Hey everyone....I know you guys are probably noticing that my writing has slowed down. The truth is my heart breaks every time I write about the days we had Julian. I struggle thru reliving all my feelings that I was going thru then. I also am fighting with knowing the outcome yet writing a story where you as the reader can't tell the outcome. This part has been harder than I thought it would be to share with all of you...but it still is all I think about. So don't give up on me and checking in with the blog!!! Its coming...just a little more slowly now!
Thanks for all the support.
CB
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
My First Letter to Julian
July 22, 2007
My Dearest Julian,
Today is the first day I am writing to you. You have changed so much in the last three months that you have been with us and I want you to someday look back at this letter and know what you were doing and how I was feeling.
Yesterday was the first day we let anyone else hold you besides us. When you came to us so many strangers had been in your life so we didn't want to add to your confusion by letting just anyone hold you. We have taken our time and the time you needed for bonding. But yesterday we went to a barbecue and everyone was in awe of you. You were full of smiles and giggles. It was my good friend Sara that was the first one to hold you. You watched me the whole time to make sure I was close. You also lost the giggles and smiles if I wasn't holding you but it warmed my heart to know you looked for me. It meant in your eyes I was finally mommy and I was so honored to be with you. You did great and everyone fell in love with you, just as I knew they would. Your so easy to love.
Your second little tooth is coming in. To be honest teething is not our thing. Neither you or I enjoy any part of this. We both cry a lot and some days you cry so much you start to lose your voice. All I can do is hold you and cry with you. We also spend a lot of time praying for it to be quick every time we see a new tooth on the way.
My favorite thing you do right now is laugh so hard you snort. It makes me laugh every time. I lay you on my tummy and hold you like I am hugging you then I start to tickle your sides and you bury your face in my chest and laugh until you snort. Today you had me laughing so hard I got tears in my eyes. I love our time together little one. It feels so precious.
When you first came home everyone bought you clothes. Your already growing out of them. Some of them you haven't even worn. You don't like to wear much so you spend most days in a onsie because you get so hot so easily. If you had your way it would be naked baby all the time.
Your favorite food is squash and sweet potatoes. Your eyes light up and you begin to kick in your high chair every time you smell one of them cooking. And when I start to head your way with them you squeal with delight. I make them for you a lot just to hear the squeal. When you eat, you need your own spoon to hold. You like to bang it on the highchair or to chew on it if I am not feeding you fast enough. We can't ever get started with meals if you don't have your own spoon. Baby food is all you will eat right now, you don't like anything solid in your mouth. I have tried many new foods but each time you begin to make this funny sound similar to a cat with a hair ball. I have tried to show you several ways to swallow solid food but you are still trying to figure it all out. I know we will get there.
More than anything I want you to know how blessed your daddy and I are to have you. I look forward to watching you grow into the amazing person I know you will be. I can't wait until you have our last name. Your a blessing baby boy!
I love you,
Mommy
My Dearest Julian,
Today is the first day I am writing to you. You have changed so much in the last three months that you have been with us and I want you to someday look back at this letter and know what you were doing and how I was feeling.
Yesterday was the first day we let anyone else hold you besides us. When you came to us so many strangers had been in your life so we didn't want to add to your confusion by letting just anyone hold you. We have taken our time and the time you needed for bonding. But yesterday we went to a barbecue and everyone was in awe of you. You were full of smiles and giggles. It was my good friend Sara that was the first one to hold you. You watched me the whole time to make sure I was close. You also lost the giggles and smiles if I wasn't holding you but it warmed my heart to know you looked for me. It meant in your eyes I was finally mommy and I was so honored to be with you. You did great and everyone fell in love with you, just as I knew they would. Your so easy to love.
Your second little tooth is coming in. To be honest teething is not our thing. Neither you or I enjoy any part of this. We both cry a lot and some days you cry so much you start to lose your voice. All I can do is hold you and cry with you. We also spend a lot of time praying for it to be quick every time we see a new tooth on the way.
My favorite thing you do right now is laugh so hard you snort. It makes me laugh every time. I lay you on my tummy and hold you like I am hugging you then I start to tickle your sides and you bury your face in my chest and laugh until you snort. Today you had me laughing so hard I got tears in my eyes. I love our time together little one. It feels so precious.
When you first came home everyone bought you clothes. Your already growing out of them. Some of them you haven't even worn. You don't like to wear much so you spend most days in a onsie because you get so hot so easily. If you had your way it would be naked baby all the time.
Your favorite food is squash and sweet potatoes. Your eyes light up and you begin to kick in your high chair every time you smell one of them cooking. And when I start to head your way with them you squeal with delight. I make them for you a lot just to hear the squeal. When you eat, you need your own spoon to hold. You like to bang it on the highchair or to chew on it if I am not feeding you fast enough. We can't ever get started with meals if you don't have your own spoon. Baby food is all you will eat right now, you don't like anything solid in your mouth. I have tried many new foods but each time you begin to make this funny sound similar to a cat with a hair ball. I have tried to show you several ways to swallow solid food but you are still trying to figure it all out. I know we will get there.
More than anything I want you to know how blessed your daddy and I are to have you. I look forward to watching you grow into the amazing person I know you will be. I can't wait until you have our last name. Your a blessing baby boy!
I love you,
Mommy
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Stop Hurting Me Dad
As I was taking the time to calm down, I made eye contact with my husband who happen to be home that day for Betty Rose's monthly visit. It was nice to have him there because then I felt like I didn't have to handle Betty Rose on my own. As he and I looked at one another I saw the fight building in his eyes the way it was in mine. It was like we had this unspoken language when it came to her. As I rolled my eyes he just gave me his, got get her grin, which told me it was time to shut her up. But before I could open my mouth to comment Betty Rose began talking again.
After she had just mentioned how poorly the last visit had gone and how she was concerned about their parenting skills were. She then must have decided that since we were already mad, it was probably the time to drop another bomb on us.
She began by saying, "There is another issue that the bios have asked me to talk to you guys about." I could not imagine what these people possibly thought we needed to discuss through Betty Rose. Just the idea of having a discussion with them made my heart pound and having her involved just caused bigger problems for me. I said, "There is an issue?"
With a nod of her head she began to explain," They think Julian is losing his Spanish words. They would like for you to start speaking Spanish to him so he can understand them at visits. It would be helpful if you could get toys and books in Spanish too. Just think you guys could become bilingual through this experience." I began to laugh out loud. At first I think she thought I was laughing because she made the joke about being bilingual. Really I was laughing at this ridiculous request. It was the kind of laugh that seemed fun at first but by the time I was done laughing she felt like an idiot.
I said, " Are you kidding me? He lost his Spanish words? He is 8 months old and has two words, Dada and Mama, and that is me and my husband. He never had Spanish words to lose Betty Rose. Remember when they broke his legs at 3 months old and lost him, was he fluent in Spanish then and we just missed the miracle of his speech? I can't believe you would ask this of us too. You knew we weren't bilingual when you placed him with us."
Once again you could hear a pin drop in our home due to Betty Rose's presence. As I stared deep into her eyes looking for some response the only thing I noticed was her face becoming very red. Soon she broke eye contact with me and looked over to my husband. He gained his composer much better than I did and he said,"Is that what we need to do? Teach him Spanish so we can keep him?" She said in a nervous voice,"Well it would NOT ensure that you keep him but it will look better for you two if you would try to comply with their request." Then without a second thought my husband responded," Then that is what will do, but not for them Betty Rose, for you. Because you asked."
With that Betty Rose wrapped up her third and what I hopped to be her final visit and left our home. As I closed the door behind her, I turned around to start my bitch session to my husband about her visit, as I got him and Julian in my line of sight I heard my husband teaching Julian how to say," Stop hurting me dad," and "Your not my mom" in Spanish! I laughed until I cried that afternoon. My husband always knew just what to do to make me feel better.
After she had just mentioned how poorly the last visit had gone and how she was concerned about their parenting skills were. She then must have decided that since we were already mad, it was probably the time to drop another bomb on us.
