Religion

For the first time I was looking at these parents that were in the system as people not monsters that abused their children. The mother that gave up her daughter was a mother with a HUGE secret and she didn't handle it as I would have but then again how do I know I wouldn't do the same thing in that situation? I have never been there. I have never lived it...who am I to judge her decisions.

One of the other things that we talked about in class that day was religion. Now I know this is touchy subject for people. I mean isn't the saying never talk about religion or politics?? But being the open minded one here I do need to have a few of my thoughts put in black in white if for no other reason than that you may open your mind just a bit for a few seconds while you read my word....my ideas.

The scenario was this....a christian foster family took a child in that was brought up Jewish. They had the child around Christmas time in their home. Every time a Christmas event was taking place...for example candle lit Christmas Eve Service, Christmas caroling or family gift exchange...the foster family would send the child to its room while they participated in the festivities. Again my heart broke for this child...can you imagine everyone having a good time downstairs and you having to sit in your room?

Well it turns out the rules were if you were a foster parent you couldn't keep that child from participating in any of the biological families religious beliefs and you couldn't force them to participate in any of your beliefs as a foster family. This didn't mean you had to take the child to synagogue while you attended Sunday services it just meant you couldn't baptize the child christian because you thought that child would be saved in the after life. Or if the child read the Koran you could make him read the bible. I agreed with all of these things. I think as a society we spend alot of time fighting over who we pray to. Which is ridiculous if you think about it because basically we all pray to the same God its just some of us have a different middle man than others. Like my mom believes in Jesus but other members in my family believe in Baha-u-llah...I have friends that believe Joseph Smith and what about Moses? All these men bring different ways to celebrate life but they all also bring the words of love one another and live good lives. And really if we are praying and believe in a higher power should we really be so angry and judgemental of others? I mean what gives me the right to say my beliefs are the only ones that work? My beliefs work for me but they don't work for some people very close to me. I don't love them any less for it and they don't love me any less. I have come to learn from the differences...I listen to what they believe and they listen to me. It makes it easier to respect one another if we just listen with an open heart. You may not agree and you don't have to...but we do need to respect the differences...and not judge them. If we just worried about our own lives more and other peoples lives less the world might change for the better.

As I listened to this story I felt so bad for the child...I don't think we should make children feel bad because they are being brought up differently than how we see it in our own homes. I wasn't called on by Leyla for this scenario but I have thought about it over and over again in my mind. In my house, I think the God I pray to would think that it would be more important to make a child's heart feel whole by me learning and participating in his religion than to send that child to his room to feel lonely and abandon one more time because of the family he was born into. Or the other option is as a foster family don't take those children in if you can't be open minded enough to love them for who they are. We are all people and children are just little people with bigger hearts than adults. We shouldn't break them continuously.

Diversity

Diverse by definition is: differing from one another OR composed of distinct or unlike elements or qualities. I just love that word. It just sums up everything I love about life. Its why I find myself attracted to people that are so unlike me....even if I don't agree with someones "unlike elements" I am still drawn to them to figure out why they think the way they do. I know I am a very open minded person when it comes to the way other people live. I feel like what people do in their own home is their business as long as they aren't hurting anyone. I see know reason to judge someone by who they pray to or if they fall in love with someone of the same sex or just because they were born with a different color skin than mine....to me we are all people. We are all people that have a story we could share with the world....some have had harder struggles than others but we all have a story. Sometimes we just need to be quiet long enough about our own opinions and listen to someone else's story so we can learn from it.

And that's what diversity training was all about....listening to others stories. We opened up the class as we had done before...introducing ourselves....starting with Leyla. It was a relief to see her. I am not sure what it was about her but she just had a calming spirit that made me feel more at ease so when she was in the classes I could breath a little easier. As we went around the room it came to us for introductions and my husband did the talking. He told them who we were and that we were here to find a child we could give a loving home to. He didn't mention the infertility...he just mentioned the love. So right on cue I sat there with tears in my eyes. I tried to be cool about it...but I am not cool in so many ways so I just looked away and tried to not make eye contact with anyone...of coarse I was headed into code purple mode but the other people in the class didn't know what that meant...so I should be safe. Or at least those were my thoughts!

This time there was no play-doh or crayons on the table...this time there was a basket full of small pieces of paper. Each piece of paper had a scenario on it of a case that had actually come into the system. Each of us was going to stand in front of the class and role play with our scenario. We were going to read a scenario and then talk about it as a group. We didn't know it but the scenarios didn't say how it ended. We were just going to judge the situation off the information given. I was fascinated with all of it....I couldn't wait to hear some actual cases so I could see what we were up against. ...however I did hate role playing because I am not much of an actress and hate being in front of a crowd...I am more of an anonymous author but I went along with it!

The first one was about a biological mother that had lost her job and her and her 8 year old daughter had become homeless. They were living in their car for months when a teacher at school figured out the little girl and her mother were living in a car and called social services. When social services got involved they offered to help the mother by getting her some housing assistance and helping her find a job. The mother refused any help from the county and after months of the county trying to get the mother to help herself social services no choice but to take her 8 year old daughter away from her. I couldn't figure out why a mother would let her child go....why wouldn't she fight? Especially when being offered help?? The more I thought about the situation the more upset I became.

Now don't get me wrong I know I can also be very judgemental. I am very open minded as I said before but I am also human! And altho I am open minded about many things there are a few things I am very passionate about and only see it as black or white. When it comes to abuse of children or neglect I have no sympathy for parents that don't protect their children. I don't care if it happened once or everyday...to me it is totally unacceptable.

Growing up I had a stepfather that had grown up in an abusive home and because he had been hurt as a child....he knew no other way than to hurt us. I can see the cycle now as an adult and I can logically see how he ended up being the way he was....but it doesn't change how I felt as a child. It doesn't change how I thought of myself then or even how I few myself as an adult and it especially doesn't change how it damaged my spirit. I could tell a thousand stories about my childhood and probably 998 are stories that would be of being abused because that's all I remember. My mom likes to reassure me that there were good times but all I remember are the bad times. He ruined every birthday, holiday or major event in my life until I was 18. So if you ask me to have compassion for parents that hurt their children...I can't!

I could only feel for this 8 year old little girl as I heard the story. So when Leyla saw the anger in my eyes she called on me to share my feelings. A million things were going through my mind. Like.... how did this lady get to have a child and she is just giving her up and here I am going thru all this crap to be a mom.....or what will happen to this little girl now...she is 8 will she ever find a permanent home? People like adopting babies not older kids...how could a mother do this? As my mind raced and I heard Leyla call my name I looked up at her and I simply said...I don't know how a mother could do that! Leyla smiled sympathetically and said...are you sure that's all you think? And then before I could open my mouth I was hearing my husband's voice. He was coming in to save me...he said...look we can't have children and now we are hearing about a woman that won't even take a gift she has been given. He said...It pisses me off and I am sure my wife would agree. That's when my mouth opened up and I manged to squeak out...I agree!

The class was silent. Everyone was staring at us. When they weren't looking at us they were looking to Leyla for a response. I don't know if silence was because they just figured out we couldn't have children or because we were so honest....but it was overwhelming for me...I was feeling very judged in that room of strangers. Then after what seemed like three hours Leyla said...that was my first response too. Anger and rage...she said I remember yelling at a coworker about this case. She said...I couldn't imagine what this mother was thinking! We had tried everything to help her and we got nothing from her. She wouldn't even take the first step for us! Then a couple of months after this woman's child was place in foster care we found out she had died from HIV! After all that we found out she was helping her child be placed in a loving home because she knew she was dying and she didn't have any family to take the little girl.

I was overwhelmed with emotion....I was wrong this mother was trying to help her child. If only I had just been quiet enough to listen to someone else's story...but I was only hearing my own! That mother taught me a lot that day.

