Cold Alone Pizza

We each grabbed two pieces of pizza and we headed back to our seats at the front of the room. During our walk back to our chairs I began to look at the other people that were going to be a part of this group. I made eye contact with one woman who had a little boy just a few weeks old in her arms. He had a head full of black hair and he looked right at home with her. I began to consider what her story might be. I wondered what she would share and if she was going through the hell we were. I smiled her way and moved my eyes down the table.

There was a lesbian couple that also sat at that table that I happened to remember them from one of our training classes. I made eye contact with them in hopes to see the same fear I saw in my own eyes everyday. I was looking for some sign that we weren't alone in this and that they understood. As I said, "hello" and waived they smiled back. Their eyes were full of light and joy. I didn't see frustration and fear. I began to wonder how they kept that joy in their eyes and stayed so positive during this constant battle with social services. It couldn't be that we were the only ones that were having a tough time.


We got to our seats and I put my paper plate down in front of me. I picked off one peperoni and ate it just as I heard a familiar voice. It was Leyla standing behind us. A sigh of relief came from deep within me just at hearing her words. She was asking everyone to take their seats so we could begin. I was so excited to see Leyla. I wanted her to ask how I was just so I could tell her about Betty Rose. I wanted to let her know all the terror that was inside me about losing Julian. I wanted her to give me advice and reassure me that everything was going to go our way but I also knew this wasn't the right time to talk to her.

Everyone took their places and as I looked around the room the only familiar faces I saw were Leyla's and the lesbian couple from our training class. I began to get nervous. I didn't want to have to tell our story and I knew some how we would have to share it. As I thought about what we would say and how we would say it, I notice I had pushed my pizza away from me. All the sudden I wasn't as hungry. In fact I almost felt nauseous just thinking about all we had been through so far.

Soon Leyla was standing in front of the room with a huge smile. She introduced herself and then said, " Now lets go around the room so everyone can introduce themselves. Start with your name, how long you have had a legal risk child in your home and where you are at in your case. We will start with you two." I almost jumped at the thought that we had to go first but as I looked toward Leyla I saw she was speaking to the lesbian couple to our right. I took a deep breath in relief and began to listen to their story.

The more outgoing woman spoke for the couple. She said, " I am Samantha and this is my partner Georgia. We have taken little Aidan in because his biological mother has a meth problem. We have had him for 3 months and parental rights are being terminated next week. So we will be able to adopt him soon." Tears filled my eyes as Samantha grabbed Georgia's hand and they both shrugged their shoulder in pure joy to have little Aidan become a part of their family. I was so devastated that we were still in limbo after all this time about Julian and these two were getting to feel what it was like to be at the end. We had worked just as hard as they had to get where we were and now we were still fighting our way through this and they were doing a victory lap.

As I had a mini pity party the rest of the room gave them a round of applause and within minutes the focus had moved on to the lady with the small infant in her arms. She gave us her name and the baby's name and told us he was only a few weeks old. She said that his biological mother was very young and that she had given him up in the hospital. So she and her husband were able to bring him home from the hospital. They were still at the beginning of the case but so far the mother had signed over her rights to the county and she refused to say who the father was. As she kept talking I felt a lump in my throat and I knew my face was turning purple. I kept seeing her husband that was sitting next to her with his arm around her bending over and kissing the top of the babies head. I was wishing that it was me in her shoes. When she was done talking her husband said, " And we already have two elementary school age girls of our own and they love being big sisters already." I was so jealous of their story. Not only do they have biological children but now they get this precious child as well.

I wondered if I was over reacting hearing these stories. I knew I had been on a roller coaster ride and my emotions were constantly being tested through this process. So for me to do a reality check, I looked over at my husband. Hoping he would give me that smile to tell me it was okay and to just take a deep breath but he didn't give me that smile. He wasn't even looking at me or the couples speaking anymore. Instead he was looking down at the table and his knee was shaking up and down. I could feel the frustration radiating off of him and I knew we were both having the same thoughts.

There were 6 couples in that room that day and all of them had stories that matched the first two. Each of them were close to having their children be a part of their families forever. We listened to each couple speak and with each story my mind raced. Why was our case so hard? What would have happened if we didn't take Julian's case? Would we have gotten Aidan or that baby? How come we aren't the ones with a happy ending? What is wrong with this system?

We had heard every one's story and we were the last one's to tell ours. I looked over at my husband and I knew he wouldn't be able to speak so I opened my mouth. With my voices shaking I introduced myself and then my husband. I took a deep breath in hopes that tears in my eyes would stay there and I said," Well I am not sure what to say about our case. We have had Julian for 3 months now. He was given to us because he had two broken legs and a broken arm at 3 months old, and nobody can seem to figure out how a 3 month old gets injuries like this. Including his biological parents. As of today, I don't feel like we are any farther along in the case than we were 3 months ago when we were told the case looked to be in our favor. In fact I worry everyday that he will be taken from us."

The energy in the room had moved from full of joy and applause to pity for my husband and I with a touch of sorrow. It was so quiet I heard the lady at the other end of the table swallow. After a few seconds of silence Leyla stood up and said," That is tough to hear right? And that's why were are here to share the good and the bad." I rolled my eyes at the thought that our story was the bad one to share.

There were speakers there that night to "help" the group understand the system better. But to be honest I have no idea who they were or what they talked about. I spent the entire hour looking around the room and wondering why we weren't of the lucky ones in this room. Even worse why wasn't Julian one of the lucky ones? He deserved justice and safety more than we deserved parenthood. Once again I questioned where God was in this.

As the hour wrapped up I gathered my things and when I looked down I noticed my now cold pizza, missing one peperoni, was still sitting there. Two pieces by themselves on a plate, sitting in the front of the room for all to see. Ironic really. To come to a support group in hopes to find someone that felt like us. Someone that got how alone and scared we were. Instead we sat at the front of that room just like that pizza. More alone than when we came in and with just a little piece of us missing now. We had lost the idea that we weren't alone in just one hour of being there. All this time we had thought there was someone out there that knew how we felt. So much so that they needed to come up with a "Support Group" to help people like us. When what we really had figured out was in fact that we were alone. It was just another class to help with education hours not a Support Group that could feel our hearts.