A Major Breakdown

I dropped the girls off that day not knowing what to expect from Ashley in the future. Would she write or call? Would I hear from her again? I knew in my heart that it didn't matter if I thought I was the right fit for her child or not...what really matter was what she thought. When I got home my husband and I pondered the idea of another baby. He and I shared the same fears...could we handle both babies if she choose us and we were blessed to keep Julian? Neither of us knew the answer to that question but when we were honest with one another we both loved the idea of beign able to have Ashley's baby. Just the idea of having a child that we knew would be ours forever. And in our hearts there is nothing more we wanted than for Julian to be that child but the unknowns were still out there and each day we grew a little more weary. Only God knew what would come to pass.


That week started our new schedule with Julian's visitation. Two visits a week with the bios and physical therapy. We started our week working and exercising as we always did. Julian was rolling over at night but still struggling with doing it on his own. He was becoming more comfortable with being on his tummy and playing but he still didn't reach for things or try and get them by crawling. His little legs still went limp underneath his tiny body if we tried to get him to stand on them. But we never gave up on him. I took each day with him on as a new challenge. Just as there were many things that hadn't changed with Julian there were many things that had changed for the best. His trust factor with my husband and I was evident more and more each day. He reached for us and knew we were the ones that kept him safe. He was more full of life and less full of fear and you could see it by the way his eyes shined. It was like the veil had be lifted and he knew he could live again. His giggles began to out weigh his tears. He had a laugh that came from his belly and it just made the whole world seem brighter. His cries began to be less painful and more normal for what he needed. He was putting on weight and his little cheeks were full and rosey. He wasn't puking on me due to the acid reflux nearly as much as he used to and we had even almost weined him off the medicine. He loved nothing more than to play with his toys and the pugs and I loved nothing more than watching him.


As we went to physical therapy that week I could feel my heart and mind being tired. My chest was tight and my mind was full of fear. I am sure it was the idea of how my week was going to go with the new visitation schedule. I hated the idea of taking him to spend more time with the people that hurt him, even if it was supervised. I didn't trust them or the system to watch over my child.

I was just wishing for a week off from all of it. I was tired of Betty Rose and all that came with her. I was tired of worrying about the bios and if they would do just enough to take Julian from us. I worried about my own heart and how I would make it through losing this child I had made my own. I just wanted to know what it would be like to be a normal family. I could feel my mind racing and my heart pounding in fear. I looked back to check on Julian in the car seat I saw he had fallen asleep. It was almost within seconds of seeing his sleeping face that tears were streaming down my face. I tried to hold it in but they just kept falling. I tried to never cry in front of Julian. I felt he had enough to try and process in that little mind of his without worrying about why mommy was crying again. Usually, I could shed a few tears and then turn it off but this time I couldn't. I cried for the next 30 minutes to the appointment. I let a tear for everything we had been through up to this point. I cried for every dissappointment we had been given, I cried for everyone that had failed us as a family and cried in pain at the idea of losing my child. As, I pulled into the parking lot and I still couldn't stop crying. I found myself even saying the words out loud, PULL IT TOGETHER WOMAN!

Julian woke up when I turned off the car. I put my sunglasses on in hopes that he wouldn't see the tears. But in all reality the tears were streaming down my face and there was no stopping them. My weary mind and heart had finally had enough and now my body had to find some sort of release. As I scooped Julian up out of the car seat he gave me a huge smile. And the same smile that usually made all things better all of the sudden caused more tears. I was talking to him as we walked into the clinic and telling him I loved him. At the door we were met by Julian's physical therapist, Denise. She knew instantly I was crying...it was hard to not notice. My face was red and tears were streaming like a waterfall. I tried to smile at her to let her know everything was fine but she knew better. She and I had bonded over the last few months over this small child that brought us together and as I looked at her she knew I needed her to help me at that moment. She reached out her hands to Julian and he immediatly went with her and gave her that same smile of delight I had just seen in the car. As he left my arms and went to hers she said," Mommy needs to go get a cup of coffee today. How about you and me just do this on our own today?" I said, "I can't leave him," and although the words were coming from my mouth I wanted nothing more than to not be there with them. I wanted to run from my life. I wanted to jump in the car and head to Mexico all alone. To find a new identity to leave it all behind. Denise grabbed my hand and said,"Honey, we all need a break from our lives sometimes and before we have to put you in a mental institution, you need to go get a cup of coffee...ALONE. Just go grab a cup and sit outside and breath for awhile. Your heart needs a break." She giggled and I smiled through the tears. I thanked her and I left Julian with her.

I didn't go far. I skipped the coffee and walked over to a small park and sat on a bench. It was a beautiful day outside the sun was shining but I couldn't feel the warmth come over my skin. On any other day I would have wanted to soak it in but this day the sun's warmth was clouded by my heart ache. On a perfectly sunny day I felt likeI was standing in the middle of a hurricane.

The park seemed quiet and I could hear nothing my own sobbing flooding the air. Then without warning I just began screaming. I shocked myself with the action. It was almost like an out of body experience. I had my hands raised in the air and I was looking up at the clear blue sky and my words were loud and they were angry. I was speaking to God, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? WHY? WHY? WHERE ARE YOU IN THIS? HOW COME YOU EVEN BROUGHT HIM TO ME? I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!!! MAKE THEM MAKE A DECISION ON THIS I DON'T EVEN CARE WHAT IT IS! DO YOU HEAR ME I DON'T CARE!"

With those words my tears finally stopped and I no longer felt the pain in my chest. It was like God had taken it so I could deal with life again. The fear was replaced with shock. Did I really just say...I didn't care? How could I say that! Is that how I really felt? I was slowly lowering my arms and as I looked at my own hands the thoughts began to bring me back to reality. I began to wonder how I even got to the park I didn't remember the walk over. As I came back to reality I noticed there were people in the park. Two ladies my age sat at a table staring in my direction, one smiled and raised her hand as if to say hello, while the other had tears in her eyes. I raised my hand back and then out of shear embarrassment I turned to go back to the clinic.