Keeping the End Result in Mind

As we left the building that day we were both very quiet. There were so many things we had heard and so many things we had to digest. When we got in the car, before we could get our seat belts on, we were both asking each other the same question....do you still think we can do this? We both were on the same page. We didn't know if we were strong enough to go thru what that couple had gone thru and it didn't matter how much we wanted a child. We went round and round about what we should do and talked all the way home. We talked about it over dinner and we continued to weigh our options through out the night...still coming up with no solid answers. Finally we just stopped trying to figure it out and prayed. We held hands in the kitchen and we prayed for guidance. We needed to know God had our backs on this one and so we prayed.

It was a couple days after that the Leyla called me. She had heard we were at the last class and she wanted to see where we were at after all we had heard. I explained to her how we weren't sure we could handle a situation like that. She then went on to tell us that they use the worst case scenarios in the "training" classes so people know what they could be up against. She explained that the more we knew about different cases the easier it would be to decide what we could deal with and what we couldn't. And then she asked us not to give up yet. I didn't know what to tell her so I just told her we would think about it and keep her posted on if we were going to move forward in this process.

When I got off the phone my husband and I talked about it again. We then analyzed every word I could remember that Leyla said. And still no epiphany about which direction God wanted us to go. That Sunday we talked to our pastors wife again we told her the story about our training. We even told her we weren't sure we could do this and she told us the same thing Leyla had....she said, you hear the horror stories and they will scare you...they should scare you they are horror stories....just keep the end result in mind and keep taking the next step.

And with her and Leyla in our corner we decided to take the next step....I called up Leyla and we were signed up for our next class. This one would be on diversity....

The 1st Unimaginable Story

The class opened up with an introduction from a new social worker. Leyla wasn't attending this session and this was a little disappointing as I was hoping to see a familiar face. We once again had to go around the room introduce ourselves and explain why we were there. These classes were not only for our information gathering, they were also suppose to serve as a support group. By introducing ourselves each time it gave us all the chance to connect and the counties hope was you would find someone else to go through this journey with. As we all went around the room there were different faces than last time. Each had a different story and once again we were the only infertile couple in the class. However, this time it wasn't as hard to throw the words out there for total strangers to hear.

The new social worker told us what to expect from the meeting. She told us to be prepared to hear stories from the panel up front. Some of the things they were going to say would be hard to hear. She then explained that the items on the tables (play-doh and coloring books) were there for us if we felt anxious or bored. This technique must work with children...so why not try it out on us! I considered this an odd effort on the counties part...I mean shouldn't we be paying attention...we are signing up to take a child's life into our homes. Every detail should be listened to.. even if we were full of anxiety...we should be taking notes and asking questions not building play-doh people and coloring! And if we were bored we were probably in the wrong place but who was I to judge something that was working for social services. And so I moved on from judging the weird table toys and concentrated on the panel up front.



The first woman on the panel talked about being a foster mother to teen girls. She ran a house that was only for female teens. She told some of their stories...they ranged from physical abuse to sexual abuse. All the stories were heart breaking about these girls. Some were run aways and some where given away. Each one of those girls was suffering thru their own story. Every story I heard about one of these girls put tears in my eyes. I wondered how these girls would ever make it to be strong healthy women. I mean I myself struggled with this due to my past and I wasn't placed in a group home or taken away by the state. For me that added a whole layer of struggle I couldn't even understand...yet I felt connected to them...my heartbroke for them...they must have felt so abandon by the people that should love them the most...there is nothing worse than feeling abandon by your own family. Most of the girls were in and out of system because of abuse or neglect....some were on drugs...some had turned to prostitution....others were looking for that feeling of family by participating in a gang. The majority of these girls had seen and done more in their short life than anyone person could imagine and most of them would age out of the system when they turned 18. Unfortunately, that usually meant they would continue the cycle their parents had started for them. They had broken spirits and had lost hope in a future. There were very few success stories in her house in all the years she had been doing this that went to college and became successful. But her heart had a calling for helping teen girls so she hung onto the few success.


The next person to share was a foster mom and she only shared good stories. Stories about how she kept children until their biological families had been rehabilitated. She did cry in talking about giving back a small child to the biological family that had now grown into a great teenager. She explained that she kept in contact with the child and the tears came when she talked about how gratifying it was to know that child would have a good life and she was proud that she had something to do with it. It was heart warming. I knew in my heart I could never be a foster parent. I could never bring a child into my home and then give them up later....it takes a special human being to help children in need this way. I was there to be a mom to give a child a permanent home so out of all the people up there the foster mom was the one I couldn't really relate to. I was waiting to hear from the couple that adopted thru this system.



The couple that adopted looked tired. Their eyes were telling a story and it looked like they were full of pain. They began their story by saying they couldn't have children of their own and ended up at social services because to adopt thru an adoption agency was to expensive. My heart began to race I couldn't wait to hear how this turned out...finally someone that was in the same situation we were. And they had adopted a child so it must have a happy ending.....right? Their eyes were not telling a happy ending story.

Their child's story was unimaginable. The child had a biological mother that was addicted to drugs. She had taken the baby with her to every drug deal and neglected the baby when she was high. Sometimes she would even give the baby drugs to make it sleep so she didn't have to worry about the baby while she she got her next hit. When she wasn't high she was with abusive men that tormented her in front of the child. The child grew up for three years in this environment. Social services had intervened two other times prior to the final incident and both those other times they returned the child to his mother in hopes that she would change her life...then there was the last time social services got involved....The child was hiding in the trunk of the car when the police showed up and the police were there because the child witnessed his mother being beaten to death by a boyfriend. That was amazing to me...how could the system have failed this child in this way.

Then this couple took this baby in to try and change the way this child saw the world. It had been 6 years that they had the child and the entire family was still in therapy. These adoptive father was telling the story because the mother couldn't get the words out thru her tears. She had made this child her own and now was living with a child in pain everyday. How could a mother endure that kind of torture? The child had to overcome so many adult issues at such a young age. As they spoke and told of all the things they were doing for this child I started to noticed that the one thing they held onto was hope for a better future but the mom never stopped crying.

When they were done I started to second guess our being there. I didn't know if I could actually help a child be whole after a situation like this. and I wondered were ALL the stories like this....were all the children in the system being treated this way by people that should love them unconditionally? How many times had the system sent other children back that ended up hiding in the trunk of a car? I couldn't wait to get out of that room so I could talk to my husband about this. I wanted to know if he was full of fear like I was....I wanted to know if he still thought we could this....because I wasn't sure!

First Day of Class

We were signed up for our first class with social services. The morning we were getting ready to leave you could tell we were both really nervous. We didn't really know what to expect. The pastor's wife had tried to prep us with what they had been through and heard but just like with anything you don't really understand it until your in the middle of it.


We went through our usual morning. I showered first because I take longer to get ready. He goes in second takes like 15 minutes total to get ready and then screws around for the next 30 minutes waiting on me. We hardly talked to one another that morning, I think because I was thinking through my usual what if senarios...trying to talk myself out of it...then talk myself back into it and he was afraid I may cry at any minute so he didn't ask questions.


When we arrived at the county building we were super early so we went and grabbed a cup of coffee first. I guess that is our drink of choice when making life changing decisions. I remember pouring that cup of coffee thinking...I am so nervous I don't know if I can get this coffee down my throat...I better go with the small size! Okay I never get the small cup of JOE! But my life was about to change and I knew it!

As we started to get out of the car my husband asked me if I was ready for this....I just simply answered ...ready as I will ever be...and with that we smiled got out of the car and headed into the building hand in hand.


