Feeling Weak and Chaotic

After meeting with Betty Rose I found myself questioning everything. Had we made the right decision taking Julian? Was it to early in the case for us to ask Betty Rose questions and expect answers? Why would she make the statement about reuniting the family if she didn't mean to place fear in our hearts? I was constantly reliving the visit and wondering how I could have changed the outcome so I felt more comfortable about what had been said and done that day.

I was so bothered by her visit I even began to question everything I did as a mother. I was trying to prove to Betty Rose and the system that I was the BETTER parent compared to his biological mother. I was trying to prove to Julian that he didn't have to worry any more because I was there to make his future brighter. I had put an amazing pressure on myself to be this perfect mother. But really my life was not what I pictured it to be when I became a mother. I found myself very depressed about who I was and the situation I was in. I had always pictured myself as a strong woman...but with motherhood I felt weak and chaotic. I couldn't tell if the feelings of chaos came from Julian not being mine officially or if I just wasn't equipped to be a mother. Either way I was quickly feeling out of control.

I would reminisce about the day I found out I was losing my job and I would remember feeling so relieved to be able to stay home when we got our baby. But now that I was home with Julian I missed working. I was no longer a woman with a career instead I now had the title of Julian's mommy and even that title didn't really fit. Every time I heard someone say with excitement that I was a mommy I would smile and agree with them but then I would say to myself, well not really he isn't mine. And those words were never there before meeting Betty Rose.

I missed conversations with Rebecca, Tina and Jackson. Actually I missed being in any adult conversations. My only adult interaction was in the evenings when my husband came home and most times I cried usually using some excuse about needing a shower or how I couldn't get Julian to sleep...but the truth was I was lonely and afraid of my own future. If I wasn't crying when my husband came home...I would fight with him...I resented him for being able to go to work everyday while I had to stay home to be puked on by a child I wasn't sure was really going to be mine.

I was struggling with attaching to Julian because I kept hearing Betty Rose in my head telling me she was trying to Reunite the Family. I was the Queen of putting up walls to keep others out so that I didn't get hurt...and now here I was doing it to a small child because I didn't want my heart to break if he were taken from me. I didn't even consider what my wall was doing to him. And because of Betty Rose's words I no longer thought of myself as Julian's Mommy....instead I thought of myself as a baby sitter. And if I was just a baby sitter I wasn't happy with the arrangement I was in. I knew I had to do something to prove to myself that I was Julian's mommy I just had no idea what to do! And so I turned to God...

I found myself at the alter one Sunday crying....I didn't talk to God that day I just cried with him. I didn't even know what to say or what to ask God for. I just knew something needed to change in my heart and so I cried and with each tear I cried I felt a little less fear and a little more hope for change in my heart....I knew God was there that day and I knew he would figure out how to help.