Another one on the way

I couldn't sleep the night before the court hearing. I knew my brother was attending this court date and I was worried about what he would see or hear. I wanted to be there myself but knew I needed to follow Betty Rose's rules in order to keep her happy with us. I hoped my brother would find out something that gave us some insight to the case. Something that showed us that the Judge really knew what was going on here. I also hoped that my brothers cover wasn't blown. That the parents didn't figure out who he was. I was worried about his safety as well. I tossed and turned all night, full of anticipation for the following day.

It felt like I had just closed my eyes when I heard my little man bellowing from the other room. He words were unclear but his motives were never in question, it was time to eat! As I went through our routine my mind raced. I was going through the motions of feeding Julian and even smiling at the times I needed to for Julian. But my mind was just a few miles away in a court room I had never been in. As I cleaned up Julian and his high chair the phone rang. It was my brother.

I could feel his nervous energy through the phone. He was just calling to reassure me that he would be at the court house at 1:30pm and that he would call me as soon as it was over. We talked about all the possibilities and with each worry I had he confirmed he to had the same worries. I thanked him again for doing this for me and we hung up. The rest of my morning was a bit like a dream state. Julian and I went through our normal routine. We even took the pugs for a walk that morning in hopes to run off some of nervous energy. But each move I made was clouded by my own thoughts of what was going to happen. I wasn't even really present in anything I did.

I had just put Julian down for his mid afternoon nap when the phone rang. I jumped at the sound of the ring. It was my brother. I could tell by his tone I wasn't going to like what he had to say. He began by telling me he knew who the bios where immediately because Julian looks just like the father. My stomach ached of the thought of seeing them together and matching their eyes to one another. Then my brother went on to say,"It was really hard to hear everything because I had to sit so far back because there were so many people there. The other issue was there was a Spanish speaking translator speaking for both the parents, their lawyers and the Judge. It was hard to follow who was saying what?" I was frustrated with the process already and my brother had barely spoken a few sentence.

I let out a huge sigh and said,"Describe the dad, did he look dangerous?" I was shocked by my own words. The entire night before I tossed and turned over questions about the case and instead of diving right into those details I went with, what is dad like? My brother responded with a giggle as well, almost as if he was reading my mind,"Well he does look thuggish. But not as bad as I was thinking. He was softer than I pictured. She is really tiny as well. They both seemed very clean and I know you don't want to hear this but they seemed scared." As the words hit my ears I noticed that I could feel the heat rising in my body. I felt the red splotches attacking my chest, I knew I was turning purple. I even began to shake my head like a dog right of the water. What was he talking about? They looked scared? Scared of what? They didn't even care about Julian or did they? I was stuttering with a response," Scared? Really?" And he said,"Yeah, they hardly looked up the entire time. Even when the judge was speaking to them directly."

I was imagining what they looked like as they sat behind the long tables I had seen in the Law and Order Court room. The two of them looking like two scared children. I had envisioned him so hard and cold all this time. What if I was wrong? He was scared? How could this be? Shouldn't he be yelling back at the judge with a few F bombs? Maybe some gang signs? Saying things like, "You will never take my kid away from me? It's my kid!" Yeah I am sure I had seen that Law and Order episode. Instead he was sitting there with his head down looking scared!
I was now shaking in fear. If they really had hearts....how would we ever win this?

With that thought hanging in my mind like the American Flag on a battle field, my brother cleared his throat and said,"Uh sis, one more thing. " I was almost in tears and the anxiety in my chest was causing my heart to pound so loud I was sure it was going to wake up Julian from his deep sleep, even though he was on the second floor. But with reservations I said,"What else?" He said,"The bio mom...well she is pregnant again."