Code Purple

One thing that I can admit about myself is that I wear my feelings on my FACE. I have been an eye rolling queen since I was a small child. And altho I can control it a little better as an adult...I choose not to. I think its my way of queuing people in on my opinion....altho I am not usually anxious to keep my opinion to myself either. My opinion usually gets me in trouble but I still share it. Also, when I am happy its obvious but when I am upset or angry its even more obvious. I glare like a Lion watching its prey. I am an Irish girl so my face starts to turn a red or almost purple color depending on the situation. It is kind of like watching a mood ring...its easy to see just how angry I am. More red means less angry.... more purple means watch out. The poor Magic Doctor had stepped into a purple minefield and had no idea what was coming.

As I listened to him talk about IUI, two things were happening. First, I could feel my face start to heat up...not a good sign...I was worrying that the drugs were the only cure. I had heard and read horror stories about these drugs...what it does to your body was one thing but making you feel crazy was my biggest concern. I was already feeling like I needed a trip to the local crazy farm just from dealing with all this. Imagine me on drugs...maybe I could cry 5 days out of the week instead of two or maybe yell at my husband and Pugsley more that seemed to help around the house. No matter how I looked it I couldn't let it happened. Actually my exact thought was..."There is no fucking way I am taking those drugs". The more I thought about it the more I felt the heat in my face. The second thing that was happening was I was worrying about the financial part of all this. A lot of our decisions about all these things we had done so far were based on what we could afford. And with that thought I said "How much does this cost?"

It was $1200.00 just for the IUI procedure. The drugs brought your cost up to $1500.00 and then there was the cost of the ultra sound and on and on. It basically came to around $2000.00 every time you did it. We were only allowed to do it for 3 cycles because of the drugs and how hard they are on your body. If we didn't conceive in one of those cycles then his suggestion was to move onto IVF (In vitro Fertilization) and the cost for that were around 25K. When I heard IVF I rolled my eyes and abruptly said,"We have already talked about it and we aren't doing IVF". When he asked why we wouldn't consider it...I told him that I had fears about the drugs that were being used for IVF AND for the IUI for that matter. Then I made the mistake of saying we didn't have the money for IVF. He then responded by saying, "Well I am the doctor and I am telling you the drugs are okay to use. And if money is the concern we are doing and 'experimental' case study right now and I know you would qualify". I was now purple and my husband was now very still and quiet...he knew what code purple meant.

I said, "Well I am the patient and apparently your not listening to me. I have a fear of the drugs. So if I have a fear about the drugs why in the world would I do an EXPERIMENTAL treatment. Now tell me DOC can we do the IUI without any fricken drugs? It seems to me that if we can't find anything wrong then maybe if only the best swimmers were planted in my cervix we would have a better chance at conceiving on our own." And the room was quiet....for what seemed like three days. Then he said..we can try it but I don't suggest it. IUI works best with clomid and I think you would have a better shot with the clomid. In which I responded with my Lioness glare...lets try it my way first! And he agreed.

As we left the doctors office that day I was even more broken. When we walked into the hallway I cried...my husband put his arm around me and I cried harder. I was so tired of being told what to do with my body and getting no results...and then I cried all the way home.

The next morning we set up the appointments for the few more tests with new doctors that the Magic Doctor wanted us to see. Some of them were tests we had already done some of them new tests. It didn't matter tho because even after all those tests we knew nothing more than we did before. Still no big issue to explain why were weren't conceiving. So my next cycle we would move into our first IUI....at $1500.00 because I wasn't taking the clomid....and the best part there is NO money back guarantee!