet. The silence should have brought me peace but for the remaining ten minutes of our ride home while Julian slept, I cried. I was tired and felt weak, I didn't know how much more I could take from social services. My life was turning down a road I didn't want to go down and Sandy was a constant reminder. If the bios had an allies in both Betty Rose and Sandy how could we win this battle. Would they really send this child back to these people?
I pulled into the garage of our home, wiped the tears away, pulled my sleeping son out of his car seat and walked into my safe haven. It was only within the walls of our home that I felt safe from social services. This is where our family lived and thrived. This is where we laughed and cuddled and grew. To me this was where I found peace.
Julian didn't wake up when I took him out of his car seat so his sleeping little body laid against mine. He was breathing deep and his body was warm to the touch. I walked us both upstairs to his room and I sat in the rocking chair next to his crib. I couldn't bring myself to let him go and to put him in his crib that day. I needed to hold on to him, to feel him in my arms. So for the next hour we both just rocked in the chair and I began to pray. This time my prayers weren't for me but only for Julian. I prayed God watch over him and the baby his biological mother was caring. I prayed for Julian safety and asked that he always feel safe. I prayed that God would guide the adults in this case to find the missing pieces to the puzzle for these children and as I said each word I was full of fear for all of us and warm tears fell from my eyes onto my child.

Sandy Believes In Them

The first two hour visits started in mid August. Every Friday and Saturday the bios spent two hours a day with him. On Friday's the visits were at same county building. The biggest difference that happened during these visits was Sandy, the life skills worker, participated in them. Her job was to translate directions into Spanish for the bios and also to teach them how to read Julian's cues on when he was tired or hungry etc. For me, the idea that Sandy was a part of these visits was a nightmare in the making. The idea that I had to deal with her made me feel like I needed a one way ticket to crazy town, and the sad part was I had only met her the one time. Unfortunately she was kind enough to confirmed my fears that first Friday visit on August 17th.

As we pulled into the back parking lot I saw Sandy. My heart began to pound from the anxiety of having to deal with her. I watched her briefly as she chatted with her coworkers. They laughed together and I saw a glimpse of a new person. I sat and wondered what they were talking about, what made her laugh like that? Was there some magic in that conversation that I could use to combat her negativity toward me? It wasn't long before she made eye contact with me as I pulled into the dreaded "foster parent" parking space. She was obviously waiting for us because she waved at me and headed our way, leaving her friends and smile behind.

Julian was in the back seat sleeping. He was so tired during these visits because they were scheduled during his usual nap time. I looked in the rear view mirror to check on him and instead of seeing my sleeping baby I saw Sandy was well on her way over. As soon as I turned the car off Julian woke up crying probably because he was unaware of where he was. I unbuckled my seat belt and started to get out of the car when I heard the back car door open. It was Sandy opening the car to get Julian. Before I could think clearly I snapped at her and said, "I will get him!" Almost pushing her out of my way I began to sing to Julian as I bent over into the back seat. The singing was to help him from crying, on of those cues nobody taught me about him. It worked he was all smiles as soon as our eyes met and he heard my terrible rendition of Jesus Loves Me.

I unbuckled him out of the car seat and pulled him out. As I turned around Sandy was standing directly behind me so close I could smell her mint gum. She gave us no room to move before she started talking to Julian in Spanish while touching his face. She was telling him how cute he was and asking him if he was excited to see his mommy and daddy. Her jesters were trying to pull Julian out of my arms but his were obviously to stay right where he was, with his MOMMY. As I said excuse me to her, to get her to back up so I could close the car door, she took one step back and said, "So how is his moving coming along? Are you putting him in a walker?" I am sure if my head could have turned on its axis and pea soup could have flown her way it would have. I was so angry with the question that my neck went purple almost within seconds. Had she not learned her lesson from the last time we talked?

I knew no matter what I said it was going to come out mean and nasty. I felt it in my core to just rip her head clean off her body. As I went through my card catalog of sarcastic answers the only thing I could figure out to say was,"He is doing fine." My own words didn't even sound good enough for me so I couldn't believe she accepted that answer, but she did. I looked down at my little man and his eyes were bouncing back and forth from me to Sandy then back to me. He knew he had to go with her and his face seemed dark by the idea. I put my had on his cheek and kissed him on his forehead. Trying to ease his fears I said to him,"I will be back in two hours." His little face lit up as if he knew I would be back. Sandy took him out of my arms and said,"Is there anything they need to be doing during this time?" I rolled my eyes in disgust and said,"He needs a bottle and it HAS TO BE SOY. If they can show up to this visit and give him soy formula it will be a first."

