Going to Disneyland

After that trip to Montana I was a different person. I was a woman with a dream I would never see fulfilled. I had lost all hope in the idea of being a mother. After spending the last three years chasing the dream of carrying my own child and hitting wall after wall, I was finally defeated. I no longer had the fight in me to pursue anything else. I had cried my last tear over being infertile...I could finally admit I was infertile. God had won...I finally got the picture it really wasn't up to me and now I was going to stop fighting.


I had spent so many months doing what all my doctors told me to do. I had taken my herbs and temps....I had allowed my body to poked and prodded in hopes to find a cure...I had even ignored my own feelings and I took the drugs in hopes of fulfilling a dream. Yet still I sat childless.


The one thing I did have was my marriage. It was damaged but it was still there. Luckily my husband is one of the most patient men anyone will ever meet. He also has the heart of a saint. He loves me unconditionally and always has. He is the one person in my life that sees me for who I should be....he doesn't judge me for who I once was...when I look at myself through his eyes I am in wonder of how I got him. He sees more in me than anyone....including myself.


I on the other hand was not a patient wife during this time in our marriage...nor did I have the heart of a saint. I was lost when it came to my marriage. Actually to be honest I was lost in the entire relationship department...friends, family, coworkers...any relationship. I wasn't good at any of them. I was selfish and hurtful more than kind and honorable.

See I was raised in a home where I was taught I wasn't good enough. My mother was married to an abusive man for many years and he told me over and over again how worthless I was...and I believed him. My biological father came in and out of my life but was never a consistent character so I always thought it was worthlessness that kept him away. I was taught by the evil stepfather that fighting both verbally and physically were how you got people to listen. And so that's how I would communicate. I was never aloud to have a voice growing up because my then stepfathers voice was the only one that could be heard in the house. But when I got out of the house where ever I was my voice was heard and it wasn't a nice voice. It was full of anger and resentment.


So to receive a gift like my husband was unexpected. He never left...no matter how many times I tested him. I never was unfaithful to him but I was mean and hateful many times. And when we went thru this nightmare I never once consider what his heart was feeling...I only consider my own voice....my own heart.


So this blog is for him...to let all of you know just how amazing he is. They don't get much better than him...I know that now. But I didn't then. After we found out I wasn't pregnant I pushed farther away from him. I found healing in my family and friends but not in him. I left him to become a workaholic and I resented him for it. When he was home I picked fights. We had lost the for better part in our vows and just moved on to the worst.....


Then one day in church I cried and prayed for our marriage. I wanted us to find one another again and to remember why we had started this journey together....we needed to remember why we had said "I do!" We needed to heal as a couple....we needed a vacation....and so we went to the Happiest Place on Earth....we went to Disneyland.