Another Appealing Idea

One day while Julian was napping I was on the computer reading emails when I came across a blast from the past. It was a young girl I use to nanny many years ago. She was in the need of some positive interaction with adults and I was more than willing to play that role. I hadn't seen her in years and in catching up with her, via chatting on instant message, she told me about a friend of hers that was pregnant and was wanting to give the baby up for adoption. She knew of our situation with Julian but wanted us to know about the possibilities of this other child because she thought I would be a good mother and she wanted her friends baby to be with good people.

My heart was full of joy at the thoughts of her remembering me in her childhood and thinking I would make a good mother. It was ironic really because I had always thought I made so many mistakes with her as a child. I lived in her home and basically raised her and her sister for a year while their parents pursued careers. I was in my early 20's and wasn't thinking about much other than boys and when the next party was. So being a positive role model to her wasn't on my priority list. I just needed the job and I liked being around kids so I ended up her nanny. But I had always hoped she would grow up and remember me fondly. I was just never sure how she felt because we had lost contact but I thought of her and her sister all the time. And now here she was trying to bless me with the gift of motherhood. It was an amazing feeling.

I told her about Julian and his situation with social services. I also explained that I wasn't sure how his case was going to go because of all the things that had been said by Betty Rose. And then I asked her to put me in touch with her friend. I wasn't sure what prompted me to give her the okay to pass on my information to her friend. Did I need a back up plan because of how I was feeling about the case or did I really want to help this young girl and her child? Even though I wasn't sure about my motive, I told her to give her friend my email address so we could start talking that way. If the situation seemed like something that felt right between her friend and I then we could pursue it without her being in the middle of it. She was so excited. She knew in her heart that my husband and I were suppose to have this baby and so she promised to pass on the information.

After chatting with her about the possibilities of this other baby I pondered our situation. Everyday I was raising Julian as my own even tho in my heart I knew he wasn't mine yet. And the idea of having a child that could be mine without social services input was very appealing. I knew I couldn't' let Julian go but what if we could had both babies? I daydreamed about it for days and when I didn't get an email from her friend I just let the idea go. I had no idea about this girl and her baby. And more importantly I had no idea about our situation with Julian. How in the world could I possibly think I could handle all the stresses of dealing with social services, raising Julian and a new baby? And so I stop dreaming about it knowing that if this dream were to become a reality this girl would have to contact me first. So until then there was no reason to even think about it.