Make Lemon Pie

The next few months brought a lot of reflection and to much self pity. They were hard months. It had been three years we had been married and our plans were not where we wanted them to be. On top of the not being able to get pregnant my husband was in a job he didn't like. He wasn't able to be creative and use his skills and his boss wasn't exactly what he had in mind as a mentor. I on the other hand, had a boss I loved and who was a great mentor but the job required traveling more than I wanted. So we were away from each other more than we were together. It was a tough time for us. We began to argue more than we talked. And we found ourselves becoming more distant from one another with each passing day. And so in order to deal with it all....I cried and ate. My two stress relievers. My motto seems to be when life hands you lemons...make lemon pie...then eat it...the entire pie!

At this point in life I hadn't learned to hand over life to God knowing he would help with the pain. Instead I questioned his reasoning. I tried to make sense of something that made no sense. I held it together during the days so that I could work but at night I found myself crying and yelling like a two year old. Even on the days I would travel I would work all day and then find myself in a hotel room at night....journaling to God and crying. How could he let this happen? Hadn't I been thru enough in life?? What did I do deserve this?? And the worse part of all these feelings...I was so wrapped up in my own feelings I never even checked on my husband. And so we grieved alone.

One day I was out shopping and I got a call from Hudson. It had been a few months since the last talk and he wanted to check in and see which direction we wanted to go. We didn't know. And so Hudson told me to just call him when we were ready. I got off the phone and then like a waterfall the tears began to flow...again. And my mind began to race...I started with the what if's game that I am so known for....what if we don't try again and that could have been the time we got pregnant...what if I am broken as a woman....and then the pity party....why me....why me...why me!

When I got home I told my husband that Hudson called and he asked me what I wanted to do. I said maybe its time to see a infertility doctor and see if they can figure out what is wrong? And he agreed. So we were off to see one of the best infertility doctors in the United States but we weren't full of hope this trip. This trip we just were looking for answers to explain why we wouldn't be parents.