To Fall or Not to Fall

I was at work when I made the call. I dialed the number and I remember my stomach was in knots. I held the phone to my ear hoping to get voicemail....just in case I wanted to hang up. Then before I knew it there I was holding the phone listening to a voicemail....I didn't recognize the persons name on the message...and then without even thinking about it when I heard the beep I left my name and number and asked for more information. As I hung up I thought...I don't think I can do this. It just wasn't the right time. Besides, maybe we weren't meant to be parents...we won't be able to afford to adopt anyway...why should I waste this persons time...all the things I had been repeating to myself for the last few months to convince myself not to take another step in this mommy direction.

Within the hour my phone was ringing with someone returning my call. Before I even picked up the phone I felt my face begin to get red. I was full of fear...when I said hello the woman on the other end of the phone told me she was the pastors wife at church and she got my message and would love to answer any of my questions. I felt my voice tremble. I felt like I was going to cry. I mean the pastors wife...come on! Couldn't it have been some agency I left a message with...or another family in the church....but no it was pastors wife....might as well have been God himself picking up the phone to answer my questions!

As she and I began to talk we had many things in common. We had both been to hell and back dealing with our infertility issues....and we both knew what it was like to lose that battle. As I sat in my cubicle talking to her the tears began to fall. I hadn't met anyone who had gone thru this before. I am the only one in family that has been infertile and none of my friends at that time had any issues getting pregnant. So I found peace in talking with someone that finally got it. After we exchanged our brief stories she told me about adopting through social services. She and her husband had a great experience in finding their children and she believed in the system. She said the first thing we could do was just go to their informational meeting...listen to them and decide if its something we could do. I took down the information needed to get in contact with the county....just in case we decided to go to the informational meeting. I thanked her for her time and when I got off the phone I was already crying so I went to the bathroom and started to talk to God. Is this your plan? How are we suppose to know what to do? What do you want from us??

When we talked about it as a couple over the next few weeks we decided it couldn't hurt just to go to the informational meeting and see what they had to say. And that's what we planned to do. We didn't know if this was God's plan or our plan....but we were taking a leap of faith hoping that this time God was on our side.

It felt a lot like a scene out of an Indiana Jones movie only it was my husband and I standing at the edge of a cliff carrying our hopes in a jar we couldn't let go of....looking down the multi colored abyss that goes to no where....and then looking at each other unsure......we were being chased by the haunted memories of failed IUI attempts and wondering if adoption was our destiny. Arm and arm each of us put one foot out ready to take that step into the black hole... we close our eyes and we both stepped into the abyss....neither of us sure God would be there to keep us from falling!