This Time No Test

The decision was to take the clomid and try insemination again. BUT we had agreed this was the last thing we were going to do. If it didn't work we were done with the infertility treatments. I think we both expected it not to work but knew we had to try.

For my next cycle I was back in to see the nurse. She explained the clomid to me. There were lost of side effects that could happen with clomid. They included breast tenderness, hot flashes and mood swings. Sounds amazing really. I mean what girl doesn't want her boobs to hurt while she feels like her body is on fire so she can yell at someone then cry about it! Normal day right? I listened to all the side effects and took the prescription from her. She must have seen the fear in my eyes because she said...this can help...stay positive. I smiled at her and said ok. But in my head I had no expectation of this working.

I started the clomid in beginning of June and was on it for two weeks. I every symptom the nurse mentioned but especially had the mood swings. The physical stuff was easy for me. I mean there wasn't much my body couldn't take at this point but my head was a totally different story. I was on the verge of a mental break down over all this. One minute I was happy then the next minute I was yelling at my husband for breathing to loud. He could do nothing right and I pointed it out every chance I got. When I wasn't yelling I was crying....it was a mess. I don't know how he didn't kill me.

Luckily after those first two weeks we were back in the clinic going through the ENTIRE insemination process again. My husband went to drop off the swimmers....we waited from them to have their spa day...and then once again we signed off saying we agreed if they gave us the wrong A-team we wouldn't sue. We then found ourselves alone in the exam room with the swimmers in hand...literally. I looked at my husband and said we need to pray over these little guys...and so we did. This prayer was different for us. It wasn't a pleading prayer of please let this work...instead it was a prayer of if this doesn't work please give us guidance on which direction we should go.

We had just said Amen when the nurse came in. This time during the ultrasound we saw 4 follicles. Which gave us double the chances we had last time. My husband held my hand as the small tube entered my cervix and I felt a single tear fall from my eye....he wiped it away and said it's gonna work! And I didn't say a word. When she was all done with the insemination she said...it looks good...your cervix has a purple ring around it that means today is ovulation day so stay positive. I was trying to make everyone feel better by "trying to stay positive" but the truth was I was done with all this madness. I had given up...I felt like I lost the battle and it was time to move on.

Two weeks later I didn't take a pregnancy test....I decided I would wait and see if I started my period and take the test if I didn't start. We were headed to Montana for the 4th of July to camp with my extended family and I just wanted to enjoy the trip without worrying about the results. I was due to start my period on June 30th so we would just wait and see what happened.

On June 30th I didn't start my period...I was full of butterflies. I told my husband as we were unrolling our sleeping bags for our first night of camping. He gave me a huge smile and said maybe it worked.....and I began to get hopeful. I even began to wonder what a child of ours would look like. Would the baby have his eyes and dimples? Would it be a boy or a girl? As we cuddled together that night in our two man tent I fell asleep in his arms with hopes of carrying our child.