Writing this on Mothers Day How Ironic.....

Every day after the insemination I waited for some sign of being pregnant. I asked everyone I knew that had children to tell me the story about how they found out they were pregnant. My mom told she knew the minute it happened....my cousin said her boobs hurt the next day...one of my best girlfriends didn't know until she was two months along....everyone had a different answer. For me I felt no different than I did before the insemination. And so the worry set in.

Now I know to most it seems a little early to start worrying just a few days after the insemination but I knew my body. Remember I had seen my body inside and out for the last two and half years. I had become such and expert on my reproductive system that I could feel when I was ovulating or I could feel when something is off. It is something I wish on nobody really. I do think every woman should know more about her body I just don't think every woman should have to go thru all that we did in order to figure it out.

So everyday that past and there wasn't any symptom.....I knew it didn't happen. Everyday my husband said...so how are you feeling? I would say with a smile...nothing yet but its still early. I didn't want him to worry as I had been but my intuition told me I wasn't pregnant.

Two weeks after the insemination I took a pregnancy test at home, per the doctors recommendation. And it came up negative. So I took another one....same result. I was crushed. I had spent that day before taking the test convincing myself that maybe I was just one of those girls that wouldn't know until she was farther along. I had thought about all the fun ways I could tell my husband when he got home from work that he was going to be father....but when the test showed STILL NO BABY! (Yes that is what I read on the pee stick, but it was probably a no blue line instead).....I laid on bathroom floor and cried. I cried and yelled at God. I was hurt and angry and most of all I was done suffering. And so I yelled....Why are you doing this to me? Haven't we been thru enough? Don't you think we will be good parents? And I heard no response...he gave me no burning bush....no angel to console me...he just left me there laying in my own tears with a heart broken on the bathroom floor. And then as I laid there sobbing on the floor Pugsley came over and laid next to me. As if to try and calm me down. I didn't think of it then but now I think it was God that led that little pug dog to stay with me...I think the three of us (God, Pugsley and myself) must have been there for hours before I got up and tried to pull it together before my husband got home.

When my husband got home that night it was obvious what was going on. He knew the minute he saw my swollen cried out eyes. So he sat with me and tried to console me. I was so angry at that point that I didn't want him near me. And so I went into another room to hide from the world and I once again left him to mourn on his own. This was tearing our marriage apart and only he could see it. I on the other hand could only see I wasn't good enough to be a mother. I didn't notice I was being a terrible wife.