When we entered the building we had to sign in for security purposes. This was interesting to me because it was just a signature. Our signatures were not checked against any type of identification it was just assumed we were who we said we were...not sure how that helps with safety measures especially when children are involved but we followed the rules. Then we were told where to go in the building to meet with the others that were there for the class and we started our journey down a long hallway.

When we got to the class there were about 8 other couples there. We sat around different tables usually 2 couples per table. In the middle of the table were things like crayons, coloring books and playdoh. We were really unsure now on what to expect. At the front of the room were three or four long tables put end to end...it was going to be a panel of people that were coming to talk with us. There was one couple that had adopted two children thru social services they would tell there story, then there was woman that ran a home for only teen girls and then two other foster families. Each had a story to tell and we would be hanging on every word.

Meet Rebecca

Rebecca and I aren't alike in a lot of ways. To be honest if I met her at a party out just in passing I am not sure I would have ever talked to her again because we are so different. Rebecca is very girly...she is into fashion and trends. She loves to pamper her self with manicures and pedicures. She is always looking for the best skin care products and hair products and I am none of those things. I am not fashionable at all. Usually, I am wearing last seasons or even two seasons ago fashions because they were on the clearance rack and I only buy clothes if they are on sale and most importantly if I don't have to iron them. She dry cleans :) I like manicures and pedicures but I don't do them regularly enough only on special occasions when I want to fee fancy! I do take care of my skin but I use a cleanser and moisturizer because its quick and easy and my hair is washed but never has any product in it! Also, I tend to get along with men better as friends because I am "say it like it is" kinda gal....and girlfriends usually find me to forward because they feel words not think them through like men. Even to this day Rebecca feels my words first and I am usually in trouble over them....but some how we figure it out.

Luckily with Rebecca, I was forced into working with her and traveling with her. When you travel with someone you learn a lot about their habits and likes and dislikes. You also learn a lot about them as a person because your usually at the airport together killing time and then lunches and dinners are spent together. There is A LOT of togetherness in travel.

During one of our first trips Rebecca and I found ourselves sitting on a patio for lunch talking about life. We started to talk about the usual where things people start with to get to know each other.... where we were from....sibilings....husbands...she even asked if we had children. It would have been the perfect time for me to talk to her about it but I was still sizing her up on if I could trust her so I didn't mention it. I did figure out during that lunch that Rebecca was funny. She made me laugh. She was animated in her story telling and when I say animated I don't just mean hand movements...this girl tells a story with her whole body. She will even stand up to make sure you get the full effect...she loved being a clown and I loved laughing with her. It was a friendship in the making no matter how different we were. I didn't know it was God working....I didn't know how much I would depend on her in the future....but what I did know was we had a good time together and I wanted to get to know her better.

Meeting Leyla

We got signed up for the informational class. It was a Friday afternoon and we decided to take the afternoon off after the class so we could talk about what we had heard. With me needing another day off that meant another talk with Jackson about what was going on. In talking with him he was very supportive he knew how important this was for me and my husband so I think if I said I wanted to fly to the moon to bring home an alien baby he would have agreed and brainstormed with me on how to get to the moon. He told me to do what we needed to do. Before I left his office that day he told me that a coworker of mine, Rebecca, had been a social worker prior to being in real estate and he suggested I talk to her about all of this.

I didn't know Rebecca well enough at the time to just go sit at her desk and tell my story. I am not one that trusts people very easily to begin with. I like to listen more than I like to talk. I also didn't know how to even bring it up to her but I did find it interesting she had been a social worker. Was this God working? I decided that if we were going to go down this path after we went to the initial meeting maybe I would talk to her about.

In the mean time I had come up with a list of questions for the pastor's wife and I got her on the phone to go over my list. I had talked about wanting an infant and she didn't know much about the way that worked because her kids were elementary school age. We talked a lot about how much her kids had been through at such a young age and how they were handling all of it as parents. She told me to start thinking about what we could deal with and what we couldn't as far as how the child had been abused or neglected. Then I asked her about the cost...this is what was really holding me back in my mind. I just couldn't see us coming up with the 30K to adopt. Then she said it, she gave me the answer I needed to move forward....you only have to pay court fees...she said they only paid like $300.00 to adopt her kids. That's when my heart skipped a beat. I was excited about this option. Maybe we finally found our answer. Maybe this is how we would be parents....and then there was hope in my heart again. It seemed like a real possibility now.

As we sat in the informational meeting we looked around the room at all the people that were there. Some people were there to adopt a family members child, usually because of drug use by the parent. Some were there to be foster parents...others were already parents they just wanted to provide a loving home for a needy child...and then there was us...we were the only couple that day that couldn't have children and wanted to adopt through social services. It was also the first time we announced to total strangers we were in this situation. I got teary eyed just saying it out loud and the social worker, Leyla, that was hosting the event saw the pain in my eyes...she gave me a sympathetic look as she listened.

We listened to Leyla tell us how it all worked. We were going to have to take 40 hours of training. This included CPR and First Aid....then on top of that we would have to have physicals, a home study and our financials looked at....if and when we were approved we would be considered legal risk parents because we wanted an infant. Basically what that means is if an infant comes into the system they want to place the infant in a long term home right away so that the child isn't bounced around at such a small age when learning to bond is so crucial. Once they assess the situation and determine if the child is going to be returned to his or her biological parents they decided if they should keep the child in foster care until they return to the biological parents or put them in a legal risk home because the case looks like the parents rights are going to be terminated.

There was so much information give to us that day from stats about how many kids are in foster care to stuff we would have to accomplish to get a child. We left with our heads spinning. We took notes...and we discussed every word that was said...we were given stuff to read and then we heard Leyla's story about how she adopted her children thru the system as a single mother. It was information over load.

After the meeting we went to lunch. We talked about it for hours. All the possibilities and the risks. We calculated time off for all these training and we tried to look at it without any emotions....more like a business deal. But you could see it in both our eyes we were excited again. We saw parenthood in our future again....we weren't afraid of anything that was said...we were excited. That is when my husband stepped out in faith before I did...he said when is the next meeting...I will need to get the time off. And with his faith I just followed...full of fear...but I followed. Now it was time for me to talk to Rebecca.

To Fall or Not to Fall

I was at work when I made the call. I dialed the number and I remember my stomach was in knots. I held the phone to my ear hoping to get voicemail....just in case I wanted to hang up. Then before I knew it there I was holding the phone listening to a voicemail....I didn't recognize the persons name on the message...and then without even thinking about it when I heard the beep I left my name and number and asked for more information. As I hung up I thought...I don't think I can do this. It just wasn't the right time. Besides, maybe we weren't meant to be parents...we won't be able to afford to adopt anyway...why should I waste this persons time...all the things I had been repeating to myself for the last few months to convince myself not to take another step in this mommy direction.

Within the hour my phone was ringing with someone returning my call. Before I even picked up the phone I felt my face begin to get red. I was full of fear...when I said hello the woman on the other end of the phone told me she was the pastors wife at church and she got my message and would love to answer any of my questions. I felt my voice tremble. I felt like I was going to cry. I mean the pastors wife...come on! Couldn't it have been some agency I left a message with...or another family in the church....but no it was pastors wife....might as well have been God himself picking up the phone to answer my questions!

As she and I began to talk we had many things in common. We had both been to hell and back dealing with our infertility issues....and we both knew what it was like to lose that battle. As I sat in my cubicle talking to her the tears began to fall. I hadn't met anyone who had gone thru this before. I am the only one in family that has been infertile and none of my friends at that time had any issues getting pregnant. So I found peace in talking with someone that finally got it. After we exchanged our brief stories she told me about adopting through social services. She and her husband had a great experience in finding their children and she believed in the system. She said the first thing we could do was just go to their informational meeting...listen to them and decide if its something we could do. I took down the information needed to get in contact with the county....just in case we decided to go to the informational meeting. I thanked her for her time and when I got off the phone I was already crying so I went to the bathroom and started to talk to God. Is this your plan? How are we suppose to know what to do? What do you want from us??

