Chaos

My mom was there waiting at the passenger pick up area and I jumped in the car and we were off. I was trying to tell her about my trip and everyone I saw and what I did but the truth was neither of us really cared it was just something to keep us occupied for the next half hour drive to get Julian. So I continued to ramble and she continued to act interested it.

As we pulled into the parking lot I said...Oh crap a car seat! She said....Don't worry your husband gave me yours so we would have one! Thank God I thought...so far I was doing FANTASTIC at this motherhood thing! I forgot the number one thing in safety...I didn't even think about the damn car seat!

We pulled into a parking space and before I could get out of the car Julian was being rushed over to me by his foster mother. He was bundled in the same outfit they had taken him to the hospital in two months earlier. It was a little bunny sleeper with a hood....it was made out of think cotton material that reminded me of cotton balls. It felt itchy on my skin when I took him. His little body was so tight in the sleeper that he couldn't move his little legs and it barely zipped up to keep him warm. As she handed me my son she said..sorry I didn't have any other clothes I wanted to give you for him so I just put him in what he was brought to me in. She then handed me a bag of items that were his...a blanket that his parents left for him and some of his formula. I knew he was uncomfortable in that outfit but once again I found myself lost in his little face.

Before I could say anything my mom was standing next to us with tears in her eyes. My mom met him in that parking lot that day. I remember the look in her eyes. I know she had been wondering if she would be able to look at him and see family right away or if it would take some time before it felt real to her....but as I watched her talk to him and introduce herself I saw in her eyes she was Grandma instantly. She fell for him just like my husband and I had.

Before she or I could take in the moment we were being rushed to go inside and take care of paper work. And so we were off to sign in one more time and to go wait in the Spring Time Waiting Area for Leyla. The waiting area was pure chaos that day....there tons of people there for visits and social workers were running around like crazy. I had never seen it so unorganized in all the times I had been there. As I held Julian we both took a chair next to two African American women and my mom sat next to us. I was immediately taken back by the woman directly next to me because she was apparently offended that I had Julian in my arms. It would be the first time I was verbally abused over me being white and him being black. She said...who does this white girl think she is with that black baby? I was in awe that this was an issue for these women. Who did I think I was??? It was then that I made eye contact with them. And it was then that they realized I wasn't going to intimidated but some ignorant comments. Obviously they were there to see some loved one that was involved in the system and really had no business judging my situation. Which was what I wanted to yell at them. I wanted to say...I AM HIS MOTHER NOW...his protector....the one that loves him unconditionally and I barely know him....Oh yeah and I am the one that didn't break his arm and both his legs...that was his BLACK parents! But instead I just gave them the Mama Bear Look...and that seemed to be enough.

Within moments I was distracted by their comments because a social worker I hadn't met before came up to me and said...are you the one taking him home? She scared me a little by first impression. She was a small women with a Hispanic accent. She smelled like cigarettes and it was obvious life had taken its toll on her. She had tired eyes...I could only imagine from dealing with this system and all that dealing with this system entails. But she also seemed frazzled she was out of breath like she had been running and she was trying to make it known in her tone that she was in charge when it came to her relationship with me. I said yes that's me...the one taking him home! She then started rambling on about visits with Julian's biological parents and when they took place and how she was going to be the translator for the biological parents from here on out. She wanted my phone number...and she was writing it down so I had to announce in the middle of this chaotic room full of people. Aside from being uncomfortable about yelling my phone number in front of this room full of strangers I wasn't even sure who she was. She hadn't mentioned her name or her position and before she left she told me visits would happen once a week I had to be there EVERY visit and she handed me her card and left.

As I looked at her card I saw that her name was Ana. It was then I thought to myself....I am not sure I am going to like her. Soon after she left, Leyla was in the room. She immediately just began talking to me. She was telling me a lot of the same things Ana had just rambled off to me. It was then that the Foster Mother that had been taking care of Julian said to Leyla...Uh can we go somewhere a little more private! Leyla too seemed unorganized that day...and she said...oh yes of coarse lets go back here! As I stood up to leave with my baby in hand I looked over at the women that had made the comments about earlier and I said...you ladies have a great day! The looks on their faces were priceless....they weren't expecting anything from me much less kindness....and the shock alone was enough for me. But then as they tried to find their words to tell me to have a good day too....that made may day! It was the first time I had set a good example for my child.

We followed Leyla back to one of the conference rooms we had done many of trainings in. By this time my mom had taken Julian in her arms and I was trying to focus on all the details that were being thrown my way. Leyla told me that day that the parents had called in and wanted to see Julian. They had not been coming these past two months to their weekly visitation because they were unaware of when visits were due to the language barrier. So Ana would be serving as an interpreter during supervised visitation. Leyla was giving me the story but she was following it with....I don't want you start worrying about this. She said.... we think they are just using this as excuse and who knows if they will even show. Plus with the severity of Julian's injuries and without knowing how the injuries were caused this case still looks good for you and your husband.

I trusted her. I believed she had seen many cases and I believed her when she said don't worry...just let this play out. She then gave me two pieces of paper to sign saying I had Julian in my custody and I wouldn't let anything happen to him. And before I knew it me, my mom and my son were in the car on our way back home. I knew everything about these stupid visits with the parents that had either hurt him or allowed him to be hurt....but I didn't know Julian's sleeping schedule...if had eaten that day...if he liked music to fall or asleep....or if he had a favorite toy. I left knowing nothing about Julian himself. It was then I saw for the first time....nobody was really worried about Julian in this mess...they were only worried about closing his case!