Will I become a Lifetime Movie?

With everyday that passed Julian and I grew stronger and stronger as a team. We had beat our way through 6 teeth that brought with them high fevers, a snotty nose and screams that made me think I need to hold an exorcism so he could release the demon that possessed him. We fought our way through physical therapy and visits with the bios. We looked the enemies of nap time schedules and social services in the eye and we came out winners. Yet with each victory a small voice still stirred in the back of mind saying."Betty Rose isn't working hard enough for him. We still don't have anymore pieces to this puzzle than we did the day we got him." And so with that mental tape continually playing in my mind, I continued a relationship with Ashley.

We talked regularly through email. I had grown very found of her and not just her bravery and willingness to give her child up for adoption. I admired how she looked at life, how smart she was for being so young and how she made me laugh. She asked me many questions about how I would raise her child? She was happy we were Christians and she loved hearing our story of resilience through our marriage. She asked about my family of origin and I answered each one of her questions honestly and deep down was hoping I was giving her the right answers. We saw similarities woven into our pasts. The similarities were sometimes so close it was almost as though we shared the same story. We loved to joke around and make each other laugh through our banter about life. I was excited to have a new friend in Ashley and if I was honest I wanted her to be excited for me to take her child.

I wasn't that I didn't love Julian because I don't think I could have loved him more if I had given birth to him. The desire to have Ashley choose me as her baby's mommy came from the deepest parts of me that just wanted to be a mommy to a child. Sure I was Julian's mommy but the question was still there...would I always be? Not knowing the answer to that question drove me to know Ashley and have her know me. The desire grew stronger with each sentence Ashley and I shared. I never once felt like she wasn't honest in what she was saying. Even when I asked the hard questions about family life, past drug usage and even the baby's father. She wanted me to know the truth about who she was and how much loved her child. I also think she wanted me to be able to tell her child her mothers story if she chose me.

Each time we talked I day dreamed at the idea of getting her child at birth. I had visions of that day in the hospital and my husband and I holding the baby for the first time. I thought about birthdays and holidays and Ashley sharing in them and still being in the picture. It wasn't just the baby we would be bringing into our family with that baby came Ashley and that was just as exciting to me. She wanted an open adoption and although I wasn't totally sure what that meant the idea seemed emotionally safer for me than the situation I was in now, and after knowing Ashley's heart I was all for it. The only thing that weighed heavy on our minds was what was going to happen with Julian's case?

One night while chatting online with one another, Ashley asked me what would happen if she chose me and we kept Julian. I laughed as I read her words on the computer screen because I began to envision me having two kids under two years of age running around like little gremlins fed after midnight. Wouldn't that be irony at its best....us being a family of two without children, then to quickly become a family of four with two babies in the house. Not to mention the added flavor or neither one of the children looking like us. As I played it in my head it almost seemed like a sitcom in the making. Then the reality set in for me. I remembered just a few days before yelling at Julian in the car. What if the stress sends me over the edge. Could I handle two babies? What if Ashley's baby screamed daily like Julian? I knew I couldn't handle two constantly screaming children. All of the sudden my sitcom had gone to a Lifetime movie ending with me in an orange jump suit. After all my story would be a perfect Lifetime movie. I could visualize the commercial, "After years of trying to be a mother...She snaps from dealing with two screaming infants," and my mug shot is seen with my husband crying in background. I shook off the Lifetime vibes and typed back to Ashley," I don't know what is going to happen with Julian, but I do know I would be blessed to have both babies in my home."

