Full of Jealousy

Julian had been with us for three weeks when I got the call from my brother that he and his wife were on the way to the hospital because my sister in law was in labor. The baby wasn't due for 6 more weeks so this was very concerning to them. He didn't think we needed to be at the hospital so he said he would call us with details when he knew more.

I remember hanging up the phone and being so envious of my brother. I had spent the last 9 months wrapped up in my own life and it just gave me the opportunity to not spend to much time around him or my sister in law so I didn't have to really see she was pregnant. When I did see them on family occasions I wasn't the happy aunt waiting in anticipation and excitement for my new little niece or nephew. Instead I was quiet and cold because I was full of jealousy. I would go home and feel sorry for myself instead of feeling joy for my brother. It was selfish and I knew it but I didn't stop it.

Most sisters would be worried about their younger brothers becoming fathers because they had seen how their brothers were growing up. They would wonder how a child would make it in the care of the brother that took three times to pass a drivers test. Or the brother that still needs to be reminded every mothers day to get a gift...and then usually just chips in cash for one. Maybe it was the brother that went off to college just to figure out what the best lighting was to grow weed in his dorm room...and now he was going to be a parent? Those would be the kind of worries a most sisters would have. But not me...I didn't even think of my brother as being an actual parent. I didn't think about things he had done in his past that would make me worry about his parenting choices...I only thought of him being able to have a baby and me not being about to conceive.

I wondered why he got this chance to look into his child's eyes and see his own looking back at him. What did he do that I didn't? How come he was getting this blessing? How is it that I am looking at my son and I have fear of not being able to keep him and my brother gets to know from the beginning that his child is his?

My heart was ungrateful for what I had in my own home and instead was full of envy of my brothers situation. I didn't even take the time to worry about the baby coming early or the fear my brother may be feeling as they headed to the hospital...instead I had my own pity party. Guest count... only 1!

My niece arrived 3 days after they admitted my sister in law into the hospital. She was anxious to get into the world and make her mark. I left Julian at home with my husband one evening as I went to meet my niece for the first time. I was giving myself a pep talk the entire way. I needed to be happy about this little girl for brother no matter what thoughts were going thru my head. As I pulled into the hospital parking lot I was saying out loud....you can do this for your brother...you can do this for your brother!

As I walked up to the entrance to the hospital my brother was waiting for me outside. He was glowing. He looked like a proud daddy. And just seeing his face made every selfish thought leave my head. If he looked that happy I needed to see who this little girl was that made my brother glow. He lead me up the elevator and to the room where she was being cared for. I looked around the corner and I knew it was her as soon as I laid my eyes on her. She looked just like my brother. She had strawberry blonde hair and she even squinted her eyes like he did. It was an amazing sight. As I picked her up I started talking talking to her. She was so tiny that I called her my little Pee Wee....and at that moment it didn't matter that I didn't get to experience child birth. At that moment Pee Wee was all that mattered. I was officially an aunt!