She began by saying, "There is another issue that the bios have asked me to talk to you guys about." I could not imagine what these people possibly thought we needed to discuss through Betty Rose. Just the idea of having a discussion with them made my heart pound and having her involved just caused bigger problems for me. I said, "There is an issue?"
With a nod of her head she began to explain," They think Julian is losing his Spanish words. They would like for you to start speaking Spanish to him so he can understand them at visits. It would be helpful if you could get toys and books in Spanish too. Just think you guys could become bilingual through this experience." I began to laugh out loud. At first I think she thought I was laughing because she made the joke about being bilingual. Really I was laughing at this ridiculous request. It was the kind of laugh that seemed fun at first but by the time I was done laughing she felt like an idiot.
I said, " Are you kidding me? He lost his Spanish words? He is 8 months old and has two words, Dada and Mama, and that is me and my husband. He never had Spanish words to lose Betty Rose. Remember when they broke his legs at 3 months old and lost him, was he fluent in Spanish then and we just missed the miracle of his speech? I can't believe you would ask this of us too. You knew we weren't bilingual when you placed him with us."
Once again you could hear a pin drop in our home due to Betty Rose's presence. As I stared deep into her eyes looking for some response the only thing I noticed was her face becoming very red. Soon she broke eye contact with me and looked over to my husband. He gained his composer much better than I did and he said,"Is that what we need to do? Teach him Spanish so we can keep him?" She said in a nervous voice,"Well it would NOT ensure that you keep him but it will look better for you two if you would try to comply with their request." Then without a second thought my husband responded," Then that is what will do, but not for them Betty Rose, for you. Because you asked."
With that Betty Rose wrapped up her third and what I hopped to be her final visit and left our home. As I closed the door behind her, I turned around to start my bitch session to my husband about her visit, as I got him and Julian in my line of sight I heard my husband teaching Julian how to say," Stop hurting me dad," and "Your not my mom" in Spanish! I laughed until I cried that afternoon. My husband always knew just what to do to make me feel better.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Dad Passes the Polygraph
By mid July I was back to seeing social workers again. I dreaded the week that I had to go through this but I knew it was something I had to do in order to keep Julian in the end. My heart sank at the thought of Betty Rose telling me once again I wasn't his mother. Yet, I still was hopeful that this months visit she would have some new information that would make this visit her last visit. I hoped for a major change in the case or any information that would make my husband and I feel more confident that the case would quickly come to an end. However, the month of July did not give us that relief.
When Betty Rose came to our home she began by telling us that bio dad passed a polygraph test saying he didn't cause the injuries. She also mentioned that mom couldn't take her polygraph test until the baby she was pregnant with was born because a polygraph reads off of heartbeats and it would give a false reading with the babies heart beat as well. When I asked her what that meant for Julian's case she never had an answer. It was always well we need to wait and see what "mom's" results are. I found it so strange that so much of the case revolved around polygraph tests because in criminal court polygraph tests are hardly ever used as evidence. In the 1998 Supreme Court case, United States v. Scheffer, the majority stated that “There is simply no consensus that polygraph evidence is reliable.” If the Supreme Court ruled this way then why the hell were we putting our resources in this? The truth is a polygraph can easily give a false reading if the questions are asked incorrectly or I don't know they are asked in English then translated to Spanish! This is what happened with the bios. The questions were asked in English to a Spanish translator that then asked the bios the questions in Spanish. Or the results can give a false reading if the person taking the polygraph is a professional liar. What ever the reason, usually the courts don't allow polygraph results into evidence.
Needless to say, I was confused and angered by the fact that it was so important for all the adults in this case to take a polygraph test if they weren't admissible in court. And each time one of these adults, that were in Julian's life, took a test and the results came in it seemed almost like useless information to Betty Rose. She never had an opinion on it. The police never made an arrest based on the information. Yet Betty Rose always found it important to tell us what the results were and when I asked what that meant for the case..she would say," Well we just have to wait and see." Wait and see....this was suppose to be a quick case and here we are 3 months into it and nothing has changed. We were sitting there having the same conversation we had the last two months. Where was the break down?
Betty Rose was probably one of the most frustrating people I have ever met. Each time she came to our home I hoped she would show me a different side of her. A side of compassion and gratitude for my husband and I. But instead every time she was there she broke our hearts just a little bit more. Even when she thought she was giving us news we would want to hear. Like supervised visitation wasn't going well. That should be a point for us, the good guys, right? Instead she told this story.
"The last visit didn't go very well. Mom and Dad are still overstimulating Julian in the visit. So much so that he became hysterical from having rattles and toys shaken in face for 30 minutes. He was crying and they kept shaking toys in his face instead of figuring out ways to sooth him. I had to make each of them stand on separate sides of the room and alternate holding him. When he finally calmed down he fell asleep for the rest of the visit." The room went silent after her story. I must have been looking at her like I saw aliens coming out of her head because she then made eye ontact and said "What?" My heart sank as she told this story. Were my husband and I the only two in the case that saw it was a problem for Julian to cry for 30 minutes about over stimulation? And had it occurred to her she also didn't mention they had tried to feed him that visit.
As I tried to gather my thoughts and clean up my language before I spoke to her, I felt my little man in my lap. Was it worth even bringing any of my concerns up to her? Would she listen? I kissed Julian's little head and took a deep breath.
When Betty Rose came to our home she began by telling us that bio dad passed a polygraph test saying he didn't cause the injuries. She also mentioned that mom couldn't take her polygraph test until the baby she was pregnant with was born because a polygraph reads off of heartbeats and it would give a false reading with the babies heart beat as well. When I asked her what that meant for Julian's case she never had an answer. It was always well we need to wait and see what "mom's" results are. I found it so strange that so much of the case revolved around polygraph tests because in criminal court polygraph tests are hardly ever used as evidence. In the 1998 Supreme Court case, United States v. Scheffer, the majority stated that “There is simply no consensus that polygraph evidence is reliable.” If the Supreme Court ruled this way then why the hell were we putting our resources in this? The truth is a polygraph can easily give a false reading if the questions are asked incorrectly or I don't know they are asked in English then translated to Spanish! This is what happened with the bios. The questions were asked in English to a Spanish translator that then asked the bios the questions in Spanish. Or the results can give a false reading if the person taking the polygraph is a professional liar. What ever the reason, usually the courts don't allow polygraph results into evidence.
Needless to say, I was confused and angered by the fact that it was so important for all the adults in this case to take a polygraph test if they weren't admissible in court. And each time one of these adults, that were in Julian's life, took a test and the results came in it seemed almost like useless information to Betty Rose. She never had an opinion on it. The police never made an arrest based on the information. Yet Betty Rose always found it important to tell us what the results were and when I asked what that meant for the case..she would say," Well we just have to wait and see." Wait and see....this was suppose to be a quick case and here we are 3 months into it and nothing has changed. We were sitting there having the same conversation we had the last two months. Where was the break down?
Betty Rose was probably one of the most frustrating people I have ever met. Each time she came to our home I hoped she would show me a different side of her. A side of compassion and gratitude for my husband and I. But instead every time she was there she broke our hearts just a little bit more. Even when she thought she was giving us news we would want to hear. Like supervised visitation wasn't going well. That should be a point for us, the good guys, right? Instead she told this story.
"The last visit didn't go very well. Mom and Dad are still overstimulating Julian in the visit. So much so that he became hysterical from having rattles and toys shaken in face for 30 minutes. He was crying and they kept shaking toys in his face instead of figuring out ways to sooth him. I had to make each of them stand on separate sides of the room and alternate holding him. When he finally calmed down he fell asleep for the rest of the visit." The room went silent after her story. I must have been looking at her like I saw aliens coming out of her head because she then made eye ontact and said "What?" My heart sank as she told this story. Were my husband and I the only two in the case that saw it was a problem for Julian to cry for 30 minutes about over stimulation? And had it occurred to her she also didn't mention they had tried to feed him that visit.
As I tried to gather my thoughts and clean up my language before I spoke to her, I felt my little man in my lap. Was it worth even bringing any of my concerns up to her? Would she listen? I kissed Julian's little head and took a deep breath.