Another No Show

Saturday visits were at a new location because the county building is not open on Saturdays. A contracted company helps the county by offering weekend and late night services for those biological parents that work during the day. The upside to this arrangement for me is that all the social workers that I didn't like to deal with were not there on Saturdays. The downside for me was I was handing my son to yet another complete stranger that would then evaluate a situation they were just coming into 5 months into this case.
Julian and I drove into the parking lot full of darkness and hopelessness. Both of us knew I had failed him and I knew I had let the enemy win this last round. As I parked at the bottom of a hill behind this building I found our new parking spot. This one wasn't labeled "Foster Parent Parking" but it was obvious which entrance was ours. We always went in the back door like a couple of people on the run from the law. I often wondered why it was us sneaking in when we hadn't done anything wrong.
I turned the car off and took a deep breath hoping to breath in a new view on life. Instead I just exhaled but kept every terrible thought I was telling myself running on a continual tape in my head. I looked back at Julian and he was staring out the window. Unbuckling my seat belt I wiped the tears off my face and opened my door. As I opened Julian's door I was glancing around the parking lot for the bios car. I had figured out over the last couple of visits what to look for and the car wasn't there. My heart skipped a beat at the idea that they might not show. I ducked into the car to get Julian out of his seat and our eyes met. As I unbuckled him I smiled and said, "Bubbie I am so sorry. Mommy shouldn't have yelled at you." I grabbed him out of the car and swung him on my hip. I put my free hand on his face and pulled his cheek in for a kiss. As soon as my hand touched his skin he was smiling from ear to ear. His four front teeth showed and he giggled. I knew Julian had forgiven me. I giggled back at him and then checked my watch. We were walking in right on time.
Walking in the door I was already concerned about leaving Julian here. A musty odor filled my nose upon opening the door. There were six school room looking chairs placed around the very tiny room. There were posters on the wall advertising free vaccinations for children and reading classes for adults. There wasn't a receptionist just a big sign on the door that said, "Please wait here." There were toys in the room for all ages but they were broken and filthy. I took a seat and put Julian on my lap. He sat quietly as I glanced around wondering how anyone would even know we were there. Julian was chattering and as I took in the scenery. Next to our chair sat a small bookcase full of children's books. I am sure they had been donated or left behind by children because most of the books had names on them showing whom they belonged to. Above the book case was a small window that gave view to a playground, there wasn't must to see on the playground, only a swing set and slide. The toys were scattered throughout the room as if children had already been there playing. There were not any sounds downstairs except for the humming of the fluorescent lights and Julian's chatter, but upstairs I could hear people moving around.
Soon there was a third person in the room with us. I young female that looked like she was a teenager. She said,"This must be Julian." I said,"Yes it is. Are you the social worker?" She smiled and said,"Yes, I was going to be but the bios haven't shown up yet." My heart began pumping with force and excitement was flowing through my veins. I said well "Betty Rose only gives them 10 minutes before she cancels the visit." She glanced at the big clock on the wall and said, "Okay, well they have three minutes lets see if they show up. I will be back down in a few minutes to give you an update." Already I liked this social worker better than any other and it didn't matter that she looked sixteen years old. She had no idea I loved that they weren't showing up but I am sure the excitment was seen in my eyes. I smiled and thanked her and she walked away.
For the next three minutes I watched the clock. Every second that ticked by felt like an entire day. I was hoping for them to not show up. I wanted them to get in trouble for missing a visit. Especially since they had just seen Julian the day before. There couldn't be any excuse that Betty Rose would find okay for them missing today. I pondered what they could possibly say to her that she would find excusable. Nothing I thought of would be okay with her and to be honest no excuse would have been okay with me either. After the intial excitment passed I became angry and this time not for me but for Julian. How could they miss this time with him? Was yesterday to much for them? What could they possibly be saying to themselves that its okay for them to miss time with this child?
Soon the sixteen year old social worker came back down and said, "Well looks like we are not having a visit today. I have tried calling them and the phone number I have has been disconnected. So you guys can go." I almost didn't have words I was so thrilled. I stood up and said to Julian, "Come on little man lets go home." He smiled at me and said, "Dada!" I laughed and said,"When are you gonna say Mama?" The social worker watched us walk out the door. Julian and I both waived good bye to her and left. Leaving her laughing at our interaction.
The drive home was different for both Julian and I. We were free of the demons that followed us to the visit. Julian sat in his seat and told me his usual stories and I filled in when he went silent with my usual, "Are you telling me stories again?" Or "You don't really believe that do you?" He laughed every time I spoke and then would tell me another leg of his adventure. By the time we got home Julian and I both needed a nap.
Julian and I started a nap time routine, but this time as I fed Julian his bottle before his nap I enjoyed every second of it. I stared into his eyes and him into mine and we were both back to feeling safe and happy. After his bottle I laid Julian in his bed and he was out before his head hit the sheets. I laid my hand on his back and I prayed for him. I asked God to keep him safe adn I asked they he always stay with him. After my Amen, I walked just a few steps to my room laid in our bed and smiled as I thought about my little man sleeping in the next room. The last thought before I drifted off to sleep was, I can't wait until the Judge hears they didn't show up again.

