The Shirts Came Off

When my husband got home that first night it finally felt real. It was finally the way I had envisioned it to be. Just the three of us against the world....As I watched my husband give Julian a bottle I saw them trying to get to know one another. My husband was figuring out how to hold him and the bottle and Julian was trying to figure out who the new guy was. It was my husband that got Julian to smile first. We were all sitting on the couch and my husband was talking to him and after a few silly noises the smiling began. Julian knew at that moment he had a partner in crime in his new daddy. As the three of us sat on the couch together my heart felt full. I finally had the family I had been dreaming of for the last three years. Our baby was finally home.

The first night of sleep didn't go so well for little Julian. A new environment yet again to get use to. He and I were up most of the night in the rocking chair. I would rock and he would cry and fidget. It was like he just couldn't find it in his heart to feel safe and settled. The more he cried the more anxious I became. I wanted to be the perfect mother for him because he had been thru so much. But I didn't know how to make him happy or how to let him know it was okay to be with us. And so I just rocked...and he cried...then I cried....and we rocked some more until daylight came!

The first week Julian came home is a bit of a blur for me because there were so many visits from family and friends....and we had tons of appointments to make to keep social services happy....I had social workers coming to our home for inspections and he had to be seen by a doctor within 24 hours of being in our home...he had physical therapy...and those were all appointments during the day...then in the evening it was visits from family and friends that wanted to meet him. For Julian and I it was chaos! By the end of the week I was being to feel like I didn't have time to be a mom instead I was just shuffling him around for appointments and showing him off to the world...but I wasn't really bonding with him.

I was talking to one of the ladies at Church that Sunday who had been a foster parent and she had also adopted children and she was giving me pointers about how to get Julian to bond with us. First she said...Don't let anyone hold him for the first 3 months....well except for Grandma and Grandpa because I know they will never be able to wait that long. But she said...He needs to know you and your husband as Mommy and Daddy and passing him around confuses him. I knew this was going to be a hard rule to keep because women love to hold babies and sometimes they don't even ask if they can hold your baby they just go to pick them up because its instinctual for women to nurture. But if it would help us bond then I would not let anyone hold him. Then she said....when your feeding him his bottles make sure he is feeling your skin against his. She said...Get Naked! I know my jaw dropped when she said this cuz I thought...Uhhh get naked when I feed my kid?? The visual wasn't good for me how was it going to be good for Julian?

She laughed when she saw my expression and then she explained...she said...babies bond most with their mothers when they are breast feeding. Babies know their mothers scent within hours of life because of their mothers breast milk...since you can't breast feed him the idea is when your giving him a bottle you need to mimic breast feeding. It is really important for bonding because it is when he will start to make eye contact with you, which is the first sign of trust. It is also when he will feel safest with you...and she said it will let him know your mommy.

Everything she said made sense and more than anything I wanted him to know I was Mommy and so from that moment on there were only 4 people that were allowed to hold Julian (mommy, daddy, grandma and grandpa) for the first three months. When it came time for my husband or I to feed Julian the shirts came off! This was WAY easier for my husband than for me and it is still not my favorite visual of myself but it worked. Within days Julian's eyes changed he had his sparkle and he was smiling and giggling all the time. He was also making and keeping consistent eye contact with us and the best part of us all bonding...Julian and I started to sleep thru the night!