I could tell Sandy disliked me as much as I did her. She gave me a weak smile and spun around on her heals to leave. I watched her walk back into the county building with my heart in her arms and I asked God to help me not run after them. I hated that she even touched him. I hated it more that she spoke Spanish to him and called the bios mommy and daddy. More than anything I hated that she was on their side. She believed in them and I could tell.

Dada

As the long hot days of August passed so did my anger. I still struggled daily with all my worries and concerns about our future as a family but I also tried to remain present for every minute I had with Julian. He was changing so quickly and I knew I needed to remember these moments for him. He would someday ask me questions about his first months of life with us and I would need to remember. Not to mention I didn't want to miss anything he did!

One evening he and I were having dinner together just the two of us. My husband was on his way home from work but Julian couldn't wait for anyone if it was feeding time. As I sat in front of him in his highchair I was listening to him talk. Between each bite, he would continue his conversation. Some sentences were very serious and some made him giggle. I just listened in awe and when he would let me I would say things like"I know what you mean" or "You don't say!" His eyes would light up like a full moon every time I said something back to him and then he would respond in only a language he could understand. He loved the interaction and the idea of being able to tell his story and I loved hearing it!

Just as we were getting to the end of dinner we both heard the garage door open. Julian began to wave his hands in excitment because he knew it meant daddy was home. I tried to give him the last bite of food but his excitement got the best of him and he began to squeal at the idea of seeing his partner in crime. I wiped his face and hands and took him out of the chair. Just as I slid him on my hip the door into the kitchen opened and Julian reached his hands out to my husband as if to say hurry up and take me and then he yelled out,"Dada!" A look of shock came over my husbands face because it was the first time Julian had called either of us anything. At first it didn't register with me what had just happened until I saw the joy in my husbands eyes.
As I did a quick instant replay in my mind my eyes locked with Julian's and I said to him,"Who is that" while pointing to my husband. A look of confusion came over his face as if to say...uh I just told ya but he looked at my husband and again and said,"Dada!"

My husband was so excited he came and scooped Julian up from arms and began their evening rough housing ritual. I watched them for awhile as they played in the living room. Julian putting on his charm and telling his dad about his day. While my husband listened intently having no idea what Julian was talking about. It was an amazing sight. While the two of them played I stood at the sink washing dishes and looking out the window and daydreamed out our future. I could see it in my mind. The way it was suppose to be. It was suppose to be just like this. Julian full of joy to see his daddy and me watching my two favorite guys play. I couldn't wait to hear Betty Rose tell me that Julian was going to be ours forever!

Yelling at God

I was standing in the kitchen and leaning against the counter top when my body could no longer hold in the emotions. I felt my knees becoming weak as I numbly walked to the kitchen table. I fell into a chair and as my butt hit the seat my eyes filled with tears and I began to weep. I had no more words yet I knew my brother was waiting for my response on the other end of the phone. I heard him clear his throat and he knew each word he had spoken broken my heart for so many reasons. He then said,"I am so sorry. I wasn't sure I should tell you but knew you needed to know." I wiped the tears from my face and tried to gather any words I could put together in sentence and then responded,"No, I am glad you told me. I may not have ever heard this information if you didn't tell me. I gotta go so I will call you later, okay?" He sounded just as heart broken as I felt when he said,"Yeah you do that. Bye sis."

I only hung up that day to spare him hearing me break into a million small pieces on the phone. Only one of us needed to feel like that and it wasn't him. Before those words I thought I couldn't be broken any more than I already was. I was so angry with Betty Rose for not telling me this information. This was a huge part to the case. If her motivation was to reunify this family what did that mean for Julian and this unborn child? How far along was she? Would social services take this baby away from them? What if they didn't? Would they hurt this child as well? How long had I been kept in the dark about this? Did this give the bios a better chance at getting Julian back?

My mind was racing and tears kept falling. I moved on in my thoughts and away from the fact that this child may be in danger. Instead I began to feel sorry for myself. Not because I may lose Julian but because this woman was given yet another chance at motherhood. She had already lost a baby in Honduras. Julian was living in my home because she was considered unfit and yet God still gave her another chance with this baby. And worse in my mind was that God had left my life in this chaos. Not knowing if I was going to keep this child I had in my home and wondering if he would be taken from me at any moment. Not to mention he never ever blessed me with one pregnancy much less three I would take for granted. What had I done to deserve all this?

