Dada

As the long hot days of August passed so did my anger. I still struggled daily with all my worries and concerns about our future as a family but I also tried to remain present for every minute I had with Julian. He was changing so quickly and I knew I needed to remember these moments for him. He would someday ask me questions about his first months of life with us and I would need to remember. Not to mention I didn't want to miss anything he did!

One evening he and I were having dinner together just the two of us. My husband was on his way home from work but Julian couldn't wait for anyone if it was feeding time. As I sat in front of him in his highchair I was listening to him talk. Between each bite, he would continue his conversation. Some sentences were very serious and some made him giggle. I just listened in awe and when he would let me I would say things like"I know what you mean" or "You don't say!" His eyes would light up like a full moon every time I said something back to him and then he would respond in only a language he could understand. He loved the interaction and the idea of being able to tell his story and I loved hearing it!

Just as we were getting to the end of dinner we both heard the garage door open. Julian began to wave his hands in excitment because he knew it meant daddy was home. I tried to give him the last bite of food but his excitement got the best of him and he began to squeal at the idea of seeing his partner in crime. I wiped his face and hands and took him out of the chair. Just as I slid him on my hip the door into the kitchen opened and Julian reached his hands out to my husband as if to say hurry up and take me and then he yelled out,"Dada!" A look of shock came over my husbands face because it was the first time Julian had called either of us anything. At first it didn't register with me what had just happened until I saw the joy in my husbands eyes.
As I did a quick instant replay in my mind my eyes locked with Julian's and I said to him,"Who is that" while pointing to my husband. A look of confusion came over his face as if to say...uh I just told ya but he looked at my husband and again and said,"Dada!"

My husband was so excited he came and scooped Julian up from arms and began their evening rough housing ritual. I watched them for awhile as they played in the living room. Julian putting on his charm and telling his dad about his day. While my husband listened intently having no idea what Julian was talking about. It was an amazing sight. While the two of them played I stood at the sink washing dishes and looking out the window and daydreamed out our future. I could see it in my mind. The way it was suppose to be. It was suppose to be just like this. Julian full of joy to see his daddy and me watching my two favorite guys play. I couldn't wait to hear Betty Rose tell me that Julian was going to be ours forever!

Yelling at God

I was standing in the kitchen and leaning against the counter top when my body could no longer hold in the emotions. I felt my knees becoming weak as I numbly walked to the kitchen table. I fell into a chair and as my butt hit the seat my eyes filled with tears and I began to weep. I had no more words yet I knew my brother was waiting for my response on the other end of the phone. I heard him clear his throat and he knew each word he had spoken broken my heart for so many reasons. He then said,"I am so sorry. I wasn't sure I should tell you but knew you needed to know." I wiped the tears from my face and tried to gather any words I could put together in sentence and then responded,"No, I am glad you told me. I may not have ever heard this information if you didn't tell me. I gotta go so I will call you later, okay?" He sounded just as heart broken as I felt when he said,"Yeah you do that. Bye sis."

I only hung up that day to spare him hearing me break into a million small pieces on the phone. Only one of us needed to feel like that and it wasn't him. Before those words I thought I couldn't be broken any more than I already was. I was so angry with Betty Rose for not telling me this information. This was a huge part to the case. If her motivation was to reunify this family what did that mean for Julian and this unborn child? How far along was she? Would social services take this baby away from them? What if they didn't? Would they hurt this child as well? How long had I been kept in the dark about this? Did this give the bios a better chance at getting Julian back?

My mind was racing and tears kept falling. I moved on in my thoughts and away from the fact that this child may be in danger. Instead I began to feel sorry for myself. Not because I may lose Julian but because this woman was given yet another chance at motherhood. She had already lost a baby in Honduras. Julian was living in my home because she was considered unfit and yet God still gave her another chance with this baby. And worse in my mind was that God had left my life in this chaos. Not knowing if I was going to keep this child I had in my home and wondering if he would be taken from me at any moment. Not to mention he never ever blessed me with one pregnancy much less three I would take for granted. What had I done to deserve all this?

