October 6th

My Dearest Julian-

It is time to write again baby boy. You change so much every day and I want us both to read these letters in the future and feel my heart and how much I love you with each word I write. You have been struggling through your supervised visitation with your biological parents and it breaks my heart every time you see them. The confusion you must feel as I drop you off to the arms of a stranger and then in turn you are passed on to the people that gave you life. Yet you can't understand why your not with them and why your not with me. If only I could help you through this confusion. I cry with you every time I leave you there. I know your strength little man and I know you can get through this time and soon we will be a family. My favorite part of those visit days is picking you up and having that second between us that our eyes meeting. You begin to glow and your whole body seems to find peace in knowing we are back together. I melt every time you reach for me and give me a smile with that mischievous twinkle in your eye.

We spend our days together playing and giggling. Well most days. You have had some screaming episodes where both of us feel as though we have been through war by the end of the day. Although, I would change those days to happier ones if I could, I wouldn't change being with you. I would go through any war with you if it meant just getting to see that smile every now and then.

Your favorite toy was given to you by a friend of mine, it is a lime green alligator. You won't let it leave your site. It is the perfect size for you to carry everywhere and its rubber so you also spend lots of time chewing it. We simple call him Gator and you squeal in delight every time you see him.

Your most amazing achievement recently is that you started crawling. I find myself watching you in awe and can't get over how far your little body and mind have come in just 5 months. You are growing so quickly and I think I spend 85% of my day just watching you because I am afraid of missing any part of anything you do.

One of your favorite past times is to listening as I read you books. You last about three pages and then you want to eat the book but you love for me to point at pictures and tell you the name of things. Often your little finger follows mine as I talk to you.

You started saying Bubba this week. So you are now up to three words. You say Mama and Dada and Bubba. You know you are Bubba or Bubbie and most times you know we are mama and Dada but usually you just like to call out the words and see who will respond to you.

Our dogs Pugsley and Molly are you best buddies. They always make you giggle and you love to touch them. Even in the middle of one of your screaming fits if Pugsley comes to your aide you will stop crying, giggle for a few seconds, and then continue with your fit. You love to feed them from your high chair and they love hearing your laughter.

Right now your are amazing me daily and doing awesome in healing your little mind, body and spirit. I pray for you each time I rock you to sleep so that you may know Jesus is in your life and that you may feel safe because of your knowledge of him. Although, I am still full of fear daily that this system we are in may fail you, I do find peace in knowing you are safe, happy and loved with us today.

I couldn't be happier or more proud to call you mine. I love you baby boy.
Mama