Monday, August 17, 2009
July 4th
It was our first July 4th as a family. Julian had on a cute little onsie that said MY FIRST 4th OF JULY! His eyes were full of life and his hair was wild but my favorite part of the day was he was back to being a little chatter box. I loved hearing Mama and Dada every three seconds. It was one of the many gifts he gave us. And each time he said it he melted my heart. Our little man still wouldn't put weight on his legs but he had gotten to the point where he was trying to move a little and he was finally sitting up again. Two weeks had passed since had gotten his vaccinations and it had taken him that long to move around enough to know he could sit up again, but he still did not trust that there wouldn't be pain in his legs. The truth was none of that even mattered to us that day. The only thing that mattered was it was a holiday which meant no doctors appointments, or social services visits. It was our day to be a family without anything reminding us that he wasn't ours yet.
We all got and the car and headed to my mom's house to BBQ. Julian's favorite pass time in life was being spoiled by Gramma. As soon as we mentioned Gramma's name he was looking around for her with a HUGE toothless grin. Our first 4th of July was turning out just as I had imagined. Julian was in good spirits we were surrounded by our family and the best part was making huge ice cream sundaes at dusk. We even took our first family photo that day. All three of us sat in front of one HUGE sundae and while my husband and I are smiling for the camera, Julian began digging in the ice cream oblivious that any of us are there. All he could think was bring on the ice cream! We were all so happy that day.
It was days like that one that gave me the strength keep going. To continue my constant battle to keep Julian. To fight anyone who told me he had a future without us. To take on a broken system that didn't see us as his parents, although it was obvious when Julian called me Mama and my husband Dada that we were the only ones he knew to love and take care of him. I remember looking around at the BBQ and thinking we were his family now and I was so relieved that day there was no reminder they we weren't. It was moments like the 4th of July that made me feel positive that God was on our side.
We all got and the car and headed to my mom's house to BBQ. Julian's favorite pass time in life was being spoiled by Gramma. As soon as we mentioned Gramma's name he was looking around for her with a HUGE toothless grin. Our first 4th of July was turning out just as I had imagined. Julian was in good spirits we were surrounded by our family and the best part was making huge ice cream sundaes at dusk. We even took our first family photo that day. All three of us sat in front of one HUGE sundae and while my husband and I are smiling for the camera, Julian began digging in the ice cream oblivious that any of us are there. All he could think was bring on the ice cream! We were all so happy that day.
It was days like that one that gave me the strength keep going. To continue my constant battle to keep Julian. To fight anyone who told me he had a future without us. To take on a broken system that didn't see us as his parents, although it was obvious when Julian called me Mama and my husband Dada that we were the only ones he knew to love and take care of him. I remember looking around at the BBQ and thinking we were his family now and I was so relieved that day there was no reminder they we weren't. It was moments like the 4th of July that made me feel positive that God was on our side.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Taking a Huge Step Backward
After leaving the doctors office that day Julian became very cranky. He cried all the way home while we were in the car. When we got home he would eat or sleep. And then I noticed he felt very warm. When I took his temp it was 101. The doctor had given me things that could happen after shots and running a fever was on the list of side effects. So I sent my husband to the drug store to get something to bring his fever down while I tried a cool bath to break his fever.
Usually Julian loved bath time. He had tons of bath toys and he always enjoyed splashing around. But on this day his little mind was preoccupied with not feeling well. When I set him in the cool water he screamed. At first I thought the water was to cold but when I looked at the temperature it was just room temp. And so then I just knew the screaming was because he didn't feel good. It was a scream that tore my heart out. Julian only let out this scream when he was at the end of his rope. I couldn't imagine anything worse than listening to him scream like this when his bones were broken, he must have cried like this for two weeks! I am sure if the neighbors heard him crying that day I had him in the bathtub, they probably did think I was doing something awful to him. But I knew that I had to get that fever to break.
With in minutes my husband was in the bathroom with us trying to get Julian to calm down long enough to give him some medicine to help break the fever. And as always my husband was the one that got Julian to take a breath. As we got him out of the bathtub and into his jamies it was obvious the fever had broke. It was a huge relief to us both. Then with a belly full of food Julian went down for the night.
As my husband and I got ready for bed I went in to check on Julian as I always did and he seemed to be sound asleep. He was still sleeping on his belly and as I walked out of the room I asked my husband, "Do you think that kid will ever roll over?" With us both giggling about our son we crawled into bed and fell asleep as soon as we hit the pillow. Any day as a parent of an 6 month old is exhausting but the days that involved doctors visits and a fever are even harder so falling asleep that night was not a problem for either of us. Within two hours of us sleeping we woke up to Julian's terror scream again. I jumped out of bed thinking only the worst...had he hurt himself....was he stuck in the crib??? When I entered the room Julian was screaming like he was on fire and as I picked him up he was soaking wet. The fever was back. And so with all of us up again we were back to trying to get Julian comfortable so we could all get some sleep.
It took my husband and I hours to get the fever to break...we administered more medication. We stripped his jamies off and were putting cold towels on him to cool him off. Just as I was about to get everyone in the car and head to the closest emergency room the fever broke and Julian fell asleep in my arms as I rocked him.
Once again we were all back to sleep and the house was quiet. Julian didn't move the rest of the night. He managed to keep his temperature down and I thought we had gotten through the worst of it. The next morning my internal alarm woke me up before Julian did. I looked at the clock and it was only 5:30. It had been a hard night for my little man so I just let him sleep. I went down to make coffee and was just pouring myself a cup when I heard him whimpering through the baby monitor. It was an odd cry for him it didn't sound like the usual "come get me outta this crib" cry instead it was more of a "are you kidding me with these shots" cry....but either way it sounded like he was up.
When I got upstairs he was in his crib laying face down like he use to when we first brought him home. He didn't move an inch when I started to talk to him. Instead he just cried. I picked him up and gave him his good morning kiss and he felt a little warm. Not to terrible just warmer than usual. But what was more strange to me was he was barely moving at all. I changed his diaper threw him on my right hip and we started to head downstairs for breakfast. As I wrapped my arm around his little leg like I always did he let out that same scream I had heard the night before.
It was at that moment that I figured out that Julian thought his little legs were broken again because of the pain from the shots. I wiped his tears and kissed his forehead and I started to sing Jesus Loves Me to get him to calm down. By the time we got downstairs his little face was still full of stress but the tears had stopped. I wanted to test my theory about his legs and so before I fed him breakfast I sat him on my lap and tried to get him to put weight on his legs. He wouldn't do it. He was back to acting like a slug. I couldn't blame him really. All he knew was there was pain again in his legs. He wasn't going to move because he didn't want to have to feel the pain.
I called the doctor later that morning and explained how our night had gone with his fever and now how he was dealing with the pain. She explained that some children just reacted that way to vaccinations and asked me to give him three days before we brought him in or if we couldn't keep the fever down then call back. So for three days we fought fever and pain with Julian. Every six to eight hours the medication would run its coarse and the screaming would start. There were cool baths, night sweats and lots of tears from all of us in those three days. We were all so tired and overwhelmed by it all. But by the end of day 3 our little Julian was back. He was smiling and talking. He ate and seemed like the little baby we had grown to love. Everything was the same except Julian still wouldn't move his legs.
Usually Julian loved bath time. He had tons of bath toys and he always enjoyed splashing around. But on this day his little mind was preoccupied with not feeling well. When I set him in the cool water he screamed. At first I thought the water was to cold but when I looked at the temperature it was just room temp. And so then I just knew the screaming was because he didn't feel good. It was a scream that tore my heart out. Julian only let out this scream when he was at the end of his rope. I couldn't imagine anything worse than listening to him scream like this when his bones were broken, he must have cried like this for two weeks! I am sure if the neighbors heard him crying that day I had him in the bathtub, they probably did think I was doing something awful to him. But I knew that I had to get that fever to break.
With in minutes my husband was in the bathroom with us trying to get Julian to calm down long enough to give him some medicine to help break the fever. And as always my husband was the one that got Julian to take a breath. As we got him out of the bathtub and into his jamies it was obvious the fever had broke. It was a huge relief to us both. Then with a belly full of food Julian went down for the night.
