Will I become a Lifetime Movie?

With everyday that passed Julian and I grew stronger and stronger as a team. We had beat our way through 6 teeth that brought with them high fevers, a snotty nose and screams that made me think I need to hold an exorcism so he could release the demon that possessed him. We fought our way through physical therapy and visits with the bios. We looked the enemies of nap time schedules and social services in the eye and we came out winners. Yet with each victory a small voice still stirred in the back of mind saying."Betty Rose isn't working hard enough for him. We still don't have anymore pieces to this puzzle than we did the day we got him." And so with that mental tape continually playing in my mind, I continued a relationship with Ashley.

We talked regularly through email. I had grown very found of her and not just her bravery and willingness to give her child up for adoption. I admired how she looked at life, how smart she was for being so young and how she made me laugh. She asked me many questions about how I would raise her child? She was happy we were Christians and she loved hearing our story of resilience through our marriage. She asked about my family of origin and I answered each one of her questions honestly and deep down was hoping I was giving her the right answers. We saw similarities woven into our pasts. The similarities were sometimes so close it was almost as though we shared the same story. We loved to joke around and make each other laugh through our banter about life. I was excited to have a new friend in Ashley and if I was honest I wanted her to be excited for me to take her child.

I wasn't that I didn't love Julian because I don't think I could have loved him more if I had given birth to him. The desire to have Ashley choose me as her baby's mommy came from the deepest parts of me that just wanted to be a mommy to a child. Sure I was Julian's mommy but the question was still there...would I always be? Not knowing the answer to that question drove me to know Ashley and have her know me. The desire grew stronger with each sentence Ashley and I shared. I never once felt like she wasn't honest in what she was saying. Even when I asked the hard questions about family life, past drug usage and even the baby's father. She wanted me to know the truth about who she was and how much loved her child. I also think she wanted me to be able to tell her child her mothers story if she chose me.

Each time we talked I day dreamed at the idea of getting her child at birth. I had visions of that day in the hospital and my husband and I holding the baby for the first time. I thought about birthdays and holidays and Ashley sharing in them and still being in the picture. It wasn't just the baby we would be bringing into our family with that baby came Ashley and that was just as exciting to me. She wanted an open adoption and although I wasn't totally sure what that meant the idea seemed emotionally safer for me than the situation I was in now, and after knowing Ashley's heart I was all for it. The only thing that weighed heavy on our minds was what was going to happen with Julian's case?

One night while chatting online with one another, Ashley asked me what would happen if she chose me and we kept Julian. I laughed as I read her words on the computer screen because I began to envision me having two kids under two years of age running around like little gremlins fed after midnight. Wouldn't that be irony at its best....us being a family of two without children, then to quickly become a family of four with two babies in the house. Not to mention the added flavor or neither one of the children looking like us. As I played it in my head it almost seemed like a sitcom in the making. Then the reality set in for me. I remembered just a few days before yelling at Julian in the car. What if the stress sends me over the edge. Could I handle two babies? What if Ashley's baby screamed daily like Julian? I knew I couldn't handle two constantly screaming children. All of the sudden my sitcom had gone to a Lifetime movie ending with me in an orange jump suit. After all my story would be a perfect Lifetime movie. I could visualize the commercial, "After years of trying to be a mother...She snaps from dealing with two screaming infants," and my mug shot is seen with my husband crying in background. I shook off the Lifetime vibes and typed back to Ashley," I don't know what is going to happen with Julian, but I do know I would be blessed to have both babies in my home."