Why The Tests Began?

After being married a year we started to talk about why we hadn't conceived a child yet. And that's when I made the first visit to my doctor. I waited until I had an my annual check up and then I asked my doctor about reasons for me not getting pregnant. I was full of fear as the word flowed from my mouth. In my mind the worse thing he could say to me was...Sorry you can't have children.

Now my OBGYN was a little oriental man, maybe 5'5", in his 50's probably with a long black and grey pony tail. He had started treating me 4 years prior to this visit just for the basics. I saw him once a year and we had the usual conversation...he would say...ok slide down feet in the stirrups. I would roll my eyes and say...I bet you say that to all the girls! Then he would reply...ok now here comes the cold duck. I would take a deep breath and wish I was somewhere else. Then I would hear...Are you ready I am going to feel for your cervix. Then as I lay there thanking God this only has to take place once a year at that point he would say....everything feels and looks fine you can expect a phone call from of us if anything is abnormal otherwise no news is good new! Every year same process.

But this year was different...this year we had this conversation. He began by asking me how long we had been trying to conceive and did I have any problems with my cycles and on and on....it seemed like an eternity that I was sitting there on the table with that stupid gown on. You know the one the nurse hands you after she has ruined your day by telling you how much weight you have gained from the year before. So you have to leave the gown open in the back and sit there to talk about menstrual cycles and how often we were trying to conceive and then before I know whats happening he says it....HOW IS YOUR MUCUS???

I remember thinking to myself as we were talking about my cycles and how frequently I had been intimate with my husband ...why do I keep these white socks on every time I come for an exam...well at least my feet aren't naked and hangin' out like my backside...how did I gain that much weight in one year...wait what did he say...how is my WHAT? So I respond by saying..My Mucus??? And then he began to educate me on the female ovulation process and mucus. I needed to check my mucus during ovulation. I needed to watch the color and how much there was. I needed to know in a 28 day cycle what days in the cycle mucus was noticeable or if I was noticing it at all. And so I mentally took notes of all I needed to do.

In the meantime he was going to take some blood and check my hormone levels. It was the least invasive procedure there was to start with. Then he gave me a list of all the other levels of test that could occur depending on the results of my blood work. So two small tubes of blood later I found myself walking out of the office for the first time and I began to feel it. The butterflies that come with lost hope. These butterflies make your stomach tight with anxiety...make your heart race with fear...and make your mind think the worst. What if something is wrong? What if my mucus isn't thick enough or the right color? What if my tubes are blocked? What if I we can't have a baby? What if...what if....what if??? And as I got to my car I felt the tears begin to fall. How was I going to tell my husband?