I walked outside in our back yard with the phone still in my hand. I knew I didn't want to wake Julian but I also knew I had a few things to say to God and it was going to get loud. As soon as the sliding glass door closed and the hot August air hit my face I began to yell out loud,"Are you fucking kidding me here dude?" My head was raised to sky and my hands in the air and I was pissed. I began to yell at God,"I followed your stupid plan here. You lead me down this path and I followed. You told me NO...loud and clear when I wanted to conceive a child. Then you gave my this child and I loved him as you wanted. I made him my own from the moment I saw him. I have taken every shitty comment and followed every rule that social services has given me. Now you throw this at me? YOU GAVE HER ANOTHER CHILD! How many punches can I take before I am broken enough for you? I am done here...I can't do it anymore! Just have these idiots at social services make a decision. I don't care what it is at this point." I dropped to my knees and sobbed. I began begging to a God I was sure wasn't there anymore,"Just make a DAMN decision! To your will be done right? That is what I am suppose to say? Whatever...you don't love me. You couldn't put someone you love through all this. Are you even there?" As my words stopped the only thing that could be heard for miles was my broken heart pouring out through my eyes and sobs. At one point I was laying on my back in the grass and I noticed my neighbor looking down at me through bedroom window. I couldn't stop the tears so I just rolled on my stomach in hopes that she would just go on about her day and never ask me about this.

I sat outside and cried until I no longer had anymore tears. It seemed as the Julian could feel just when my tear well had run dry because he woke up. I moved from our backyard that day but I stayed numb and full of anger for much longer.

Another one on the way

I couldn't sleep the night before the court hearing. I knew my brother was attending this court date and I was worried about what he would see or hear. I wanted to be there myself but knew I needed to follow Betty Rose's rules in order to keep her happy with us. I hoped my brother would find out something that gave us some insight to the case. Something that showed us that the Judge really knew what was going on here. I also hoped that my brothers cover wasn't blown. That the parents didn't figure out who he was. I was worried about his safety as well. I tossed and turned all night, full of anticipation for the following day.

It felt like I had just closed my eyes when I heard my little man bellowing from the other room. He words were unclear but his motives were never in question, it was time to eat! As I went through our routine my mind raced. I was going through the motions of feeding Julian and even smiling at the times I needed to for Julian. But my mind was just a few miles away in a court room I had never been in. As I cleaned up Julian and his high chair the phone rang. It was my brother.

I could feel his nervous energy through the phone. He was just calling to reassure me that he would be at the court house at 1:30pm and that he would call me as soon as it was over. We talked about all the possibilities and with each worry I had he confirmed he to had the same worries. I thanked him again for doing this for me and we hung up. The rest of my morning was a bit like a dream state. Julian and I went through our normal routine. We even took the pugs for a walk that morning in hopes to run off some of nervous energy. But each move I made was clouded by my own thoughts of what was going to happen. I wasn't even really present in anything I did.

I had just put Julian down for his mid afternoon nap when the phone rang. I jumped at the sound of the ring. It was my brother. I could tell by his tone I wasn't going to like what he had to say. He began by telling me he knew who the bios where immediately because Julian looks just like the father. My stomach ached of the thought of seeing them together and matching their eyes to one another. Then my brother went on to say,"It was really hard to hear everything because I had to sit so far back because there were so many people there. The other issue was there was a Spanish speaking translator speaking for both the parents, their lawyers and the Judge. It was hard to follow who was saying what?" I was frustrated with the process already and my brother had barely spoken a few sentence.

I let out a huge sigh and said,"Describe the dad, did he look dangerous?" I was shocked by my own words. The entire night before I tossed and turned over questions about the case and instead of diving right into those details I went with, what is dad like? My brother responded with a giggle as well, almost as if he was reading my mind,"Well he does look thuggish. But not as bad as I was thinking. He was softer than I pictured. She is really tiny as well. They both seemed very clean and I know you don't want to hear this but they seemed scared." As the words hit my ears I noticed that I could feel the heat rising in my body. I felt the red splotches attacking my chest, I knew I was turning purple. I even began to shake my head like a dog right of the water. What was he talking about? They looked scared? Scared of what? They didn't even care about Julian or did they? I was stuttering with a response," Scared? Really?" And he said,"Yeah, they hardly looked up the entire time. Even when the judge was speaking to them directly."

I was imagining what they looked like as they sat behind the long tables I had seen in the Law and Order Court room. The two of them looking like two scared children. I had envisioned him so hard and cold all this time. What if I was wrong? He was scared? How could this be? Shouldn't he be yelling back at the judge with a few F bombs? Maybe some gang signs? Saying things like, "You will never take my kid away from me? It's my kid!" Yeah I am sure I had seen that Law and Order episode. Instead he was sitting there with his head down looking scared!
I was now shaking in fear. If they really had hearts....how would we ever win this?