When we talked about it as a couple over the next few weeks we decided it couldn't hurt just to go to the informational meeting and see what they had to say. And that's what we planned to do. We didn't know if this was God's plan or our plan....but we were taking a leap of faith hoping that this time God was on our side.

It felt a lot like a scene out of an Indiana Jones movie only it was my husband and I standing at the edge of a cliff carrying our hopes in a jar we couldn't let go of....looking down the multi colored abyss that goes to no where....and then looking at each other unsure......we were being chased by the haunted memories of failed IUI attempts and wondering if adoption was our destiny. Arm and arm each of us put one foot out ready to take that step into the black hole... we close our eyes and we both stepped into the abyss....neither of us sure God would be there to keep us from falling!

The Sermon that made me Weep

The trip to Disneyland was probably the best trip we have ever taken as a couple. We not only reconnected with our inner child, we more importantly reconnected with one another. We spent two days in Disneyland running around trying to ride every ride we could. Well except for the roller coasters because I am a barfer and we didn't need that in middle of our fun!

When we weren't riding rides we were running around getting our pictures taken with the live Characters and even going as far as getting their autographs for our autograph book. It was one of the silliest things we had done...and I think that is what made it so special! We saw shows and ate ice cream that looked like mickey....We spent one day at California Adventure Park and another at Universal Studios. We went to Sea World and saw Shamu and even made it to Hollywood Walk of Fame to find Cher's star...yes I said Cher...I love her!

It was so fun and most of all we were free. It didn't matter that we were surrounded by children at the theme parks because we had turned into kids ourselves. We didn't talk sperm counts and ovulation...instead we focused on what made us smile and laugh till our sides hurt. We began to heal. The trip was just what our broken hearts needed.

When we got back home it was easy to slip back into our old ways. My husband began to work alot of hours again and I started to travel more. We saw each other on the weekends most of the time and sometimes not even then. We weren't fighting as often but we weren't that happy couple in Disneyland either. We both were broken and we weren't sure how our future looked now. I guess when your walking down the isle to meet your prince charming and see your future in front of you....you never stop to think what if God throws a huge road block at you? Your to busy imagining all the great things that will come....a home, children, grandchildren...isn't that how life goes?

The one thing we did try and do was go to church every Sunday together. I usually cried during the sermons or the music. Which is funny because I wasn't a crier before. In fact growing up I wasn't allowed to cry but after all we had been thru...the crying flood gates were officially open. Now when I cry it is an all day affair. I guess I am getting out the last 30 years of not crying!

One Sunday we sat down and I was digging in my purse getting my tissue ready for my cry fest. When I looked up only to see that same message came across the screen that had been there a few months before....I remembered it as I read it....If your interested in Adopting or Fostering a child please call this number....just reading it made me want to cry. Was that our answer?

Then as I pondered our future as ADOPTIVE parents the sermon began. The sermon was about how our pastor and his wife and how they adopted their three children through social services. He told the story of how they had been offered other babies and how they got their hopes up and then those babies never came home with them. I couldn't imagine the pain that must have caused. Then after many years of trying to adopt and not succeeding they brought home a sibling group of 3 amazing kids. He explained that the reason the other babies didn't work out is because those weren't the babies God had picked out for them....Although he and his wife may have thought they should have gotten those other children...these 3 kids were always meant to be their kids. That Sunday I didn't cry thru church I wept. How many times did I have to hear that...It wasn't up to me it was up to God!

So on Monday I called the number on the screen....I had know idea it was about to open up a whole new chapter in our lives....I wasn't even sure if we were ready for what they had to say. All I knew was I needed to see if this was an option for us. What I didn't know was if this was the road God wanted us on. Was this was part of his plan or mine???

Going to Disneyland

After that trip to Montana I was a different person. I was a woman with a dream I would never see fulfilled. I had lost all hope in the idea of being a mother. After spending the last three years chasing the dream of carrying my own child and hitting wall after wall, I was finally defeated. I no longer had the fight in me to pursue anything else. I had cried my last tear over being infertile...I could finally admit I was infertile. God had won...I finally got the picture it really wasn't up to me and now I was going to stop fighting.


I had spent so many months doing what all my doctors told me to do. I had taken my herbs and temps....I had allowed my body to poked and prodded in hopes to find a cure...I had even ignored my own feelings and I took the drugs in hopes of fulfilling a dream. Yet still I sat childless.


The one thing I did have was my marriage. It was damaged but it was still there. Luckily my husband is one of the most patient men anyone will ever meet. He also has the heart of a saint. He loves me unconditionally and always has. He is the one person in my life that sees me for who I should be....he doesn't judge me for who I once was...when I look at myself through his eyes I am in wonder of how I got him. He sees more in me than anyone....including myself.


I on the other hand was not a patient wife during this time in our marriage...nor did I have the heart of a saint. I was lost when it came to my marriage. Actually to be honest I was lost in the entire relationship department...friends, family, coworkers...any relationship. I wasn't good at any of them. I was selfish and hurtful more than kind and honorable.

See I was raised in a home where I was taught I wasn't good enough. My mother was married to an abusive man for many years and he told me over and over again how worthless I was...and I believed him. My biological father came in and out of my life but was never a consistent character so I always thought it was worthlessness that kept him away. I was taught by the evil stepfather that fighting both verbally and physically were how you got people to listen. And so that's how I would communicate. I was never aloud to have a voice growing up because my then stepfathers voice was the only one that could be heard in the house. But when I got out of the house where ever I was my voice was heard and it wasn't a nice voice. It was full of anger and resentment.


So to receive a gift like my husband was unexpected. He never left...no matter how many times I tested him. I never was unfaithful to him but I was mean and hateful many times. And when we went thru this nightmare I never once consider what his heart was feeling...I only consider my own voice....my own heart.


So this blog is for him...to let all of you know just how amazing he is. They don't get much better than him...I know that now. But I didn't then. After we found out I wasn't pregnant I pushed farther away from him. I found healing in my family and friends but not in him. I left him to become a workaholic and I resented him for it. When he was home I picked fights. We had lost the for better part in our vows and just moved on to the worst.....


Then one day in church I cried and prayed for our marriage. I wanted us to find one another again and to remember why we had started this journey together....we needed to remember why we had said "I do!" We needed to heal as a couple....we needed a vacation....and so we went to the Happiest Place on Earth....we went to Disneyland.

July 4th

July 4th had arrived and the plan was to head into the nearest town and watch the fireworks there. The rodeo was in town so that was an added bonus as I love to watch the rodeo....well mostly I just love to watch cowboys!!! We all sat down to eat lunch that afternoon and we were hashing out the plans of who would ride with who that night into town and how long we would stay etc. Once the plans were made and bellies were full everyone kind of went their own way. Some went fishing, some just sat around and chatted but I went to go take a nap...another I love...sleep.

When I woke up I noticed I had cramps I was devastated. I knew immediately that my period was just late and I wasn't pregnant. I looked down only to see blood on my clothes. It was not just cramps I had started my period. I immediately started to cry. I knew I would be allowed to cry alone in the tent for awhile but sooner or later my family would come looking for me and I would have to explain. What was I going to say??? As I started to change my clothes I became so angry. I was ready to throw a temper tantrum like I had never thrown before and then I thought of Jackson....oh yeah this is not UP TO ME!!! And then the conversation got real ugly with God....AGAIN....I was dropping F Bombs like a sailor. I was blaming him for causing me all this pain. I was asking him why he would make me tell my husband that I was pregnant AGAIN....it was series of sentences that only God could hear and could understand.

