After Betty Rose's visit I was full of joy and hope. When my husband came home we laughed together for the first time in months. The three of us sat together as a family at the dinner table. Julian was getting two more teeth and we were experimenting with new foods. That night we found out he loved oranges. He would make this amazing little sound when he liked something. His eyes would light up and he would go, "Mmmmm." Over and over again with each bite. We would always know when we hit the jack pot because that was the winning sound! As my husband and I watched and giggled with Julian that night, we once again began to dream that soon this whole mess would be over and Julian would legally become our baby. We would start our family and everything we had been through would all be worth it because he would finally be ours.
In church that same weekend I sat and listened to yet another sermon that touched my soul. Our Pastor talked about Joseph, Jesus Father. And he spoke of Joseph's strength as a man of flesh to be able to believe that Mary had not been unfaithful to him but indeed was carrying God's son. He talked about how he imaged Joseph must have endured the judgement of the society he lived in and yet he still loved Mary and took Jesus to be his own son. He went on to say how Joseph's Faith in God kept him going forward when all others must have been saying things Joseph didn't want to hear about his own family. And yet he still loved Jesus and was willing to raise him as his own flesh and blood.
As I listened to the story of Joseph as a father to Jesus my heart opened up. Julian was sitting in my lap playing with some toys and I was hearing the sermon about a father and son but as I imagined the faces in the story I only saw mine and Julian's. God had sent me Julian to love as my own. He trusted me with this child. His child. And I was to move past the judgement of the biological parents, social workers and even society and be Julian's mother. I heard God that day louder than any other day about Julian and I promised him I would be the best mother I could to our son! As I spoke to God I told him I wasn't sure of his plan but that I knew I was chosen carefully for Julian. The more I talked the more tears fell.
I was asking God to help me keep Julian. To trust me with his life forever. The thing was I wasn't sure if God was listening. After all we had been through in the last three months and all the prayers I had prayed I was beginning to lose faith. I wanted to tell God I had the faith of Joseph did but I couldn't lie and more than that I didn't want to be Joseph because in the end Joseph lost Jesus. I wanted to be me...the me that got to keep Julian. And so even though I wasn't sure he was listening that day I knew I had to just kept asking!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Seeing Me as Human
The entire way home that day Julian cried and screamed. This was a usual occurrence for him after his Friday hour visitation with the bios. I was usually ready to pull my hair out by the time we got home. But the truth was I usually had the rest of the afternoon with him being upset and not willing to eat or sleep. I spent hours with him screaming as I held him and tried to calm him down. Nothing would ever sooth him not even my rendition of Jesus Loves Me! At first I thought this was because the bios were not feeding him or maybe even due to over stimulation and Betty Rose had mentioned to me. But as time went by I came to think that my little man was just going through a traumatic experience every Friday. I don't know if it was the confusion of seeing his biological parents or the dislike of it. It could have been the lack of food and over stimulation or even him just missing his nap time. But it didn't matter why he was so upset or what caused it. All that mattered to me was that it was consistently a problem so I decided it was time to talk to Betty Rose about it when she came for her visit this month. I needed her to know what these visits did to Julian because each time he went his little world was turned upside down.
It came time for Betty Rose to do her usual once a month visitation and as usual she got under my skin with in minutes of her being there. She came in and immediately grabbed Julian up and kissed all over him. Never once getting the Que's from him that he didn't want her holding him or kissing on his face. Finally, when he could take anymore he reached for me to hold him and in her eyes I saw for the first time that she figured out I was his mother now. It was me he turned to when his world wasn't right. It was me he reached to for comfort. And as I saw her eyes change mine did too...I started to gloat and I knew she could see it. More than that I was glad she could.
She started her visit by telling me how this months court hearing had went. She said it was pretty much uneventful. That she had been told by the judge that a full treatment plan had to be presented at the September hearing and the parents needed to have explained to them in full detail so they could prove to the courts they were fit to have their child returned to their home. I was in shock at the fact that it had been 5 months since Julian had been taken from the bios and Betty Rose still didn't have a treatment plan in place for them. Why was this just now coming up for these people. Shouldn't that have been the first thing done after placing Julian in a safe home?
My eyes welled up with tears at the thought of them taking Julian. And before I could say anything she said, "I know this is hard for you to hear but they are his parents. And they should be given every chance they need to get him back." With those words I was no longer sad but instead infuriated at her words.