STOP SCREAMING JULIAN

After a restless nights sleep, Julian and I got up to get ready for the first Saturday visit. Julian's teething is making him very cranky. Anytime this kid feels pain we all feel it. He has begun to run a fever and has a runny noise. He has found that a continual state of whiny gets my attention and so for the three hours he is up before we leave he whimpers. We are both tired and frustrated with life and it shows with each movement we make.
Julian has also been throwing up more than usual. Although I can't be total sure, my guess is because the formula he was fed yesterday by the bios was not soy. As I try and give him his morning bottle he begins to drink but tears are still falling down his face. Holding Julian during feedings is usual my favorite part of the day but today I am full of anxiety and I find myself distracted from our special time. I can tell I need a break from Julian and from social services but I also know I can't have one.
My husband is up and roaming the house trying to get ready for work, he pops his head into Julian room where we sit in the rocking chair. "Hello My Lil Monkey," he says in a high pitched voice to Julian. Julian looks over the bottle and gives a smile behind the nipple still feeding him. My husband walks over to us and kisses my forehead. Without thinking I pull away from him. He says, "Are you okay?" I fake a smile and say, "Yeah I am fine." Both of knew I wasn't fine, I wasn't even okay. He said,"Well I gotta go you two have a good day. Call me after the visit and let me know how it goes." I shook my head at him as if to tell him okay but inside I was screaming. I wanted him to deal with all this today. I couldn't take another day. I needed him to figure out the feelings behind dealing with social services. Maybe he could take the punches for awhile and I could have a break. I was breaking and I could feel the cracks in marriage getting wider, because I was beginning to resent my husband for something that none of us could fix.
Julian finished his bottle with less tears. With a clean diaper and the proper clothing for visitation days, but not for summer, we were in the car for another 45 minute drive. Most of the way Julian cried. I kept telling myself it was just his teeth but the screaming was continual and when Julian screams because he is in pain, there is no mistaking it for another need he might have. I could feel the tension in my body rising. The logical thought process would be for me to understand what is going on and be able to sooth him and hope he falls asleep. The tired, strung out mom in me wanted to slam on the breaks in the middle of the highway and get out and punch something or someone! I felt myself losing control. My hands were tight around the steering wheel and my blood was racing through my veins. And then I found myself in the darkest place a mother could go I was screaming at the child I loved. As I banged my hands on the steering wheel I screamed, "What, What do you want! STOP CRYING JULIAN!" Then out of sheer terror I am sure Julian went silent. When I looked back it him I saw the fear in his big brown eyes. I remembered back to a day that I hoped I would never see that fear in his eyes again. The same fear he showed me the day I took him home. And that is when I was snapped back into reality and once again found myself crying in the car.
I cried all the way to the visit and Julian sat like a stone statue. He had turned off and disconnected from life. I had left the feelings of anxiety and fear about the visit behind and had begun to fill my head with guilt. By the time we got to the visit both of us were lost in a reality neither of us liked and both of us were afraid of what I had become.

Making it to a Safe Haven

Picking up Julian that day was just as hard as dropping him off. As Sandy and Julian headed my way I could feel the anxiety rising in my body. I was hoping it wouldn't be her bringing him back to me. I wasn't even looking at her because my eyes were glued to Julian. I was trying to read his face and body language, looking for some clue on how the bios did with a two hour visit. If only I had some super human mind reading skills right now! The rims of his eyes were red it was hard to tell if it was because it was two hours past nap time and he was tired or he had been crying. As they got closer to me I saw his hair had been braided and his clothes had been changed. It was always amazing to me that they spent their two hours with him doing his hair. If I only had two hours in a day with Julian the last thing I would be worried about was his hair and clothes. I would want to tickle his belly until I heard his amazing belly laugh and see all the progress he had made in his movement. I would want one of his slobbery open mouth kisses on my cheek or for him just to fall asleep in my arms but I wouldn't care what he was wearing or if his hair was combed.
I took a deep breath as if to relax myself as Sandy was just two steps away from me. Her face was serious and I could tell nothing she was about to say to me would please me. As they finally stood in front of me I reached out my hands to take Julian. His eyes lit up as I said, "Hi baby. How did it go?" He smiled his big smile and leaned into me as if he could finally relax. As I kissed his head I could smell the usual scent of mothballs that came with him coming back from a visit. I finally made eye contact with Sandy and braced myself for her comments. She said,"Mom wants to know why his hair is so dry? She suggests you use this product and this comb." I said, "Really? That is all they said?" She handed me a bottle of hair product and a black wide tooth comb. She said,"Yes that's all I am going to relate to you. They can't wait for their visit tomorrow so be on time." I rolled my eyes behind my dark sun glass and spit out, "I am not the one that is ever late. Good bye." This time I spun on my heels with my heart in my arms and walked away.
As I put Julian in the car seat he started to cry. I handed him his favorite blanket but it didn't help. Maybe he could feel my insecurity about the situation, maybe he was tired. He cried for 35 minutes while I drove us home. My mind was in over drive and my thoughts were all over the place, what did that mean, "it was all she was going to relate to me?" Was there more? What did she know...Oh my goodness will this kid just stop screaming! I can't take the screaming! Then just when I thought I was going to lose my mind and snap on this child because of the stress, Julian fell asleep and the car was quiet. The silence should have brought me peace but for the remaining ten minutes of our ride home while Julian slept, I cried. I was tired and felt weak, I didn't know how much more I could take from social services. My life was turning down a road I didn't want to go down and Sandy was a constant reminder. If the bios had an allies in both Betty Rose and Sandy how could we win this battle. Would they really send this child back to these people?
I pulled into the garage of our home, wiped the tears away, pulled my sleeping son out of his car seat and walked into my safe haven. It was only within the walls of our home that I felt safe from social services. This is where our family lived and thrived. This is where we laughed and cuddled and grew. To me this was where I found peace.
Julian didn't wake up when I took him out of his car seat so his sleeping little body laid against mine. He was breathing deep and his body was warm to the touch. I walked us both upstairs to his room and I sat in the rocking chair next to his crib. I couldn't bring myself to let him go and to put him in his crib that day. I needed to hold on to him, to feel him in my arms. So for the next hour we both just rocked in the chair and I began to pray. This time my prayers weren't for me but only for Julian. I prayed God watch over him and the baby his biological mother was caring. I prayed for Julian safety and asked that he always feel safe. I prayed that God would guide the adults in this case to find the missing pieces to the puzzle for these children and as I said each word I was full of fear for all of us and warm tears fell from my eyes onto my child.