As my husband and I got ready for bed I went in to check on Julian as I always did and he seemed to be sound asleep. He was still sleeping on his belly and as I walked out of the room I asked my husband, "Do you think that kid will ever roll over?" With us both giggling about our son we crawled into bed and fell asleep as soon as we hit the pillow. Any day as a parent of an 6 month old is exhausting but the days that involved doctors visits and a fever are even harder so falling asleep that night was not a problem for either of us. Within two hours of us sleeping we woke up to Julian's terror scream again. I jumped out of bed thinking only the worst...had he hurt himself....was he stuck in the crib??? When I entered the room Julian was screaming like he was on fire and as I picked him up he was soaking wet. The fever was back. And so with all of us up again we were back to trying to get Julian comfortable so we could all get some sleep.
It took my husband and I hours to get the fever to break...we administered more medication. We stripped his jamies off and were putting cold towels on him to cool him off. Just as I was about to get everyone in the car and head to the closest emergency room the fever broke and Julian fell asleep in my arms as I rocked him.
Once again we were all back to sleep and the house was quiet. Julian didn't move the rest of the night. He managed to keep his temperature down and I thought we had gotten through the worst of it. The next morning my internal alarm woke me up before Julian did. I looked at the clock and it was only 5:30. It had been a hard night for my little man so I just let him sleep. I went down to make coffee and was just pouring myself a cup when I heard him whimpering through the baby monitor. It was an odd cry for him it didn't sound like the usual "come get me outta this crib" cry instead it was more of a "are you kidding me with these shots" cry....but either way it sounded like he was up.
When I got upstairs he was in his crib laying face down like he use to when we first brought him home. He didn't move an inch when I started to talk to him. Instead he just cried. I picked him up and gave him his good morning kiss and he felt a little warm. Not to terrible just warmer than usual. But what was more strange to me was he was barely moving at all. I changed his diaper threw him on my right hip and we started to head downstairs for breakfast. As I wrapped my arm around his little leg like I always did he let out that same scream I had heard the night before.
It was at that moment that I figured out that Julian thought his little legs were broken again because of the pain from the shots. I wiped his tears and kissed his forehead and I started to sing Jesus Loves Me to get him to calm down. By the time we got downstairs his little face was still full of stress but the tears had stopped. I wanted to test my theory about his legs and so before I fed him breakfast I sat him on my lap and tried to get him to put weight on his legs. He wouldn't do it. He was back to acting like a slug. I couldn't blame him really. All he knew was there was pain again in his legs. He wasn't going to move because he didn't want to have to feel the pain.
I called the doctor later that morning and explained how our night had gone with his fever and now how he was dealing with the pain. She explained that some children just reacted that way to vaccinations and asked me to give him three days before we brought him in or if we couldn't keep the fever down then call back. So for three days we fought fever and pain with Julian. Every six to eight hours the medication would run its coarse and the screaming would start. There were cool baths, night sweats and lots of tears from all of us in those three days. We were all so tired and overwhelmed by it all. But by the end of day 3 our little Julian was back. He was smiling and talking. He ate and seemed like the little baby we had grown to love. Everything was the same except Julian still wouldn't move his legs.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Just tell the Truth
After meeting Julian's G.A.L we were on top of the world as a family. We were once again feeling secure about Julian's case and the evidence against the bios. We were working on his physical strength and endurance, and he was blossoming like a rose in spring. Life for those four days between meeting Julian's G.A.L and Betty Rose's monthly home visit was good!
It was amazing what a few days of freedom away from social services could do for our family. When we were free of visits to our our home, physical therapy or supervised visits with the bios. We felt free. We did things like go to the zoo or swing on the swings park. Sometimes just taking long walks and enjoying the sun on our faces made us all feel stress free and full of joy.
And then there were days that Betty Rose came to our home. She seemed to be the thief that stole our joy. That turned our world from feeling freedom to feeling like a slave to fear and doubt. Her second visit wasn't much better than the first. In fact to me it was worse than the first.
She once again rambled on about a baby fix and immediately snatched Julian up from his toys so she could cuddle with him. She kissed his face and talked nonsense to him for the first 15 minutes of the visit. I had decided this time I was going to let her lead the visit instead of me asking all the questions to see if maybe our last visit was just a "bad day" for her. But after listening to her for 15 minutes ramble on to Julian and not ask me one thing about his care I could no longer hold my tongue.
And so with a deep breath I said, "So how is the case going?" As I watched her facial expressions change I could tell she didn't like the idea of me having any information about the case. I couldn't figure that out because to me even if it was bad news for my husband and I the truth was better than not knowing anything at all. I studied her eyes as if looking for a clue to the truth but all I saw in her eyes was disgust. She said," Well your not going to like this but the babysitter took a polygraph test and failed it. So it looks like she might be the one that caused the injuries not mom and dad."
My heart sank and I began to panic. I wasn't sure how polygraphs held up in court but I was sure these people weren't smart enough to pass a polygraph test. So what if the babysitter did do it? Would that change how this case went? They still had the unexplained death of their first child and his wrist was broken for a week before the second injuries to his legs occurred. And what about the fact that they still waited another week before taking him to the hospital. Did any of that matter or was she about to tell me that all that mattered was this polygraph.
With a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes I asked, "So what does that mean?" She said," Well nothing yet. But if the parents aren't guilty he needs to be returned home to them." I hated the way she just threw words out at me and disregarded our feelings. I hated how she never gave us credit for loving him and taking care of him. I knew from our first visit that she couldn't be trusted with my heart but I also knew she held the cards. With those words she just threw out there she made it very clear I wasn't his mother and the truth was she really didn't see me being his mother in the future she just didn't have the guts to throw it out there for me to hear.
She saw the rage in my eyes when I heard her say that he needed to be returned home. What the hell was she talking about? HE WAS HOME! She was sitting with him in his home. My face was getting to the purple stage I could tell by the heat I was feeling. I wanted to tear her apart for even thinking that my child would go back to those people. But as I gathered my thoughts and held in the cuss words I smiled at her and looked into her now fearful eyes and said, "Have you figured out how the first child died?" She quickly said, "Not yet." I said, "Interesting. Have you for sure ruled mom and dad out as suspects? I mean have the police arrested the babysitter?"
I heard her swallow hard like her throat was closing from the truth in which she was about to speak. At that moment I took my son from her and said, "How are the visits going when they have him for just one hour a week? Are they becoming the parents you want them to be so he can GO HOME?"
Her eyes grew softer I think in hopes that I would calm down. It was the first time I saw her look human. She said, "Well the truth is visits aren't going great. They can't seem to figure out the formula thing so they haven't been feeding him. When they have him they are overstimulating him so he cries most of the time. They can't seem to bond with him and I can physically watch him relax when I take him out of the room from being with them. Your right we still don't have all the facts about the first infants death. Mom's story about how the baby died just doesn't seem right but I don't have a death certificate to back up how the baby died. I need to get that from Honduras. And no the police haven't made an arrest. They actually think that even though the babysitter failed the polygraph, dad is the number one suspect that caused the injuries."
I couldn't believe her. After all the crap about reunification and sending him home, she wasn't convinced that was even a possibility. I disliked her even more after she spilled her guts about the case. Sure she was finally honest about the facts but the truth was she knew this the entire time and refused to tell me until I was angry.
I said, "Betty Rose, thank you for the information. It sounds like there is still alot to be figured out on this case. I also think its time for Julian's nap so maybe you can call me later and we will set up next months appointment." I then opened the front door to let her know it was time for her to leave. As she was walking out she once again kissed Julian's face and said good bye to me and I gently closed the door behind her.
It was amazing what a few days of freedom away from social services could do for our family. When we were free of visits to our our home, physical therapy or supervised visits with the bios. We felt free. We did things like go to the zoo or swing on the swings park. Sometimes just taking long walks and enjoying the sun on our faces made us all feel stress free and full of joy.