I said," Betty Rose how many chances to they get. If they were given a written test and they passed with a 70% does that make them fit parents? Or shouldn't you be looking for more like the 85-90% range? Because so far the only thing that has been asked of them is to show up on Fridays for a visit and they miss one out of four visits a month. Now you are telling me they are going to be given a treatment plan with more things they have to "SHOW UP" to and this will give them more chances to get Julian back? Seriously how many of those visits plus their weekly visits can they miss before they have had ENOUGH chances?"
The silence once again filled my home and in the middle of August it felt like winter in my living room from my cold harsh words. I was tired of living everyday as this child's mother and the moment Betty Rose walked into my home I felt like nothing more than his baby sitter. They were not his parents. I was his mommy and my husband was his daddy. Those two people didn't knew anything about Julian. Hell they couldn't even get his formula right so he could be fed while they spent an hour a week with him.
Betty Rose cleared her throat and a different look came over her face. It was one of sympathy. It was the first time I had seen her actually see me as a human with feelings and not just some day camp she "hired" to take care of this child. She said,"I am sorry. You are right there are many things about this case that don't add up. And to be honest I am not sure he will go back. I have two cases like this now where I feel like I will run away with these children before I send them back to the biological families." I shook my head like a dog shakes off after a bath. It was obvious she had thrown me off with her sensitivity. I said,"Are you serious? You don't think they will get him back?" She said,"At this point I don't see that happening."
I was so relieved I felt like a whole new woman. Finally she said it. She said she didn't think it was good for him to go back. It was the first time the woman said anything to me that made sense. I was afraid to ask anymore questions or to even mention how Julian acted after the visits he had on Fridays because I just wanted her to leave our home on a good note. I wanted to just take that moment and soak every second and every word she said in. And so that is what I did. I said good bye to Betty Rose that day with a smile on my face and a song in my heart! Finally the case was turning in the right direction!
It came time for Betty Rose to do her usual once a month visitation and as usual she got under my skin with in minutes of her being there. She came in and immediately grabbed Julian up and kissed all over him. Never once getting the Que's from him that he didn't want her holding him or kissing on his face. Finally, when he could take anymore he reached for me to hold him and in her eyes I saw for the first time that she figured out I was his mother now. It was me he turned to when his world wasn't right. It was me he reached to for comfort. And as I saw her eyes change mine did too...I started to gloat and I knew she could see it. More than that I was glad she could.
She started her visit by telling me how this months court hearing had went. She said it was pretty much uneventful. That she had been told by the judge that a full treatment plan had to be presented at the September hearing and the parents needed to have explained to them in full detail so they could prove to the courts they were fit to have their child returned to their home. I was in shock at the fact that it had been 5 months since Julian had been taken from the bios and Betty Rose still didn't have a treatment plan in place for them. Why was this just now coming up for these people. Shouldn't that have been the first thing done after placing Julian in a safe home?
My eyes welled up with tears at the thought of them taking Julian. And before I could say anything she said, "I know this is hard for you to hear but they are his parents. And they should be given every chance they need to get him back." With those words I was no longer sad but instead infuriated at her words.
I said," Betty Rose how many chances to they get. If they were given a written test and they passed with a 70% does that make them fit parents? Or shouldn't you be looking for more like the 85-90% range? Because so far the only thing that has been asked of them is to show up on Fridays for a visit and they miss one out of four visits a month. Now you are telling me they are going to be given a treatment plan with more things they have to "SHOW UP" to and this will give them more chances to get Julian back? Seriously how many of those visits plus their weekly visits can they miss before they have had ENOUGH chances?"
The silence once again filled my home and in the middle of August it felt like winter in my living room from my cold harsh words. I was tired of living everyday as this child's mother and the moment Betty Rose walked into my home I felt like nothing more than his baby sitter. They were not his parents. I was his mommy and my husband was his daddy. Those two people didn't knew anything about Julian. Hell they couldn't even get his formula right so he could be fed while they spent an hour a week with him.
Betty Rose cleared her throat and a different look came over her face. It was one of sympathy. It was the first time I had seen her actually see me as a human with feelings and not just some day camp she "hired" to take care of this child. She said,"I am sorry. You are right there are many things about this case that don't add up. And to be honest I am not sure he will go back. I have two cases like this now where I feel like I will run away with these children before I send them back to the biological families." I shook my head like a dog shakes off after a bath. It was obvious she had thrown me off with her sensitivity. I said,"Are you serious? You don't think they will get him back?" She said,"At this point I don't see that happening."