I walked outside in our back yard with the phone still in my hand. I knew I didn't want to wake Julian but I also knew I had a few things to say to God and it was going to get loud. As soon as the sliding glass door closed and the hot August air hit my face I began to yell out loud,"Are you fucking kidding me here dude?" My head was raised to sky and my hands in the air and I was pissed. I began to yell at God,"I followed your stupid plan here. You lead me down this path and I followed. You told me NO...loud and clear when I wanted to conceive a child. Then you gave my this child and I loved him as you wanted. I made him my own from the moment I saw him. I have taken every shitty comment and followed every rule that social services has given me. Now you throw this at me? YOU GAVE HER ANOTHER CHILD! How many punches can I take before I am broken enough for you? I am done here...I can't do it anymore! Just have these idiots at social services make a decision. I don't care what it is at this point." I dropped to my knees and sobbed. I began begging to a God I was sure wasn't there anymore,"Just make a DAMN decision! To your will be done right? That is what I am suppose to say? Whatever...you don't love me. You couldn't put someone you love through all this. Are you even there?" As my words stopped the only thing that could be heard for miles was my broken heart pouring out through my eyes and sobs. At one point I was laying on my back in the grass and I noticed my neighbor looking down at me through bedroom window. I couldn't stop the tears so I just rolled on my stomach in hopes that she would just go on about her day and never ask me about this.

I sat outside and cried until I no longer had anymore tears. It seemed as the Julian could feel just when my tear well had run dry because he woke up. I moved from our backyard that day but I stayed numb and full of anger for much longer.

Another one on the way

I couldn't sleep the night before the court hearing. I knew my brother was attending this court date and I was worried about what he would see or hear. I wanted to be there myself but knew I needed to follow Betty Rose's rules in order to keep her happy with us. I hoped my brother would find out something that gave us some insight to the case. Something that showed us that the Judge really knew what was going on here. I also hoped that my brothers cover wasn't blown. That the parents didn't figure out who he was. I was worried about his safety as well. I tossed and turned all night, full of anticipation for the following day.

It felt like I had just closed my eyes when I heard my little man bellowing from the other room. He words were unclear but his motives were never in question, it was time to eat! As I went through our routine my mind raced. I was going through the motions of feeding Julian and even smiling at the times I needed to for Julian. But my mind was just a few miles away in a court room I had never been in. As I cleaned up Julian and his high chair the phone rang. It was my brother.

I could feel his nervous energy through the phone. He was just calling to reassure me that he would be at the court house at 1:30pm and that he would call me as soon as it was over. We talked about all the possibilities and with each worry I had he confirmed he to had the same worries. I thanked him again for doing this for me and we hung up. The rest of my morning was a bit like a dream state. Julian and I went through our normal routine. We even took the pugs for a walk that morning in hopes to run off some of nervous energy. But each move I made was clouded by my own thoughts of what was going to happen. I wasn't even really present in anything I did.

I had just put Julian down for his mid afternoon nap when the phone rang. I jumped at the sound of the ring. It was my brother. I could tell by his tone I wasn't going to like what he had to say. He began by telling me he knew who the bios where immediately because Julian looks just like the father. My stomach ached of the thought of seeing them together and matching their eyes to one another. Then my brother went on to say,"It was really hard to hear everything because I had to sit so far back because there were so many people there. The other issue was there was a Spanish speaking translator speaking for both the parents, their lawyers and the Judge. It was hard to follow who was saying what?" I was frustrated with the process already and my brother had barely spoken a few sentence.

I let out a huge sigh and said,"Describe the dad, did he look dangerous?" I was shocked by my own words. The entire night before I tossed and turned over questions about the case and instead of diving right into those details I went with, what is dad like? My brother responded with a giggle as well, almost as if he was reading my mind,"Well he does look thuggish. But not as bad as I was thinking. He was softer than I pictured. She is really tiny as well. They both seemed very clean and I know you don't want to hear this but they seemed scared." As the words hit my ears I noticed that I could feel the heat rising in my body. I felt the red splotches attacking my chest, I knew I was turning purple. I even began to shake my head like a dog right of the water. What was he talking about? They looked scared? Scared of what? They didn't even care about Julian or did they? I was stuttering with a response," Scared? Really?" And he said,"Yeah, they hardly looked up the entire time. Even when the judge was speaking to them directly."

I was imagining what they looked like as they sat behind the long tables I had seen in the Law and Order Court room. The two of them looking like two scared children. I had envisioned him so hard and cold all this time. What if I was wrong? He was scared? How could this be? Shouldn't he be yelling back at the judge with a few F bombs? Maybe some gang signs? Saying things like, "You will never take my kid away from me? It's my kid!" Yeah I am sure I had seen that Law and Order episode. Instead he was sitting there with his head down looking scared!
I was now shaking in fear. If they really had hearts....how would we ever win this?

With that thought hanging in my mind like the American Flag on a battle field, my brother cleared his throat and said,"Uh sis, one more thing. " I was almost in tears and the anxiety in my chest was causing my heart to pound so loud I was sure it was going to wake up Julian from his deep sleep, even though he was on the second floor. But with reservations I said,"What else?" He said,"The bio mom...well she is pregnant again."