Yelling at God

I was standing in the kitchen and leaning against the counter top when my body could no longer hold in the emotions. I felt my knees becoming weak as I numbly walked to the kitchen table. I fell into a chair and as my butt hit the seat my eyes filled with tears and I began to weep. I had no more words yet I knew my brother was waiting for my response on the other end of the phone. I heard him clear his throat and he knew each word he had spoken broken my heart for so many reasons. He then said,"I am so sorry. I wasn't sure I should tell you but knew you needed to know." I wiped the tears from my face and tried to gather any words I could put together in sentence and then responded,"No, I am glad you told me. I may not have ever heard this information if you didn't tell me. I gotta go so I will call you later, okay?" He sounded just as heart broken as I felt when he said,"Yeah you do that. Bye sis."

I only hung up that day to spare him hearing me break into a million small pieces on the phone. Only one of us needed to feel like that and it wasn't him. Before those words I thought I couldn't be broken any more than I already was. I was so angry with Betty Rose for not telling me this information. This was a huge part to the case. If her motivation was to reunify this family what did that mean for Julian and this unborn child? How far along was she? Would social services take this baby away from them? What if they didn't? Would they hurt this child as well? How long had I been kept in the dark about this? Did this give the bios a better chance at getting Julian back?

My mind was racing and tears kept falling. I moved on in my thoughts and away from the fact that this child may be in danger. Instead I began to feel sorry for myself. Not because I may lose Julian but because this woman was given yet another chance at motherhood. She had already lost a baby in Honduras. Julian was living in my home because she was considered unfit and yet God still gave her another chance with this baby. And worse in my mind was that God had left my life in this chaos. Not knowing if I was going to keep this child I had in my home and wondering if he would be taken from me at any moment. Not to mention he never ever blessed me with one pregnancy much less three I would take for granted. What had I done to deserve all this?

I walked outside in our back yard with the phone still in my hand. I knew I didn't want to wake Julian but I also knew I had a few things to say to God and it was going to get loud. As soon as the sliding glass door closed and the hot August air hit my face I began to yell out loud,"Are you fucking kidding me here dude?" My head was raised to sky and my hands in the air and I was pissed. I began to yell at God,"I followed your stupid plan here. You lead me down this path and I followed. You told me NO...loud and clear when I wanted to conceive a child. Then you gave my this child and I loved him as you wanted. I made him my own from the moment I saw him. I have taken every shitty comment and followed every rule that social services has given me. Now you throw this at me? YOU GAVE HER ANOTHER CHILD! How many punches can I take before I am broken enough for you? I am done here...I can't do it anymore! Just have these idiots at social services make a decision. I don't care what it is at this point." I dropped to my knees and sobbed. I began begging to a God I was sure wasn't there anymore,"Just make a DAMN decision! To your will be done right? That is what I am suppose to say? Whatever...you don't love me. You couldn't put someone you love through all this. Are you even there?" As my words stopped the only thing that could be heard for miles was my broken heart pouring out through my eyes and sobs. At one point I was laying on my back in the grass and I noticed my neighbor looking down at me through bedroom window. I couldn't stop the tears so I just rolled on my stomach in hopes that she would just go on about her day and never ask me about this.

I sat outside and cried until I no longer had anymore tears. It seemed as the Julian could feel just when my tear well had run dry because he woke up. I moved from our backyard that day but I stayed numb and full of anger for much longer.