I was so relieved I felt like a whole new woman. Finally she said it. She said she didn't think it was good for him to go back. It was the first time the woman said anything to me that made sense. I was afraid to ask anymore questions or to even mention how Julian acted after the visits he had on Fridays because I just wanted her to leave our home on a good note. I wanted to just take that moment and soak every second and every word she said in. And so that is what I did. I said good bye to Betty Rose that day with a smile on my face and a song in my heart! Finally the case was turning in the right direction!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Ugh Sandy!
The beginning of the month of August brought so many changes. Julian and I had yet another social worker enter our lives in August. Her name was Sandy. I found out about her after Julian's Friday supervised visit with the bios. I was introduced to her as she was giving Julian back to me. She handed me Julian and then she introduced herself to me as though I should already know she was in the picture. She called herself a Life Skills worker. I really had no idea what that meant other than it was one more person to deal with. One more person to talk to, one more person that Julian had to be handed to and one more person that saw me as only his foster mother and not his mother.
She had been brought onto the case because the bios had not been showing up to appointments and they were saying that it was due to a language barrier. That even though Betty Rose made sure the bios were being told about all their appointments by a Spanish speaking social worker they still didn't understand when the appointments were or what was expected of them while they were at the appointments. By August they had missed three of their weekly supervised visitations with Julian, that turned out to be one out of four hours a month that they missed. There were several times they weren't showing up in court, even though their attornies were Spanish speaking, and there were therapy sessions and classes they were missing because of the supposive language barrier. Because of all these factors they were being given yet another chance to prove to the system they were fit parents through Sandy. She was brought in by Betty Rose's request to be their Spanish speaking contact and she would also walk them through their appointments weekly so there were no more excuses on missing visits, court dates or any other required appointments.
Upon meeting Sandy I knew she and I were going to struggle as much as Betty Rose and I did. As she handed me Julian that afternoon after the visit I could tell he had been through another rough visit. His eyes were swollen from crying and he looked tired. He was in yet another outfit they had chosen for him and his hair had been braided. I was always fascinated by the fact that they got one hour with this child a week and they were worried about his image rather than connecting with him. But I never questioned it, instead I just wanted to get as far away from them and social services as I could until we had to deal with it the following week.
As Sandy handed him over to me she introduced herself and before I could ask why he had been crying or how the visit went said to me, "You need to help him roll over and stand on his legs. It has been three months now and he still isn't moving. What are you doing to help him at home?" I know a look of disgust came over my face. I was so furious at the fact that I was being blamed for this child not moving. Why wasn't she asking the bios why his legs were broken in the first place. Shouldn't her concern be that he was hurt and here we were FIVE months into the case and nobody still seemed to have a clue about his injuries. I could feel my face turning more red with every frustrating thought that passed through my mind. As I started to talk I knew my voice would shake because I could feel the tears building as well. I was so tired of being the one with all the responsibility and pressure to make Julian move when I wasn't the one that hurt him in the first place. I was the one that came in and saved him from harm and now once again I was the one getting grief over his lack of movement and getting none of the credit for the things that had changed in him for the positive.
With a shaking voice and a red face I said to Sandy,"Well you should know from his file he is in physical therapy once a week and everything the therapist tells me to work I do. The physical therapist thinks he is afraid to move because of all the pain he was in while his legs were broken. Ya know two weeks is a long time to have three broken limbs with no medical attention." And then I went quiet. Although, we were outside in the parking lot full of people and cars it was like you could hear a pin drop from the silence and the tension between she and I. I knew if I didn't take a breath at that moment I would erupt with all the tears and emotions that flooded me when her words hit my ears. I couldn't lose my cool with this women. I was also holding Julian in my arms and I knew he could feel the tension in me raising. He began to try and make eye contact with me as he always did when he felt my heart change from full to broken. I looked down at him and knew he didn't need my emotions that day on top of everything else he must have been through. I tried to take a breath to help both of us out. As I looked down into his eyes I felt a small breeze rush over he and I and I knew it was God wrapping his arms around us at that moment. To give us both just a moment of peace. The air hit my hot face and I cuddled Julian closer to me. I felt his body release the tension.
I looked at Sandy waiting for a response and I got nothing from her. I said, "Look we do everything we can. He is in a walker daily just so he can figure out he can stand on his legs. I have a johnny jump up that he loves to dangle in but he has yet to figure out his little legs can bounce him around and when he isn't eating or sleeping we are working on his movement. It is very important to my husband and I that this kid figure out he can move and NOT for us but for Julian. We are just waiting on Julian now. And we will wait as long as he needs."