I had been there for about a half and hour yelling at God in tears when my husband came by to check on me. He knew the minute he saw me what was going on and he just held me. It was awful for both of us. As I looked up at him with tears running down my face I said to him....I couldn't do this anymore. His eyes were filled with tears and he said..neither can I.

The emotional roller coaster we were on had taken it final toll on us as a couple. We had tried everything we could morally live with to try produce a biological child....and each time we had failed. Each time it scarred us just a little more. And each time we lost a little more faith in God's plan. It didn't matter how much we prayed or how much we believed in his power to heal....we still weren't parents.

Our marriage had also taken on a huge burden. We were living like two strangers trying to bring a child into the world. We had gotten so far away from the day we walked down that isle and pledged a lifetime to one another. We were falling apart....our marriage was weak.

As we lay inside the tent my mother must have heard me crying because she came over to check on us. And as the zipper started to come up on the tent I tried to pull it together but she knew. And her eyes filled with tears for us. Now one of the things my mother does that I don't do is she finds the silver lining in everything. Even when you don't want to hear it. I need to let life just suck for awhile and she needs to find the good in any situation immediately ....but that day before she could give me her hop back on the saddle speech I simply said to her....I am not doing this anymore. And she said ok. That's when I knew everyone was tired of watching us hurt. Everyone had watched us go through all of this for so long they just wanted us to have some peace...and its all I wanted too. Only I wanted peace that included me being a mother and it just wasn't going to happen.

Day Three Still No Period

Our second day of camping with my family all of us decided to float the Yellowstone River. It was a good thing to do to keep my mind occupied. We had a great day and when we came back to camp I noticed my breasts were really tender. I remembered my cousin, Tori, telling me that was the first thing she noticed when she got pregnant. But I thought....no way it couldn't be....did it really happen?? As we all settled in that night around the campfire I was watching the kids roast marshmallows for smores and I started to imagine our child doing that. It was all feeling very possible. I mean I was never late in starting my period and now I was TWO DAYS LATE!

It was day THREE of no period. I couldn't believe it. If we had been home I would have been at the local drugstore buying a 12 pack of pregnancy test just in case one or eleven of them could be wrong.

That day all the boys went fishing and the girls stayed back at camp. In my family there is my grandmother, two cousins, my sister in law and my mother. My cousins both have small children so they were at camp with us that day as well. For the most part all of us girls get along pretty well. Sometimes with all the estrogen its not so easy to do. Not to mention my immediate family is all a bit like me...strong willed...vocal about our opinions or bossy however you see it...and we like things our way. Hey, I don't see anything wrong with it really...as long as they see it my way...actually I am proud we are such independent women!

The one that was the outsider was my sister in law. Especially with me. Our personalities are complete opposites. She had been with my brother for along time and she always wanted for us to be friends. I just never saw it in the cards for us. I always thought she wasn't the right fit for my brother, he never seemed himself when she was around. He lost his fun loving personality and I hated that. She also wasn't a strong female. And if I believe in anything its that every female has her own voice and should stand up for her beliefs. My sister in law didn't see it that way. She believed the more you did for your man the more he would love you. When she was around I kept the conversation light. I never talked to her about anything that really mattered. She did however know everything about our infertility because my brother would tell her but I never confided in her personally. I just didn't see our relationship that way.

As we all sat around the table that day, just us girls, we started to talk about babies. One of my cousins, Tori, had lived this entire nightmare with me. We had become very close. She listened to me when I cried and she rejoiced when I saw a positive. She had two kids and was pregnant again and she did nothing but hope for us to join her in parenthood. My other cousin and I aren't as close but she was asking me questions and I was trying to give her the information she wanted without bringing up the fact that I could be pregnant at that moment. It was probably the most uncomfortable conversation I had in months because it was such an unknown at that moment. As everyone asked me questions and I tried my best to answer, my sister in law decided she needs to add one of her brilliant comments to the conversation and she says....well if this doesn't work out you just adopt....there are plenty of kids that need homes.

It was never what she said to me it was always about her delivery. She never seemed to sound sincere altho she may have been. Even tho what she was telling me maybe true what I wanted to hear was THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN FOR YOU! As her words hit my ears I felt my face starting to get red and I started to take deep breaths. I said to her ya know...I hope your never in this situation and have to feel this way. I then go up walked away from the table. She may have known the facts from my brother about when our appointments were and what we had done. But what she didn't know was all the emotions behind it. She didn't know how many tears I had cried...or how many cookies I ate. All she knew was we wanted a baby and she had the ultimate solution. She was just the first of many people that would say the wrong thing to me about all of this.

I went into my tent to take a breather and all I could think about is please don't let her be right....please God let this work! When my husband got back from fishing he came and found me and said...soooooooo did you start? I gave him a huge smile and said NOPE! And we both were full of joy.

This Time No Test

The decision was to take the clomid and try insemination again. BUT we had agreed this was the last thing we were going to do. If it didn't work we were done with the infertility treatments. I think we both expected it not to work but knew we had to try.

For my next cycle I was back in to see the nurse. She explained the clomid to me. There were lost of side effects that could happen with clomid. They included breast tenderness, hot flashes and mood swings. Sounds amazing really. I mean what girl doesn't want her boobs to hurt while she feels like her body is on fire so she can yell at someone then cry about it! Normal day right? I listened to all the side effects and took the prescription from her. She must have seen the fear in my eyes because she said...this can help...stay positive. I smiled at her and said ok. But in my head I had no expectation of this working.

I started the clomid in beginning of June and was on it for two weeks. I every symptom the nurse mentioned but especially had the mood swings. The physical stuff was easy for me. I mean there wasn't much my body couldn't take at this point but my head was a totally different story. I was on the verge of a mental break down over all this. One minute I was happy then the next minute I was yelling at my husband for breathing to loud. He could do nothing right and I pointed it out every chance I got. When I wasn't yelling I was crying....it was a mess. I don't know how he didn't kill me.

Luckily after those first two weeks we were back in the clinic going through the ENTIRE insemination process again. My husband went to drop off the swimmers....we waited from them to have their spa day...and then once again we signed off saying we agreed if they gave us the wrong A-team we wouldn't sue. We then found ourselves alone in the exam room with the swimmers in hand...literally. I looked at my husband and said we need to pray over these little guys...and so we did. This prayer was different for us. It wasn't a pleading prayer of please let this work...instead it was a prayer of if this doesn't work please give us guidance on which direction we should go.

We had just said Amen when the nurse came in. This time during the ultrasound we saw 4 follicles. Which gave us double the chances we had last time. My husband held my hand as the small tube entered my cervix and I felt a single tear fall from my eye....he wiped it away and said it's gonna work! And I didn't say a word. When she was all done with the insemination she said...it looks good...your cervix has a purple ring around it that means today is ovulation day so stay positive. I was trying to make everyone feel better by "trying to stay positive" but the truth was I was done with all this madness. I had given up...I felt like I lost the battle and it was time to move on.

Two weeks later I didn't take a pregnancy test....I decided I would wait and see if I started my period and take the test if I didn't start. We were headed to Montana for the 4th of July to camp with my extended family and I just wanted to enjoy the trip without worrying about the results. I was due to start my period on June 30th so we would just wait and see what happened.

On June 30th I didn't start my period...I was full of butterflies. I told my husband as we were unrolling our sleeping bags for our first night of camping. He gave me a huge smile and said maybe it worked.....and I began to get hopeful. I even began to wonder what a child of ours would look like. Would the baby have his eyes and dimples? Would it be a boy or a girl? As we cuddled together that night in our two man tent I fell asleep in his arms with hopes of carrying our child.