And then there were days that Betty Rose came to our home. She seemed to be the thief that stole our joy. That turned our world from feeling freedom to feeling like a slave to fear and doubt. Her second visit wasn't much better than the first. In fact to me it was worse than the first.
She once again rambled on about a baby fix and immediately snatched Julian up from his toys so she could cuddle with him. She kissed his face and talked nonsense to him for the first 15 minutes of the visit. I had decided this time I was going to let her lead the visit instead of me asking all the questions to see if maybe our last visit was just a "bad day" for her. But after listening to her for 15 minutes ramble on to Julian and not ask me one thing about his care I could no longer hold my tongue.
And so with a deep breath I said, "So how is the case going?" As I watched her facial expressions change I could tell she didn't like the idea of me having any information about the case. I couldn't figure that out because to me even if it was bad news for my husband and I the truth was better than not knowing anything at all. I studied her eyes as if looking for a clue to the truth but all I saw in her eyes was disgust. She said," Well your not going to like this but the babysitter took a polygraph test and failed it. So it looks like she might be the one that caused the injuries not mom and dad."
My heart sank and I began to panic. I wasn't sure how polygraphs held up in court but I was sure these people weren't smart enough to pass a polygraph test. So what if the babysitter did do it? Would that change how this case went? They still had the unexplained death of their first child and his wrist was broken for a week before the second injuries to his legs occurred. And what about the fact that they still waited another week before taking him to the hospital. Did any of that matter or was she about to tell me that all that mattered was this polygraph.
With a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes I asked, "So what does that mean?" She said," Well nothing yet. But if the parents aren't guilty he needs to be returned home to them." I hated the way she just threw words out at me and disregarded our feelings. I hated how she never gave us credit for loving him and taking care of him. I knew from our first visit that she couldn't be trusted with my heart but I also knew she held the cards. With those words she just threw out there she made it very clear I wasn't his mother and the truth was she really didn't see me being his mother in the future she just didn't have the guts to throw it out there for me to hear.
She saw the rage in my eyes when I heard her say that he needed to be returned home. What the hell was she talking about? HE WAS HOME! She was sitting with him in his home. My face was getting to the purple stage I could tell by the heat I was feeling. I wanted to tear her apart for even thinking that my child would go back to those people. But as I gathered my thoughts and held in the cuss words I smiled at her and looked into her now fearful eyes and said, "Have you figured out how the first child died?" She quickly said, "Not yet." I said, "Interesting. Have you for sure ruled mom and dad out as suspects? I mean have the police arrested the babysitter?"
I heard her swallow hard like her throat was closing from the truth in which she was about to speak. At that moment I took my son from her and said, "How are the visits going when they have him for just one hour a week? Are they becoming the parents you want them to be so he can GO HOME?"
Her eyes grew softer I think in hopes that I would calm down. It was the first time I saw her look human. She said, "Well the truth is visits aren't going great. They can't seem to figure out the formula thing so they haven't been feeding him. When they have him they are overstimulating him so he cries most of the time. They can't seem to bond with him and I can physically watch him relax when I take him out of the room from being with them. Your right we still don't have all the facts about the first infants death. Mom's story about how the baby died just doesn't seem right but I don't have a death certificate to back up how the baby died. I need to get that from Honduras. And no the police haven't made an arrest. They actually think that even though the babysitter failed the polygraph, dad is the number one suspect that caused the injuries."
I couldn't believe her. After all the crap about reunification and sending him home, she wasn't convinced that was even a possibility. I disliked her even more after she spilled her guts about the case. Sure she was finally honest about the facts but the truth was she knew this the entire time and refused to tell me until I was angry.
I said, "Betty Rose, thank you for the information. It sounds like there is still alot to be figured out on this case. I also think its time for Julian's nap so maybe you can call me later and we will set up next months appointment." I then opened the front door to let her know it was time for her to leave. As she was walking out she once again kissed Julian's face and said good bye to me and I gently closed the door behind her.
Finding A Doctor
One of my biggest concerns for Julian was his medical care. He had been seen by so many doctors in the short time he had been on this earth. There was the doctor that delivered him as a premature baby. Then there was the medical team that helped when he was brought in to the hospital with his injuries. And it was a totally different team of doctors that did his follow up visits after his casts came off. When he had been taken into foster care he also started going to a clinic for his regular well baby check up's and for his acid reflux. Each time he went to the clinic he saw a different doctor, the doctor that happened to be working that day. To me this was not the kind of care we hoped to have for Julian.
With a little one that had been through so much we thought he needed a doctor that knew him by name. That saw him and knew his history. Each time I had taken him in for his well baby visits I had to explain his situation to the doctor that came into the room that day. They hadn't even looked over his chart or tried to figure it out before they saw us. It was frustrating not only to explain our situation to a total stranger but to also have to answer all the questions that came along with it because most of the questions just reminded me that Julian legally was not our son. It would be questions like, "wow so you haven't adopted him yet? How is that process going?" like I had some kind of control over adopting him. Or after I would explain the injuries and all that he had been through then their concern would turn to me and my mental health. Which let me honest, I was under a huge umbrella full of holes in a monsoon! My mental health would take longer than this short well baby visit. Talking about my mental health would only be positive if Julian were finally a legal member of our family and I would no longer have to explain our relationship.
I went to two appointments at this clinic he had been going to before I decided this wasn't what I wanted for Julian or myself each time we went to the doctor. I really wanted a doctor that knew us and could watch him grow. I must have called fifty doctors looking for the one that would take Julian's insurance, Medicaid, and an office that only had one pediatrician that could watch him grow. Finally, it was the same pediatrician that took my niece as a preemie patient that took Julian. They only took in a handful of Medicaid patients and after hearing our story she couldn't say no. I was so excited.
Of coarse during our first visit to meet her I cried. I didn't want to cry but I was so overwhelmed with emotions that day. We were there so Julian could get his first round of shots and as any mother knows, shot days are always hard. Not only does it mean they are growing up to quickly, each shot means another month or three months has past. But it also means they will scream from pain and as a mother you can't explain to them why this is happening and you can not do anything about the tears, so you cry with them. I was also so thankful to be in a clean and loving doctors office. As I told her our story and how I felt like a I was working toward a different goal than every other adult in Julian's life, she cried with me. Her eyes were full of tears as I told her our story and she reached out and grabbed my hand to let me know her heart was breaking for us. We both watched Julian's little face as he played with his toys on the floor of the exam room. He wasn't phased by our emotions in fact as he looked up at us he seemed peaceful and even let out a huge squeal to let us know he knew he was being watched.
When I was done she said, "I can't imagine the fear that fills your heart about Julian's future. And I want you to know we will watch over him here just like he were already yours. As far as I am concerned you are his parents and those people out there they gave birth to him already gave up their rights to have him when they allowed him to be hurt and didn't seek medical attention. Now lets get him up on this table and check him out shall we?"
As we both wiped our tears from our eyes, I knew we once again had found a place for our family. It was one small step but for me at this point it was what we needed. I put Julian on the table and she began the exam. As she looked over every inch of his little body she also began educating me on his growth and what to expect. She said it was time to start introducing him to baby food and she thought that might help with his constant vomiting. Sometimes it was just formula that wasn't settling well with babies and introducing baby food might help. I was so excited at the thought of not being covered in puke for the rest of my life!
She also gave him his shots that day. And although he did cry as soon as the shot went in he was easily distracted by his toys and it wasn't until later that day that I would figure out just how rough those two little shots would be for Julian.
With a little one that had been through so much we thought he needed a doctor that knew him by name. That saw him and knew his history. Each time I had taken him in for his well baby visits I had to explain his situation to the doctor that came into the room that day. They hadn't even looked over his chart or tried to figure it out before they saw us. It was frustrating not only to explain our situation to a total stranger but to also have to answer all the questions that came along with it because most of the questions just reminded me that Julian legally was not our son. It would be questions like, "wow so you haven't adopted him yet? How is that process going?" like I had some kind of control over adopting him. Or after I would explain the injuries and all that he had been through then their concern would turn to me and my mental health. Which let me honest, I was under a huge umbrella full of holes in a monsoon! My mental health would take longer than this short well baby visit. Talking about my mental health would only be positive if Julian were finally a legal member of our family and I would no longer have to explain our relationship.
