The Room Was Still White

Month four was going to be our month. Both my husband and I knew it. For the first two weeks of the month I was diligent in taking my temps every morning just as Hudson and instructed. I hated doing it....but it was the answer and I knew it. So every morning the alarm would go off and I wouldn't even open my eyes. I would hit snooze and begin slapping around the night stand looking for the thermometer. Once I found it I would commence in the temperature taking. As soon as the thermometer would beep that meant time to get in the shower and get ready for work. On my way out the door I was taking my herbs... 4 scoops mixed with water. The herbs were a big part of all this so I couldn't miss a dosage. I had to have those 4 scoops...three times a day, even tho the taste was a little like dirt with a hint of cinnamon....it was gross! This also meant taking the bottle of herbs with me to work and getting my lunch dosage in and then once back home taking them before bedtime. Everyday same routine. Until OVULATION DAY....sounds like a Will Smith movie...right?


On Ovulation day a woman's temperature spikes and her body gets warmer. As Hudson explained to me, its like a Hen sitting on her egg in the nest. Your body needs to be warm to keep the egg healthy. I know seems so elementary but I learned more about my body in that time with Hudson than I ever did from anyone else. I knew the basics but with him educating me, I became more in tune with body than I ever thought possible. Every girl needs a Hudson.

Around ovulation day you begin to think about schedules as a couple...yes schedules. Remember my husband is a chef and at the time I was an accountant. Which meant I worked days and he worked long hours that were never consistent. And so we tried to plan for the big night. There would be candle light and romantic music....it would be the perfect encounter to conceive our first born. Ahhh the joys of planning romance. Makes me laugh now.


How it really happened was my alarm went off that morning I checked my temp...rolled over told him tonight was the night and he said something like....I can't tonight I am going to be late remember. I have an banquet. I freaked out because we couldn't miss our one shot this month and proceed to figure out how to get a quickie in before I need to get in the shower and get ready for work. And that's how it happened. Very romantic....any child would want to hear that as their story of conception.


We did manage to get a few more nights in of romance in that month...just in case! However it didn't matter. 28 days after my last period I started menstruating again. I was devastated. I thought for sure this was it. I called Hudson and said it didn't work and his response was don't give up. Don't give up I thought....I drank the herbs that tasted like dirt...I did acupuncture....I took my temps and no baby...and now you don't want me to give up? He said its still early on in this process. Give it some more time....and so we did.


We went thru 6 more months of not giving up. Each month more devastating than the last. One month my husband even went on herbs to give him super sperm and still no baby. Everyday I took my herbs and temps and everyday it was a constant reminder that we weren't parents. Our souls grew very tired and we both wondered where God was in all this. Hudson watched me cry a lot in the visits toward the end. He told me it was going to happen. But I stopped believing. Our sex life had turned into a time table of when I was going to ovulate. We weren't making love anymore we were just trying to make a baby. It was awful for both of us.


Then one visit I went to Hudson crying. I couldn't take it anymore...We couldn't take it anymore. I was tired of the devastation every month. I was tired of watching my temps and taking herbs. I was so tired I even started slacking on taking the herbs regularly. I was tired of crying to my husband every month I started my period and asking WHY??? Hudson said to me its time we take a break from all this and we agreed. Maybe this parent thing wasn't for us....should becoming a parent really be this hard?? And so that was the second time we took a break from trying to be parents. Instead we went out and got a pug....and we became pet owners...to little Pugsley.