With that thought hanging in my mind like the American Flag on a battle field, my brother cleared his throat and said,"Uh sis, one more thing. " I was almost in tears and the anxiety in my chest was causing my heart to pound so loud I was sure it was going to wake up Julian from his deep sleep, even though he was on the second floor. But with reservations I said,"What else?" He said,"The bio mom...well she is pregnant again."

Each Morning With Julian

My world was full of chaos when it came to living with Betty Rose and social services. Nothing was going fast enough and things were being told to us that didn't seem to match up with what we were seeing for ourselves. I lived daily with the worry of losing my child. I couldn't imagine life without him at this point. From the moment I saw him on this first day I knew our souls were meant to find one another yet I was so unsure about what everyone else in our world was thinking about our destiny.

Through all the chaos the only thing I could see was Julian. He and I spent everyday together. I watched him grow into the little gem he had become. Each morning he and I would wake up together bright and early, most mornings the sun wasn't even awake yet. I would hear loud and clear from the next room that he was awake and ready to get our day started. Just as I knew his morning wake up call, he knew I had to get my glasses on and go to the bathroom before I could get him. He would stay quiet for just those few minutes I was allowed to take care of those two things. As soon as he heard the toilet flush the morning chatter began. If I took longer than he thought reasonable then the chatter got louder and louder until almost on the verge of a cry. But I loved just those few minutes of chatter from the bathroom to his room. It made every morning full of sunshine...even the dark mornings.

After a good morning smooch and diaper change for him, we headed downstairs with the pugs for breakfast. Julian loves to eat which put me on a very tight schedule because he wasn't patient when it came to eating. Our routine started with me handing him his own spoon. He would babble and play with his spoon as I fed the dogs and worked on getting him the baby food that we were slowly trying to introduce. He was a big fan of veggies and bananas. I loved feeding him bananas because with each bite he would let out an..MMMMM! It didn't matter how many times he did it, I laugh every time. He wouldn't know why I was laughing but he would smile back at me with a mouth full of bananas. His MMMMM sound...my favorite noise in the morning, well that and the coffee pot brewing to help me get going!

Once his belly was full we played. We were still working on his physical therapy and although he had rolled over in his sleep once he still was struggling with it consistently and so we practiced rolling over and sitting up on his own. Although, my ultimate goal was to get him to figure out how strong he really was physically, I couldn't help but try everything in my power to get him to giggle. There were many times I looked in Julian's face and didn't see my own and wished I did. But when it came to smiling and his laughter, I knew it was my smile and my laughter he had. I gave him those two things. Some mornings we both laughed so hard we cried....it was those times that kept me from losing myself in the chaos. It was also those times that I feared losing the most. I knew I wanted to be the one that made him laugh like that every morning of his life. I just hoped soon the judge would hear the truth and she too would see he needed us as much as we needed him.

Court Hearings

Court hearings were the one thing that we were told we shouldn't participate in. In our training they mentioned it several times that going to the court hearings made it more emotional for the legal risk parent. It was best to trust the system and the child's social worker to their jobs. We agreed that we didn't need more of a roller coaster ride then we were already living but we did have concerns as to what was really going on in court. When we asked Betty Rose if we should start going to court she told us there was really no reason for us to be there. And so we trusted her in the beginning.


The court hearings happened once a month. Betty Rose would usually come to our home for her monthly home visit the week before the court hearing to get an update on Julian's progress. She never took notes or even asked many questions. Instead she just got the highlight show and then spent the remaining time hugging and kissing Julian. We never knew what her agenda was for going to court until after the court hearing and I would call her for an update. Her updates were usually short and non-informational.

After the bio parents had missed their first two hour visit I needed to know about these mysterious court hearings. I needed to know what Betty Rose was telling the judge. I knew I could ask her but Betty Rose was always full of excuses for why things weren't moving along the way we wanted and why she couldn't tell us what had happened in the court hearing. I finally decided to take matters into my own hands. I knew that my husband nor I could go to the court hearing because we didn't want our identities known to the bios. We were still under the impression that Julian's biological father was dangerous. We didn't want them to know who we were just in case he truly was the dangerous man we had been lead to believe he was. Finally, after much discussion between my husband and I we decided I should ask my brother to help us out.

As the phone rang and I waited for my brother to answer I began to notice how nervous I was. I knew my brother would help us but I also knew what I was asking. I was asking him to do something I didn't even have the guts to do myself. Not only that what if the bios figured out who my brother was? Would that evil father retaliated? I didn't know any of the answers to my questions but I did know I needed to figure out what happened in these court hearings. Then he answered, "Hey Sis, Whats up?" I giggled at the sound of his voice. I always do. He always sounds like he is putting on a stand up show in some comedy club. He is the one guy that can make a cloudy day seem sunny for me with just a hello! I said,"Well I need your help." I stuttered over what I wanted and explained how I needed him to go to court and why I couldn't go. I rambled on about needing details and wanting him to gather them for me. It was an awkward exchange of words. My voice trembled with emotion. I was full of fear about the case and you could hear it in each word that left my lips.

