Seeing it in Black and White

It seemed like forever before Violet put all the information together in a report for us to read. And although she had told me my past didn't matter to her the truth was she only gave her own opinion to social services. It was social services that decided on our fate not Violet. Once Violet got her report together we would schedule a meeting with her and we would be able to review everything she wrote. After we reviewed the report it would be sent to a committee of social workers that got together and decided who was approved to be foster or adoptive parents and who should be weeded out of the system. Needless to say I was very anxious to read the report. I wanted to read the information that was going to social services before they read it. So I knew what was being said about us.

When Violet called to schedule the meeting my heart was racing. She wanted to meet the next day so we scheduled the appointment. She told me we didn't need to be nervous she wasn't writing anything we hadn't told her and that us reading this report was just a formality. Soon our information would be sent on for approval. I thanked her for her time and told her we would see her the next day.

That night as my husband and I sat in our living room we reminisced about all that we had done to get to this point. All the crazy stories we heard. We laughed about some of mistakes we had made and then we started to dream about our baby. We started to try to pick out names...we couldn't believe it was finally to that point the we felt comfortable talking about names. It was hard to pick out a name we wanted because we weren't sure how old the child would be. And if the child was use to being called it birth name how could we change it? Not to mention it wasn't an easy task naming a child. We first tried family names neither of us had female names that had been passed on in our families and when we got to male names everyone on my side was or had the middle name James...and everyone on his side was Knut or Thor....and well that just didn't fit either. It was then we decided that some how this child's birth name needed to stay a part of them. It was a name that was destined for them, something they could always have from their birth parents...so hopefully we liked the name and we wouldn't have to decide on a different one.

With the thoughts of babies names running thru my mind I barely slept that night. I was to busy wondering where we would be in a few months time...or even a few weeks time. I was visualizing getting that phone call from Leyla telling us about our new child and about the case. That night I visualized a little girl she wanted us to come hear about.....I had the whole day dream in full detail down to the little pink hat the baby had on from the hospital. I pictured my husbands face the first time he saw her and how we would give her the life her biological parents couldn't. I fell asleep that night with the joy of motherhood rushing thru my veins.

The next day I woke up a ball of nerves. I had no idea I would be so nervous. In the car ride over I barely spoke a word to my husband because I was to busy contemplating the whole situation in my head. My biggest concern was somebody reading about my past without meeting me. It is so much easier to see who a person really is face to face...you can usually see it in their eyes. But if they just read about us on paper, it wouldn't be the same.

When we got there we were 15 minutes early to our appointment. We had been to the same building a million times for all the trainings and for our individual interviews so we knew exactly how long the drive was. However, that day we couldn't' wait to get there...we were so early. We were sent into the Spring Time Waiting area and this day it was just the two of us that sat there waiting hand in hand. There were no other families to watch or children to see it was just us...watching the clock tick one minute at a time. Finally, Violet came and got us and took us back into a conference room. She took out the reports and handed us each a copy. As we both began to read about our lives I felt my face turning red...I was so nervous.

As I read the 5 page report there was nothing in it that we hadn't said in the interviews. There were some things I had said that my husband didn't know I had told Violet and there were things I didn't know he had shared. But it was nothing we hadn't told each other at some point in our relationship or that I was ashamed of. However, as I read all those words I was overwhelmed with emotions. I started to tear up toward the end when she was talking about my childhood. I read all these awful things I had shared with her and all I was thinking was there was no way anyone reading this that hadn't met me would give me a child. As I finished the report the tears kept coming....My husband and Violet were surprised at my reaction. It was Violet that asked why I was crying.

I explained to her that it was overwhelming to see my life in black and white. Although I have shared my story many times with people I had never seen in it in on paper. I also told her I was afraid they wouldn't let us be parents after reading it. She grabbed my hand and said....honey these people have seen way worse than what you are sharing with them. Trust that they can make this decision objectively...and then I said it out loud...THIS IS NOT UP TO ME...Is it? And she said...no its out of your hands now!