I went to two appointments at this clinic he had been going to before I decided this wasn't what I wanted for Julian or myself each time we went to the doctor. I really wanted a doctor that knew us and could watch him grow. I must have called fifty doctors looking for the one that would take Julian's insurance, Medicaid, and an office that only had one pediatrician that could watch him grow. Finally, it was the same pediatrician that took my niece as a preemie patient that took Julian. They only took in a handful of Medicaid patients and after hearing our story she couldn't say no. I was so excited.
Of coarse during our first visit to meet her I cried. I didn't want to cry but I was so overwhelmed with emotions that day. We were there so Julian could get his first round of shots and as any mother knows, shot days are always hard. Not only does it mean they are growing up to quickly, each shot means another month or three months has past. But it also means they will scream from pain and as a mother you can't explain to them why this is happening and you can not do anything about the tears, so you cry with them. I was also so thankful to be in a clean and loving doctors office. As I told her our story and how I felt like a I was working toward a different goal than every other adult in Julian's life, she cried with me. Her eyes were full of tears as I told her our story and she reached out and grabbed my hand to let me know her heart was breaking for us. We both watched Julian's little face as he played with his toys on the floor of the exam room. He wasn't phased by our emotions in fact as he looked up at us he seemed peaceful and even let out a huge squeal to let us know he knew he was being watched.
When I was done she said, "I can't imagine the fear that fills your heart about Julian's future. And I want you to know we will watch over him here just like he were already yours. As far as I am concerned you are his parents and those people out there they gave birth to him already gave up their rights to have him when they allowed him to be hurt and didn't seek medical attention. Now lets get him up on this table and check him out shall we?"
As we both wiped our tears from our eyes, I knew we once again had found a place for our family. It was one small step but for me at this point it was what we needed. I put Julian on the table and she began the exam. As she looked over every inch of his little body she also began educating me on his growth and what to expect. She said it was time to start introducing him to baby food and she thought that might help with his constant vomiting. Sometimes it was just formula that wasn't settling well with babies and introducing baby food might help. I was so excited at the thought of not being covered in puke for the rest of my life!
She also gave him his shots that day. And although he did cry as soon as the shot went in he was easily distracted by his toys and it wasn't until later that day that I would figure out just how rough those two little shots would be for Julian.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
G.A.L Meeting
Julian also had a Guardian Ad Litem or G.A.L. She by definition was an individual appointed to represent the best interests of a child (Julian) or incapacitated person for the purpose of a legal procedure. She was appointed by the courts to represent Julian's best interests and to insure that he had a voice in the legal proceedings. We hadn't met or even talked on the phone the first month we had Julian in our home. I had left messages with her but had never gotten a call back. I thought it was strange she had not made it to our home for a visit when she was the only one besides my husband and I that were suppose to have Julian's best interest at heart.
It wasn't until the middle of June, almost six weeks after we had become a family, that we got a call from her. She wanted to know when we could get together to meet one another and she wanted to check on Julian. We settled on the last week in June because it worked for both her schedule and our crazy schedule. When I was on the phone with her I expected a bunch of questions about Julian and how he was doing but instead she just set up the appointment and then told me she looked forward to meeting us and the conversation was over.
Once again another person had entered our world that didn't really seem to care about Julian's well being. He was just another case that had to be taken care of. I wanted to shout from the mountain tops that JULIAN WAS DOING AMAZING! He was sitting up and he was talking non stop! I wanted them to know that he was a happy baby and he loved to play and listen to music. I needed them to acknowledge him as a person and not just another number on their case load or a baby fix. But instead it was all business to these people.
When the Gardian Ad Litem showed up at our home she was very friendly. I thought she would want to see our home and where Julian lived but instead she came in and sat in the living room as Julian and I played on the floor. The first five minutes of the meeting were FINALLY about Julian. She asked me questions about his health, physical therapy and eating habits. I gave her the highlight show of our last month and half together. I told her he hadn't had any health concerns in the last month. I gave her the cliff notes version of physical therapy and then even showed her some of his best moves.....and when it came to eating well Julian was never a bad eater and his little chubby thighs could tell the story.
As I talked she wrote notes and listened. When I was done I had Julian in my lap and she looked down at him and said, "Hey there Julian. Where is your mommy?" and without a second thought Julian looked up at me and put his hand on my face. It was the first time anyone at social services had called me mommy but that isn't what made the tears form in my eyes. It was Julian's reaction to the question. He knew I was mommy. As I tried to pull myself together I looked to the GAL for approval and she smiled. I knew it then....she thought I was mommy too and it was an amazing feeling!
She said," Your doing a great job with him. He seems so happy and he obviously loves you. The last time I saw him was when he was in his casts and he cried the entire visit." Her encouraging words warmed my heart so far the visit with her wasn't anything like Betty Rose. As I listened to her compliment me about Julian I couldn't help but be full of questions. And so with her bringing up his casts I began to ask questions about the case.
I told her about Betty Rose wanting to reunite the family and I asked her if that was a possibility. She said," There is always a possibility of reuniting the family. And this family would have a lot of work to do before they would ever be reunited. They will be put on a treatment plan and all the criteria must be met before there is any talk about reunification. And I want you to know I will fight to keep Julian out of their home until we figure out without a doubt who caused his injuries."
And with those words I stopped holding my breath. I was finally talking to someone that had the same concerns I did. What actually happened to my baby in those weeks his little bones were broken? Not only how did the injuries happen but who caused them? How can reunification be a consideration at this point when we haven't even caught the bad guys yet? Sure bio mom and dad blame a babysitter but the police didn't think it was the babysitter. So now what? I was just relieved she had the same concerns I did.
As we talked about Julian's safety and how I was concerned about all this talk of reunification when we weren't even sure of how the injuries were caused, the GAL dropped another bomb on me. She said," Julian's bio mom was pregnant again. And now Julian isn't our only concern but this baby they are expecting could also be in danger." I couldn't believe my ears. She is pregnant with baby #3! What was God's plan here? They already had one dead infant. Then Julian's injuries and now another baby? I was sick at the thought of them conceiving another child. She said,"When I talked to mom about the current pregnancy said she got pregnant to help her stop thinking about Julian." I was appalled at the idea of replacing Julian with a new baby. They didn't deserve to get the short time they had with him much less be reunited with him. How could a child be replaced especially my little Julian? And this new baby just added another obstacle to this case.
Within 45 minutes I had been updated by the GAL and she had all the information she needed from me and we were saying our good byes. I thanked her for her for coming out and asked her to keep me in the loop with any of her findings. She agreed and told me to keep up the good work with Julian and she left.
As I fed Julian his bottle that afternoon and rocked him to sleep I began to hope that maybe the bios would replace Julian with this new baby and they would walk away from him. As I sang Julian's favorite song, Jesus Loves Me, I asked God to watch over us and to please keep our family together.
It wasn't until the middle of June, almost six weeks after we had become a family, that we got a call from her. She wanted to know when we could get together to meet one another and she wanted to check on Julian. We settled on the last week in June because it worked for both her schedule and our crazy schedule. When I was on the phone with her I expected a bunch of questions about Julian and how he was doing but instead she just set up the appointment and then told me she looked forward to meeting us and the conversation was over.
Once again another person had entered our world that didn't really seem to care about Julian's well being. He was just another case that had to be taken care of. I wanted to shout from the mountain tops that JULIAN WAS DOING AMAZING! He was sitting up and he was talking non stop! I wanted them to know that he was a happy baby and he loved to play and listen to music. I needed them to acknowledge him as a person and not just another number on their case load or a baby fix. But instead it was all business to these people.
When the Gardian Ad Litem showed up at our home she was very friendly. I thought she would want to see our home and where Julian lived but instead she came in and sat in the living room as Julian and I played on the floor. The first five minutes of the meeting were FINALLY about Julian. She asked me questions about his health, physical therapy and eating habits. I gave her the highlight show of our last month and half together. I told her he hadn't had any health concerns in the last month. I gave her the cliff notes version of physical therapy and then even showed her some of his best moves.....and when it came to eating well Julian was never a bad eater and his little chubby thighs could tell the story.