After a few minutes of me rambling he said,"Uhhh this seems weird. But sure I will go." I sighed in relief and then thanked him about a hundred times. We talked about the details. What time he should be there, who he was looking for and what to pay attention to. As we got off the phone I wondered why he thought it was weird. I didn't even ask him. I was just so relieved to have someone going for us. As I put the phone back on the receiver Julian began crying. Probably because he wasn't the center of my world at that moment. I leaned over him and grabbed his little face in my hands and said,"I love you Bubbie and we are gonna win this thing if it kills me." He had no idea what my words meant but he loved it when I put his little face in my hands. And so he showed me his big two and half teeth smile and I wiped the tears from his eyes and we both went on with our day.

I was full of anxiety that entire week. Betty Rose showed up for her scheduled visit to our home that Wednesday and Thursday was the court hearing. She asked about Julian's progress physically. I told her about physical therapy and then explained that we were still having a formula issues with the bios and that they hadn't shown up for their first two hour visit. She told me that when she finally got a hold of them on the phone, after they missed the visit. They told her that nobody explained to them when the visits were going to start. I saw the frustration in her eyes when she said to me,"I told them FOUR times personally. I even had a translator tell them in Spanish. So that is FIVE times that they heard they were suppose to be there" Her frustrated tone was like miracle grow to my hopes of the bios never getting Julian back. I looked for every ounce of hope she ever gave me and when she was frustrated with them I was pleased. I asked her that day if she would tell the judge that they hadn't shown up and she said it would all be in her report.

For the first time I heard her refer to a report given to the judge. I wondered why I had never seen one before. When I asked for a copy of the reports she had already given the judge during past court hearings she said they weren't allowed to be seen by the FOSTER FAMILY. And with that all the hope I felt just breaths before were now crushed by Betty Rose. I let her words get to me every time. And I didn't know how to not let them beat me up. I said to her,"Well that is interesting that I can't see them since I thought his file was open to us. We already read the entire thing. There isn't much that could be in those reports that would be considered confidential seeing as that we are the ones giving you the information." She rolled her eyes as if I was asking for to much from her once again. She answered me by simply saying,"You can't see them."

It was very frustrating for us to deal with Betty Rose. The frustration was compounded when it came to the legalities of the case because we weren't sure the judge was hearing the entire truth about Julian's case. There were so many things we considered red flags about the bios. Like the fact that the bios never confessed or figured out how Julian was injured. Or that they were not showing up for visits. They came to three visits out of the four they had a month. There was also the fact that for months we were trying to get them to bring formula for Julian that was soy based because he was allergic to other formulas. The bios couldn't figure this issue out and continually gave him regular formula during visits and then we dealt with the sick baby aftermath. I even went as far as to bring them an empty can of formula so they could just match it at the store. Yet that just confused things further and then they either never brought him formula or still brought the wrong formula. It was these kind of things a judge should hear so she could tell what kind of parents these people really were. What would happen if they got him back and they continued to give him the wrong formula or they forgot to pick him up somewhere three out of four times a month?

As Betty Rose was leaving that day I asked again, "Would it be a good idea for me to come to court and talk to the judge?" A look of terror came over her face as she said,"It is not necessary. The judge won't speak to you anyway. She only reads my reports and talks to the parents." And so I once again trusted her at her word and stuck with my plan to send my brother.

Another No Show

We went as a family to the first Friday two hour visit. It had been a long week. I had my meltdown at physical therapy. And Julian was cutting in his third tooth. Everyone was tired and needed a break from social services. It was a hot day in mid August. My husband drove while I sat in the passengers seat biting my nails and worrying. Julian sat in his car seat, wearing an insultated pair of baby blue jogging pants, a long sleeve onsie and tennis shoes. He was cranky, probably because it was nap time and he was hot. As he whined in the back I took off his shoes and socks in hopes to help him cool off. As I adjust back to facing forward and began buckling my seat belt, my husband put his hand on my leg as if to say...its going to be alright, stop worrying.

I was not only nervous about this visit but I was also fuming over the clothes they wanted him to wear that day. Every time I dressed him for a visitation day I had to put him in the clothes they brought for him to wear. Nine times out of ten he wore something in appropriate for the weather outside or something that wasn't the right size. Usually to small. Social services once again worried only about making the bios happy and not worried about Julian's comfort. It wasn't an issue that they didn't even know his size or couldn't even guess that it was going to be hot in August. It was only an issue if I didn't have him in the correct outfit that the bios wanted to see him in. It was just one more thing I used as excuse of why they shouldn't get him back. If they couldn't even figure out how to dress him for two hours on a Friday how would they figure it out 365 days a year.

