Another No Show

Saturday visits were at a new location because the county building is not open on Saturdays. A contracted company helps the county by offering weekend and late night services for those biological parents that work during the day. The upside to this arrangement for me is that all the social workers that I didn't like to deal with were not there on Saturdays. The downside for me was I was handing my son to yet another complete stranger that would then evaluate a situation they were just coming into 5 months into this case.
Julian and I drove into the parking lot full of darkness and hopelessness. Both of us knew I had failed him and I knew I had let the enemy win this last round. As I parked at the bottom of a hill behind this building I found our new parking spot. This one wasn't labeled "Foster Parent Parking" but it was obvious which entrance was ours. We always went in the back door like a couple of people on the run from the law. I often wondered why it was us sneaking in when we hadn't done anything wrong.
I turned the car off and took a deep breath hoping to breath in a new view on life. Instead I just exhaled but kept every terrible thought I was telling myself running on a continual tape in my head. I looked back at Julian and he was staring out the window. Unbuckling my seat belt I wiped the tears off my face and opened my door. As I opened Julian's door I was glancing around the parking lot for the bios car. I had figured out over the last couple of visits what to look for and the car wasn't there. My heart skipped a beat at the idea that they might not show. I ducked into the car to get Julian out of his seat and our eyes met. As I unbuckled him I smiled and said, "Bubbie I am so sorry. Mommy shouldn't have yelled at you." I grabbed him out of the car and swung him on my hip. I put my free hand on his face and pulled his cheek in for a kiss. As soon as my hand touched his skin he was smiling from ear to ear. His four front teeth showed and he giggled. I knew Julian had forgiven me. I giggled back at him and then checked my watch. We were walking in right on time.
Walking in the door I was already concerned about leaving Julian here. A musty odor filled my nose upon opening the door. There were six school room looking chairs placed around the very tiny room. There were posters on the wall advertising free vaccinations for children and reading classes for adults. There wasn't a receptionist just a big sign on the door that said, "Please wait here." There were toys in the room for all ages but they were broken and filthy. I took a seat and put Julian on my lap. He sat quietly as I glanced around wondering how anyone would even know we were there. Julian was chattering and as I took in the scenery. Next to our chair sat a small bookcase full of children's books. I am sure they had been donated or left behind by children because most of the books had names on them showing whom they belonged to. Above the book case was a small window that gave view to a playground, there wasn't must to see on the playground, only a swing set and slide. The toys were scattered throughout the room as if children had already been there playing. There were not any sounds downstairs except for the humming of the fluorescent lights and Julian's chatter, but upstairs I could hear people moving around.
Soon there was a third person in the room with us. I young female that looked like she was a teenager. She said,"This must be Julian." I said,"Yes it is. Are you the social worker?" She smiled and said,"Yes, I was going to be but the bios haven't shown up yet." My heart began pumping with force and excitement was flowing through my veins. I said well "Betty Rose only gives them 10 minutes before she cancels the visit." She glanced at the big clock on the wall and said, "Okay, well they have three minutes lets see if they show up. I will be back down in a few minutes to give you an update." Already I liked this social worker better than any other and it didn't matter that she looked sixteen years old. She had no idea I loved that they weren't showing up but I am sure the excitment was seen in my eyes. I smiled and thanked her and she walked away.
For the next three minutes I watched the clock. Every second that ticked by felt like an entire day. I was hoping for them to not show up. I wanted them to get in trouble for missing a visit. Especially since they had just seen Julian the day before. There couldn't be any excuse that Betty Rose would find okay for them missing today. I pondered what they could possibly say to her that she would find excusable. Nothing I thought of would be okay with her and to be honest no excuse would have been okay with me either. After the intial excitment passed I became angry and this time not for me but for Julian. How could they miss this time with him? Was yesterday to much for them? What could they possibly be saying to themselves that its okay for them to miss time with this child?
Soon the sixteen year old social worker came back down and said, "Well looks like we are not having a visit today. I have tried calling them and the phone number I have has been disconnected. So you guys can go." I almost didn't have words I was so thrilled. I stood up and said to Julian, "Come on little man lets go home." He smiled at me and said, "Dada!" I laughed and said,"When are you gonna say Mama?" The social worker watched us walk out the door. Julian and I both waived good bye to her and left. Leaving her laughing at our interaction.
The drive home was different for both Julian and I. We were free of the demons that followed us to the visit. Julian sat in his seat and told me his usual stories and I filled in when he went silent with my usual, "Are you telling me stories again?" Or "You don't really believe that do you?" He laughed every time I spoke and then would tell me another leg of his adventure. By the time we got home Julian and I both needed a nap.
Julian and I started a nap time routine, but this time as I fed Julian his bottle before his nap I enjoyed every second of it. I stared into his eyes and him into mine and we were both back to feeling safe and happy. After his bottle I laid Julian in his bed and he was out before his head hit the sheets. I laid my hand on his back and I prayed for him. I asked God to keep him safe adn I asked they he always stay with him. After my Amen, I walked just a few steps to my room laid in our bed and smiled as I thought about my little man sleeping in the next room. The last thought before I drifted off to sleep was, I can't wait until the Judge hears they didn't show up again.