Making it to a Safe Haven

Picking up Julian that day was just as hard as dropping him off. As Sandy and Julian headed my way I could feel the anxiety rising in my body. I was hoping it wouldn't be her bringing him back to me. I wasn't even looking at her because my eyes were glued to Julian. I was trying to read his face and body language, looking for some clue on how the bios did with a two hour visit. If only I had some super human mind reading skills right now! The rims of his eyes were red it was hard to tell if it was because it was two hours past nap time and he was tired or he had been crying. As they got closer to me I saw his hair had been braided and his clothes had been changed. It was always amazing to me that they spent their two hours with him doing his hair. If I only had two hours in a day with Julian the last thing I would be worried about was his hair and clothes. I would want to tickle his belly until I heard his amazing belly laugh and see all the progress he had made in his movement. I would want one of his slobbery open mouth kisses on my cheek or for him just to fall asleep in my arms but I wouldn't care what he was wearing or if his hair was combed.
I took a deep breath as if to relax myself as Sandy was just two steps away from me. Her face was serious and I could tell nothing she was about to say to me would please me. As they finally stood in front of me I reached out my hands to take Julian. His eyes lit up as I said, "Hi baby. How did it go?" He smiled his big smile and leaned into me as if he could finally relax. As I kissed his head I could smell the usual scent of mothballs that came with him coming back from a visit. I finally made eye contact with Sandy and braced myself for her comments. She said,"Mom wants to know why his hair is so dry? She suggests you use this product and this comb." I said, "Really? That is all they said?" She handed me a bottle of hair product and a black wide tooth comb. She said,"Yes that's all I am going to relate to you. They can't wait for their visit tomorrow so be on time." I rolled my eyes behind my dark sun glass and spit out, "I am not the one that is ever late. Good bye." This time I spun on my heels with my heart in my arms and walked away.
As I put Julian in the car seat he started to cry. I handed him his favorite blanket but it didn't help. Maybe he could feel my insecurity about the situation, maybe he was tired. He cried for 35 minutes while I drove us home. My mind was in over drive and my thoughts were all over the place, what did that mean, "it was all she was going to relate to me?" Was there more? What did she know...Oh my goodness will this kid just stop screaming! I can't take the screaming! Then just when I thought I was going to lose my mind and snap on this child because of the stress, Julian fell asleep and the car was quiet. The silence should have brought me peace but for the remaining ten minutes of our ride home while Julian slept, I cried. I was tired and felt weak, I didn't know how much more I could take from social services. My life was turning down a road I didn't want to go down and Sandy was a constant reminder. If the bios had an allies in both Betty Rose and Sandy how could we win this battle. Would they really send this child back to these people?
I pulled into the garage of our home, wiped the tears away, pulled my sleeping son out of his car seat and walked into my safe haven. It was only within the walls of our home that I felt safe from social services. This is where our family lived and thrived. This is where we laughed and cuddled and grew. To me this was where I found peace.
Julian didn't wake up when I took him out of his car seat so his sleeping little body laid against mine. He was breathing deep and his body was warm to the touch. I walked us both upstairs to his room and I sat in the rocking chair next to his crib. I couldn't bring myself to let him go and to put him in his crib that day. I needed to hold on to him, to feel him in my arms. So for the next hour we both just rocked in the chair and I began to pray. This time my prayers weren't for me but only for Julian. I prayed God watch over him and the baby his biological mother was caring. I prayed for Julian safety and asked that he always feel safe. I prayed that God would guide the adults in this case to find the missing pieces to the puzzle for these children and as I said each word I was full of fear for all of us and warm tears fell from my eyes onto my child.