With Julian's feet now bare he seemed to drift off to sleep. The radio was lightly playing in the back ground and I could feel the butterflies getting worse and worse as we got closer and closer to the county building. My mind was full of chatter. I could tell the music was playing but I could only hear my own thoughts. I was playing every visit up to this point in my head. Each time I had to drive here on Friday I knew I was only leaving him for just an hour. Now this time I was having to leave him for two hours. It seemed so much longer. I knew in my heart that they couldn't hurt him physically because the visits were supervised. But I also knew that in the past Julian's visits for just an hour caused major stress to my little man. Most days they didn't bring the right formula or they didn't bring any formula at all. So he would be starving the entire time. I always packed a bottle just in case so he would have something to eat on the ride home. The concerns the bios had were about his hair and clothes and not about if he was hungry or tired. They tried to over stimulate him with toys that were loud and full of lights, yet the toys were never age appropriate so he could never hold them. The poor kid always came home crying for hours. Now my concern was what would two hours do to him.

As we pulled into the main parking lot I looked up front for their car. We were about 15 minutes early and we didn't see their car there. My heart skipped at the thought of them not showing up. I gave my husband a look of excitement and he said, "What is that silly look for?" I said,"They aren't here yet!" He smiled and said, "It is still early don't get to excited yet. I bet they show up because they have to be in court next week." I thought oh yeah this week is a court date....my shoulders slumped over and I was back to disappointed. He was right they would show if they had to look good for court next week. We parked in the back as we always did and Julian woke up from his short nap when the car turned off. He started to cry big tears. I jumped out of the car and got him out of his car seat. As soon as he saw me the tears stopped. I sat back in the front seat with him on my lap. His little body felt so hot. My legs began to produce sweat just from him sitting on me. I asked my husband to turn the car back on because we needed the air conditioning before one of us over heated.

As the motor purred and the A/C cooled us all down. Julian and my husband played and giggled. My husband was taking Julian's little feet and putting them to his nose and in a high pitched voice he would say,"Pewey you have stinky feet." Julian laughed at the tone my husband was using and as soon as his giggle stopped he would raise his little foot to my husband because he wanted him to do it again.

As they played my heart was pounding. I was giggling at their joking around but I kept searching the back door for a social worker that would be coming to take Julian in. There were many that came out of that back door but none that we knew. Finally the clock said ten minutes late! I knew if they were ten minutes late that the appointment was canceled. I handed Julian to his dad and I began dialing Betty Rose's directly line. She of coarse didn't answer. She never did when I called. Finally, I got a hold of the gal that usually watched over the visits. She said, "They ain't here. So I am guessing it isn't happening. I haven't heard from them either." I couldn't believe what she was saying. My heart was pounding with excitement. I said to her,"Ya know they are suppose to be in court next week. " She said,"I know and this won't look good."

I hung up the phone and my husband and I both squealed in delight! This couldn't get much better for us. The visit before their court date and they didn't show! Finally a win for our side. Julian had no idea why were excited but his little face showed just as much excitement as our did. I took Julian from my husbands arms. Stripped off the hot clothes and in only a diaper sat him back in his seat so we all could drive back home as a family!

Occupational Therapy Bomb

As I walked toward the clinic doors I glanced at myself in the reflective glass. I was wearing sweat pants and my shirt was a tee shirt that looked just as old and tired as my eyes. My hair was tied up in a bun and my face was red from my little fit in the park. I wondered to myself how much longer would we be living like this and quickly thought hopefully not to much longer. My heart was hidden beneath the clothes and the flesh but it was broken in a million pieces and that was showing through every inch of my being. I looked as broken as I felt. I was tryin not to give myself to much of a lecture about letting myself turn into this unkept mom as I opened the door and walked into the clinic, but the words had already begun to flow through my head. How did you get here? Sweat pants really? Remember when you use to get ready for work everyday? Now your screaming in parks and wearing sweat pants in public...wow we need to work on this.

As, I steped into the waiting room, it was odd that I was the only one there. Even the receptionist had stepped away from the front desk. I didn't sit down instead I went down the small hallway to the room we were always in and from just a few steps away I heard his giggle. I leaned up against the wall and as that sweet little sound took my breath away. I needed to hear it again....and within seconds there it was. Julians giggle was what gave me my energy. I was like Mrs. Pac Man and his giggle was the gold coins. It filled my heart like nothing else could.