As I talked she wrote notes and listened. When I was done I had Julian in my lap and she looked down at him and said, "Hey there Julian. Where is your mommy?" and without a second thought Julian looked up at me and put his hand on my face. It was the first time anyone at social services had called me mommy but that isn't what made the tears form in my eyes. It was Julian's reaction to the question. He knew I was mommy. As I tried to pull myself together I looked to the GAL for approval and she smiled. I knew it then....she thought I was mommy too and it was an amazing feeling!
She said," Your doing a great job with him. He seems so happy and he obviously loves you. The last time I saw him was when he was in his casts and he cried the entire visit." Her encouraging words warmed my heart so far the visit with her wasn't anything like Betty Rose. As I listened to her compliment me about Julian I couldn't help but be full of questions. And so with her bringing up his casts I began to ask questions about the case.
I told her about Betty Rose wanting to reunite the family and I asked her if that was a possibility. She said," There is always a possibility of reuniting the family. And this family would have a lot of work to do before they would ever be reunited. They will be put on a treatment plan and all the criteria must be met before there is any talk about reunification. And I want you to know I will fight to keep Julian out of their home until we figure out without a doubt who caused his injuries."
And with those words I stopped holding my breath. I was finally talking to someone that had the same concerns I did. What actually happened to my baby in those weeks his little bones were broken? Not only how did the injuries happen but who caused them? How can reunification be a consideration at this point when we haven't even caught the bad guys yet? Sure bio mom and dad blame a babysitter but the police didn't think it was the babysitter. So now what? I was just relieved she had the same concerns I did.
As we talked about Julian's safety and how I was concerned about all this talk of reunification when we weren't even sure of how the injuries were caused, the GAL dropped another bomb on me. She said," Julian's bio mom was pregnant again. And now Julian isn't our only concern but this baby they are expecting could also be in danger." I couldn't believe my ears. She is pregnant with baby #3! What was God's plan here? They already had one dead infant. Then Julian's injuries and now another baby? I was sick at the thought of them conceiving another child. She said,"When I talked to mom about the current pregnancy said she got pregnant to help her stop thinking about Julian." I was appalled at the idea of replacing Julian with a new baby. They didn't deserve to get the short time they had with him much less be reunited with him. How could a child be replaced especially my little Julian? And this new baby just added another obstacle to this case.
Within 45 minutes I had been updated by the GAL and she had all the information she needed from me and we were saying our good byes. I thanked her for her for coming out and asked her to keep me in the loop with any of her findings. She agreed and told me to keep up the good work with Julian and she left.
As I fed Julian his bottle that afternoon and rocked him to sleep I began to hope that maybe the bios would replace Julian with this new baby and they would walk away from him. As I sang Julian's favorite song, Jesus Loves Me, I asked God to watch over us and to please keep our family together.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Seeing Photos
Although the month of June brought many blessings with Julian's progress physically and the blessing of our little family unit starting to figure each other out better. It also brought a ton of confusion. At the beginning of the month Belinda came out to see us. She was the social worker that represented my husband and I. She was the only one I trusted that worked for social services because she was always looking out for our feelings and trying to keep us in the loop with any information she had about Julian's case. She wanted us to feel knowledgeable so we always knew what we were up against. She never made any promises about the future but she did give us all the facts of the case that were available to her.
During her second visit Belinda brought us photos of Julian's biological parents. She knew we lived close to them and she wanted us to know what they looked like just in case we were ever approached by them while we were out in public places. She also wanted us to have the photos for Julian so someday we could show him who his birth parents were.
I remember taking the photos from her and almost having an out of body experience. My eyes were glued to the pictures. Even having the proof in my hands that they were really people, and not just a made up story by social services, I still couldn't grasp the concept that they were the ones that gave birth to our child. It was hard to imagine anyone being parents to Julian other than my husband and I.
There were three different poses in the photos. They were taken at one of Julian's weekly visits with them. As I looked at the pictures I first saw his biological fathers face. Julian did look just like him. Their eyes were the same deep brown and as both he and Julian looked into the camera they both had a haunted stare and neither of them smiled. Julian's biological mother looked so young. She was full of smiles and in every picture she didn't take her eyes of Julian. During my analysis I was looking for any clue about how this case would go. Did they seem to love him? How was he reacting to them? Did they really break his arm and two of his legs? And of coarse none of those answers were in those three photos I was given.
Belinda finally interrupted my search for clues and asked if I was okay. I told her it was weird to finally see them but that I was glad she shared the information with us. I asked her if she knew anything about the case. She told me that Betty Rose hadn't given her an update in awhile but she did know that when she went in to take the pictures for us during visitation that day that Julian wasn't a happy baby. She explained that he was very fussy and that the bios didn't seem to know how to calm him down. I thought back to the visit where I was told that they didn't have food for him and I began to tell Belinda the story of that day. My frustration grew the more I talked. I was struggling with the fact that they didn't feed him that day. I was worrying about the fact that he cried the entire visit and nobody knew how to help him. It broke my heart to know that when I dropped him off at these visits he was just being watched like an animal in the zoo but he wasn't really being cared for because they wanted to see if the bios could figure out how to care for him. When I was done with the story I asked her, "What do these parents have to do to get him back? Is that really a possibility?"
She saw the pain in my eyes. She knew that each day we spent with Julian meant one more day that he took a piece of our hearts. And each day we didn't know the outcome of this story just caused more pain. She said, "I know you love him and your doing amazing things for him. I will work on finding out what is happening with this case and you just keep praying for him to take your last name." And so with her words and her pictures I said good bye to her that day and once again had to trust that someone with more power than I was going to do the right thing by Julian.
During her second visit Belinda brought us photos of Julian's biological parents. She knew we lived close to them and she wanted us to know what they looked like just in case we were ever approached by them while we were out in public places. She also wanted us to have the photos for Julian so someday we could show him who his birth parents were.
I remember taking the photos from her and almost having an out of body experience. My eyes were glued to the pictures. Even having the proof in my hands that they were really people, and not just a made up story by social services, I still couldn't grasp the concept that they were the ones that gave birth to our child. It was hard to imagine anyone being parents to Julian other than my husband and I.
There were three different poses in the photos. They were taken at one of Julian's weekly visits with them. As I looked at the pictures I first saw his biological fathers face. Julian did look just like him. Their eyes were the same deep brown and as both he and Julian looked into the camera they both had a haunted stare and neither of them smiled. Julian's biological mother looked so young. She was full of smiles and in every picture she didn't take her eyes of Julian. During my analysis I was looking for any clue about how this case would go. Did they seem to love him? How was he reacting to them? Did they really break his arm and two of his legs? And of coarse none of those answers were in those three photos I was given.
Belinda finally interrupted my search for clues and asked if I was okay. I told her it was weird to finally see them but that I was glad she shared the information with us. I asked her if she knew anything about the case. She told me that Betty Rose hadn't given her an update in awhile but she did know that when she went in to take the pictures for us during visitation that day that Julian wasn't a happy baby. She explained that he was very fussy and that the bios didn't seem to know how to calm him down. I thought back to the visit where I was told that they didn't have food for him and I began to tell Belinda the story of that day. My frustration grew the more I talked. I was struggling with the fact that they didn't feed him that day. I was worrying about the fact that he cried the entire visit and nobody knew how to help him. It broke my heart to know that when I dropped him off at these visits he was just being watched like an animal in the zoo but he wasn't really being cared for because they wanted to see if the bios could figure out how to care for him. When I was done with the story I asked her, "What do these parents have to do to get him back? Is that really a possibility?"