Adoption or Clomid

That Sunday we went to church and as I sat down and began to watch the announcements as they rolled across the projection screen behind the alter. There were things like upcoming events and bible studies they were offering or how you could volunteer at the church... the usual kind of things a church congregation needed to know. As I sat there watching the screen I was tired and broken from the events that had happened that week. I had been crying all the time and worse I was eating just as much as I was crying. I felt so lost and to be honest I didn't even want to talk to God. Not if he wasn't going to make this situation better. I had just showed up at church to get out of the house. And so I sat there and pouted like a 2 year old child I read this statement as it came across the screen: " If your interested in adoption or foster care please call this number...." and it gave the number.

So I started to think. Was this something we were suppose to pay attention to? We had talked adoption in the past and both of us had been very open to the idea but we hadn't gone into detail about how we felt because we were just sure we were going to have our children biologically. After reading that statement on the screen I looked at my husband and said should I write down the number??? And he said I think so we may need it in the future. And so I wrote it down.

After church we would always go to lunch. During lunch we started bouncing around the idea of adoption. So many things were talked about. But when it came down to it the biggest obstacle was expense. Adoption in the US is any where from 20 to 30 thousand dollars and outside the US even more expensive because of time off work and flights out of the country and we just didn't have that kind of money. So we left lunch that day knowing we were open to it but not knowing how we would ever make that happen.

My husband had said to me one night...do you think its because we didn't use the drugs. I shrugged my shoulders, looked at the ground and thought I don't know...and that's when I started struggle with not knowing if we didn't conceive because I wouldn't take the drugs. If my husband said this to me then he must want to try again with the drugs and so I weighed my options for a few weeks and then I called Hudson for an appointment. I hadn't seen him since the failed attempt at conceiving. So he relived it with me like he always did. He watched me cry and tell my story. Then before I could even mention that I was concerned it was because I didn't take the drugs...Hudson threw it out there. He said...Now I know your gonna be pissed but I think you should try again. Only this time take the Clomid. I laughed and said...I think so to and then we talked about the next steps.

See my biggest concern was getting farther down this insane road I was on and always wondering...What if I would have taken the clomid would it have worked? I had to exhaust every option. And so with my husband expressing his concern of not taking the clomid and Hudson saying he thought it was a good idea to take the clomid (after all the times he had agreed with me not to take the drugs)....I couldn't help but to listen to my head saying we can do this one more time. However my heart was screaming...what the hell are you thinking?

Writing this on Mothers Day How Ironic.....

Every day after the insemination I waited for some sign of being pregnant. I asked everyone I knew that had children to tell me the story about how they found out they were pregnant. My mom told she knew the minute it happened....my cousin said her boobs hurt the next day...one of my best girlfriends didn't know until she was two months along....everyone had a different answer. For me I felt no different than I did before the insemination. And so the worry set in.

Now I know to most it seems a little early to start worrying just a few days after the insemination but I knew my body. Remember I had seen my body inside and out for the last two and half years. I had become such and expert on my reproductive system that I could feel when I was ovulating or I could feel when something is off. It is something I wish on nobody really. I do think every woman should know more about her body I just don't think every woman should have to go thru all that we did in order to figure it out.

So everyday that past and there wasn't any symptom.....I knew it didn't happen. Everyday my husband said...so how are you feeling? I would say with a smile...nothing yet but its still early. I didn't want him to worry as I had been but my intuition told me I wasn't pregnant.

Two weeks after the insemination I took a pregnancy test at home, per the doctors recommendation. And it came up negative. So I took another one....same result. I was crushed. I had spent that day before taking the test convincing myself that maybe I was just one of those girls that wouldn't know until she was farther along. I had thought about all the fun ways I could tell my husband when he got home from work that he was going to be father....but when the test showed STILL NO BABY! (Yes that is what I read on the pee stick, but it was probably a no blue line instead).....I laid on bathroom floor and cried. I cried and yelled at God. I was hurt and angry and most of all I was done suffering. And so I yelled....Why are you doing this to me? Haven't we been thru enough? Don't you think we will be good parents? And I heard no response...he gave me no burning bush....no angel to console me...he just left me there laying in my own tears with a heart broken on the bathroom floor. And then as I laid there sobbing on the floor Pugsley came over and laid next to me. As if to try and calm me down. I didn't think of it then but now I think it was God that led that little pug dog to stay with me...I think the three of us (God, Pugsley and myself) must have been there for hours before I got up and tried to pull it together before my husband got home.

When my husband got home that night it was obvious what was going on. He knew the minute he saw my swollen cried out eyes. So he sat with me and tried to console me. I was so angry at that point that I didn't want him near me. And so I went into another room to hide from the world and I once again left him to mourn on his own. This was tearing our marriage apart and only he could see it. I on the other hand could only see I wasn't good enough to be a mother. I didn't notice I was being a terrible wife.

You want me to HOLD IT???

As we threw away our coffee cups we headed back to the clinic. This time we had a different walk about us. We were a little more confident and a lot more excited! We had talked about all the possibilities of nursery themes. Going all the way from the usual pink and blues to spiderman and princess themes. We even went over the fact that we could have twins since there were two eggs...and we were great with that! Any baby was the goal...two would be a bonus. Life seemed different on that trip back.

They had been expecting us back at the clinic and were ready to finish up the IUI process. They took us back into a room where I once again found myself on the table half naked waiting to slide into the stirrups...and once again I was doing this in front of my husband. I was figuring as long as there was no mucus talk he should make it thru this.

We sat there for awhile until a tech from the sperm spa came over. She had in her hand a test tube that had my husbands name and social security number on it. She told us the sperm's spa day went well and then asked us to sign a form that said we were taking the little swimmers into our possession and another form saying that if there was a sperm mix up we wouldn't sue. Nice right?? As my husband went to sign the paper work she handed me tube and said, "Here ya go!".....I said, "You want me to hold it?" She started to giggle and said well hopefully in a few minutes you will be "holding" one for a least 9 months. And so I took the tube.

Again it was so strange to be holding what could be half of our child in the palm of my hand...literally. It was probably in the top three weirdest things I have done in life. My husband signed off on the forms and I watched him while holding the tube in my hand. It looked a little like I was 15 years old again and I was behind the steering wheel of a car during my first driving lesson. I kept my arm out strait and I held on to it with a death grip.... The tech had told me I needed to keep the A-Team warm while holding it so I was white knuckled...I mean it wasn't going to be my fault they got cold! The tech left us after she got our paper work and again we looked at each other and laughed. My husband then said...breath and put your arm down...its just sperm....and then I got the giggles.

Soon after that our nurse came in. It was the same nurse I had been with early in the week for my ultrasounds and that helped with the comfort level. As she came in she made eye contact with me then smiled and said to me...Are you ready for this?? I responded with...yes...and I handed her the tube....and then I laid back on the table.

As I lay in the stirrups my husband held my hand. She then started to show us all the tools she would be using to insert the swimmers in to my cervix. First was the speculum or as I referred to it in an earlier chapter...the duck! The duck helps them get a good view of my cervix. Then there was a syringe that had a tiny little hose attached to the end. The syringe sucks out the swimmers from the tube and then with the little hose they are pushed out of the syringe and into my cervix. With any luck this system was going to help us conceive. After going thru all the tools she asked if we had any questions. I think both of us were so anxious to have this happen that we just shook our head no to get her to move to the next step.

Within a minute the whole procedure was done. She said...that's it! And I thought seriously...your going with that's it...you really have no idea what we have been thru. She told me that I should go about my day like I would any other day and that's what I did. With the swimmers inside my cervix I got off the table we left the clinic...I kissed my husband good bye and we went back to work. But neither of us could think of anything else. I even found myself talking to my tummy that day. Saying things like...come on little guys you can do it!

And then we waited to see if we were pregnant.........

Back to Paint

I remember the IUI like it was yesterday. It was probably one of the weirdest things I have ever experienced.

