Drew and Mimi

After our talk in the car on the way home from diversity training we both agreed that we didn't care what the baby looked like. We would see what God and social services brought our way and we would decide based on the child's case and the child's history vs. trying to decide based on sex, race or creed.

We sat down over the next few weeks with a schedule of classes that were being offered and decided which classes we wanted to take. We tried to get an idea of how long it was going to take us to be approved for adoption. We had a long road ahead of us. It looked like about 6 mos of training. But we were ready. We looked at the time line the same way I would imagine most couples would once they find out they have a baby on the way. It gave us time to prepare. We had to figure out if I would stay working or not....our plan was I would stay home but I wasn't sure how we would financially pull that off.....but staying at the job I was in wasn't an option either because of all the travel. Once we had a baby in the house I wouldn't want to be in a different city a few weeks our of the month. But this time frame would help us with figuring all that out. Until then we would continue taking our classes and living life the way we always did. Six months would go by quickly.

It was the fall after the dreaded 4th of July trip to Montana and we decided we were going to have a Halloween Party. Halloween is my husband's favorite holiday and it had become a tradition of sorts for he and I to hold a costume party for our friends and family. To be honest I was traveling so much that year we almost didn't have the party. However, my husband loved having the parties so how could I say no just because I was tired. We decided to go as Drew Carey and Mimi that year. We invited our all friends and we had everyone there from pirates to Princess Leia. Everyone was in costume but I was tired. I had been traveling all week and to be honest I just wasn't in the partying mode. At one point I was trying to get everyone in the garage for a pumpkin carving contest and a barked out like a drill sergeant..."EVERYONE IN THE GARAGE SO YOU CAN CARVE PUMPKINS!" The guests all jumped and ran into the garage like mice running from a hungry cat....I felt terrible as I followed them into the garage for pumpkin carving I grabbed another beer in hopes to lose the drill sergeant voice.

After the guests started to leave I noticed my mom sitting on a chair and she looked like she had seen a ghost. There weren't any ghosts at the party only Superman and a Firefighter so I wasn't sure what was going on. My brother and sister in law stood next to her so I figured what ever was going on my brother was there and he hadn't said anything to me so must not be a huge issue. As Drew and Mimi hugged the last guest we sat with my mom, brother and sister in law. It was late and I was hoping they wouldn't stay long I was ready for bed. We all started talking....now just so you have the full picture here...my mother is dressed like a Groucho Marx look alike and my brother and sister in law came as and OLD married couple...my brother even had a pill bottle full of little blue pills for effect.....and then there was us....Drew and Mimi! All of us gathered in our living room dimmed by orange lights and bats hanging from the celling....As we started talking I new something was up and then they laid it on me. My brother announced that he and his wife were expecting a baby!

There wasn't anything more heart wrenching than hearing those words at that time. I was so angry. My thoughts were exactly like this.... Are you fucking kidding me here? They can have a baby? I don't even like her....I am not sure he even likes her? Why do they get to be parents?....but my mouth opened up and I said,"Congratulations! I am so excited to be aunt!" I know my brother didn't believe me that day. I saw it in his eyes. And to be honest I didn't believe me. Probably no one in that room believed me. I didn't want to ruin the moment for them. It wasn't their fault we couldn't have children....but everyone knew I was heart broken. Soon after they broke the news they all left.

As soon as the door closed my husband asked if I was okay...I just started ranting and pacing...I felt like an emotional volcano ready to erupt and that is exactly what I did. I just kept asking my husband why? And when I wasn't asking why.... I was complaining about my sister in law and everything I found wrong with her...I was yelling about how they told me at my own party...of coarse looking at it now I don't think any other time would have been better...and then I beat myself up...what was wrong with me that I couldn't get pregnant and he was my younger brother I was suppose to have a baby first. I must of went cried and yelled for an hour....before my husband said...come on lets go to bed your tired. We can talk about how I am going to be an Uncle in the morning.

That's when I snapped out of it. I looked at him like a small dog looks at its owner when they don't understand...I tilted my head to one side and stared at him...He called himself an Uncle....he wasn't thinking about this like I was. He saw this situation so differently. He was excited for them...while I just concentrated on my own pity party. I am amazing at throwing Pity Parties. I bring all the best guests from Mr. and Mrs. What If....to Mrs. Why Me!

As I went to bed that night I wondered about if my brother would have a boy or a girl....I pictured me teaching my niece how to wear make up because her mother didn't wear make up so she would need me to help. Or how I would teach my nephew to cook because women love a man that can cook....and then a thought over took my emotions... maybe our kids will come home around the same time? Would they grow up together and be friends? And as I drifted off to sleep with thoughts of my brothers child and my child playing together as he and I did as kids. My heart warmed at the idea of that I was going to be aunt!