Adoption or Clomid

That Sunday we went to church and as I sat down and began to watch the announcements as they rolled across the projection screen behind the alter. There were things like upcoming events and bible studies they were offering or how you could volunteer at the church... the usual kind of things a church congregation needed to know. As I sat there watching the screen I was tired and broken from the events that had happened that week. I had been crying all the time and worse I was eating just as much as I was crying. I felt so lost and to be honest I didn't even want to talk to God. Not if he wasn't going to make this situation better. I had just showed up at church to get out of the house. And so I sat there and pouted like a 2 year old child I read this statement as it came across the screen: " If your interested in adoption or foster care please call this number...." and it gave the number.

So I started to think. Was this something we were suppose to pay attention to? We had talked adoption in the past and both of us had been very open to the idea but we hadn't gone into detail about how we felt because we were just sure we were going to have our children biologically. After reading that statement on the screen I looked at my husband and said should I write down the number??? And he said I think so we may need it in the future. And so I wrote it down.

After church we would always go to lunch. During lunch we started bouncing around the idea of adoption. So many things were talked about. But when it came down to it the biggest obstacle was expense. Adoption in the US is any where from 20 to 30 thousand dollars and outside the US even more expensive because of time off work and flights out of the country and we just didn't have that kind of money. So we left lunch that day knowing we were open to it but not knowing how we would ever make that happen.

My husband had said to me one night...do you think its because we didn't use the drugs. I shrugged my shoulders, looked at the ground and thought I don't know...and that's when I started struggle with not knowing if we didn't conceive because I wouldn't take the drugs. If my husband said this to me then he must want to try again with the drugs and so I weighed my options for a few weeks and then I called Hudson for an appointment. I hadn't seen him since the failed attempt at conceiving. So he relived it with me like he always did. He watched me cry and tell my story. Then before I could even mention that I was concerned it was because I didn't take the drugs...Hudson threw it out there. He said...Now I know your gonna be pissed but I think you should try again. Only this time take the Clomid. I laughed and said...I think so to and then we talked about the next steps.

See my biggest concern was getting farther down this insane road I was on and always wondering...What if I would have taken the clomid would it have worked? I had to exhaust every option. And so with my husband expressing his concern of not taking the clomid and Hudson saying he thought it was a good idea to take the clomid (after all the times he had agreed with me not to take the drugs)....I couldn't help but to listen to my head saying we can do this one more time. However my heart was screaming...what the hell are you thinking?