July 4th

July 4th had arrived and the plan was to head into the nearest town and watch the fireworks there. The rodeo was in town so that was an added bonus as I love to watch the rodeo....well mostly I just love to watch cowboys!!! We all sat down to eat lunch that afternoon and we were hashing out the plans of who would ride with who that night into town and how long we would stay etc. Once the plans were made and bellies were full everyone kind of went their own way. Some went fishing, some just sat around and chatted but I went to go take a nap...another I love...sleep.

When I woke up I noticed I had cramps I was devastated. I knew immediately that my period was just late and I wasn't pregnant. I looked down only to see blood on my clothes. It was not just cramps I had started my period. I immediately started to cry. I knew I would be allowed to cry alone in the tent for awhile but sooner or later my family would come looking for me and I would have to explain. What was I going to say??? As I started to change my clothes I became so angry. I was ready to throw a temper tantrum like I had never thrown before and then I thought of Jackson....oh yeah this is not UP TO ME!!! And then the conversation got real ugly with God....AGAIN....I was dropping F Bombs like a sailor. I was blaming him for causing me all this pain. I was asking him why he would make me tell my husband that I was pregnant AGAIN....it was series of sentences that only God could hear and could understand.

I had been there for about a half and hour yelling at God in tears when my husband came by to check on me. He knew the minute he saw me what was going on and he just held me. It was awful for both of us. As I looked up at him with tears running down my face I said to him....I couldn't do this anymore. His eyes were filled with tears and he said..neither can I.

The emotional roller coaster we were on had taken it final toll on us as a couple. We had tried everything we could morally live with to try produce a biological child....and each time we had failed. Each time it scarred us just a little more. And each time we lost a little more faith in God's plan. It didn't matter how much we prayed or how much we believed in his power to heal....we still weren't parents.

Our marriage had also taken on a huge burden. We were living like two strangers trying to bring a child into the world. We had gotten so far away from the day we walked down that isle and pledged a lifetime to one another. We were falling apart....our marriage was weak.

As we lay inside the tent my mother must have heard me crying because she came over to check on us. And as the zipper started to come up on the tent I tried to pull it together but she knew. And her eyes filled with tears for us. Now one of the things my mother does that I don't do is she finds the silver lining in everything. Even when you don't want to hear it. I need to let life just suck for awhile and she needs to find the good in any situation immediately ....but that day before she could give me her hop back on the saddle speech I simply said to her....I am not doing this anymore. And she said ok. That's when I knew everyone was tired of watching us hurt. Everyone had watched us go through all of this for so long they just wanted us to have some peace...and its all I wanted too. Only I wanted peace that included me being a mother and it just wasn't going to happen.