STOP SCREAMING JULIAN

After a restless nights sleep, Julian and I got up to get ready for the first Saturday visit. Julian's teething is making him very cranky. Anytime this kid feels pain we all feel it. He has begun to run a fever and has a runny noise. He has found that a continual state of whiny gets my attention and so for the three hours he is up before we leave he whimpers. We are both tired and frustrated with life and it shows with each movement we make.
Julian has also been throwing up more than usual. Although I can't be total sure, my guess is because the formula he was fed yesterday by the bios was not soy. As I try and give him his morning bottle he begins to drink but tears are still falling down his face. Holding Julian during feedings is usual my favorite part of the day but today I am full of anxiety and I find myself distracted from our special time. I can tell I need a break from Julian and from social services but I also know I can't have one.
My husband is up and roaming the house trying to get ready for work, he pops his head into Julian room where we sit in the rocking chair. "Hello My Lil Monkey," he says in a high pitched voice to Julian. Julian looks over the bottle and gives a smile behind the nipple still feeding him. My husband walks over to us and kisses my forehead. Without thinking I pull away from him. He says, "Are you okay?" I fake a smile and say, "Yeah I am fine." Both of knew I wasn't fine, I wasn't even okay. He said,"Well I gotta go you two have a good day. Call me after the visit and let me know how it goes." I shook my head at him as if to tell him okay but inside I was screaming. I wanted him to deal with all this today. I couldn't take another day. I needed him to figure out the feelings behind dealing with social services. Maybe he could take the punches for awhile and I could have a break. I was breaking and I could feel the cracks in marriage getting wider, because I was beginning to resent my husband for something that none of us could fix.
Julian finished his bottle with less tears. With a clean diaper and the proper clothing for visitation days, but not for summer, we were in the car for another 45 minute drive. Most of the way Julian cried. I kept telling myself it was just his teeth but the screaming was continual and when Julian screams because he is in pain, there is no mistaking it for another need he might have. I could feel the tension in my body rising. The logical thought process would be for me to understand what is going on and be able to sooth him and hope he falls asleep. The tired, strung out mom in me wanted to slam on the breaks in the middle of the highway and get out and punch something or someone! I felt myself losing control. My hands were tight around the steering wheel and my blood was racing through my veins. And then I found myself in the darkest place a mother could go I was screaming at the child I loved. As I banged my hands on the steering wheel I screamed, "What, What do you want! STOP CRYING JULIAN!" Then out of sheer terror I am sure Julian went silent. When I looked back it him I saw the fear in his big brown eyes. I remembered back to a day that I hoped I would never see that fear in his eyes again. The same fear he showed me the day I took him home. And that is when I was snapped back into reality and once again found myself crying in the car.
I cried all the way to the visit and Julian sat like a stone statue. He had turned off and disconnected from life. I had left the feelings of anxiety and fear about the visit behind and had begun to fill my head with guilt. By the time we got to the visit both of us were lost in a reality neither of us liked and both of us were afraid of what I had become.