With that update Sandy said,"Well his parents just wanted to know why he wasn't moving at all. And I told them I would ask you." My heart broke as she called them his parents. I responded with a disgusted laugh at the thought of the people that hurt him being called his parents and I said,"because his limbs were broken for two weeks and now that they are healed he doesn't trust it won't hurt when he moves. He isn't ready yet. Tell them that." I don't think Sandy expected me to respond in the sarcastic manner in which I had because her face went to shock. At that point I said," It was nice meeting you today have a good weekend." And I walked away.
I put Julian in the car gave him his blanket for the long ride home and we drove off.
She had been brought onto the case because the bios had not been showing up to appointments and they were saying that it was due to a language barrier. That even though Betty Rose made sure the bios were being told about all their appointments by a Spanish speaking social worker they still didn't understand when the appointments were or what was expected of them while they were at the appointments. By August they had missed three of their weekly supervised visitations with Julian, that turned out to be one out of four hours a month that they missed. There were several times they weren't showing up in court, even though their attornies were Spanish speaking, and there were therapy sessions and classes they were missing because of the supposive language barrier. Because of all these factors they were being given yet another chance to prove to the system they were fit parents through Sandy. She was brought in by Betty Rose's request to be their Spanish speaking contact and she would also walk them through their appointments weekly so there were no more excuses on missing visits, court dates or any other required appointments.
Upon meeting Sandy I knew she and I were going to struggle as much as Betty Rose and I did. As she handed me Julian that afternoon after the visit I could tell he had been through another rough visit. His eyes were swollen from crying and he looked tired. He was in yet another outfit they had chosen for him and his hair had been braided. I was always fascinated by the fact that they got one hour with this child a week and they were worried about his image rather than connecting with him. But I never questioned it, instead I just wanted to get as far away from them and social services as I could until we had to deal with it the following week.
As Sandy handed him over to me she introduced herself and before I could ask why he had been crying or how the visit went said to me, "You need to help him roll over and stand on his legs. It has been three months now and he still isn't moving. What are you doing to help him at home?" I know a look of disgust came over my face. I was so furious at the fact that I was being blamed for this child not moving. Why wasn't she asking the bios why his legs were broken in the first place. Shouldn't her concern be that he was hurt and here we were FIVE months into the case and nobody still seemed to have a clue about his injuries. I could feel my face turning more red with every frustrating thought that passed through my mind. As I started to talk I knew my voice would shake because I could feel the tears building as well. I was so tired of being the one with all the responsibility and pressure to make Julian move when I wasn't the one that hurt him in the first place. I was the one that came in and saved him from harm and now once again I was the one getting grief over his lack of movement and getting none of the credit for the things that had changed in him for the positive.
With a shaking voice and a red face I said to Sandy,"Well you should know from his file he is in physical therapy once a week and everything the therapist tells me to work I do. The physical therapist thinks he is afraid to move because of all the pain he was in while his legs were broken. Ya know two weeks is a long time to have three broken limbs with no medical attention." And then I went quiet. Although, we were outside in the parking lot full of people and cars it was like you could hear a pin drop from the silence and the tension between she and I. I knew if I didn't take a breath at that moment I would erupt with all the tears and emotions that flooded me when her words hit my ears. I couldn't lose my cool with this women. I was also holding Julian in my arms and I knew he could feel the tension in me raising. He began to try and make eye contact with me as he always did when he felt my heart change from full to broken. I looked down at him and knew he didn't need my emotions that day on top of everything else he must have been through. I tried to take a breath to help both of us out. As I looked down into his eyes I felt a small breeze rush over he and I and I knew it was God wrapping his arms around us at that moment. To give us both just a moment of peace. The air hit my hot face and I cuddled Julian closer to me. I felt his body release the tension.
I looked at Sandy waiting for a response and I got nothing from her. I said, "Look we do everything we can. He is in a walker daily just so he can figure out he can stand on his legs. I have a johnny jump up that he loves to dangle in but he has yet to figure out his little legs can bounce him around and when he isn't eating or sleeping we are working on his movement. It is very important to my husband and I that this kid figure out he can move and NOT for us but for Julian. We are just waiting on Julian now. And we will wait as long as he needs."
With that update Sandy said,"Well his parents just wanted to know why he wasn't moving at all. And I told them I would ask you." My heart broke as she called them his parents. I responded with a disgusted laugh at the thought of the people that hurt him being called his parents and I said,"because his limbs were broken for two weeks and now that they are healed he doesn't trust it won't hurt when he moves. He isn't ready yet. Tell them that." I don't think Sandy expected me to respond in the sarcastic manner in which I had because her face went to shock. At that point I said," It was nice meeting you today have a good weekend." And I walked away.
I put Julian in the car gave him his blanket for the long ride home and we drove off.
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