First Time To Visitation

I read the first 150 pages of my book that night trying to figure out how to get Julian on a schedule. Every page I read I became more knowledgeable about how I needed to change things to help Julian, like feeding times and nap times. And I also became overwhelmed as to how I was going to make this work with all the things we had to do during the week.

We had more appointments than I had expected and dealing with social services along with trying to figure out how to me a mommy were two things I struggled with figuring out how to juggle. I had to manage a visit from our social worker, Belinda, once a month. Then there was the monthly visit from Betty Rose, Julian's social worker. Julian had weekly supervised visitation with his biological parents at the county building and we had a weekly physical therapy appointment. It was my husband and I that had the responsibility to get Julian to all these appointments and they could not be missed because of us. There was huge pressure on the two of us to not interfere with any appointments social services found necessary. It didn't matter if we had something scheduled or wanted to plan something on those days. If social services had an appointment set up we had to be there.

The irony to this was that nobody else involved in this case had the same expectations. The first supervised visit I took Julian to was very overwhelming. I was trying to get him on a napping schedule and as it turned out the visit was at exactly the same time his nap was suppose to be 10:00am. Our morning began at 7:00am that day which was unusual for Julian. On most days he was an early bird and up at 5:30 or 6.

He had his first bottle and then we played for a little bit with his new toys. He was doing well with reaching above his head to the toys that played music. He especially loved this little fish that played a tune when he grabbed it. I learned quickly to put him on his back for playing after a bottle to help his little tummy keep all the formula down instead of the formula ending up all over me. I had to cut play time short that day so I could get us both dressed and out the door before 9am because it took us 45mins to get to the county building. We were doing well on time but I could tell the closer it came time to leave the crankier the little man got. It was probably because he was getting sleepy or it could have been he was feeding off my nervous energy.

I was a ball of nerves. It was the first visit I had to take him to. It felt so strange to be taking him to the people that had hurt him. The only thing keeping me sane was that they hadn't shown up in the past and I was hoping they wouldn't show up today. I was wishing this case was moving faster. I was wondering things like why hadn't the police made an arrest....or when would social services have what they needed to terminate the biological parents parental rights? As I put myself together I looked in the mirror and saw my face....For the first time in awhile I had make up on it didn't hide the fear in my eyes but it did help make me feel like a woman again. I was in real clothes not my sweats and ratty tee shirt. It was just what I needed to see before I left. I felt powerful and ready to deal with this crazy schedule.

I loaded us in the car and headed to social services. We were told by Betty Rose to go to the back door. They weren't sure if the biological parents would be violent toward me or my husband so using the back door kept our identities safe just in case. When we got to the back door Ana would be there to meet us.

Ana was the one that I met the day I took Julian home. She was the one that gave me her card and talked about visits but never really told me who she was or what her role was. Although, I knew I would remember her based of that brief meeting I was worried about giving Julian to her. To me she was a stranger and any mother would have the same feelings. You don't just hand your kid off to someone and hope for the best. Usually you investigate who they are and learn everything about them before you leave your child in their care. Obviously she was a social services employee which meant she passed all back ground checks, etc. But to me she was a still a stranger and more importantly to Julian she was a stranger. Another person to hold him that he didn't know. Another person to be in his world that didn't see him as a little human but more as a case to be closed. I hated the whole idea of it. But I did as I was told and hoped the system was holding up their end for Julian's sake.


I drove to the back entrance and waited for Ana to come out. Julian was in his car seat and he was very tired. He didn't sleep in the car instead he talked to me most of the way. My mind began to wonder as we sat in the parking lot on the look out for Ana. I knew he would need a nap soon and he would need to eat but I also knew that part of this visitation thing was to see if the bio parents came prepared for anything he may need. How could I trust any of these people to watch out for him when they didn't even know him. How would they know his hungry cry vs. his change my butt cry? I mean I hardly knew him and I had been living with him for the last two weeks, 24 hours a day. As I wondered thru my thoughts and fears I was quickly snapped back to reality when Julian began to cry.

He apparently thought he had been in the car seat long enough. So I hopped out of the car took him out of the car seat and glanced at my watch. It was 10:10am....I got so excited. They were ten minutes late. Just as I thought that Ana came walking out. She seemed calmer this time. She gave us a big smile and apologized for being late. I noticed how much her demeanor had changed since our last greeting. She was softer and friendlier. She even commented on how pretty I was. I was glad to see she wasn't the Drill Sargent I met the first visit.

As she got closer my heart raced at the thought that the bios must have been there for the visit after all....and then disappointment filled my whole body. I said...are they here? She said...Nope..and she rolled her eyes. She began to explain that bio mom was suppose to come on her own today because bio dad couldn't off work. But she doesn't drive so she was suppose to take the bus. However, during her last phone call to Ana she was lost because she had taken the wrong bus.

As I listened I had bittersweet feelings. I was so thrilled that they didn't make the visit. I didn't care what the excuse was really. I was just glad they weren't going to be there. But then as I thought more about it I began to worry. If she was really trying to get there then that must mean they want to get Julian back so they will start coming to visits. As Ana was telling me of which bus bio mom was on and where she went wrong I said...so how late can they be before the visit is cancelled. Ana looked down at her watch and said...15 minutes so she has one minute left. 15 minutes I thought...that is crazy. If Julian and I were 15 minutes late we would be going against what social services asked of us. But these bios can be 15 minutes late without any recourse? Shouldn't it be the other way around...leniency for the foster families that are helping these needy parents out...not letting the parents fail by giving them a 15 min go ahead and be late time limit. Shouldn't they be required to be 15 minutes early? In the real world you can't be 15 minutes late for work without consequences. But being 15 minutes late to see your child...well that was perfectly acceptable to social services.

It was the longest minute I ever sat thru. I watched every second tick away on my watch. But finally it passed and as soon as it did Julian and I were back in the car and headed home. Me ready to scream with joy that they missed it and ready to scream at someone about the hypocrisy of the system.....and Julian back in the car seat where he fussed from being tired and hungry because his own biological parents once again failed him.