As I stood in the hallway I took a few more steps toward the room. I wanted to see what was making him laugh that way. As I hid just outside the large door, I tried to sneak a glance without him seeing me. I then caught a glimps of him and Denise reflecting back at me in a mirror. He was playing on a large aqua blue yoga ball. Denise was trying to get him to figure out he could stand on his legs by having him hold onto the ball and then slowing roll him up to a stand. He however thought they were playing and the giggle came everytime he would come up to the stand position and he could see his own reflection in the mirror. I was in awe watching the two of them. He had the strength I always wished I had. He was overcoming all that life had given him so far. Each time he stood without realizing he could, he was telling his abusers they didn't win. I must have stood there for only a few minutes before he caught me watching them.


As our eyes met his face melted from full of joy to a loud cry without tears. Denise turned her head my way and burst into laughter. She and I both knew it was Julians favorite game with me. He knew as soon as he saw me that if he began to cry I would come in and rescue him with a big HUG. And right on cue that is exactly what I did. I picked up my little man and I kissed all over his face. He was back to giggling within seconds and so were we. As I sat on the floor with Denise and Julian, I simply said, "Thank you" to Denise. She gave me her big smile and said," Your doing all the work here. I just take him an hour a week and show you what to do when you get home. You deal with everything else that not every parent, including myself, can understand. The least I can do is tell you take a break when I see you need one." I had no more words for her. I was lost in my own head. I didn't like that we even needed help. I wanted this nightmare to end and Julian to be ours. I didn't want to have to think about appointments other than the ones Julian needed for his rehibilation. I also couldn't share that with Denise. She was Julian's physical therapist not my phsycologist. So instead of saying anything else I just faked a smile and took my gaze back to Julian. We both watched him for a minute or so as he laid on his belly and talked to himself in the mirror.


Then she said,"I know you don't want to hear this but there is something else we need to talk about." Her tone had changed. I knew she was about to hit me with something that she didn't feel good about telling me. I said,"Ok, what is it?" She said," Julian, is 10 months old now. We have been doing physical therapy once a week for 5 months and he still isn't doing a lot of things he should be. He isn't trying to crawl or even roll around. He still is not confident in putting weight on his legs and he doesn't even grab for toys. I think he needs to see an occupational therapist for an evaluation." My heart dropped...another therapist. All I could think is NOT ANOTHER APPOINTMENT. This was our first week of having an appointment almost everyday. How could I possibly fit in another? I knew I had to agree. If it helped Julian it had to be done but every inch of my being screamed NO MORE APPOINTMENTS! But I knew all that mattered was Julian and what was best for him. I told Denise we would set up an appointment before we left that day with an occupational therapist and that is what we did.

On our way home that day, as I tried to stop thinking about the future and only concentrate on that moment with Julian, I listened to him babbled in the back seat. We were talking, well he was doing most of the talking. It was as if he was telling me all he worked on while I was at the park. As he babbled I giggled and my worries melted away. When I would giggle he would smile his little two teeth smile long enough to let me finish laughing and then he would just keep talking. I knew Julian and I understood one another better than any two people could that didn't share the same blood. We were sharing moments in time that only he and I would keep in our hearts. He was my strength and I was his. And I knew we would make it through this and I hoped in the end we would be together. But for that moment I just loved being the one he shared his stories with.

A Major Breakdown

I dropped the girls off that day not knowing what to expect from Ashley in the future. Would she write or call? Would I hear from her again? I knew in my heart that it didn't matter if I thought I was the right fit for her child or not...what really matter was what she thought. When I got home my husband and I pondered the idea of another baby. He and I shared the same fears...could we handle both babies if she choose us and we were blessed to keep Julian? Neither of us knew the answer to that question but when we were honest with one another we both loved the idea of beign able to have Ashley's baby. Just the idea of having a child that we knew would be ours forever. And in our hearts there is nothing more we wanted than for Julian to be that child but the unknowns were still out there and each day we grew a little more weary. Only God knew what would come to pass.


That week started our new schedule with Julian's visitation. Two visits a week with the bios and physical therapy. We started our week working and exercising as we always did. Julian was rolling over at night but still struggling with doing it on his own. He was becoming more comfortable with being on his tummy and playing but he still didn't reach for things or try and get them by crawling. His little legs still went limp underneath his tiny body if we tried to get him to stand on them. But we never gave up on him. I took each day with him on as a new challenge. Just as there were many things that hadn't changed with Julian there were many things that had changed for the best. His trust factor with my husband and I was evident more and more each day. He reached for us and knew we were the ones that kept him safe. He was more full of life and less full of fear and you could see it by the way his eyes shined. It was like the veil had be lifted and he knew he could live again. His giggles began to out weigh his tears. He had a laugh that came from his belly and it just made the whole world seem brighter. His cries began to be less painful and more normal for what he needed. He was putting on weight and his little cheeks were full and rosey. He wasn't puking on me due to the acid reflux nearly as much as he used to and we had even almost weined him off the medicine. He loved nothing more than to play with his toys and the pugs and I loved nothing more than watching him.