Sandy Believes In Them

The first two hour visits started in mid August. Every Friday and Saturday the bios spent two hours a day with him. On Friday's the visits were at same county building. The biggest difference that happened during these visits was Sandy, the life skills worker, participated in them. Her job was to translate directions into Spanish for the bios and also to teach them how to read Julian's cues on when he was tired or hungry etc. For me, the idea that Sandy was a part of these visits was a nightmare in the making. The idea that I had to deal with her made me feel like I needed a one way ticket to crazy town, and the sad part was I had only met her the one time. Unfortunately she was kind enough to confirmed my fears that first Friday visit on August 17th.

As we pulled into the back parking lot I saw Sandy. My heart began to pound from the anxiety of having to deal with her. I watched her briefly as she chatted with her coworkers. They laughed together and I saw a glimpse of a new person. I sat and wondered what they were talking about, what made her laugh like that? Was there some magic in that conversation that I could use to combat her negativity toward me? It wasn't long before she made eye contact with me as I pulled into the dreaded "foster parent" parking space. She was obviously waiting for us because she waved at me and headed our way, leaving her friends and smile behind.

Julian was in the back seat sleeping. He was so tired during these visits because they were scheduled during his usual nap time. I looked in the rear view mirror to check on him and instead of seeing my sleeping baby I saw Sandy was well on her way over. As soon as I turned the car off Julian woke up crying probably because he was unaware of where he was. I unbuckled my seat belt and started to get out of the car when I heard the back car door open. It was Sandy opening the car to get Julian. Before I could think clearly I snapped at her and said, "I will get him!" Almost pushing her out of my way I began to sing to Julian as I bent over into the back seat. The singing was to help him from crying, on of those cues nobody taught me about him. It worked he was all smiles as soon as our eyes met and he heard my terrible rendition of Jesus Loves Me.

I unbuckled him out of the car seat and pulled him out. As I turned around Sandy was standing directly behind me so close I could smell her mint gum. She gave us no room to move before she started talking to Julian in Spanish while touching his face. She was telling him how cute he was and asking him if he was excited to see his mommy and daddy. Her jesters were trying to pull Julian out of my arms but his were obviously to stay right where he was, with his MOMMY. As I said excuse me to her, to get her to back up so I could close the car door, she took one step back and said, "So how is his moving coming along? Are you putting him in a walker?" I am sure if my head could have turned on its axis and pea soup could have flown her way it would have. I was so angry with the question that my neck went purple almost within seconds. Had she not learned her lesson from the last time we talked?

I knew no matter what I said it was going to come out mean and nasty. I felt it in my core to just rip her head clean off her body. As I went through my card catalog of sarcastic answers the only thing I could figure out to say was,"He is doing fine." My own words didn't even sound good enough for me so I couldn't believe she accepted that answer, but she did. I looked down at my little man and his eyes were bouncing back and forth from me to Sandy then back to me. He knew he had to go with her and his face seemed dark by the idea. I put my had on his cheek and kissed him on his forehead. Trying to ease his fears I said to him,"I will be back in two hours." His little face lit up as if he knew I would be back. Sandy took him out of my arms and said,"Is there anything they need to be doing during this time?" I rolled my eyes in disgust and said,"He needs a bottle and it HAS TO BE SOY. If they can show up to this visit and give him soy formula it will be a first."

I could tell Sandy disliked me as much as I did her. She gave me a weak smile and spun around on her heals to leave. I watched her walk back into the county building with my heart in her arms and I asked God to help me not run after them. I hated that she even touched him. I hated it more that she spoke Spanish to him and called the bios mommy and daddy. More than anything I hated that she was on their side. She believed in them and I could tell.