The weeks leading up to the IUI were really no different than any other weeks in our marriage. I was taking my herbs again religiously and we were full of anxiety and anticipation about what the procedure would bring...but basically we had to just live life as usual because nothing more could be done until I started to ovulate.

We had talked to the doctor that first time we met him but that was the last time we ever even saw him or heard from him. After that initial meeting it was nurses that took care of us. Which was fine with us really since we didn't really like the Magic doctor to begin with. The week of the IUI life became crazy, mostly for me not my husband. Although dealing with me on a crazy week is a lot of work for that poor guy! I had to see the nurses several times that week to have a vaginal ultrasounds. This is when I began to feel a little like I was in the twilight zone.

When I was looking at my ovaries, for the 2nd time that week, on an ultrasound I couldn't help but tear up. It was heart breaking to me that my eggs were just...eggs...no baby. I was having the ultrasound to see that indeed eggs were being produced and that the size of them was healthy. But really all I wanted to hear was....you don't have to do this because your ALREADY PREGNANT.....its all I could daydream about as I lay there. Instead what I heard from the woman doing the ultrasound was....see those dark circles on the screen those are follicles it is what we are looking for. I already knew what we were looking for because I had been there looking at these same follicles two days prior but instead of interrupting her I let her talk...she said it looks like you are producing two follicles this cycle. I was so excited that there were still two..that gave us better odds on insemination day. I thought how could it not happen then if there two eggs!!!! She then said...Everything looks good and they should be ready to go for fertilization in the next few days..so call us when you know your ovulating and we will get you and husband right in.

I left the clinic that day and headed straight to the drug store. I was told I also had to do an ovulation test so that meant I had to pee on a stick for the next few days so we would get the exact day I was ovulating. I had also been on top of taking my temperatures for Hudson to give us a better understand of the months prior if this worked....it was just another piece to our puzzle. Just like clock work when my temperature jumped that morning of ovulation day the pee stick also told me I was ovulating! I called the clinic and told them and we were headed down within that hour.

Before we got out of the car we prayed. Again, asking God to hear us and bless us with a child. As we walked down the hallway looking for the office where it was all going to take place I had butterflies in my stomach. It felt more like knots really. I was so torn about just wanting this whole experience to be over and really wanting it to work! And then we were there standing outside the office door....we gave each other the are you ready look and then we walked in. We couldn't believe the other couples that were in the room. There was probably 4 or 5 other people in our same situation sitting there. All of us waiting on answers about our future. I was overwhelmed with emotion and so I just checked us in and picked up a trashy magazine that I pretended to read. I couldn't concentrate on any word I read tho. All I could think was how can there be so many people like us....and please JUST let this happen! I didn't know how much more I could take.

And then they called my husbands name. He had to go across the hall and make a deposit so to speak. They informed him there were magazines and videos of his choice. His face was red immediately at the thought of someone else being able to hear about the magazines and videos. They asked me to wait in the waiting room until he was done. Its hard to explain how weird it is to know your husband is across the hall in a sterile room trying to help conceive a child while I as the wife waited in a waiting room. When I visualized us conceiving it wasn't anything like this...I sat there and wondered if he felt as weird as I did? After what seemed like an eternity he came back to the waiting room. We both giggled like small children on the play ground as we made eye contact. And then he said...this is sooooo bizarre!

The next step was what they call sperm washing...or as I call it...give 'em a bath. What they do is take out only the best swimmers. They leave behind the two headed ones...or the ones that swim in a circle...or the dead ones. And just give us the A-team...which is what we needed only the best! However, it takes about an hour to find the A-team and so we were sent off to get a cup of coffee.

When we left the office hand in hand we both felt it...a spark of hope! This was going to work. As we sat and had a cup of joe we talked about the future for the first time in a long time the conversation was positive. And we began to pick out a theme for that white room. We were back to paint!

And God Spoke

One of the most supportive people in my life during this time was Jackson. I met him at work and at first wasn't sure we could be friends. Jackson was my boss and we traveled together quit a bit. In the beginning we spent most of our time talking about work... he would begin to teach me and I would soak as much of his teachings in as I could....we worked long hours crunching numbers and meeting with the field teams. But during that time there was hardly any talk about our personal lives. Which is why I didn't see a great friendship in the making...Great friends live life stories with you...he and I didn't share stories. I do have to admit I loved it at first not having to hash out my story with another human on the planet and if I had to guess he probably felt the same way. He isn't the most open guy about his personal life. But for me he was a great escape.

The more we traveled together the more we would chat and open up about life and all that life brings. Sometimes it was only conversations about the weather other times we shared stories about growing up. When I began asking for the time off to go to all these "mommy to be" appointments he began to ask more questions. At first I just gave him the highlight show. I didn't tell him about EVERYTHING. I mean he was a guy and not really interested in the details. So I would just say we have a doctors appointment and he would just know I needed the time off. But after 4 or 5 of those "Doctors Appointments" I had to explain we were seeing an infertility doctor. And he was very supportive.

Luckily Jackson is a Christian. The first time I noticed this was our first meal together. We were in a public restaurant and he prayed before we ate and I found that fascinating because he was so private....yet he wasn't afraid to hide his faith. In one of our conversations I was warning him of the first IUI coming up and I would need the day off. Jackson smiled and said..This is exciting right? I almost cried because he was more excited than I could be. Full of fear and with tears in my eyes I said to him.... what if it doesn't work? And he then gave me my mantra line I told myself thru every step we took after that....He said, "This is not up to you. You have to trust in God's plan". From God's mouth thru Jackson's lips it was the first time I was open to Gods plan with this. All this time I was concerned with our plan and never even considered about God's plan in all this...and with that one sentence Jackson became a friend for life.

Our first IUI was scheduled about four weeks after my conversation with Jackson. My husband and I had also been attending the new church for about a month and had gotten to know some people in the church by going to a few different Sunday school classes and asking for prayer. Its funny how hard it is to ask for prayer but after talking to Jackson I knew we needed God on our side. The pastor also does an alter call every Sunday and every Sunday both my husband and I were up there asking God to please watch over us but most of all please let it work...Please let this be the time we conceive a child! And every Sunday I would leave the alter in tears hoping he heard us!

So between our family, friends and people at church we had an army of prayer behind us. And I finally started to have a glimmer of hope that this time I was going to be on the road to motherhood.

Finding a Church Home

After we made our appointment for our first IUI, I decided to give Hudson a call. He was excited. I am not sure I was. The truth of the matter was I was done with all of this. The only reason I kept going to the next doctors appointment was I never wanted to give up as long as my husband wanted to keep going. And I never wanted to regret not doing something....and so I kept going. But my heart wasn't in it anymore. I had lost all faith in becoming a mother.

As soon as Hudson got the news about the IUI he asked me a ton of questions. The first being tell me about the drugs. I told him I refused to take any because of all the things he and I had talked about in the past. Clomid burns out your body's reproductive system. I think my body had been thru enough and of coarse there was the crazy part. As I rambled on all the reasons I said no drugs to Hudson the other end of the line was dead silence. I know he could hear the pain in my words. I then began to tell him about the expense of it all and every other fear I had about it. And then in Hudson fashion he said...This is going to work. You need to believe that and the next thing we need to do is you back on herbs and acupuncture treatments. We need make sure your body is where it needs to be for the insemination. Within two days I found myself back on Hudson's table and drinking dirt flavored herbs...with a hint of cinnamon! But I didn't believe it would work. I hated the doctor but more than that I was tired. It was the first time I felt completely defeated in the process.

Around this time my husband and I also began searching for a church we could call home. This too was a hard process. We did get married in a church but it was a church used mostly for weddings on a college campus and an ordained friend of the family married us. We were looking for a place to call home. We were in need of a church family. It didn't matter what denomination it was because the two of us came from two completely different backgrounds. What mattered most was we liked the sermon and the people attending church. Location was a big concern as well.