As we went to physical therapy that week I could feel my heart and mind being tired. My chest was tight and my mind was full of fear. I am sure it was the idea of how my week was going to go with the new visitation schedule. I hated the idea of taking him to spend more time with the people that hurt him, even if it was supervised. I didn't trust them or the system to watch over my child.

I was just wishing for a week off from all of it. I was tired of Betty Rose and all that came with her. I was tired of worrying about the bios and if they would do just enough to take Julian from us. I worried about my own heart and how I would make it through losing this child I had made my own. I just wanted to know what it would be like to be a normal family. I could feel my mind racing and my heart pounding in fear. I looked back to check on Julian in the car seat I saw he had fallen asleep. It was almost within seconds of seeing his sleeping face that tears were streaming down my face. I tried to hold it in but they just kept falling. I tried to never cry in front of Julian. I felt he had enough to try and process in that little mind of his without worrying about why mommy was crying again. Usually, I could shed a few tears and then turn it off but this time I couldn't. I cried for the next 30 minutes to the appointment. I let a tear for everything we had been through up to this point. I cried for every dissappointment we had been given, I cried for everyone that had failed us as a family and cried in pain at the idea of losing my child. As, I pulled into the parking lot and I still couldn't stop crying. I found myself even saying the words out loud, PULL IT TOGETHER WOMAN!

Julian woke up when I turned off the car. I put my sunglasses on in hopes that he wouldn't see the tears. But in all reality the tears were streaming down my face and there was no stopping them. My weary mind and heart had finally had enough and now my body had to find some sort of release. As I scooped Julian up out of the car seat he gave me a huge smile. And the same smile that usually made all things better all of the sudden caused more tears. I was talking to him as we walked into the clinic and telling him I loved him. At the door we were met by Julian's physical therapist, Denise. She knew instantly I was crying...it was hard to not notice. My face was red and tears were streaming like a waterfall. I tried to smile at her to let her know everything was fine but she knew better. She and I had bonded over the last few months over this small child that brought us together and as I looked at her she knew I needed her to help me at that moment. She reached out her hands to Julian and he immediatly went with her and gave her that same smile of delight I had just seen in the car. As he left my arms and went to hers she said," Mommy needs to go get a cup of coffee today. How about you and me just do this on our own today?" I said, "I can't leave him," and although the words were coming from my mouth I wanted nothing more than to not be there with them. I wanted to run from my life. I wanted to jump in the car and head to Mexico all alone. To find a new identity to leave it all behind. Denise grabbed my hand and said,"Honey, we all need a break from our lives sometimes and before we have to put you in a mental institution, you need to go get a cup of coffee...ALONE. Just go grab a cup and sit outside and breath for awhile. Your heart needs a break." She giggled and I smiled through the tears. I thanked her and I left Julian with her.

I didn't go far. I skipped the coffee and walked over to a small park and sat on a bench. It was a beautiful day outside the sun was shining but I couldn't feel the warmth come over my skin. On any other day I would have wanted to soak it in but this day the sun's warmth was clouded by my heart ache. On a perfectly sunny day I felt likeI was standing in the middle of a hurricane.

The park seemed quiet and I could hear nothing my own sobbing flooding the air. Then without warning I just began screaming. I shocked myself with the action. It was almost like an out of body experience. I had my hands raised in the air and I was looking up at the clear blue sky and my words were loud and they were angry. I was speaking to God, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? WHY? WHY? WHERE ARE YOU IN THIS? HOW COME YOU EVEN BROUGHT HIM TO ME? I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!!! MAKE THEM MAKE A DECISION ON THIS I DON'T EVEN CARE WHAT IT IS! DO YOU HEAR ME I DON'T CARE!"

With those words my tears finally stopped and I no longer felt the pain in my chest. It was like God had taken it so I could deal with life again. The fear was replaced with shock. Did I really just say...I didn't care? How could I say that! Is that how I really felt? I was slowly lowering my arms and as I looked at my own hands the thoughts began to bring me back to reality. I began to wonder how I even got to the park I didn't remember the walk over. As I came back to reality I noticed there were people in the park. Two ladies my age sat at a table staring in my direction, one smiled and raised her hand as if to say hello, while the other had tears in her eyes. I raised my hand back and then out of shear embarrassment I turned to go back to the clinic.