She saw the pain in my eyes. She knew that each day we spent with Julian meant one more day that he took a piece of our hearts. And each day we didn't know the outcome of this story just caused more pain. She said, "I know you love him and your doing amazing things for him. I will work on finding out what is happening with this case and you just keep praying for him to take your last name." And so with her words and her pictures I said good bye to her that day and once again had to trust that someone with more power than I was going to do the right thing by Julian.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Time to Sit
In the meantime I had bigger things to concentrate on. Like Julian rolling over. I spent many hours each day doing the exercises that his physical therapist had shown me. He did lots of body twist so I could show him how to move. I learned how to show him how to shift his weight so he could figure out his head really wasn't as heavy as he thought and he could bring it along for the ride when he rolled over...He didn't like any of the exercises. He always fussed or cried but I kept at it trying to sooth the fussing but knowing it wasn't hurting him and more that it was helping him. When he was on his belly I was teaching him how to get up on his elbows so he wasn't always in a face plant. We bought tons of toys that seemed to get his attention to help with the process. When he wasn't eating or sleeping we were exercising his little body during play time. I was very positive in the beginning but the longer time went on and he still wasn't rolling over the more I began to worry that something more was wrong and so did Denise, his physical therapist.
One day I was explaining to Denise how frustrated I was with the fact that he wouldn't roll over. It wasn't just during play time he that he wasn't rolling over, even at night while he was sleeping he still laid in one position. She had me show her exactly what we were doing for his exercises and then assured me everything I was doing was correct. She thought maybe we just needed to change our focus on to a different movement and then maybe he would figure out rolling over later on.
Within minutes she was teaching Julian to sit up and giving me pointers on how to help him learn. He was a little like a bobble head only from the waist up. He weaved when he was in the sitting position as he tried to find his balance. But he seemed to like the idea better than rolling over. He did fuss or cry. And with Denise's approval and Julian's willingness to try something new we began working on going from him laying down to getting him to sit up and we decided to put rolling over aside.
Julian did amazing at sitting up. He loved to sit and play with toys and that was his biggest motivator. So within two days he could be in the sit position and he could hold his balance. Within a week he could go from laying on his back to the sitting position. I was so excited and each time he did it I got teary eyed. He was changing before my eyes every day. It was amazing to watch. The more he moved the more confident he became in himself. You could see it in his eyes.
When I we went back to see Denise the following week she couldn't believe his progress. She got just as teary eyed as I did. She was talking to him and telling him how great he was and he was all giggles and smiles. It was like our three man team had finally hit a home run against the opposing team, the people that hurt him. I couldn't have been more proud of my little man! He was finally seeing that his little bones were okay and he was going to be okay so it was time to move and I was honored to be a part of his progress!
One day I was explaining to Denise how frustrated I was with the fact that he wouldn't roll over. It wasn't just during play time he that he wasn't rolling over, even at night while he was sleeping he still laid in one position. She had me show her exactly what we were doing for his exercises and then assured me everything I was doing was correct. She thought maybe we just needed to change our focus on to a different movement and then maybe he would figure out rolling over later on.
Within minutes she was teaching Julian to sit up and giving me pointers on how to help him learn. He was a little like a bobble head only from the waist up. He weaved when he was in the sitting position as he tried to find his balance. But he seemed to like the idea better than rolling over. He did fuss or cry. And with Denise's approval and Julian's willingness to try something new we began working on going from him laying down to getting him to sit up and we decided to put rolling over aside.
Julian did amazing at sitting up. He loved to sit and play with toys and that was his biggest motivator. So within two days he could be in the sit position and he could hold his balance. Within a week he could go from laying on his back to the sitting position. I was so excited and each time he did it I got teary eyed. He was changing before my eyes every day. It was amazing to watch. The more he moved the more confident he became in himself. You could see it in his eyes.
When I we went back to see Denise the following week she couldn't believe his progress. She got just as teary eyed as I did. She was talking to him and telling him how great he was and he was all giggles and smiles. It was like our three man team had finally hit a home run against the opposing team, the people that hurt him. I couldn't have been more proud of my little man! He was finally seeing that his little bones were okay and he was going to be okay so it was time to move and I was honored to be a part of his progress!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Another Appealing Idea
One day while Julian was napping I was on the computer reading emails when I came across a blast from the past. It was a young girl I use to nanny many years ago. She was in the need of some positive interaction with adults and I was more than willing to play that role. I hadn't seen her in years and in catching up with her, via chatting on instant message, she told me about a friend of hers that was pregnant and was wanting to give the baby up for adoption. She knew of our situation with Julian but wanted us to know about the possibilities of this other child because she thought I would be a good mother and she wanted her friends baby to be with good people.
My heart was full of joy at the thoughts of her remembering me in her childhood and thinking I would make a good mother. It was ironic really because I had always thought I made so many mistakes with her as a child. I lived in her home and basically raised her and her sister for a year while their parents pursued careers. I was in my early 20's and wasn't thinking about much other than boys and when the next party was. So being a positive role model to her wasn't on my priority list. I just needed the job and I liked being around kids so I ended up her nanny. But I had always hoped she would grow up and remember me fondly. I was just never sure how she felt because we had lost contact but I thought of her and her sister all the time. And now here she was trying to bless me with the gift of motherhood. It was an amazing feeling.
I told her about Julian and his situation with social services. I also explained that I wasn't sure how his case was going to go because of all the things that had been said by Betty Rose. And then I asked her to put me in touch with her friend. I wasn't sure what prompted me to give her the okay to pass on my information to her friend. Did I need a back up plan because of how I was feeling about the case or did I really want to help this young girl and her child? Even though I wasn't sure about my motive, I told her to give her friend my email address so we could start talking that way. If the situation seemed like something that felt right between her friend and I then we could pursue it without her being in the middle of it. She was so excited. She knew in her heart that my husband and I were suppose to have this baby and so she promised to pass on the information.
After chatting with her about the possibilities of this other baby I pondered our situation. Everyday I was raising Julian as my own even tho in my heart I knew he wasn't mine yet. And the idea of having a child that could be mine without social services input was very appealing. I knew I couldn't' let Julian go but what if we could had both babies? I daydreamed about it for days and when I didn't get an email from her friend I just let the idea go. I had no idea about this girl and her baby. And more importantly I had no idea about our situation with Julian. How in the world could I possibly think I could handle all the stresses of dealing with social services, raising Julian and a new baby? And so I stop dreaming about it knowing that if this dream were to become a reality this girl would have to contact me first. So until then there was no reason to even think about it.
My heart was full of joy at the thoughts of her remembering me in her childhood and thinking I would make a good mother. It was ironic really because I had always thought I made so many mistakes with her as a child. I lived in her home and basically raised her and her sister for a year while their parents pursued careers. I was in my early 20's and wasn't thinking about much other than boys and when the next party was. So being a positive role model to her wasn't on my priority list. I just needed the job and I liked being around kids so I ended up her nanny. But I had always hoped she would grow up and remember me fondly. I was just never sure how she felt because we had lost contact but I thought of her and her sister all the time. And now here she was trying to bless me with the gift of motherhood. It was an amazing feeling.
I told her about Julian and his situation with social services. I also explained that I wasn't sure how his case was going to go because of all the things that had been said by Betty Rose. And then I asked her to put me in touch with her friend. I wasn't sure what prompted me to give her the okay to pass on my information to her friend. Did I need a back up plan because of how I was feeling about the case or did I really want to help this young girl and her child? Even though I wasn't sure about my motive, I told her to give her friend my email address so we could start talking that way. If the situation seemed like something that felt right between her friend and I then we could pursue it without her being in the middle of it. She was so excited. She knew in her heart that my husband and I were suppose to have this baby and so she promised to pass on the information.
After chatting with her about the possibilities of this other baby I pondered our situation. Everyday I was raising Julian as my own even tho in my heart I knew he wasn't mine yet. And the idea of having a child that could be mine without social services input was very appealing. I knew I couldn't' let Julian go but what if we could had both babies? I daydreamed about it for days and when I didn't get an email from her friend I just let the idea go. I had no idea about this girl and her baby. And more importantly I had no idea about our situation with Julian. How in the world could I possibly think I could handle all the stresses of dealing with social services, raising Julian and a new baby? And so I stop dreaming about it knowing that if this dream were to become a reality this girl would have to contact me first. So until then there was no reason to even think about it.
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