So every Sunday we were in a different church and every Sunday we didn't find a home. It was frustrating. Then one day I was driving to my mom's house and I saw a new church being built. I was drawn to it the entire time we watched the construction. The more the church became a building the more my husband and I became excited. After the building was up we noticed the sign said there was a Wednesday night service. So we decided to attend. When we drove into the parking lot there weren't many cars but we headed in anyway. We were greeted by a tall man with the deepest voice I ever heard. He was very welcoming and told us that there wasn't a service because the pastor was on vacation with his family. However, he was a holding a bible study and he would love for us to stay. And so we did. We liked him so much we decided to attend the church service that Sunday. As we listened to the pastor speak we knew we had found the church. And just in time we were getting ready to head down another infertility road and we would need their support.

Code Purple

One thing that I can admit about myself is that I wear my feelings on my FACE. I have been an eye rolling queen since I was a small child. And altho I can control it a little better as an adult...I choose not to. I think its my way of queuing people in on my opinion....altho I am not usually anxious to keep my opinion to myself either. My opinion usually gets me in trouble but I still share it. Also, when I am happy its obvious but when I am upset or angry its even more obvious. I glare like a Lion watching its prey. I am an Irish girl so my face starts to turn a red or almost purple color depending on the situation. It is kind of like watching a mood ring...its easy to see just how angry I am. More red means less angry.... more purple means watch out. The poor Magic Doctor had stepped into a purple minefield and had no idea what was coming.

As I listened to him talk about IUI, two things were happening. First, I could feel my face start to heat up...not a good sign...I was worrying that the drugs were the only cure. I had heard and read horror stories about these drugs...what it does to your body was one thing but making you feel crazy was my biggest concern. I was already feeling like I needed a trip to the local crazy farm just from dealing with all this. Imagine me on drugs...maybe I could cry 5 days out of the week instead of two or maybe yell at my husband and Pugsley more that seemed to help around the house. No matter how I looked it I couldn't let it happened. Actually my exact thought was..."There is no fucking way I am taking those drugs". The more I thought about it the more I felt the heat in my face. The second thing that was happening was I was worrying about the financial part of all this. A lot of our decisions about all these things we had done so far were based on what we could afford. And with that thought I said "How much does this cost?"

It was $1200.00 just for the IUI procedure. The drugs brought your cost up to $1500.00 and then there was the cost of the ultra sound and on and on. It basically came to around $2000.00 every time you did it. We were only allowed to do it for 3 cycles because of the drugs and how hard they are on your body. If we didn't conceive in one of those cycles then his suggestion was to move onto IVF (In vitro Fertilization) and the cost for that were around 25K. When I heard IVF I rolled my eyes and abruptly said,"We have already talked about it and we aren't doing IVF". When he asked why we wouldn't consider it...I told him that I had fears about the drugs that were being used for IVF AND for the IUI for that matter. Then I made the mistake of saying we didn't have the money for IVF. He then responded by saying, "Well I am the doctor and I am telling you the drugs are okay to use. And if money is the concern we are doing and 'experimental' case study right now and I know you would qualify". I was now purple and my husband was now very still and quiet...he knew what code purple meant.

I said, "Well I am the patient and apparently your not listening to me. I have a fear of the drugs. So if I have a fear about the drugs why in the world would I do an EXPERIMENTAL treatment. Now tell me DOC can we do the IUI without any fricken drugs? It seems to me that if we can't find anything wrong then maybe if only the best swimmers were planted in my cervix we would have a better chance at conceiving on our own." And the room was quiet....for what seemed like three days. Then he said..we can try it but I don't suggest it. IUI works best with clomid and I think you would have a better shot with the clomid. In which I responded with my Lioness glare...lets try it my way first! And he agreed.

As we left the doctors office that day I was even more broken. When we walked into the hallway I cried...my husband put his arm around me and I cried harder. I was so tired of being told what to do with my body and getting no results...and then I cried all the way home.

The next morning we set up the appointments for the few more tests with new doctors that the Magic Doctor wanted us to see. Some of them were tests we had already done some of them new tests. It didn't matter tho because even after all those tests we knew nothing more than we did before. Still no big issue to explain why were weren't conceiving. So my next cycle we would move into our first IUI....at $1500.00 because I wasn't taking the clomid....and the best part there is NO money back guarantee!

Meeting the Magic Doctor

When your headed to see one of the best fertility doctors in the country you start to expect big things. We had asked around and gotten references. All the responses were coming back positive. We had heard tons of stories about people that had not been able to conceive but went and saw this doctor and he found the magic cure. So we were off.

When we got to the doctors office we walked in to be greeted by a not so nice receptionist behind the counter. I found that fascinating as every couple coming to see an "infertility specialist" has to be just as beaten down emotionally as we were. So shouldn't the first person you meet when you walk in make you feel at home? I mean we were about to pour our hearts out to yet another person to see if he could help us! If I were a world famous infertility specialist I would have an amazing receptionist that would great every couple that came like they had the golden ticket to come in and see one of the oompa loompa's. I would want them to see that first person in my office and think rainbows and unicorns just so they had a little hope again. But instead we got Mimi from the Drew Carey show...with barely a can I help you grunt we got shuffled off to a waiting area with paper work in hand to fill out.

And so we sat down to answer all the questions on the four page forms. We had answered these questions a million times so it didn't take us very long to complete the forms. How long had we been trying? What tests had we done? Were there problems with my cycles?? As we finished answering the questions I began to look around the room. There were two other couples in the waiting area. Both couples older than us probably in their 40's or so. But we all shared the same look...each of us holding the hand of our spouse and all of us had eyes that showed defeat and fear. As my husband and I heard our named called we got up gave the other couples a smile and a nod as if to say Good Luck!

When we were taken back into the doctors office they had us waiting for about 10 minutes. Just enough time to let the fear really take over. We started asking each other questions...Was he looking over our medical records? Was there something he saw that no one else did? Was it the right thing to do to come here? Then the doctor walked in. The first thing I notice was his scrubs...they were blue like you see on a TV show. I guess I was hoping for the same feeling I got at my first encounter with Hudson. Instead I couldn't tell what I should feel about this doctor because he seemed a little cold. He was shorter than I expected and he made no eye contact with either of us as he shook our hands. He also seemed to be some where else in his head. By first impressions I was very concerned.

He starts the conversation by going over our history and asking us about our tests. This whole process takes about a minute and half or so. Okay maybe 5 minutes. Which seemed like such a short time to explain the last three years of trauma. He then told us that he wasn't happy with the test my husband took to check his sperm count, so he gave us another doctor for my husband to see. Also, I would need a few more tests as well. At this point all I could think was...I am not a voodoo doll. I was done being poked and prodded. My husband had to put a few million swimmers in a cup. Not a hard job for a male. I had to have needles and videos and x-rays and ultra sounds....I felt like there wasn't a part of me inside or out I hadn't seen on film. But all these feelings I kept to myself in hopes he would find something that would help us.

The doctor then proceeded to tell us that if we didn't find anything else in the testing that his best suggestion would be IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). What that meant was they would pump me up with drugs (Clomid) to help my body with ovulation. On the day of ovulation they would have to do a uterine ultrasound (which I won't go into in detail ...you can google it.. but just know... it is no fun!) to make sure an egg was going to release. Once they found an egg or two (because of the drugs you can produce more than one egg) then my husband would give a sample of swimmers to the doctors. They would take out the best swimmers and then insert them with a small tube into my cervix. This would help those poor little guys by not making them have to swim to far to meet the egg. Next thing you know BAM pregnancy! Sounds simple enough.

I FREAKED OUT! I wasn't happy with this answer. Pump my body full of chemicals? Remember I hate pills. And so the fight with the magic doctor began.......